happy Pride everyone! xo
Boy Chris' sole contribution to the LGBT community of Philadelphia is the yearly volunteer work he does for the Pride parade, and even that he does grudgingly. He's not a very generous man, overall, which Jess means in the most affectionate way possible. He's just too busy to be charitable, or so he says.
"What he means by that is that genuine emotion makes him uncomfortable," Matthew translates, for Girl Chris' benefit. "He doesn't want to make connections with other gay people, because that might mean things like 'friendship' and 'relationships' and 'emotional intimacy' - "
"I date," Boy Chris interrupts, defending himself. "I date all the time."
"One night stands don't count," says Matt.
"Isn't it funny how Matthew has appointed himself the Chieftain of Emotional Health when he's the one who eloped with the first Mets fan who gave him the time of day - "
"Hey," protests Girl Chris lazily. She doesn't even look up from her phone.
"Sorry," says Boy Chris, "the first beautiful Mets fan." Girl Chris rolls her eyes at him.
"It's not my fault that the two of you are dysfunctional catastrophes," Matthew says archly.
Jess makes eye contact with Boy Chris, who sighs heavily. "Matthew," Jess says solemnly, "you once broke up with a girl through her father."
Matt shifts, glancing over at Girl Chris, who very suddenly and pointedly has started paying attention. "So?"
"You asked her father to tell her that you needed space. Her father, Matt."
"We were close! He was a good guy."
"Oh my God," Girl Chris says, exasperated and a little disgusted, and Boy Chris cracks up.
"My point still stands," Matthew says, loud enough to be heard over the laughter. "The last time Christopher gave a guy an actual fighting chance, George W. Bush was still president."
"Don't judge my lifestyle, man," Boy Chris says. "I'm a complex man, I am large, I celebrate myself and sing myself. Celebrate with me, dude, don't...cast our friendship in...uh, judginess - "
Girl Chris is the one to crack up this time, pressing her face into the hand with the phone, snorting loudly.
" - 'cuz all my atoms are also your atoms. Right? One love, leaves of grass. Word up."
"That was actually kind of impressive," Jess says. Girl Chris snorts again, giggling. "I mean, for someone who thinks Walt Whitman was the guy who founded Disney."
"Didn't he?" Boy Chris asks, grinning. He reaches backward with one hand and high-fives Girl Chris without looking.
Matthew eyes the three of them with profound skepticism. "Well," he eventually says, after a long minute, "as long as you're happy."
"Thanks, Dad," Boy Chris says.
Jess has only been to Pride once, the summer he'd moved to Philly and met Chris and Matt. In retrospect it had been a sort of hazing ritual, or maybe more like a test, to see if Jess really was cool with the gay thing or if he'd just said that because they kept letting him smoke their weed. But the three of them had set up with a cooler and got happily trashed with the ladies running the LGBT retirement charity table across the sidewalk, and once you get drunk with a bunch of friendly old lesbians it's kind of hard to not be cool about it, quite frankly. Not that Jess needed help opening his mind or anything - he was raised by a hippie, for fuck's sake. He was a regular attendee of Lilith Fair before he even learned how to drive.
Anyway it hadn't exactly caught on as an office bonding activity, and nowadays the only time Jess remembers that it exists is when it fucks up his morning commute, so suffice to say he hasn't exactly made any plans this year. This turns out to be a profound disappointment to April, who was apparently relying on Jess' status as "Adult With A Gay Friend" to help her out in that department.
"I just wanna like, check it out," she tells him. "Nothing crazy or anything, I just wanna see what it's like, you know?"
"Hartford has to have some kind of Pride thing, doesn't it?" Jess asks.
April snorts. "Yeah. It's at the mall."
"Ouch."
"But that's not the point, anyway! Hartford, or anywhere around here, that's not like, real Pride. You know?"
"Not really," Jess says honestly.
"Jess, come on! New York, Philly - that's where it all happened! I live so close to them both, it's stupid for me not to go."
"Oh," Jess says. "Well, okay, but that sounds kind of like a...you know. Bonding activity."
