A/N: I don't own anyone but the Major...Though the crew of the James argue otherwise.
Again welcome our latest followers: quack-quack21 (Love the name) and ShelbyRainbow! The support has been surprising from everyone as again I have been unsure about how pairing Chandler with my OFC would be received. But he needs someone right?!
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Mid Atlantic...Present...
"I am SO over this shit," Alex snarled as she suited up. "Ruskov can kiss my goddamn ass! I should tell him that! Yeah, I should grab the radio out of Tom's hand and tell that son of a bitch in Russian to KISS MY ASS!"
She paused and rethought her words.
"On second thought, he would like that. Probably hasn't even touched a woman since this whole thing started!"
She jerked the zipper up faster than she wanted, running a gloved finger between the teeth. Her lips puckered together with a deep anguished growl.
"Damn it!" Her wrist snapped as if the plastic had been a venomous snake. Her right hand trembled as it turned and curled in inspection. The surface layer had been compromised at the tip. Easy to redress.
"Easy there Alex," she chided herself and slowed down. "They're not worth getting pissed off over. Not worth the energy."
"Alex," Rachel was dressing up alongside her. "You alright?"
Alex took a moment to recover before nodding. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just...anxious that's all. After Brasil, we have to be one step ahead of Ruskov. I don't know if he'll fall for this."
Rachel saw the apprehension looming in the thousand yard stare that greeted her.
"We can't let them down." She shook her head.
"Hey," pressure came down on her left shoulder. Rachel squeezed it in a supportive gesture. "Alex take a deep breath for me."
"I-I need," she couldn't finish her words and flopped into the chair. Her breathing quickened and stomach knotted. Alex propped an elbow on the table, cupping her forehead to the palm of her hand. The satellite phone was beginning to tilt precariously with the table and lamp following in cadence. Alex went into the edge, clawing her hands around the edge as if she was keeping her body from falling. Nerves burned as muscle locked and seared in agony, preventing her from moving. Everything was spinning! Her head was light, causing her to shut her eyes hard. Adrenaline had begun its intervention, only amplifying her looming breakdown.
No...no no no not now!
"Look at me," Rachel was suddenly there, taking her face into her hands. They were cool and dry, unlike her sweaty burning ones. The slender fingers absently brushed over her cheeks. She ignored the beads of sweat threading across her skin as she looked Alex straight in the eyes and spoke with authority. "Now focus on why you're doing this. The reason, the person up on that bridge counting on you and me. He needs you. He needs you to be strong. I need you to be strong."
Seconds turned into minutes which felt like hours as she waited for her friend to reply, move, do something to acknowledge her. The silence clung about them. It was five; five minutes before Alex blinked twice then gradually nodded. Good, she was coming down. Find what stabilized her; kept her grounded.
"I think you mean persons as in 216 of them."
"Exactly," the Brit smiled softly. "We can do this. Remember when we were in the field in Ukraine when there was the Newcastle incident?"
"Yeah," serenity calmed her body and softened her face. "Everyone was in a perpetual state of panic and the local officials were-"
"Desperate to get control and we did just that."
Rachel stood back as her partner rose, wiping her eyes then don the hood of the suit. Confidence was taking over, exorcising the trepidation. Her demons retreated to the abyss of doubt and darkness that lurked in the corners of her mind; biding their time for another day.
"You're right," she crossed into the hot zone and deposited the canister on the bench. "I can't let them down. We can't let them down."
"I'll get the media." Rachel went for the fume hood. "What do you think we should do?"
"Maybe something very unpleasant." Alex passed two tubes over. "Just enough to debilitate them but not kill them. We don't kill to make a point. What do we have?"
Chandler never wavered in his stance at the helm. A rouse wouldn't be successful this time. Whatever Alex and Rachel were cooking up better be good.
"Captain," Alex hollered out with Rachel keeping pace alongside her. "You might want to handle this package with care."
He looked down at the small tin resting in her open hand.
"What is it?"
"Don't worry, Captain" Rachel smiled coyly. "It is nothing more than two vials of Escherichia coli. We all carry it in our lower intestinal tract."
