Chapter Sixty Three – The Way Things Are

"So what do you want to do for New Year's Eve?" Ben asked during dinner.

Olivia nearly choked on the bite of green beans she'd just put into her mouth. After Nick had asked her about the holiday yesterday she shouldn't have been surprised that Ben was bringing it up too, but she was. It didn't help that the question had seemingly come out of nowhere. With the help of a sip of water she managed to clear her throat.

"Nothing special."

"Nothing special? It's New Year's, Liv. There are a ton of options to make the night special."

"I guess there are, but it doesn't make that much difference. Every day can be special if you want to make it special. Really as long as we spend New Year's Eve together it's bound to be special. That's the way you are, Ben."

A smile flickered across Ben's face, and Olivia could tell he was only an inch away from laughter. That was fine. She'd meant to humor him after all.

"Perfect. Then I'll have to look into some of our options. There are a lot of places we could go to celebrate."

"Go?"

She should have guessed that was coming. Part of her had expected it. What she hadn't anticipated at all was how eager he looked. His face appeared to be lit from within, this glow that only emphasized his eagerness and joy. She didn't really understand it. So far he'd been happy enough as long as they spent holidays together. Well, sort of. He'd shown her he wanted more than that at times even though he more openly insisted that he didn't.

"Sure. There are lots of places."

"Why don't we just stay here? We can watch the ball drop, drink champagne, have some good appetizers. We could even order in if neither of us feels like cooking."

The gentle look of laugher flickered across Ben's face again. She really could be adorable sometimes. It was like she figured the only plan he could possibly have that involved going out had to be the biggest, most elaborate event in the city. Her mind always made these massive leaps and bounds, skipping over smaller more probably answers for larger, ridiculous ones. Of course that downfall of hers only seemed to emerge when he was involved.

"I'm not talking about Times Square, Olivia. I know you don't want something that big, but there are smaller places where we can still enjoy a party."

"Staying here would be a lot easier."

"Unless we were hosting. Then it's more work."

"Who said we needed to host? Who said we even needed to spend New Year's with anyone else?" Olivia returned in mild exasperation.

"What, you want to hide out here by ourselves?" he asked with a bit of a bite to the words. Really? They were going to go through this antisocialness again?

Olivia heard the snap in his voice and she narrowed her eyes. The irritation in his voice wasn't the only sign that he was starting to get angry with her. There was the tension in his face, around his eyes and jaw. That was unusual for Ben. Seeing it didn't cool Olivia's own growing anger though.

"I'm not hiding anywhere, Ben."

"Could have fooled me."

He stood from the table and brought his plate into the kitchen. With her appetite long gone Olivia grabbed her plate and followed him. Ben was jerkily scraping what was left on his plate into the trash when Olivia reached him. He looked sidelong at her, the heat pouring out of his gaze. It only lasted a brief second, but it was like gasoline on a fire for Olivia. She dropped the plate on the counter and turned to glare at him full on.

"Do you want to say something to me?" she asked hotly, though she managed to keep most of her temper in check.

"I already have, haven't I?"

"Not what you really want to say."

She crossed her arms over her chest and stood there glaring at him. Ben dropped everything he'd been holding into the sink so he could fully meet Olivia's eyes. The buried anger she'd initially seen in him was becoming more and more open. It was building too, but Ben was fighting to keep it bottled and controlled. Unfortunately Olivia was managing to drive a wedge under the lid and was slowly forcing it open. Still he fought for control, for calm, for reason. Instead of responding with the full truth, that she was totally lying to herself about what she was doing, he decided to answer her differently. It would still be the truth, but hopefully it wouldn't ignite her temper further.

"Are we going to have this same discussion on every holiday?"

They really had gone through almost the exact same debate at Christmas. The argument this time though was already much larger.

"We will if you keep planning things I'm not comfortable with," Olivia snapped back.

"Comfortable with?" Ben asked incredulously. "This isn't outside your comfort zone! And, if it is, it's by one freaking step!"

