Finn Interlude

I'm not stupid. Maybe I'm not as smart as Rachael, or Kurt, or Artie, but I'm not dumb. I know I can come off that way, and I'm certainly not in competition for any sort of academic award, but I squeeze by.

It's just that I kind of panic when I get asked up to the board, or there's a test in front of me. Then I can't do it, and everyone laughs. Alright, no one laughs since I hit my growth spurt and tower over most of the other kids, but they used to. It's just easier to pretend I can't do it at all. Eventually the teachers give up and move on to someone else, passing me just to keep Coach Tanaka off their backs. Can't have the quarterback flunk off the team, now can we? Sometimes it's to my advantage that Lima is such a tiny, sports-obsessed town. After the eight grade or so, rumor spread that I was dumber than a box of sand, and people quit asking me to even try.

My mom says I'm just shy and I don't handle pressure well. It's not true, but we both pretend to believe it. After all, I star in both Glee and football without blinking. See, my mom's real protective of me, and I feel like I have to be just as protective back. That's why I can't tell her about Quinn and the baby. She's worked so hard to get me out of this town that I just can't let her know that I screwed it all up.

The pressure isn't the problem. It's just that I can't stand to be yelled at, or even talked to in a harsh tone. Do that and it's a guarantee that my stupid brain shuts down on me, leaving me looking about as smart as the average turnip. The only person whose yelling and I can tolerate is Coach Tanaka's, and that's mostly because I've never heard him do anything but yell.

People must think that my mom is the biggest screamer ever, because I've been told I actually flinch when the yelling starts, whether it's directed at me or not. She's not. My extreme reaction to people being upset is a lucky souvenir from one of her old boyfriends, Seth. Bastard.

Seth is the boyfriend who came right after Darrin, also known as the Emerald Dreams God, which is actually kind of gross now that I think about it. Anyway, I really wanted Mom to be happy again, even thought I didn't like Seth from the beginning. But he made Mom happy, and that was enough to convince me to at least try.

Seth was a yeller. Not in front of Mom, of course, but as soon as we were alone. It's bad enough when you're 10 years old and still can't tell your left from your right, and can barely read, but when an adult is constantly screaming and humiliating you about it; it kind of makes everything worse. About the only good thing I can say about Seth was that he wasn't a hitter.

Final word? Mom dumped Seth, in a glorious fight that involved screaming on both sides for once (I had been sent to bed, but was spying at the top of the stairs), and that was the end of her dating for a long time. Until tonight, when she looked like she was all but ready to sleep with Burt Hummel on our old dinner table. Also, I still can't tell my right from my left and now I choke when faced with any academic challenge.

Which brings me back to my original point. I'm not stupid. I know that, despite what he might claim, Kurt is gay, and he has a major crush on me. I've actually known it for a year or two, since, let's face it, he's not exactly subtle. I had never really thought too much about it, since he never actually approached me. But now we're in Glee together, and it's a little harder to ignore.

Kurt's crush on me bothers me a lot. Not because I think there's something wrong with being gay, but because I'm not. I do like him, even if he is really prissy. He's funny, and really smart, and is the only one in Glee brave enough to put Rachael in her place. This whole thing was going to end with hurt feelings, and I didn't want to lose him as a friend.

I guess I could have gone to Mom and asked her what to do, but I felt really awkward bringing up sex stuff in front of her. We had never actually had the dreaded 'talk', because she was more embarrassed about it then I was. Maybe if we had I would have known that you can get a girl pregnant in a hot tub, and taken some more precautions. I think that she just thinks that I learned it all in school and from the celibacy club. Which, when you get a public school education in Lima Ohio, are pretty much the same thing, except sex Ed class had more STD pictures.

Maybe I should just wait and play it by ear. If Kurt wasn't ready to approach me about things, or even admit out loud that he was gay, there wasn't much I could do. It was just….well he was starting to look so sad when he looked at me, and I hated it when he looked that way. He had such pretty eyes when he was happy, and they turned dark and dreary when he wasn't.

Wait, did I just think that Kurt had pretty eyes? Of course he didn't have pretty eyes; he had normal eyes, eyes that I didn't even notice because dudes don't notice those things about other dudes. We talked together, and played X-box or football, and sometimes fought, but we didn't notice nice features on each other. And if we did, we used it to rag on them, we didn't think about it constantly.

For a brief moment, I wondered if Kurt had put something in the water he had given me earlier. Some sort of gay-inducing super drug. Ok, that was just dumb. You're either gay or you aren't, and Kurt was and I wasn't. Period. Things were just really weird with Quinn right now, because of the baby, and I was 16 years old. I just noticed that Kurt had pretty eyes and nice lips because I was horny and Quinn didn't even really want to kiss me anymore.

