It's Hard on the Nerves Part V

I felt bad telling Garrus what the war did to Shepard, but he seemed to ease up over dinner and was enjoying himself. Shepard was getting good at cooking dextro food. It was the first real meal Garrus had had in a while that wasn't military grade chow. He leaned back put his arms behind his head

"Great meal, Commander."

Shepard grinned behind his goblet of red wine. "Thanks. Been a while since I've cooked for someone else."

"The wine was good too," he said grabbing the bottle to look at the label. "You can count on the asari capitalizing on the dextro species and making damn fine wine for them. How the hell did you get this? I figured most would have been destroyed in the war, especially during the fall of Thessia."

"Liara sent it," I said. "She said I'd like it after she saw that I enjoyed a bit of drinking at the Citadel apartment party. I don't know much about wine, but this is good. Savory, like drinking food."

"She understands it well enough to know she shouldn't drink it with an emergency induction port," Shepard quipped. "Swirl, sniff, and sip."

"I'd throw my knife at you if it wouldn't kill you, love."

"Knife? I think it's called a carnivorous incision and ingestion tool," Garrus said.

I twirled my dinner knife. "I don't think I'd have too much of an issue perforating you with this though."

Garrus chuckled and closed his eyes.

I swirled my glass and sniffed it. There were so many new things to smell without the mask and having the scents numbed through filters. Everything was so much more raw. I could smell wet granite, wood smoke, berries, and dried fruit in the wine. It went well with dinner made for us. I looked longingly to Shepard and appreciated him learning to cook dextro food. It's infinitely better than the nutrient paste I grew up eating. Life on Rannoch was better than I could even imagine. Trade and commerce happened relatively quickly here. This side of a galaxy wasn't hit as hard as the others. We recovered quickly after the battle of Rannoch. I was grateful. Other parts of the galaxy were not so lucky and are stuck in a perpetual state of ruin and reconstruction.

A chilled breeze floated through the doors as night finally settled. The sky was a sapphire blue with a thread thin lilac strip dissolving right over the ink black rocks. Silvered specs of cruisers and star ships traced the sky silently grazing the upper atmosphere like plankton in a deep cold ocean. My cheeks and face were flush from the alcohol and shivers went down my spine and fizzled in my toes. I pulled my chair next to Shepard's and leaned against his arm.

"Why don't we use the fireplace tonight?" he suggested with excitement.

We've only used it once before. I'm not sure why Liara would add something so primitive in the house, but it made Shepard happy. He said it was nostalgic, even though he grew up on ships. Never understood that one.

Garrus took a deep breath to snap out of a stare and watched Shepard walk to the hearth. He pulled logs from an insert in the wall and stacked the lumber in the fireplace.

"Never seen one of those before," said Garrus.

"I don't get it," I said. "There's better ways to heat an area."

Shepard shook his head. "Does it not excite your lizard brains? The snapping and crackle and smell of wood smoke."

"Not familiar with the term, Commander."

He shrugged. "Fair enough."

"Reminds me of burning garbage on Omega."

"Trust me on this one, Garrus. There's nothing like wood smoke on a cool night."

I nodded my head towards the couches in front of the fireplace to sit down and to try and understand Shepard's excitement. I emptied the bottle of wine and staggered to the sofa facing the fireplace. Garrus took command of the adjacent one. We watched the commander slash a hand over a holographic control panel and burners accelerated the time it took to catch the wood aflame. In no time, the fire was snapping and burning a warm orange like limestone in dusk. Shepard sat next to me and snaked an arm around my thin waist. Garrus leaned back entranced by the flame. We sat staring at the fire dance and embers zigzag into the chimney. The fire warmed my face and lips and arms and thighs and legs curled up on Shepard's lap. He absently rubbed my feet and I traced my fingers on the back of his head, feeling his velvet hair.

"I needed this," Garrus said. His voice was smaller than usual. "It motivates me."

"We don't want you to go back to work so fast," Shepard joked, missing the cadence of his sentences. My chest tightened at his tone.

"You okay?" I asked.

"I should clarify." His voice was a shard of what it usually is. "You two. You motivate me."

"How?" Shepard asked.

"To come back alive."

I set my goblet on the slate floor and leaned forward.

"You're the best there is. You have a duty and a call. A purpose in this chaotic galaxy. You've made that clear. You're not going to die," I said.

Garrus started deep in the flames and at the pulsating white coals.