April makes an impatient noise that crackles like static over the phone line. "I mean, I'm not gonna make you braid my hair or anything. Don't worry, your manly stoicism will stay intact."
"I braid my daughter's hair every morning, April, I could handle yours too," Jess says, rolling his eyes, "what I'm saying is it sounds like something you need to do with your mom. Or Luke."
April laughs, a little bitterly. "Mom doesn't want to fly out just for a parade. Actually, she offered to fly me back to New Mexico so we could go to Santa Fe's Pride, but - "
"Santa Fe?" Jess shudders.
"Right?!" April huffs. "And can you picture my dad at a Pride parade? Come on."
"He's not weird about it, is he?"
"No. No, he - " April pauses, and then laughs again, this time more genuinely. "Kirk actually found out when he overheard me and Kathleen talking, and he blabbed to Taylor of course, and then at the town meeting - "
"Aw man," Jess says.
" - yeah, I mean, I don't know what he was gonna say exactly, but it sounded like it was gonna be bad. But Dad stood up before Taylor could even get through the first sentence and started yelling about the 'no more than three flower and/or fruit stands in the town square' law, which of course got everybody else going, too. So that was pretty cool."
Jess allows himself a grin, since she's not actually in the room to see it. "He has his moments, huh?"
"Yeah," April says happily. "Anyway - it's more of a desire not to be publicly humiliated when he inevitably starts yelling about something. Maybe one year if we plan it, and Lorelai can come with us, and we can all sufficiently prepare him for it - then maybe. Maybe."
"Maybe you can start him off with the Hartford mall Pride and work your way up."
April laughs. "Good idea. I might actually try that."
Jess reaches for the planner he keeps all his shit in - well, it's a notebook, really, with a complex system of Post-Its - and flips for a second. "Well, kiddo - I've got a meeting in New York the day of the parade, and I can't reschedule that. I could make it back down by early afternoon, if you don't mind missing...uh, the actual parade part, but - "
"No," April says, sighing. "No, it's okay. I should've asked you earlier."
"I bet Chris would take you, though. If you didn't mind going with him instead."
"No, no, I mean, I wouldn't want to put him out," April says reluctantly, sounding like she very much would like to put him out. "I'm sure he doesn't want some random teenager following him around all day."
"Do you have any idea how long he's been bugging us to let him hire an intern?" Jess asks. "We'll call this a trial run. Plus, he still owes me one for that time I let him take Willa to the park."
"Isn't that just like, babysitting?"
"Not when he uses her to get phone numbers," Jess says archly. The son of a bitch still keeps Willa's baby photos on his phone, just in case, for when he goes out to the bars. Jess tries very hard not to think about what kind of fetishes his daughter is inadvertently helping people indulge in. "Look, just make sure you get the first train so you get here before noon. I'll make sure someone picks you up."
April makes a shrill noise of excitement, and Jess yanks the phone away from his ear, wincing. "Jess, oh my God, seriously, this really means a lot to - "
"Yeah, no, let's not do that," Jess says quickly.
"Fine," April says, "then can I bring you some of Dad's cream cheese muffins that you don't want him to know that you like?"
"...okay, we can do that," Jess says.
Jess orders Matthew to pick April up, because he's the nicest, and probably the only one out of all of them that is going to have anything in common with a teenage girl. Jess doesn't even have much to talk about with the kid, honestly, and he's the one actually related to her - their relationship mostly consists of April complaining about Luke while Jess tries desperately to stay sympathetic and neutral at the same time.
("You do realize that's all a relationship is, right?" says Matt. "Exchanging...life experiences...talking about your feelings..."
"Sure," Jess says with a snort, "whatever you say, Dr. Phil.")
Chris, to his credit, complains minimally about being conscripted into the Gay Mentor service, and very bravely endures a forty-minute phone call with Anna the night before. He doesn't really say anything but "uh huh" and "yes ma'am" for the bulk of it, so Jess presumes that it involves a lot of that bizarre Mom lecturing that Jess never learned how to respond to properly, so it's probably for the best that he's only tangentially involved in this mess.