"Only we did a little tinkering with it," Alex couldn't but help to grin sheepishly. "But don't worry it won't kill them if you're concerned about that. Only problem is getting close enough to deliver our gift."
"We can cover that," Lieutenant Green spoke up. "I wanna run Alpha."
Alex raised an eyebrow at the young officer.
"Lieutenant, this is not going to be an easy mission." Alex turned her body around so she could face him. Foster was leaning in, intent on knowing what was going on. "In order to be successful, the vials have to be introduced directly onto the ship. Ruskov will be watching us."
"With all due respect Major," he stiffened in her presence. "I am well aware of the risks in undertaking a mission such as this. It's what I was trained for."
"It's not my call, Lieutenant," Alex looked to Chandler.
"If you think you can do this," the Captain nodded. Alex reluctantly handed the tin over to Green. He reached out, curling his fingers around the precious item. She could feel the angst radiating from Foster even though she was across the way. It took everything in Alex's power to keep from letting him have it in front of everyone.
I love you...Stay away from me!
Evasion: Danny's way of keeping his mind on the goddamn mission while thinking he was keeping Kara safe. Jesus that boy was thicker headed than Alex had guessed! If they survived this, she was going to sit that kid down and slap some sense into that thick skull of his.
"I know I can do it, Sir." It was like no emotion existed. Just a hollow shell ready to serve. Yep, he was getting a talk.
"Very well," Chandler issued his order. Alex could only offer a sympathetic look for Foster. Her heart went out to the younger officer. Seeing how much love she harbored only broke her own heart. Why did men have to be such idiots?
"Kara," Alex flagged her down before she could vanish into the officer's break room. "Kara wait up."
Foster waited and watched as the Major hurried towards her. The older officer gave a warm smile, disarming any apprehensions.
"Let's grab some coffee," Alex turned the door and pushed it open. As they started in, they froze just as fast. Lieutenant Green was at the table; alone. Admiral Halsey was stretched out on the chilly tile, a source of relief from the excess heat of his handler's cabin. Hearts pounded, increasing the tension between the strained lovers. Alex felt her lungs being saturated as the air thickened.
"Lieutenant Green," Alex formally greeted him.
"Major," he was curt. He didn't say a word to Foster or even give a look of acknowledgment.
"Have you thought of how you're going to get those samples on the ship?" Alex casually strolled towards the coffee maker and motioned Foster to join her. Foster hesitated but mustered her will and took her place alongside the elder officer.
"Not yet," he took another bite of cling peaches.
"You know," Alex took a drink and dropped in the seat to his left. It was just right on strength. "Before the world went to Hell, for me it always when was the next deployment. When would that 3 AM call happen, kick starting the sweet rush of adrenaline that fueled me for 48 hours straight when I saw action. I lived for the outbreaks and facing down viruses like Ebola and Marburg on its terms. Such a thrill. I took advantage of each day, knowing I was going to return home to my boyfriend, Mark. He was a doctor you know; a brilliant one. Loved working in the hospital setting, taking care of those in need. His passion he wore on his sleeve."
Foster watched the light dull as Alex's eyes started misting over. Spider webs made of crimson crisscrossed pearl fracturing the immaculate surface. Her hand holding the mug began to shake, forcing her to clamp her wrist with the opposite hand.
"But then the Pandemic reached home. I had been sent to Chicago to investigate a cluster of cases when I got the call. It was 8:16 AM. It was beautiful Friday morning. The cardinal was singing right outside my window. The cars down on Shoreline Drive were gridlocked as though the virus had not tainted limits of the city. The summer heat was just gearing up. It's funny how you can recall the little things in times of duress."
Alex lifted her wrist and slowly tipped the edge of the mug to her lips. Her voice had cracked under the strain of summoning ghosts. Green and Foster traded uneasy glances.