"How can you say that, Tali? Of all the people, you should understand. Or has civility abraded your understanding of chance in a war zone?" His tone as offended and serious. "Just the other day I had a kinetic barrier malfunction and a Cerberus guerrilla sharpshooter missed my head by inches. The heat of his round scorched my face. I had molten concrete spalling fly into my neck. Had I not stopped second prior to issue a command you would be getting a letter from Liara saying I had died in an obliterated city trying to burn out zealous Cerberus fanatics. I would have died with my last thought wondering why I had a malfunction, kneeling in a puddle of pulverized concrete and sewage in a city I don't know how to pronounce."

I didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry," he said, surprised by his outburst. "I'm just… scared. I don't know when my last breath will be when I'm out there without the Commander. I lay in bed at night thinking of the men and women who have died under my command. All those poor souls crushed by stray bullets and hidden explosives. They're like ticks dug into these cities. The fighting is savage and dirty and brutal and lacks humanity. We're animals slugging it out in a quagmire creating by an event that has ended a year ago. It is a job that has to be done."

Shepard stood and walked to Garrus. He sat down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Shepard's eyes were big and doleful, wet around the edges. Breathing slowly. Garrus looked up to his commander. "I've known more years of war than I have of peace. I don't know how much longer I can take it. How many more kids I have to see die because they're standing in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Shepard put a hand behind Garrus' head and I could see my turian comrade's shoulder heaving up and down. Shepard pulled his brother's head into his chest and let him let loose.

"I don't want to disappoint you, Commander," he said.

"You're the best damn man I know. There's no way you can."

"I don't want to turn up dead. I don't want to die. I can't do that to you two."

Shepard pulled Garrus' head away and said, "Don't be so fucking selfless, you hear? We're military men. That can happen at any time like you said. We enlist knowing that. You need to worry about yourself out there, not us." He patted his cheek. "You have to focus, you hear? Trust your gut, especially with the war you're fighting. Textbook can be dangerous."

"Roger that." Garrus looked to the fire and grumbled. "It's just the alcohol getting to me. I'm completely wasted."

"You'll forget about all of this by tomorrow morning."

He nodded. "Yes sir." Garrus couldn't look us in the eye. "I need to lay down."

Shepard let him stretch out on the couch. He pulled a throw out from a drawer and covered him with it. Garrus put his feet to the fire and I saw him smile again. He pulled a pill bottle from his pocket and knocked back a few grumbling to himself that they were to suppress dreams and to force him to sleep like a downed reaper dreadnought.

"I get the smell," he finally said. "It smells like a home I've never had."

I pulled a strand of hair out of my face and leaned over to tap him on the shoulder. He leaned his head back to look at me, both beady eyes half opened, pupils dilated with intoxicity.

"This is home."

He closed his eyes and I saw his whole body finally relax in a way I've never seen before.

"He's out cold," whispered Shepard still holding onto me. "We should be quiet and watch the fire."

I leaned into his chest. He played with a curl and kissed the top of my head. I couldn't help but grin. Our dysfunctional family was finally at peace for the time being. Garrus' stoicism was a galvanized veneer that was starting to show its schisms. The horrors of the Reaper War can tax a person to their breaking point. Everyone has theirs. Garrus' was close. I feared for him. I remember the stories Javik would ominously tell us. I couldn't imagine being born into this.

Shepard returned to the sofa with another blanket.

"I want to keep an eye on him for the night. I can't leave him out here alone."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes."

I pulled him in for a kiss. "You're a good man," I said lovingly. "I'll take care of you after he leaves," I whispered in his ear. He nodded and pulled me into his lap to watch the flames.

I don't remember falling asleep, but I do remember waking, heart racing as I heard a muffled moan of terror. My eyes shot open and I was alone on the sofa. It was still warm to the touch. I looked around the room. Everything spun. Still drunk. Where was Shepard? Who was making that noise? The fire was dim but still burning. A long shadow was smeared across the floor and I saw Shepard kneeling, head pressed in his hands and propped on the sofa Garrus was sleeping on. He was screaming into a pillow, veins in his neck and temple bulged blue and inflated for each scream.