Ah, Quinn. I just don't know what to do with her any more. I love her, I think, but, like I've said several times, I'm not stupid. She doesn't love me back. She needs me, especially now with baby Drizzle and all, but she doesn't love me. If I hadn't gotten her pregnant, she would be long gone by now.

I know that she's feeling trapped by both Drizzle and I, but I'm just as stuck. With every day, Drizzle gets bigger and the walls close in even tighter around me. She doesn't want to keep the baby, then she does, only how is she going to tell her parents, and obviously, I'm too stupid to be a good father to it, so maybe she should give it up after all.

I wouldn't be bad father to Drizzle. I mean, sure, I don't know how to do things like change diapers or give a bottle, but I could learn. My dad didn't know how to do any of those things either, and my mother always talked about what a good father he had been.

Really, though, I probably wouldn't be a great father to her either. I would try, and try harder than anyone's ever tried at anything before, but even I know that a baby needs more than someone who loves her desperately. Babies need parents with jobs, and more than a high school education, and $685 sonograms. Then they need diapers and formula and a crib and a million other things that Quinn and I had no way of getting. Quinn already resented me for landing her in this mess, how long would it be before she and I hated each other, and little Drizzle spent her nights listening to us scream about the bills and how our lives had been ruined? Or even worse, how long before one or both of us started to resent the baby that had gotten us into this mess in the first place? No, I loved her, but I could see why giving her up might be the best thing for all three of us.

Just thinking about it, though, made me want to cry. Once I gave her up, that would be that. No changing my mind, no second chances, no baby. I wouldn't get to hold her, or know how she was doing, or anything like that. I don't even know if I would get to look at her or if they stop you from doing that. Probably, because I know if I got to see her, I would never give her away.

I really needed someone to talk to about this, but there wasn't anyone. The Glee kids knew, but it seemed strange to talk about it with any of them. Almost like I was asking them to choose sides. I already knew how that would turn out. Brittany and Santana would jump to Quinn's defense, Rachael would take up for me, and everyone else would try and get out of the way. Usually, Puck is on my side, but lately he's been defending Quinn at every turn.

There's a nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me to examine that a little closer, that there's a reason for that, but I pushed it away. If I thought about it too much, my brain might explode.

Speaking of explosions, what the hell had been going on with Kurt tonight? I did appreciate the company, but did he really have to bring my homework along? At least he's coming back tomorrow to help me with it. I like it when Kurt helps me, because he's patient and doesn't tell me I'm a moron like Quinn does. Rachael doesn't actually say that I'm stupid, but she does that chick thing where they sigh real loud and let you know that they think you're dumb for not getting it on the first try. When Kurt gets frustrated with me, he just looks at the ceiling for a few minutes and tries something else.

There was a minute there, when we were both in my bedroom, when I was sure that he was finally going to try and kiss me. Instead of doing what every other dude would have and pushing him away, I actually put my head down so he could have better access. When he pulled away from me, I actually felt disappointed. Did that make me gay?

I flopped backwards on my bed, trying to puzzle it all out. No, I couldn't be gay. I still liked women, and looked at women, and I thought exclusively about women when I jerked off. In a contest between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, I would choose her without a single thought. I didn't look at the guys in the locker room, and I didn't choose movies based on the male lead. Unless it was Matt Damon in one of those Bourne movies. He was so bad ass in those that it didn't even count.

So what was the deal with Kurt? Why did I look at him and notice his eyes, and his lips, and the way he said certain words? I could have blamed my actions today on the fact that I was half stoned on pain pills, but it had really started much earlier. From the first time I saw him, right after Puck had slammed him into a bank of lockers, I found Kurt interesting. No, interesting wasn't the right word. The right word was one I had heard on TV a few weeks ago. Intriguing. Interesting meant you were curious about something. Intriguing meant that you wanted to know everything about it, because you might die if you don't. I know, because I asked Rachael about the word later, and she knows things like that.

I hadn't done anything to act on that intrigue, because I hadn't really known what to do. I was a jock; therefore I had jock friends and dated the head cheerleader. Kurt was…well no one was quite sure what Kurt was. He sang, and he wore a corset to school, and, in some ways, was like an honorary girl. They told him secrets and fussed over him like he was a particularly adorable puppy and even allowed him in the girl's bathroom. Whatever he was, he wasn't a jock, and therefore was too lowly for me to bother with without having the rest of the football team shave off my eyebrows.