"Mark had contracted it and was dying. He was calling out for me despite the delirium that had set in. Had been for almost 12 fucking hours. I raced back to Maryland, taking every flight that would get me closer to him; but I was too late. Mark had died six hours earlier; surrounded by men and women in Level A suits in a cold viral laden cubicle. Doctors said his final breath had been my name. I had lost the one person that I loved more than anything. My family had passed away from it a month before and he was all I had in this god forsaken world. He had NO ONE! No one to hold his hand or stroke his face or tell him they would never leave him. God, I couldn't even start to comprehend how scared he must've been. Your body shutting down, your mind falling in behind it; wasting away like a living corpse. I had been so carefree, so callous in thinking he would always be there, cooking or perhaps watching a Nationals game, waiting for me to come home. I wish I could've spent more time with him; tell him I loved him more. But I lost it. Rejection, Lieutenant Green; rejection will cost you dearly."
He was mute, swallowing hard as Alex took another drink. She sniffled and swept the tears with the back of her hand.
"I don't want to see anyone else have to go through what I did. Don't push out the ones who care about you. Keeping your distance will only make the pain greater."
Green shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable. Still, he stay seated.
"I had to learn my lesson the hard way."
Alex stood, feeling the urge to leave. Talking about Mark had ripped the wound back open. Leaving the younger officers, she darted out the door and raced for her cabin.
"Alex!" She didn't hear her name echoing down the corridor.
"Alex!" Again the plea fell on deaf ears.
"Alexandra!" This time she stopped her hurried stride. Tex had been shouting her name. "Alex, wait up."
"Tex," she kept her back to him. Alex didn't want him to see her hurting. "I-I didn't hear you. But shouldn't you be up on deck? I mean the Russians-"
"Ruskov backed off for now. I was calling your name for the last minute." She couldn't see the deep burrowing of the man's brow. "Are you alright? "
"Uh yeah I'm fine," she lied. "I was just heading back to my cabin."
"I don't think you're alright," he gently placed a hand on her shoulder, coaxing Alex to turn around. Seeing the hurt only confirmed his initial statement. "You're not alright."
"Don't worry about me," she gave a sad small smile and smeared another tear across her cheek. "I'll manage this."
"No," Tex adamantly shook his head. "No, Alex you're not going to suffer alone. Why must you insist on being so goddamn stubborn?! Come on," he took her elbow and took the lead.
"I know I said I put Mark to rest but," she stopped and leaned against the nearest wall. Her hands rested on her knees as her head dipped down. "It was so hard back there, bringing him up. I felt like I was relieving that day all over again. I felt so helpless, not being there and being stuck 1000 miles away. It seemed more like a million miles. You know the only thing I have left is one photo of him taken at Saint Kitts. Look," Alex shook her head. "I know he's gone as the rest of the Old World is but it still hurts. Damn it still hurts."
"Alex," Tex clasped both hands on her shoulders. "We all lost loved ones. You're still grieving, yes, I can see it and hear it. But please don't keep it in. It'll eat you from the inside out."
"No," she shook her head. "I can't dump this on him. It wouldn't be fair for him to have to listen to me dredge it back up. I don't want to do that to him. He told me he finally realized what he needed. Tex, I saw it in his eyes. It was a genuine happiness. I don't think I've ever seen that expression before. I can't destroy that."
"To be honest, you're the best thing that happened to him since this all started."
"Me? The same pain in the ass major who decided to take a little swim in the Caribbean Sea and go after one of Ruskov's goons? The same one who took it upon herself to-" Tex shot a hand up.
"Yes, Alex, that same pain in the ass. He may not be able to say or show it outright, but he does genuinely care about you. I've seen it. You two may put on a show for the rest of the crew and officers but not everyone buys it."
"I know that it's wrong for us to," she paused. "But the world we know is gone. I can't let anything happen like it has between Foster and Green-" Tex's eyes widened but softened.
"Oh shit," Alex slapped her palm to her forehead. Boot meet mouth. Well so much for confidentiality.
"Let's take a walk," Tex suggested. Together they departed the opposite way.
"Thanks," she curled her hands around the mug. Now they were in her cabin. "Look, I didn't intend to unload like that. But it did feel good to get it out."
"Always does," his face brightened into a comforting smile. "Mark will always be a part of you just as Tom's family will be a part of him. But it's okay to let yourself develop those feelings again. You two fit; you're a team. Even XO Slattery notices it."