"Shepard." I threw my blanket off and crawled to him. His shirt was soaked through in a cold sweat. I laid a hand on his back, very gently. He screamed. And screamed. All muffled by fabric and cotton stuffing. One hand was trembling on Garrus' who was still out. I did wake him. I let him blow his voice out. I dare not wake him, but let me say this: these are the most painful parts of my relationship. My throat closed up afraid to imagine what he was seeing behind his eyelids. It killed me. A part of me dying with each episode he had. I wanted to help. I couldn't.

"It's okay," I cooed. "It's okay, I'm here. Tali is here. I'm here for you. You're safe. Garrus is safe."

He stopped screaming and I felt him react to my hand on his back. I slid it to his face and pulled it to meet my eyes. Mine glowed like light a lighthouse beckoning a lost ship home that was lost in deep black swells.

"Are you okay?"

He nodded.

I pulled him close. "I got you. You're home. I'm your home."

"How long was I doing that for?"

"I don't know."

"I hate having you see that. It tears me apart."

"It's okay. It's just part of what we have to deal with."

He hugged me. "I'm the luckiest guy in the galaxy to you have, Tali'Zorah."

Keelah, I melted. I tightened my hug and kissed him.

"Your shirt is soaked."

Garrus moaned, unconsciously annoyed at our whispered conversation. Shepard pressed a finger to my lips. I mouthed that he needs to take his shirt off before getting back on the couch with me. He ripped it off like a wet sock with difficulty. It got a smile from me that infected Shepard. He quietly set a few more logs on the flame and hovered over Garrus. He put the back of his hand near his nose and felt for a breath. Satisfied, he joined me on the couch. He laid on his back and I straddled him, laying my ear to his chest and pulled the blanket over my back.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked. "I know you like to. It makes you feel better."

He was quiet for a moment, then whispered, "Yeah."

"Was it about Garrus?"

"Yeah it was."

"What happened?"

"I," he paused, "I can't remember where we were. I think it was Thessia. I remember an Armageddon red sky. I gave an order. Following my gut feeling. Garrus followed suite. Can't remember much after that. It was loud." He looked to the fire. "The smoke took me back to the burning of Thessia. I found him laying down. You know how they look when they die. Laying down like they just lost all motor function. A sleeping person doesn't lay like that. Only the dead do. Don't know what happened to him, but he was gone. A random act of violence. Wasn't expecting it to end like that. War is a lottery of death."

The fire grew brighter and warmer. The bark snapped and logs shuffled, crumbling from the furnace. The smoke was sweet and reminded me of the deep red wine we drank for dinner. Warmth from the fire licked over my shoulders and back. I looked deep into Shepard's eyes and watched the distress fizzle out and be replaced by affection towards me. My lips swelled into his and I gave him a long deep kiss. The blanket crept from my shoulders and the hearths warmth swaddled my sloped shoulders. Shepard stopped kissing but I couldn't do as such. I pressed deeper and squeezed my thighs around his hips.

"Tali," he said quietly.

I couldn't help myself. He lightly touched my slender neck to halt me.

"No no," I whispered. I went for him again and felt him glance at Garrus worried. I felt him grow hard under me and I softly moaned in his mouth and ground myself into him. Hands retaliated, lips paused, lunged, paused, kissed deeper.

"Tali, we can't…"

"We can," I said with utter desperation. "I want you now. Keelah, I need you."

He tilted my chin up and nibble my neck and kissed my throat. Shivers overwhelmed me as his breath lightly battered my skin. His hands slid down my neck to my shoulders and swooped over the curvature of my sides and he slipped both hands under my dress to grab at my rear that softly filled his hands. Admittedly I like taking things slower, but I had been teasing him so much today that I honestly couldn't hold it in much longer. I wanted my captain as much as I wanted him before the collector base. Hands shook from yearning and me still being drunk, I didn't have a care in the world. Sliding back I turned to Garrus. Dead asleep, the crown of his head facing us, feet to the fire.

Shepard's blue eyes widened at me.

