It's not about Quantity
There's a couple things I have begin to slowly hate since I have been out of my suit.
One: Showers. That's a waste of my time, even though I have plenty of time to waste.
Two: Unloading the dishwasher. How do humans put up with such a mundane task? I've got to create something to do it for me. Maybe bribe Shepard or something. Or get some element zero, craft mechanical hands, and get some hydraulics to make a cleaning machine.
Three: Cleaning out... well, I don't know how to accurately describe it. The only way I can is to go into disgusting, revolting detail. For a quarian, this singular task can be more gut wrenching and burdensome than fixing a ripe, infected bullet wound. Okay, okay, maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic. Anyways, onto the story of my dreaded number three.
There I was, taking a shower, of which I am still getting used to doing. Again, don't even get me started on that. I mean, the suited life was a pain, don't get me wrong, but until you live outside the suit for a couple of weeks do you only realize that it was, dare I say, easier. No, that's the wrong word.
Never mind.
Back to the story.
So, learning about taking a shower was difficult enough. Back when I had the suit, I had a romantic vision of this morning routine from movies I've seen. I remember thinking it was simple: be coddled in steam and rinse yourself off in hot water, towel off, and be done with it.
Whenever Shepard took one, he was in and out and would always look damn good when he stepped out of the steaming room, glistening and smelling amazing and...
Tali, get back to the damn story!
To put it bluntly, I did not understand the reality of it. I thought you walked under the water and came out a gleaming perfectly scrubbed person ready to take on the day's tasks no matter how difficult they proved to be. It's different for women and even more different for quarian women. For instance, I didn't know I had to shut my eyes when shampooing my hair. Yes, Shepard was there for my first showering experience, but that ended up with me curled into a ball on the shower floor, my fists wrestling my eyes and Shepard trying to calm me-convince me I was not blind. That was a catastrophe he has not been willing to let me forget. I wanted to try shower sex, but no, I had to blind myself. Anyways, I heard that is overrated.
I still hear about it to this day.
Keelah.
From then on, he bought me baby shampoo that doesn't hurt when it gets into your eyes and tries to melt them.
It smells like coconut. Some kind of fuzzy rock from Earth or something.
Don't even get me started on conditioner and split ends and that other nonsense I have to do to prep myself for the day ahead. I mean, I want to be in the shed modifying the lawnmower with an eezo-core or something, not doing girly things for an hour before I can even think about starting my day. I want my arms elbow deep in motor oil and transmission fluid, not fruity shampoos and moisturizer.
There I go again, off track.
Okay, so, back to taking the shower and the most wretched sight next to the first time I laid eyes on the Thorian. Midway through the shower, I noticed water was pooling around my ankles. No big deal you say?
Dead wrong.
Big deal.
This is a standup showering stall with obsidian tile, not some bathtub. It's not supposed to flood like this. It was designed by an asari architect and constructed by the geth. This kind of thing should not happen.
Mortified, I slowly reached for my now shoulder length hair I let grow out after my buzz. I regarded the black spill of hair in my hand with a morbid curiosity when I realized I must have clogged the drain with it. Behind me, I could head Shepard brushing his teeth.
"Hey, Shepard?" I asked with timidity.
"Yeah, babe?" he muttered back, toothpaste undoubtedly flecking the mirror.
"The drain. It's clogged."
Shepard laughed and spit, sensing my heinous mood towards the foamy abyss wading and bobbing against my ankles.
"That sounds like your problem, Tali."
"My problem?" I shouted. I cracked the door open and my hand snaked out of the gap, groping the air. "Hand me a towel."
"Here."
I grabbed the towel and tied it around my chest, turning off the water. The showerhead wept the last of the water from the pipes and dribbled into the pool around my ankles.
"I really like these towels. Egyptian cotton. You look good wearing it. It suits you," quipped Shepard.
I punched his arm and regarded the swamp of coconut scented suds with turmoil, ignoring his pun.
"How are we going to do this?" I asked, pulling my towel tighter around myself to fight Shepard's glazed over stare.
"'We'?"
"Yeah, you heard me."
"No no no. This is all you. Tali, It's your responsibility to take care of this."
Eyes growing dark and mouth agape, I fired a savage stare at the indoor children's pool.
"I don't have long hair. You do."
He pointed at his buzzed scalp.
"Fine!"