"What does she like?" Chris asks afterward, sort of grimly, like he's preparing for battle or something. "Is she a jock? Nerd? Prep? Emo? What's her genre?"
Jess stares at him blankly. "She's into school," he says. "Good grades."
"Okay," Chris says, leadingly.
"And she's gay." Jess pauses, drawing a sudden blank.
Chris frowns at him. "Okay, so she's not one of you dumbass heteros. Good to know. Anything else you wanna add?"
"She works at the diner sometimes," Jess offers, "and, uh, she wants to go to Columbia."
Chris is nodding briskly. "Good taste, okay. What else?"
"I don't know, Chris, she's a teenager. She listens to pop music and she hogs my ethernet cable whenever she spends the night. What do you want from me?"
"Just so you know," Chris says, scowling, "this is probably why Matthew thinks you're a catastrophe."
"Way harsh, man," Jess says mildly. "Why are you being weird about this anyway?"
"Are you kidding?" Chris asks, eyebrows high. "This is Luke's daughter. The Luke."
"The Luke?" Jess repeats, incredulously.
"The Luke, who pulled me aside and threatened to destroy my credit rating if I ever fucked you over, not even ten minutes after he met me," Chris says. Jess stares at him. "What, you didn't notice? He threatened both of us, but Matt handled it a lot better, I think. That's why he's the one Luke calls, whenever he can't get ahold of you."
Jess stares at him.
"And you know what? I believed him, man. I really did," Chris says. "He's fucking terrifying. He had death in his eyes. Stone cold. No life at all. You don't fuck with that."
Jess snorts loudly, but Chris' face doesn't even twitch. "Are you sure we're talking about the same - "
"Yes," Chris says flatly. "So I'm asking you, as a friend, as a bro, to tell me what April likes so I can get along with her and also not get murdered in a dark alleyway. Okay? It's the least you can do. Literally."
Jess doesn't even know what to do with this, honestly. "Uh," he says, head spinning a little, "Carl Sagan. She likes Carl Sagan, and her favorite movie is Ghostbusters."
"Thank you," Chris says emphatically. "See, now that, I can work with."
Jess' meeting is with a contract lawyer from a fancy ass firm in Manhattan, so it's not exactly the type of situation where he can pause the conversation to look at the selfies his cousin keeps sending him every twenty minutes. This means that by the time he stumbles out of the building, wandering dazedly in the general direction of the nearest coffee shop, Jess has received no less than eighteen text messages, three missed calls, and one very long voicemail, which he listens to while inhaling the biggest Dead Eye he could convince the barista to make.
"Jess! Jess, oh my God," is April's opening, interrupted by a loud burst of laughter. The background is overflowing with noise - the familiar chaos of music, shouting, and loud conversation that makes up any kind of public event. "This is so much fun. So much fun! I know you're in that meeting and I don't wanna bother you but I had to call you and tell you who we met - guess who?!"
"WHO?!" comes Chris' booming voice from the background.
"Joey Lawrence!" April says, barely getting it out through her laughter. From the background again, Chris chimes in with the Gimmie a Break "whoa!" and April laughs wildly, sounding close to hyperventilation. "Yeah, he was on one of the floats I guess, and he stopped by our table to say hi to someone and he's really funny! Okay you probably don't care, and I didn't even know who he was really at first, and that was super embarrassing but he thought it was really funny and he autographed the inside of my planner for my mom and - oh! I danced in a conga line! And I met this girl named Divine who lives in Boston and she's really cute and Chris met a guy too but I wasn't supposed to tell you that - "
Chris breaks in again, shouting something incoherent about salsa dancing and - Coke Zero...? Jess rubs his forehead.
"And Jennifer Weiner is here too, she gave a speech! Chris says you don't like her because her books suck but she seems really nice and there are all kinds of news cameras here and I'm pretty sure we might have gotten on TV, maybe, and - "
Jess' phone beeps and April is cut off, having reached the end of his voicemail's tolerance, apparently. Jess buries his face in his hands and laughs for a second, a little incredulously. There are some surreal moments, for Jess, where he's struck by how far he actually is from where he always thought he'd be. Life is so fucking funny that way sometimes.
