Chapter Fifty Six – Dreaming of a White Christmas

Olivia hadn't expected to come back to an adorable scene after a quick trip to the bathroom, but that was exactly what she got. Not wanting to interrupt and cut the moment short she hung back and watched from the doorway. Both Ben and Suvi were by the window, the former kneeling in front of it and the latter standing with his paws perched on the sill. They were looking out the window like little kids, watching the snow fall with wide eyes. The drifting flakes were obviously entrancing both of them since neither had moved an inch (minus Suvi's tail wagging). It was really cute. While it wasn't the first snow of the season, they were certainly acting like it was. Or maybe even like they'd never seen snow before at all. Perhaps there was a bigger draw now since it was nearing Christmas.

She shifted slightly, but it must have made some kind of noise because Ben glanced over at her. He grinned and started pushing himself up to his feet. Olivia saw him wince once and rub at his knee, but he looked fine when he moved toward her. In fact, he was smiling happily and looked totally unconcerned with the mild pain he'd just experienced.

"We might actually have a white Christmas this year."

"Don't you think it's a little early to be making that assumption?" she asked skeptically.

"Eh, maybe a pale green Christmas."

Olivia laughed and stepped past him, purposefully bumping his shoulder with hers as she did. He stumbled dramatically out of the way. Reaching Suvi, she rubbed his ears, though it didn't draw his attention away from the falling flakes. He might not like snow as much as he did rain, but that didn't mean he didn't enjoy it. It just meant he would only spend five hours out playing in it instead of six.

"You know, there's not enough for you to play in."

She peered out the window again before turning a skeptical eye on Ben. What the heck had he been talking about? White Christmas her foot.

"There isn't even any sticking to the ground."

"Yet."

"Yeah, keep wishing."

"What, you don't want a nice, white Christmas?"

Olivia simply shrugged. She'd never really paid much attention to whether there was snow during Christmas or not. In fact, she didn't pay all that much attention to the holiday at all. There had never really been much reason to. Christmas wasn't more than any other ordinary day when there wasn't anyone to spend it with. It had basically been that way as long as she could remember. Why make a big deal out of it?

"Seriously, Liv?" Ben asked. "I thought everybody wanted a white Christmas. It's like the one day anybody actually likes snow."

"I guess I don't really care all that much."

"You've never done anything for Christmas before, have you?"

"Not really, no. I worked, ate some of the cookies one of the other detectives brought. Occasionally there was a work party at the squad room or morgue."

Ben scowled. That didn't sound like Christmas to him. It didn't sound like fun either, especially the whole "spending Christmas in the morgue" thing, party or not. Well, he was going to have to fix that this year. The hardest part of that plan was going to be convincing Olivia though.

"Are you planning anything this year?"

Olivia saw right past the question to what he was really planning and she didn't like it. She wasn't going to let him get what he wanted either. Instead of answering his question she crossed her arms and glared at him.

"Don't even go there."

"Go where?" he asked innocently.

"Come on, Ben. I know exactly where your mind is going. You're planning some Christmas event for me, and you're trying to lock me into going before you even ask if I will."

"It's hardly for you, and really, I'm not the one planning it."

Olivia groaned. She knew what that meant, and she wasn't sure it sounded any more appealing than working a shift for the holiday.

"They're all getting together, aren't they?"

She didn't mind most of Ben's family, and she could handle spending time with some of them individually. There were actually moments when she enjoyed it. Having all of them together in one place for the holidays? That did not sound fun. If she was honest with herself, it sounded incredibly intimidating.

"We do every year. A late lunch at mom and dad's and exchanging presents again."

"With everyone."

"No. Definitely not. Just with the people we would give presents to in our own homes. Everyone is together though so it's more Christmas-y. Sometimes my parents get something for us, but it's mostly Ris' kids. Speaking of Ris' kids. Do you want to guess what Kinsey asked for?"

Olivia had a feeling that she had a pretty good idea what Kinsey wanted considering Ben thought it was amusing enough to bring up.