Then Glee came along, and suddenly Kurt and I were on more equal footing. Unlike some of the members, he wasn't intimidated by me, and was always willing to talk to me. Of course, it was mostly about fashion and skin care and other things that I didn't quite understand, but I always listened. Still, we didn't spend any time alone, and I couldn't figure out what it was that kept pulling me towards him.

It wasn't until he came and asked (more like begged) me to help him get on the football squad, that he and I were even alone in the same room. It was sort of a disaster, considering that he was really too small to effectively knock anyone down. Come to think of it though, he was so determined to be able to do it that I think he attempted to tackle me at least 10 more times that was actually necessary to figure out that he couldn't do it. The last time, I let him take me down out of pity.

Yeah, that was it, pity. It had nothing to do with the fact that I kind of liked being able to grab him and wrestle him to the ground. By the way, that's not gay either. I wrestle with Puck all the time. For as small as he was, Kurt was surprisingly strong and muscular. It had been more of a struggle to keep him down than I thought it would be. In the end, I had to put a knee on his chest and pin both arms above his head. But like I said, it wasn't gay. Even if I may or may not have gotten a hard on from it, which had never happened with Puck. But let's face it; I'm 16 and get a hard on like a million times a day. After that, I decided that maybe Kurt would make a better kicker. You know, something where I didn't actually have to touch him and risk embarrassing myself. Though I was pretty sure Kurt got a hard on from it too, which made me feel at least a little bit better.

Turns out, Kurt's actually a really good kicker. He had trouble at first, until I got the idea of setting the kicking moves to music. Beyonce wouldn't have been what I chosen, but, hey, whatever works. By the time the night was over, he was getting the ball where it needed to be almost every time, and we were both laughing our asses off. It was a more fun to be with Kurt then it was to be with Quinn lately. All she ever did was scream at me. I mean, I know it's my fault that she got pregnant, but it's kind of her fault, too. It takes two to waltz, or however you say that.

After the game, he had found me in the locker room and launched himself into my arms. He had said something, probably thanking me for the help, but I had been too distracted by the feel of his body against mine and the blood rushing in my ears. He had been gone before I could figure out any sort of reply.

Since then, things had kind of settled between Kurt and me. There were mash-ups to perform, and a brief spin with that Vitamin D, which kind of sucked because it got Mr. Shue in trouble, but did get me caught up on my homework. Then I saw Baby Drizzle on the ultrasound, and the rest of the world kind of stopped. It had been hard to think about giving her up before, but now it was almost impossible.

In other words, my life had been a confusing mess before I hurt my arm, and now it was even worse. It hurt really, really bad, a sort of deep pain that was hard to block out. The sling immobilized it, but I kept unconsciously moving it whenever I tried to do anything. I had pills, but they gave me a sick stomach, and made my head feel all fuzzy and sleepy.

Puck had ditched last period and Glee practice to come over and sit with me for a while. He brought over some magazines and DVDs, so I wouldn't be bored. He also brought Quinn's regrets, but she couldn't make it today. Dinner with the parents and all that. I tried not to be bothered by that fact, but I guess I was kind of obvious. Puck had lightly punched my good shoulder and reminded me that she wasn't good with sickness or anything like that. I knew that, but it still hurt that both Puck and Kurt were turning out to be better girlfriends than Quinn was.

Eventually I fell back asleep and Puck left. Mom woke me up a couple of hours later, telling me that Kurt and his father were coming to make dinner and I needed to take a shower and make myself presentable. I really tried, and actually made it as far as the bathroom, but I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to shower with only one hand, and then I got dizzy, so I gave up and got back in bed. I guess I crashed out again, because the next thing I knew, Kurt was knocking on the door.

Honestly, I was grateful for his company. He was more affectionate and helpful than Puck was, but he didn't smother me like Rachael would have done. Plus he didn't seem to care that I basically passed out on top of him almost as soon as the movie started. Kurt's chill like that, which I think is pretty awesome.

I had been worried that things would be strange between us, since I knew he liked me a lot, but they weren't. Kurt was actually much more restrained then usual, like he felt he had to hold back or something.

He's playing hard to get, Finn. Duh

The thought came from the back of my brain, where things tended to gather up and slosh around. My Mom calls that voice my conscience, but I don't know about that. It doesn't really tell me right from wrong, it just mostly points things out to me that ought to be obvious, but usually aren't. At least not to me.

I don't really like that voice, even though it's usually right. It's just always so nasty to me. I mean, shouldn't your own inner voice be nice? It usually sounded like a combination of Quinn and Seth, always telling me what a moron I was. Even though it was usually right, I still hated it when it spoke up.