The selfies are a whole other form of entertainment, taken in a variety of odd situations that could only occur at something like a Pride parade. There are pictures of April with Chris, wearing matching rainbow headbands. April with Joey Lawrence, who has way less hair than Jess remembers from reruns on Nick at Nite, and April posing with a row of firefighters wearing what appears to be...crowns made out of condom wrappers? April with a drag queen, April with an old lady in a mardi gras mask, April petting the biggest dog that Jess has ever seen in his life, April dancing, April singing, April smiling. Jess saves a couple to his phone and then sends the rest off to Lorelai, who is the only person he can think of who will appreciate them the way they deserve.
There are texts from Chris outlining the plans for the rest of the evening, which involve acquiring Willa from daycare and that killer pizza place in Fishtown, so Jess calls Luke instead, who picks up the phone with the speed of someone who's been waiting for it to ring. Jess honestly worries about the guy sometimes; the whole dad gig doesn't exactly do wonders for your blood pressure.
"You don't have to reassure me or nothin'," Luke says gruffly, by way of a greeting. "April called to do that already. And sent me a photo, but I can't figure out how to open it."
Jess huffs out a laugh. "She had fun."
"I know she did," Luke says grudgingly.
"I sent Lorelai some pictures. The ones April probably won't send to you."
"Wonderful," Luke grouses, but in a vaguely pleased sort of way, the kind of thing only he can pull off. "Can't wait to see those."
"Yeah well, I did erase the ones of her and Chris shooting up. The naked pole dancing ones, too. No need to get anyone in trouble."
"Oh, very funny," Luke says. "You still in New York?"
"On the train back." Jess checks his watch. "Maybe another forty minutes back to Philly, and then I'm supposed to meet them at a restaurant. I'll text you when I get there."
"I said you don't have to reassure me," Luke says testily.
"Sure I don't," Jess says indulgently. "I'll make her call you again before she goes to bed."
Luke makes a grumpy 'hmmph' noise that Jess translates to: "thanks."
"So I heard about the thing with Taylor," Jess says.
"Don't remind me," Luke replies with a groan. "He won't leave me alone. Wants to start a Pride parade here in Stars Hollow - never mind that April's the only actual gay person who lives here. Well - other than 'ol Marty Brubaker, but he doesn't come out in public anymore since he lost his dentures."
Jess snorts. "You know that for a fact? April's the only one?"
"The only one Taylor knows," Luke says. "Which is the damn problem - he'd make her into a spectacle, and April doesn't need that. She can barely talk about it with her mom, let alone me. That's why, uh." Luke coughs. "It's good that she went down there to do this, and all. It's good of you guys to help."
Jess thinks about that day that he met April, when she and Luke came to Philly on that school trip. He hadn't noticed Luke talking to Chris or Matt on their own, but he'd been...distracted, to say the least. It surprises Jess, but it also doesn't. Luke would never admit it, but Jess isn't an idiot. He knows the fights that Luke must have fought on his behalf. That's way Luke is, about loving people - he doesn't say it to your face, he just does it behind your back. If you notice, great. If you don't - even better. Less hassle that way, anyway. Jess can relate.
The silence sits for a little too long, and Jess hears Luke cough awkwardly again. "I didn't actually do anything," Jess finally says, for lack of anything better.
"You let her bully you into it."
"Eh," Jess says, "she's all bluster."
Luke laughs. "Yeah," he says proudly. "Wonder where she gets that from?"
April is made of sugar and sunshine that night, bouncing off the walls of the pizza place and makes everyone in the vicinity lose it at least once - including the strangers at the surrounding tables. Willa in particular adores it, and Jess and Chris just sort of watch it happen, not really having to do very much. Chris looks exhausted, but he can't stop grinning either. All in all, it's the best way Jess has ever pulled off a meaningful family interaction, especially considering how little he actually had to interact with any of them.
"You gonna call this girl?" Jess asks, scrolling through April's pictures. Divine - girl from Boston, fake red hair, fake eyelashes, but the name is real apparently - is in fact pretty cute. "Gotta wait a couple days, remember. Don't wanna come off too eager."