"Something that has to do with visiting New York?"

"Gold star for you," he cheered as he reached out and pressed his first two fingers to her forehead like he was pressing a sticker there.

Olivia pulled her head away from him and called Suvi over to the couch with her.

"All the more reason for me not to be at this party."

Ben sighed and moved to sit on the couch across from her. She was keeping her attention mostly on Suvi, probably in an attempt to avoid the discussion that was about to happen. It wasn't going to do her any good though. Ben was still going to have the discussion, but it wouldn't be in the way she expected.

"I know this doesn't exactly sound like fun to you, it may not even sound better than what you usually do for holidays, but I really want to spend Christmas with you. Will you at least consider it? Please?"

Olivia really couldn't look at him. She didn't want to even consider the possibility of going, but she couldn't exactly say that. There really wasn't much she could say period since she was already feeling guilty about her decision. Lying wasn't going to alleviate that guilt. It would only make it worse, but she didn't know what else she could tell Ben that wouldn't hurt him. Even though she couldn't really bear to look at him, when he gently touched her leg she had to glance up and meet his eyes.

"Please?" he repeated.

"I'll think about it, but please don't get your hopes up."

"That's all I can ask, I guess."

He wasn't particularly pleased, but since he knew Olivia well enough by this point he'd basically expected nothing more than she'd given. While she'd said she would think about coming, Ben suspected she'd already made up her mind. He didn't understand why she would rather spend Christmas at home alone, but if her mind was made up her mind was made up.

O . o . O . o . O

His disappointment had been palpable even though he'd tried to hide it. Olivia had already been feeling guilty when he'd made his request. That guilt had only grown since then. She shouldn't even be thinking about it at the moment, but the guilty feeling wouldn't leave her alone. It was sitting heavily on her shoulders and dragging her down no matter what she did. Guilt was mold. It just kept growing and growing until it covered everything. She was so lost in thought over the whole Christmas dilemma that she didn't even seem to notice the growing number of snowflakes taking up residence in her hair. The snow wasn't the only thing that went unnoticed either. Amanda and Frannie had finally arrived, but Olivia was still oblivious. It took a few tries and a hand wave in front of Olivia's face to catch her attention.

"Anybody in there?"

"Sorry, Amanda."

"Everythin' okay?"

"Yeah. It's fine."

"You sure?"

Olivia smiled weakly and nodded even though she would bet on the fact that Amanda wouldn't believe her. Considering how much it had taken to catch her attention it had to be relatively obvious that everything wasn't fine. Explaining what was wrong would just get way too personal.

"I'm not gonna push, but you can talk to me. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know. Can we just… go for our run?"

"Works for me."

In the end Olivia had broken down after their run and shared a little bit about what was bothering her. She didn't go into full detail, but it was more than enough for Amanda to get the gist of it. Sharing only made Olivia feel worse. She'd never been a big fan of sharing her personal life, even the good parts. Now here she was discussing the challenges of her relationship. It didn't feel right.

"I might have somethin' that could help."

Olivia glanced over at her skeptically. Amanda knew so little about the situation and yet had a solution? There was no way. It wasn't that easy.

"The ME's office is throwin' a Christmas party again this year. You're invited of course."

"Of course, huh?" Olivia almost laughed.

"Of course," Amanda repeated with her own amused smile. "You should come and bring Ben with you."

That would mean introducing Ben to even more people from her life, or in a way, her former life. She thought she could handle that though. While Amanda's solution would let Ben spend part of Christmas with Olivia without her needing to attend a family gathering, it could create other problems. Ben had once accused her of trying to keep him away from her friends. It was possible that he could view this solution as the same thing, only in reverse. She didn't want to come across as selfish in any way, but the thought of spending that much time with Ben's whole family unsettled her. Just how Ben wanted to spend time with her for Christmas, she wanted to spend time with him too and maybe even begin to make up for so many past Christmases lost. She just wished she knew how to do that without subjecting herself to hours with his entire family.