It was kind of an interesting theory. If Kurt had decided to back off and let me make the choices about a relationship, it would totally let me off the hook. I could keep on pretending that he didn't like me, and eventually, he would get the hint and pick someone else.

Do you really want that? Think hard, even though I know it's very difficult for you.

Of course it was what I wanted. I might not be the smartest (though definitely not stupid), but I do try to be fair. Fair is Kurt finding someone to love who can love him back. Fair is letting us be friends, without the awkwardness that sometimes happened. Fair was me being able to focus on Quinn and Drizzle.

On the other hand, fair was also not being tackled by some guy when you don't even have the ball. It was having two parents, no Osama bin Laden or cancer to take one of them away. It was getting something better than a dead end life in Lima, Ohio.

But I couldn't do anything to change that. All I could do was change my part in things, and that meant not leading Kurt on. He was a great guy, smart, funny, a little on the obsessive side, but still, he should be able to find someone who can love him like he deserves.

Sometimes you drive me crazy, you dumbass. If you can't figure this out for yourself, I don't have any use for you.

What was that supposed to mean? Was it wrong to want Kurt to be happy? Or should I not feel that way because he was gay? I waited, but the inner voice had made good on its threat and fallen silent. After five minutes or so, I gave up and picked up the homework that Kurt had brought.

Let's see, Math, which I didn't understand, English that I didn't have the book for, and Spanish, which I sucked at. That last part bothered me the most, since Mr. Shue was the teacher. I really wanted him to be proud of me, but I had enough trouble with English, so Spanish was kind of out. Except for the curse words that Puck had taught me. For some reason, those stuck pretty clearly in my mind.

Maybe I should just wait until tomorrow, and ask Kurt to help me with it. I was still musing over it when a soft knock sounded at the door. "Finn? It's your mother, can I come in?"

Mom was always really cool about respecting my boundaries, even though it's technically her house. Sometimes I think she's afraid she might walk in on me naked, or, even worse, jerking off. God, nothing would be more humiliating then that. I would rather Kurt walk in on it. Wait a minute, why did that thought turn me on? I hastily shifted position. "Yeah."

She sat on the edge of the bed, her hand coming up to rest on my shoulder. I cuddled closer, laying my head on her shoulder. She sighed a little and ran her fingers through my hair. "Can we talk about tonight?"

I didn't want to; I guess that I didn't have much choice. I had been acting kind of bratty, and I needed to face up to that. "Ok."

Her hand moved back down to my shoulder, scratching lightly. "I know that it was hard for you to see me with Kurt's father. It's been a long time since it's been anyone but you and I, huh?"

I appreciated her making the effort. "Yeah." It was selfish as hell, but I didn't want her to be with anyone, or even think of them. She was my Mom, not some woman for men like Seth and Darrin to fool around with. She was way too special for that.

Maybe Burt Hummel thinks she's special, too. You date, you do enough to get a girl pregnant, why shouldn't she be able to have a nice dinner without you throwing a five year olds tantrum?

I might hate that little voice, but sometimes it was exactly what I needed to hear. I mean, Kurt loves his Dad, and he wouldn't lie, so Burt must be alright. I didn't have to like it, but it would probably do all of us good if I did accept it.

Which meant that I owed Kurt big time now. Actually, I already owed him big time, since he had actually known the right things to do last night when I got hurt, and he stayed at the hospital with me even though he was scared to. But now I owed him because he had gotten me away from the dinner table before I said something that couldn't be undone. Saying thanks didn't seem like enough, but I didn't understand him well enough to try anything else. I had to walk the razor thin line between being grateful and leading him on. Fuck, this is confusing.

"Finn, are you awake?" Mom's tone told me that she knew I wasn't sleeping and I better quit playing possum on her.

"Uh-huh." I had been so busy thinking about Kurt that I had lost the thread of our conversation, which was kind of disturbing. Had I always thought about Kurt this much?

She was quiet for a few minutes, so I sat up and looked her in the eyes. When we sat side by side like this, it was obvious how big I had suddenly gotten. All my life, I had looked up to my mother, and now she had to look up to me. Weird. I had to fight off the sudden urge to throw myself into her arms and confess everything about Quinn and Drizzle. But I didn't. I had put her though enough already with my arm, and I couldn't dump anything else on her.

"Baby, I had a good time tonight with Kurt's father. He's a good man, and he asked me on a date. I told him yes." She stopped there, her eyes worried. I knew that she was waiting for me to freak out, and I was, but only on the inside. I couldn't let her see that it was hurting me, because if she knew, she would cancel her date and be unhappy and it would be all my fault.

I knew she was waiting for an answer, so I softly whispered "oh."