"Let's take this to…" I covered his mouth and told him to shut up. I blindly groped at his belt line for a button and zipper. My knuckles brushed again a wet spot I had made and I couldn't hold back a moan. Keelah, I was so hungry for him. I pulled his pants back to mid thigh and rubbed against him. He shut his eyes and said something about this being wrong, but I could tell he wanted me as much as I did him. He wasn't as drunk as me and was fighting his morals. I forgot I had any at this point. I bit his ear and told him to stop talking and let me do the work. Grabbing his throat with one hand, I used my other to guide him inside me. He flinched when my cold fingers touched and slipped him in with ease. He filled me from within. He tried pulling away from me, so I laid all my weight into my hips and followed his reverse thrust. I gasped when I felt my lips press heavily into his pelvis. I put a hand over my mouth and pressed my palm over his. The blanket fell from my shoulders and pooled around my waist as I leaned up and slowly took both hands off our mouths. I asked him if he was going to be good for me and he nodded. Control was mine. I grabbed his knees and swayed my hips like a pendulum on him. Shepard tried to touch me but I grabbed his arms and put them over his head and mouthed watch. Slowly I went to not make much noise as was so wet. Heat from the fire draped over us while Shepard warmed me from the inside. A heavy chilled breeze surged over us and goosebumps streaked down my arms and hardened my nipples through my thin cotton dress. I kept rolling into him and teased him by pulling the bottom rim of my dress up to my belly button so he could watch my gyrations and see my soft skin. Shepard had enough and pushed into me instead of away and followed my lead into careless lust. I slipped a thumb under the shoulder straps of my dress, bit my lip, and dropped the top. It fell around my hips. I shook raven black streaks of curly hair out of my face for it to run down the center channel of my toned back and pushed out my chest paired with a quick thrust on my hips. His mouth opened and a mute groan choked back. He rolled over a spot inside of me that jellied my knees. I forced it to happen again and warmth seemed to step from inside. Again. Ecstasy pulsed down low. Fat throbs of blood rushed through sections inside of me. Shepard's eyes hungrily worked their way down my body. The nectar light cast thick seductive shadows down my body. My teardrop shaped navel was darkened, velvet shadows traced my ribs, my toned stomach, and breasts intoxicating my captain. Both fists were whitening as he wanted to touch. I wagged a finger at him and worked that spot I had found from within.

He turned to Garrus on the couch, but I angrily grabbed his chin and turned his focus back to me. His eyes mellowed and I knew Garrus was still out. My breaths shortened and mouth began to dry. Gravity seemed to tug down low. Everything felt as if it was swelling with warmth and began to tingle in a exotic sharp way, like watching a fat low rain cloud darken and bubble with energy as if about to expel a rolling gout of thunder and lightning. It grew and grew. Wouldn't stop building. I slapped a hand over my mouth and my eyes widened. I braced myself on Shepard's chest with a free arm. It kept building. Blood pulsed and pooled down low, pressure kept increasing and tightened like the skin of a balloon blown past bursting. Hips cadence increased and Shepard kept glancing off my spot. I knew I was there. I sat deep and hungrily on him one more time and dragged myself against him in one final thrust and I felt the lightning burst from within. Its tendrils lathed at reason as I fought back my voice. Desperately I rocked into him and begged him to touch me. I rode the lighting as I tightened around him from inside with tugging pulses. I grabbed the back of his head and pushed his face into my chest, still riding and forcing him to bounce off my spot that grew plump and slick with each constriction. My nails dug into his back. Red stripes raised from his glistening skin.

I grabbed his arms and pushed them back over his head and he mouthed that he was about to go off like I did. Another one was building up inside me but I had to take a break as sensitivity took over. Shepard begged me to not stop with his eyes. I grinned and stood still as a Greek statue. He tried to thrust into me but I tightened my thighs and pinned him to the couch. His pants held him in bondage and I was stronger than I looked even after cool down. A flicker of frustration and anger sparkled in his eyes that turned me on in my ridiculous inebriated state. He stopped moving and disappointment settled in until I started rocking on him again after I was sure he had backed away from the edge. He was harder than before and large inside me. Veins stood on his neck as he tried to thrust in me. I gripped his v-shaped waist and pushed him into the couch, using my nails to get him to stop. I wanted to make him come. Just me and my movements. I wanted to feel the pride of doing all the work since he's always so attentive to me. I think he understood and stopped. The work was hard. The fire in the hearth was growing hotter and I began to sweat. Jewels rolled down neck and slid between my breasts and ran down the toned divot on my stomach. Where we connected was slick from effort and sex. Shepard's eyes widened yet again and I stopped. I was getting close, but I wanted to fire off together. I continue to edge him with slow, unctuous rocks for what seemed like forever. My lightning was charging up again, but it came from deeper this time, larger than before. We both wanted to discharge, but I had to make Shepard beg for it. I wanted to work him until he could no longer think of anything over than my final thrust that would tip him. So close. I was so close. He had ballooned in me and throbbed yearning for me to finish him. He begged me, mouthed please over and over again. I sat motionless atop him. The sharp tingle teased me, its tether cranking me with Herculean strength closer to one more thrust. Heart was pounding. My abdomen bathed in honeyed light seemed breathless and fluttered endlessly, tightening and loosening over my ribs like a leather bellow. One more move and we were both to go off. I teetered on the edge and could feel everything inside me tiptoeing to the edge, leaning over the chasm of no return, the weight tilting it forward to fall, weight shifting, tipping, no return. Lost footing. Sucking in to maximize the pressure, I luxuriously slid forward and felt the final ribs of friction ripple past into finality. Shepard curled forwards and hugged me, pressing his open lips against my breasts to keep from crying out. The energy firing off was so great I went limp and sat deeply on Shepard as he pumped deep inside me. He had came to a halt but my lightning continued to constrict my lower half in great booming pulses. He held me and breathed in my ear how much he loved me as happiness crippled every other thought I had. Tears streamed down my face as I hugged him back with weak arms. I cried from the lightning, the sensitivity, from having my captain, and from surviving the war to be able to get to do this on my home world.

