Chapter Seventy Eight –Tainted

The taint of the students' words still remained on Olivia when she returned home two days later. After she'd disembarked from the plane she'd found Ben waiting for her at baggage claim. Immediately she headed toward him and walked into his awaiting arms for a hug. She was so glad to be away from that presentation and back home again. When she pulled away Ben tucked a loose piece of hair behind her ear and smiled. Olivia managed to offer him a small smile in return. It wasn't exactly sad, but a true, bright happiness was missing.

"Did the trip get any better?"

"A little bit."

"That's good."

It was good, but Ben could tell something was still going on. She seemed so distant.

"Are you okay, Olivia?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

She was lying. Ben knew it, but he couldn't call her out on it. Not yet at least. Maybe given time she would pull through whatever was lingering over her.

"Are you ready to go home?"

"Yeah," Olivia admitted. "Beyond ready. I just need to get my suitcase."

It didn't take long to find it on the conveyor belt, and once they had it they headed for Olivia's apartment. Olivia didn't say much on the trip through the city, and Ben noticed that she appeared to be struggling to stay awake. There was no reason why she should be so tired (considering the time of day jet lag shouldn't be hitting her at all) unless she hadn't been sleeping. If whatever was bothering her was destroying her sleep then maybe it was more serious than he thought. Or he could be over thinking things, and she just hadn't managed to sleep in a bed that wasn't her own.

When they walked into her apartment Suvi's ears pricked in excitement. The instant his vest came off he sprinted through the rooms and planted himself in the middle of the living room carpet where he could squirm around on his back. There was no doubt that he was happy to be home too.

Ben grinned and gently touched Olivia's back.

"Why don't you go take a nap? You looked pretty tired in the car."

"I need to unpack."

"I can handle that. Go rest."

"Are you sure?"

She looked at him questioningly, but there was a well-concealed trace of hopefulness in her eyes too.

"Olivia, I wouldn't have offered if I hadn't been sure. Go curl up on the couch or, better yet, in your bed."

"Okay. Just wake me up in two hours if I'm still asleep. I'm supposed to be at one of Christine's group sessions."

Ben blinked at her in surprise. She was supposed to go in and help with a therapy session the day she returned from the trip? That didn't sound like the best planning to him. Sometimes she just put too much on her own plate.

"It's not going to kill them if you miss one day."

"Having Suvi there helps them. It's worth going," she protested gently.

"Alright."

He really thought sleep was more important, but if she wanted to go that bad then he would wake her up. He had learned a long time ago to pick his battles with her. Olivia smiled thankfully at him and walked toward her bedroom, rubbing at her face as she went. As Ben watched her go he had to hope that she would actually sleep the full two hours. It was starting to look more and more like she needed the rest. When he'd picked her up at baggage claim he'd been glad he'd taken the day off to bring her home. Now that they were back he was even happier with his decision. Knowing Olivia, if he hadn't suggested she go rest, she wouldn't have even considered it. Sometimes she couldn't handle anything on her own.

Olivia didn't end up sleeping the full two hours, but she stayed in bed anyway. Even though she was exhausted, falling asleep was easier said than done. When she'd finally passed out she'd only managed to sleep for about forty five minutes. That would have to work though because she had somewhere to be.

She didn't have as much trouble staying awake during the session as she'd been afraid she would. That didn't mean she was able to pay much attention though. Normally she tried to even though Suvi was the one that would help the victims the most during counselling, but today that wasn't possible. She was tired, her ego was bruised and bleeding, and she couldn't get the words out of her head. Everyone else was so stuck in their own heads that chances were they didn't notice that was happening with Olivia too. That was perfectly fine with her. This was their group, and she didn't want to take anything away from them. What Olivia didn't realize was that Christine had noticed where Olivia's head was. It wasn't until the session had ended and the other women were leaving that Christine moved to address her concerns about her former patient. She sat down in the chair nearest to Olivia and pulled it a little closer.

"Olivia, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Olivia returned as she looked up to meet Christine's gaze.

"I know that look on your face. It's been a while since I've seen it, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten."

She'd seen Olivia looking distant and hollow many times before, but that had all been when they were meeting once a week. That was all before Suvi. The same expression was back now after such a long time.