She hadn't even bothered to ask for details on what he could be planning and had just assumed she wouldn't like it, that he would be inconsiderate enough to throw her into something she definitely couldn't handle. He was absolutely furious with her, and it showed. His voice wasn't quite a yell, but it was close. More than just his voice though, his eyes said it all. They were narrowed and flaring. Olivia could feel them stabbing into her, but she wasn't bothered.

"My comfort zone isn't like most people's, Ben."

While Ben's anger was red hot, Olivia's burned cold. Her words were icy enough they could make the wind on a cold January morning in New York feel tropical. Ben rolled his eyes and shook his head at her, which only pissed Olivia off more. He didn't really care if he was pissing her off because she was seriously ticking him off too.

"See, you're using your injuries as an excuse again."

Olivia took a threatening step toward him.

"It's not an excuse!"

"Then what is it, Liv? Go on. Tell me," he demanded, though now it was more frustrated than angry.

"It's me knowing what I can and cannot do now. It's me knowing what could end up happening. It's me trying to protect myself from that."

She was outright yelling at him now.

"Only because you're afraid."

"I'm not afraid!" Olivia growled, her eyes darkening dangerously.

"Fine, so stay at home, safe and locked up in your apartment. Might be a little lonely, but I'm sure you'll have a great time."

"Excuse me?!"

"I'm sorry; do you want me to repeat myself? I forgot how thick skulled you were. We can have the same discussion a million times and it never sinks in."

They were going at each other so strongly that Suvi was starting to grow nervous. He'd been watching the entire argument steadily increase, had seen Olivia's growing agitation. Suvi hated seeing her upset. After lying down in the doorway he whined softly, but neither Ben nor Olivia seemed to hear him. When the yelling continued to escalate, Suvi whimpered again. Once more he didn't get a response, so he trotted over to Olivia and nudged at her hand. It stopped the back and forth swearing immediately. Olivia's hand dropped to rest on his head.

"Come on, Suvi. Let's go."

"So now you're running away?" Ben growled as he stormed after her.

"I can stay and clean up first if you'd like," she snapped back.

"Screw that. I don't care about the kitchen."

Olivia pulled her coat on and turned to glare at him before saying, "Right, you care about me and my excuses. Don't worry. I'm not going to give you any excuse for why I'm leaving."

"Right, you're just pissed off and don't want to deal with me."

She stormed toward the door without giving him any response. It didn't deserve one. That only proved Ben's explanation in his mind, and it made him even more upset. He was used to her being stubborn, but this was beyond stubborn.

"Fine, go ahead and leave. Let me know when you figure things out and start seeing reason," he yelled as he followed after her.

"You don't know anything about what is and isn't reasonable."

Ben growled and slammed the door behind her. Of course he didn't understand. Why would he ever understand anything? She might have thought she knew more about herself than he knew about her, but Ben didn't agree. He didn't think she understood herself anywhere near as well as she thought. She was far too good at hiding from herself.

Olivia was also very good at hiding her emotions, though she wasn't doing very well with that at the moment. Her fury was coming out in the stony expression on her face. Suvi could even feel the tension through his leash. Not wanting to go home when she was so frustrated, Olivia decided to skip most of the subway ride and walk the rest of the way home. It gave her time to let off steam and attempt to cool down. Of course with the direction her thoughts were going she was only going to rile herself up more.

What did Ben really know anyway? Definitely not what he seemed to think he did. He wasn't the one with the service dog. He wasn't the one people kicked out of stores and restaurants. The only things he knew about any of that was what he'd experienced with her. That didn't count as much. He really knew nothing, and yet he insisted that he knew what was good for her. The idiot. Her face flushed with anger again, and Suvi felt the increased tension on his leash. He rubbed his head against her leg to soothe her. It worked, at least well enough for her to take a deep breath. Unfortunately it didn't help too much. Ben's comments had gotten under her skin, and they were going to stay there for some time, irritating her. She was not some hermit hiding out of fear! There were good reasons for her choices, though Ben didn't seem to see them or at least he didn't agree with them. And he called her thick skulled! He was the one that didn't understand anything. Running away her ass.