"She added me on Facebook," April says through a mouthful of the vegan special. "Like an hour afterwards. Doesn't that negate the playing it cool rule? If she reaches out first?"
"Facebook don't count as reaching out," Chris says, stealing one of Jess' breadsticks. Willa, in his lap, promptly steals it back and stuffs it in her mouth. "Hey!"
"Ayy, atta girl," April says, crowing with laughter. Jess grins at his daughter, smugly proud. "Oh hey - we should take Willa next year. You'd love it, Wills! Lots of confetti and dancing and stuff."
"Confetti!" Willa repeats, overjoyed with a new, fun word.
"Yeah!" April says eagerly. "Lots of it. Tons of condoms, too."
"Don't repeat that word please," Jess says quickly.
"Never too early to learn about safe sex - ow!" Chris winces, rubbing his shin. "Okay, too far. I get it, that's fair. Hey Willa-Willa!" Chris hitches her up to stand on her feet on his knees. Willa laughs in delight, grabbing a handful of Chris' hair for support. "Tell Daddy I'm sorry."
"Sorry," Willa says.
"Nah - I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry," Willa replies.
"No honey - Chris is sorry. Tell him Chris is sorry."
"It's okay," Willa says, and pats Chris' head. April collapses into laughter again.
"You gotta stop setting her up," Jess says, grinning, "she thinks she's a comedian. You're makin' it too easy for her."
"The cutest comedian I know," Chris says easily, pressing a kiss to Willa's cheek. Willa pulls his hair in response. "Ow! Easy on the 'fro, babe."
"Maybe that's what you'll be when you grow up," April tells Willa. "A stand up comedian. We've got everything else in the family, practically - a writer, a journalist, two small business owners, a construction worker, uh - a Renaissance Faire, uh, performer..."
"You can just say hippie, it's fine," Jess says.
"Anyway, you gotta blaze your own trail. I respect that," April continues. "I, myself, plan to be the first Mariano-Danes-Gilmore-Nardini to major in math." She nods proudly. "Also I'm the first lesbian. That we know of, anyway - I've got a few suspicions about my mom's great aunt Millie, but nothing confirmed."
"Lesbian," says Willa, in a definitive sort of way.
"Yes, I agree," April says.
"Maybe you won't be the last, April," Chris says, bouncing Willa a little. "Huh, Willa? Whataya think? Wanna join the cool kids? We can't get married but hey, our parties are off the hook."
Willa doesn't reply, reaching down for another breadstick. Jess gives it to her, rolling his eyes at both of them.
"She can date space aliens for all I care, so long as I don't have to think about it," Jess says. "Also I'd like to stop talking about this immediately. Thanks."
"Coward," April says, laughing. Jess shrugs. She's not wrong.
Later, when Chris is at the counter, immersed in the complex process of removing Willa's hands from his hair so he can pay the bill, April slides out of her chair and into the one next to Jess', and takes a giant drink of his Coke.
"Why is everyone stealing my food tonight?" Jess grouses, and April shrugs, crunching loudly on a piece of ice.
"Can I tell you something emotional?" April asks.
"No," says Jess.
"Okay, I'm gonna tell you anyway."
"Please don't," Jess says, inching away.
"Get ready," April says, grabbing Jess' arm in a tight grip, stopping his backward motion. "I love you, Jess."
"Oh God," Jess says, cringing.
"I really look up to you and I feel really lucky that you're in my life," April says quickly, and then lets Jess' arm go with a sigh of relief. "Whew. Wow, that was easier than I thought it'd be."
"Okay," Jess says, eyeing her warily, "that was - thanks. Thank you. Are you done?"
"Yeah," April says, grinning.
"I, uh," Jess says, looking over at Chris and Willa, who don't look any closer to being done than they had two seconds before. No help there. "You know, I. You know."
"Sure," April says, visibly trying not to laugh.
"Great," Jess says, blowing out an annoyed breath. "Well, good talk."
"Wasn't it?" April says.