Olivia shifted her gaze to the floor and trailed her fingers over Suvi's nose. She knew her hurt was likely visible, but she hadn't expected Christine to ask about it. If it had been anyone other than Christine she wouldn't have been very happy about the prying, but she fully trusted Christine and had become used to sharing her innermost feelings with the therapist.

"I should probably be setting up a session," she mumbled.

"Let's consider it a freebie in exchange for a favor I was going to ask for anyway."

"Alright."

Christine quietly watched her, but Olivia didn't say anything. Apparently if she wanted to know what was bothering Olivia she was going to need to come out and ask.

"What's going through your head right now, Olivia?"

"Their words."

"Whose words?"

"The college kids at the university I was presenting at."

"And what did they say?"

"That I was a drug addict in withdrawal," Olivia replied bitterly. "My hands were shaking the entire time I was there."

"Because of your injury."

It wasn't a question but a reminder.

"Yes, but that didn't matter. All they saw was a druggie. An addict."

Olivia's face darkened and twisted in frustration. Saying it out loud hadn't made it any better; it had only made it worse. She'd spit the words out like they would leave a bad taste in her mouth and wanted them gone as quick as possible. While speaking the words hadn't exactly left her feeling like she'd just tasted something disgusting, she did feel somewhat sick to her stomach.

"And you don't like being lumped in with them," Christine said. Again it wasn't a question.

"No! Why would I? I've seen people shaking from withdrawal and others who were all out Jonesing. They're pathetic, unreliable. Nobody believes a word they say since most addicts would do anything for a fix. There's nothing good about them. Why would I want to be considered one of them? With everything I was I'm now reduced to this? Someone that everyone looks at with disgust? A laughing stock? That's not exactly something anyone would be proud of."

Christine waited quietly during Olivia's irate fuming. She knew the other woman was upset. It was what had started the conversation in the first place. Olivia needed to get some of the anger out of her system. Until she was through with that Christine couldn't even try to counter what she was saying. Regardless, waiting until Olivia cooled down would be beneficial. Everyone needed a chance to vent.

"Olivia," Christine said gently when Olivia had finally fallen silent. She waited again until Olivia met her eyes. "You aren't one of them."

Olivia took a deep breath and let it out before nodding.

"I know."

"Do you think this is bothering you so much because you think you are like them in a small way? They screwed up and got themselves into the situation they're in, and you can't help thinking you failed somehow and let your injury happen."

Olivia frowned and thought about it for a second.

"No."

"Why do you think it bothers you so much then?"

Again Olivia fell silent as she thought about it. This time it took a lot longer for her to figure out an answer. Even after she realized what was truly bothering her it didn't help. The students' words were like burrs, clinging to her and not letting go. Thinking about them hurt, and talking about what hurt most would be even more painful. Suvi rubbed his head against her leg, and she stroked his fur. Olivia focused on petting him while she tried to get the words out.

"If I can't even appear whole in front of a bunch of kids, how can I be whole for him? How can I be…"

"Worthy?" Christine asked.

Olivia rolled the word around in her head, trying to see if it fit, and nodded. Christine couldn't hide her exasperation as she released a long breath and shook her head. It amused Olivia and released some of the hurt still clinging to her. She knew why Christine thought she was being ridiculous. They had been over this same problem, generally, many times before.

"I know. I know."

"This is all old fears reemerging in a different costume," Christine confirmed. "Have you talked to Ben about this?"

"No. I didn't want to worry him." A tiny smile flickered over her face, and she continued with a touch of amusement, "Of course he would have just kissed me and told me I was being an idiot."

"That probably would have done the trick, Olivia, and it would have been a lot less troublesome."

Olivia grinned. Christine was probably right. Just admitting the deep truth what was really bothering her and hearing someone tell her it wasn't true helped.

"That's probably true."

"I'm going to give you some homework then."

"Is this the favor you mentioned?"

"No. I'll get to that in a second. For your homework I want you to talk to Ben. Really talk to him. Tell him what happened, what you're feeling. Understand?"

"Yes. Got it."

"Good. I expect an A on this assignment from you, Olivia."

Author's Note: Dear guest! (because I can't respond to you any other way) I promise there is a scene like that before the end of the story. Not quite the way that you described, but it should be very satisfactory! And for the rest of you hoping for more seizures, those are coming too.