"Mike," she smiled halfheartedly. "We weren't sure how he would react if he figured it out. But I know he hurts; he hurts like the rest of us. At first I thought he was going to strangle Rachel. You know for keeping back the fact she had been playing telephone with the mainland and they had to maintain silence. I know that feeling; being the unwanted orphan. It happened to me the first time I set foot in USAMRIID."
"To be honest," Tex spoke up. "We both can understand his sentiments."
"I didn't know what else to do," Alex took a longer drink as she shifted subjects. "I told Tom I wasn't doing it on purpose. I knew he would freak out . Hell, Rachel wasn't thrilled about it either. Called me a goddamn looney bird after I recovered. Mike was more colorful in his words. I suppose I had that coming considering the risks I put everyone in."
"When that happened, the Captain had feared the worst. I'm pretty certain he didn't sleep in his cabin the entire time. There were a few days he stood there, watching Rachel and Doc Rios care for you. He didn't say much to anyone. He seemed to be in some kind of daze; like one of those zombies from the movies. You know, all lumbering and grunting but not decomposing or smelly. But when he got word you were awake and on the mend, it was as if someone had flipped the switch."
"Christ," Alex pinched the bridge of her nose hard. Guilt was crashing over like waves, lapping at the edge of her resolve. "I-I never knew."
"From what I've seen he's not exactly a man to wear his emotions on his sleeve," Tex's grin fired up. "And neither are you."
"Well I wore my heart on my sleeve back in that break room. Hell it was tattooed on my damn arm."
"Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."
"Thanks," Alex smiled against the warm ceramic edge. "Suppose we should find out how our mailman is going to make delivery."
Rachel was already in what Alex deemed the War Room when the latter entered. Chandler tipped his head up, catching the bloodshot eyes she had so miserably failed to conceal.
"Major," he greeted her professionally. Alex directed her eyes downward as she hastily shut the door. There would be questions; questions she would have to answer for.
"My apologies," she joined the small group comprised of Chandler, XO Slattery, Rachel, Gator, and Lieutenant Green. The youngest officer refrained from looking across the table at Alex.
"Actually Major you're on time," Chandler shook his head. "Gator, catch the Major up."
"Sir," the ship's navigator rolled out a schematic across the table. "Major Koch if you would come around," he motioned for Alex to join him. "How familiar are you with Soviet vessels?"
"If it's after World War II I'm horrible," she responded regretfully. "But please lay it on me."
"Alright," his index finger pointed to the center of the diagram. "Kirov class battle cruisers are larger than the James, which is an Arleigh Burke destroyer. But, they aren't without flaws."
"What do you mean without flaws? Correct me if I'm wrong Gator but these are the Russians we're dealing with and they're weren't exactly known for making mistakes in the military department. Yes they were built to take out the carrier fleets and that is as far as my knowledge goes."
"You are right on that Major but," he pulled back the top drawing and spread the second one out. "If we can get someone up close, long enough to deposit the vials, our best shot is here."
Alex craned her neck and studied the section of the ship Gator tapped. It was difficult to share in the navigator's ambitions.
"What if they detect Lieutenant Green or whomever goes out? Surely there has to be another way. Ruskov is going to expect something like that. What about water? Do they generate their own or will they have to seek it out?"
"The Kirovs can generate their own water but if I recall they do have the capabilities of purifying water from any source."
"Captain if I may," Alex carefully spoke up.
"Go ahead Major," he gave her the table.
"Why don't we use another means to deliver? How about the air? Perhaps pick up a favorable wind and dispense it that way. We remain upwind of it."
"The Major's right," Rachel nodded. "Disseminating it by air would be the best. One person can remain on board, staying safe. We can monitor the procedure and ensure it works."
"It would be a total mind fuck for Ruskov. He may have written the book on modern naval warfare, but he knows shit about microbiology other than what he knows about the virus." Alex could care less about her words at that instant. Mike flinched at her lack of mincing while Tom was stoic. Gator rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
"Oh come on guys, you are all thinking the same thing. I merely said it!" Alex huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. "Remember, 'Know thy enemy'."