"Yeah, fine," he protested, confused, expecting more of a verbal battle.
"Do we have any penetrating gel to pour down the drain?" I asked, clearing the flotilla of suds with a hand to get a better look at the drain. I mean, how hard could it be to clear a drain?
"I got something for this," said Shepard with a childish enthusiasm.
"I don't like the tone of your voice."
From this point on, I was innocent. Sure, I have killed people and been in deadly firefights, but this was a different sort of innocence that was about to be ripped from me. I don't know what to call it. From our closet, I heard a lilting chime and a chuckle from Shepard. I didn't like the sound of things to come. He reappeared with a shit eating grin smeared on his face and handed me a bent clothes hanger. I was addled but grabbed the metal hook.
"You want me to reach down there and pull out whatever monstrosity lurks below?" I asked with a raised black eyebrow, gripping the wired hanger with water jeweled hands.
He nodded.
Fearlessly, I stepped back into the shower and crouched.
How bad could this be?
"It's like fishing for sea monsters," laughed Shepard.
I hissed and with a fingernail, plucked the drilled drain lip from its seated position and shoved the hook into the deep.
"Pull up," commanded Shepard.
"I am not an eediot, you know," I shot back with a roll of my eyes.
"I know."
"Then shut up for a second."
"Feisty you are."
"You haven't seen anything yet."
"Oh?"
"If you don't shut your mouth," I grunted while jerking up, the hook caught on to something, "I will show you how violent a quarian can get."
"I would like to see that, Tali."
I showed him the whites of my eyes and snapped at the wet, matted hair itching my forehead.
That was when I saw it. Again, I cannot stress to you how disgusting this wet mass of hair was when it finally gasped loose from its suckered position in the drain.
I imagined my eyes went wide, my mouth slack, eyes glazed over by mute fear.
"Well," said Shepard, disgusted, "You caught one hell of a sea monster alright."
That was when I screamed and slipped-lost my footing.
My most hated things in this galaxy are spiders and Reapers. This... abomination I had created over the many weeks of showering was a combination of both. I immediately began to dry heave and Shepard thought that was hilarious. I fought from rupturing-gushing out last night's dinner all over the bathroom in an unidirectional bursting spray.
Bent over, gagging at this plug I pulled right from Hell seemed to have struck a funny bone with the love of my life. Well, at that moment, he was enemy number one, so like a trebuchet, I flung the thing at him. His high pitched scream when the soggy ball of quarian hair hit his face was better than the dry hiccup Admiral Gerrel made when Shepard punched him in the gut.
"Gah, it got on my lip! Get it off!" he screamed, spun on his heel, and gripped the sink's hips, splashing mouthwash and antibacterial soap on his face feverishly. Through my gagging and uncontrollable shaking, I can remember laughing at him when he started to dry heave as well, both of us creating an orchestral score a swamp of bullfrogs would be proud of. If anyone walked into our bathroom at that moment and saw me splayed out on the shower floor trying to keep last night's dinner in my stomach, clutching a towel around my chest to keep from being stark-ass naked, and Shepard about to puke into a sink, they would have never believed that these two people kicked the Reaper's ass in the war.
That brings me to my number three most hated thing to do outside of the suit: unclogging a shower drain. To a quarian who has lived in a suit, trying to fight off bacterial infections and stay clean, this is like staring into the hooded face of Death. It's both disgusting and was once deadly.
I think I am going to go back to a shorter haircut.
My new story/novel/fanfiction, The Aurora Prophecy, is being released today (now available) after one and a half years of working on this immense project. The Aurora Prophecy is the sequel to Deception, a piece I wrote back in the summer of 2010. Since writing that story and getting positive feedback by readers, I have been waiting for two years to finally start writing and planning this one. I have partnered with a truly talented artist named Trey McNair "modsoft" in an effort to bring this story to life with artwork to go along with each chapter released weekly. Anyways, for those of you that like to read fanfiction and look at Mass Effect fan artwork, go ahead and check out The Aurora Prophecyin my blog (subscribe to get updates) on the BSN where you will find links to the art and the story!
I hope you all enjoy our labor of love!
P.S.-I would totally link you the blog from the BSN to here (that is where you will find the fantastic artwork), but fanfiction won't allow that, so just go to the BioWare Social Network Blogs search copy/paste: Deception & The Aurora Prophecy and enjoy!