Mom seemed to take that as my blessing. "I wanted to let you know know, because I don't want us to keep secrets from each other. You never need to be ashamed to tell me anything. You're my only child, and I will always love you."

Ok, now she was creeping me out. Did she already know about the baby? Was she testing me? Seeing if I trusted her as much as she apparently trusted me? My throat closed, and my eyes burned. It took several tries, but I was able to force some words out. "I love you, too." It wasn't a confession, but it wasn't a lie either.

If she was disappointed that I didn't share, she hid it pretty well. Instead she kept talking. "So, how about Kurt?"

The quick change in topic was confusing. "Huh? Oh, Kurt's cool." Seriously, what did she want to know about him? Kurt was Kurt, that's it.

She raised one eyebrow, giving me that funny look. You know the one, the one that says that there's a joke, and everyone but you is in on it? Yeah, that one. I groped for something else to say to her "Uh, he plays football with me, he's the kicker. He's really smart, too. He'll know how to catch me up in class." Maybe that was what she wanted to hear.

Her lips moved slightly, and I could tell that she was thinking about saying more, but she abruptly shook her head. "That would be nice. You aren't dumb, Finn, but you need to try harder. If you want to go to college, you need a scholarship, and you aren't going to get one with C's."

"I know." I really did. College just seemed so far away that I had a hard time working towards it.

"I know you do. Now, about Burt Hummel. Are you alright with me going on a date with him?"

No, I wasn't. But I couldn't justify (what a great word by the way, I learned it from Artie the other day) telling her that. She hadn't snuck around behind my back, which would have given me the right to bitch. No, she had not only told me beforehand but actually asked me for my permission. "Yeah, I guess."

When she kissed the top of my head, I felt like a worse person than ever. "You're such a good boy. Even when you were a baby, and it was just the two of us, you were so good natured. You hardly ever cried. Everyone said that you were the happiest baby they had ever seen."

She so seldom talked about those days that I was interested despite myself. "But my dad was there then, right? You always said he was a good dad and a good helper. So it wasn't just the two of us, it was the three of us"

Something wary entered her eyes, the same look that Mr. Shuster got whenever Sue Sylvester decided to stop by. It was a look that meant he needed to tread carefully, because there were landmines everywhere and you might get blown up into a million pieces or something. "Of course he was there. But he was working then, to try and support us, and I was home with you during the day. Of course, then you turned two and became a holy terror, something you haven't quite grown out of."

I knew an attempt to distract me when I heard one. Only why would she do that? My dad had been there, I've seen the pictures. Babies are pretty smart about who likes them and who doesn't, and it's obvious how much he and I loved each other. "But…" I trailed off there, because I didn't know what else to say. My mom's the only person in the whole world that I can trust completely, and I don't want to do anything that might upset that. "Nothing. It's fine if you want to go out with Mr. Hummel."

"Thank you, Finn. Do you need help with anything before bed?"

"No, I'm really tired, so I'm just going to lie down and sleep." See, this is why I'm not stupid. I deliberately had Kurt pick a shirt that I could sleep in also, so I wouldn't have to face the embarrassment of asking Mom for help. I'm practically a genius like Stephen Hawking, or that guy that invented Velcro.

She tightened her arms around me, and I leaned down to kiss her cheek. Sure, she was confusing me right now, but she was my Mom, and I still loved her. "Alright, Finn. Do you want me to stay with you tomorrow, or go back to work? They said I can go back Monday if that would be better."

I did want her to stay home, but that would mean her taking an additional three days off work, and we couldn't really afford that. "Nah, it's cool. I can manage on my own."

"If you're sure. " She didn't sound convinced. This was my last chance to have her stay, but I didn't take it. Instead I just nodded at her. "Ok, I love you, then. I'm going to call Samantha and trade for the afternoon shift, so I can be with you in the morning. What time did Kurt say he would be here?"

He hadn't, but it wasn't too hard to figure out. "About 6. Unless he has to go home and change clothes and do his face stuff and…stuff."

Mom laughed a little. "Goodnight, Finn." She turned out the light when she left, leaving me in only the dim light from the street lamp. I shrugged out of my jeans and curled up. My arm hurt so much that it was a struggle to keep from crying, but I couldn't bring myself to call her back. I was just going to have to suck it up and act like a man for once. Usually, I liked lying on my side, but that put too much weight on it, so I was turned on to my back instead. I was still confused as hell, both by Mom and Kurt, and laying here wasn't fixing anything. Instead I watched the numbers on the digital clock turn over, humming softly and tunelessly and patting the blanket in an attempt to soothe myself. Finally, sometime after 10, I melted into a restless sleep.