We embraced for a moment longer before I wordlessly went to the bathroom to clean up. I washed my hands and leaned on the counter and stared at myself in the mirror. My long eyelashes were clumped together from tears and cheeks flushed. I fixed a shoulder strap that was twisted a million times and stepped into some underwear. I rejoined Shepard on the sofa. Garrus had not moved and expelled a gravely, low, but comforting snore.

"I don't know," said Shepard wrapping me in his arms.

"Then don't say anything.' I pecked him on the corner of his mouth and buried my face into his chest. I felt good about myself, if not a little dirty. I laughed. In the morning I would be questioning myself I was sure. For now, I was satisfied and happy and a bit cocky.

Mornings on Rannoch are beautiful. It's still cool from the night, not too hot. Sunset is a bouquet of colors. Shepard woke me with a tall glass of native fruit juice. I sipped it sitting on a bar stool at the kitchen island and stared outside. Shepard sat on the couch waiting for Garrus to wake, who woke half an hour later and joined us at the kitchen island. Shepard make a quick breakfast and poured Garrus a tall glass of juice. Said it would help since were were all dehydrated.

"I slept like the dead last night," Garrus said, breathless after a long drink. "Haven't slept like that since after we won against the reapers."

"Do you remember… anything from last night?"

Garrus stared outside. "That wine got to me. I don't remember much." He laughed. "I hope I didn't say anything stupid. Just remember fire. No nightmares. I think sleeping in a home helped." He looked to us. "Were you guys out there the whole night with me, or did you wander off to you room?"

"Whole night," I said.

He nodded bashfully. "Thanks… for that."

He had something stuck on his mind and looked towards his old commander.

"I'm going to use the bathroom," I said, giving them much needed space. I can only assume Garrus expressed his feelings on not serving with Shepard and crew any longer. I can't say I hoped Shepard would say no to serving again. Life on Rannoch was the greatest thing to happen to me. My boyfriend essentially fought for and gave me a planet. But there is a lack of definite excitement during peacetime. In a sick way, I missed combat. I've heard veterans from geth conflicts saying the same things even though what they saw were of the darkest imaginable horrors organic life has endured. Never thought I would feel the same. It frightened me.

When I came out, they both were shaking hands and seemed to have come to some sort of an agreement.

"Did you want compete against me again?" asked Shepard eyeing his lever action rifle propped in a corner.

Garrus thought about it and said, "Not today. That will give me an excuse to come back here in one piece to kick your ass and settle this argument one and for all."

We exchanged goodbyes as his leave was coming to a close. They needed him back on the front doing what he does best: putting holes in heads at very long distances. He took a deep breath and looked around one last time.

"You'll always have a home in my unit," he said.

I put a hand on his arm and said, "And you always have a home here."

It's Hard on the Nerves is finally done, more spin-offs will follow suite. I'm currently working on a novel I hope to publish, but I promise you I'll will keep writing these until the very last person stops visiting. Mass Effect fanfiction are my roots after all. I can't turn my back on family while I'm chasing my dreams. These are super fun and good for my health to write in between my serious writing-it's like digging into a juicy cheeseburger with no regard to manners compared to the fine dining writing I'm slaving away at. I love you all. Keep stopping by; my doors are always open, even eight years later.

-RAGE