"Major's got a point," Mike spoke up. "You said so yourself Ruskov paved the way. He's arrogant. He probably thinks he's won this round. Why take the risk and put someone in the line of fire?"
The XO glanced at Rachel who faintly smiled.
"Doctor, can you and the Major do it? Make it airborne?"
"It will take us time but we can do it." Rachel looked to Alex who gave a simple nod. Her mouth was occupied with coffee. "We can aersolize it then disperse with a basic vehicle or means. Look at how the Anthrax attacks occurred. Mail delivery."
"And let's not forget Sverdlovsk," Alex removed the mug from her mouth which was curled in a disgusted snarl. With the exception of Rachel, everyone else seemed perplexed.
"Sverdlovsk was a town in Russia that was the focus of a release of anthrax spores in 1979. Of course the Soviets denied it and covered it up claiming it was caused by consumption of contaminated meat. Wasn't the case. Yelstin finally admitted what the West was screaming for years: It was because of a filter not being replaced but because of military activity. The wind carried the spores down a straight line. The KGB had already confiscated the files from the hospital and other documents that would implicate the military. Of course no one could get inside the actual facility."
Alex finished off her coffee and slowly placed the mug on the table. She shoved her hands into her pockets, catching the mixed reactions. "But It doesn't matter now. None of that does." No one spoke, perhaps expecting for her to speak first. Instead, a finger outlined an area around the boathouse.
"Air intake," she flicked the spot. "Pull a reverse Sverdlovsk."
With that she polished the remaining coffee off and made hasty exit.
"So you wanna tell me what's going on?"
Rachel paused, halfway dressed in the lab suit. She peered curiously at Alex who was zipping the front of hers up.
"I don't know what you're talking about," she was nonchalant in her reply.
"Don't think I didn't see it. You and Mike are warming up to each other. The dirty looks are gone. No snide remarks or undermining. Well it's about damn time it happened. All that tension mounting," she plastered a knowing smile. "The rage and hatred changing into something deeper."
"You're incorrigible."
"Look, all I'm saying is XO Slattery has finally started waking up and stopped being a giant ass bag. Maybe he's turning over a new piece coral or something," she shrugged and flipped the hood over then sealing that tight. "Who am I to judge right?"
"Don't think I don't know what's going on between you and the Captain," Rachel threw Alex's words back. "I saw you leaving his cabin on more than one occasion. And if I recall, you weren't in your cabin a few different nights."
"So?" The Major shrugged. "Are you my mom now?"
"So? Alex, I wasn't born yesterday."
Alex's shoulders drooped and face tinged pink before fanning out along her neck and ears.
"Alright fine," she flipped the tin back open. "You win Nancy Drew. We're keeping things under wraps," her head sharply snapped up. "For good reason. You understand."
"I won't say anything," Rachel's hands flipped up in defense.
"And I won't say anything about Mike." Alex drew an invisible cross over her heart. "Cross my heart."
"Again," Rachel felt the laugh rumbling in her chest. "You're incorrigible." She paused and went quiet for a moment. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," Alex was hunched over a microscope.
"Well it's just when you came in earlier you're eyes were-"
"It was nothing; really it wasn't anything serious. I was wearing my emotions on my sleeve; something I promised myself not to do after..." her finger tapped nervously on a narrow space of the bench. "Never mind, let's get back to getting this ready." Her words came out harsher than desired as the sharp flinch in her partner's face wavered through the plastic shield.
"Damn it I'm sorry. I didn't mean to try and bite your head off. Let's just get this done." Alex hung her head, guilt ridden over her behavior. Rachel was attempting to be a friend not an interrogator. "Wait, wait."
She took a sample she was studying and placed the corresponding tube in the centrifuge.
"Wait, I'm not being fair. I told Lieutenants Foster and Green about what I lost from the Pandemic. It opened the wound. No, it didn't just open it, it ripped it apart. For a brief instant, I was back in that moment; when I was told Mark didn't make it. Not everyone knows the whole story. Green, Foster, Tex, you, and Tom know everything."
"It must've been difficult."
"Like I told Tex, it did feel right telling Green and Foster. To see no one else endure what I did is worth taking that painful road. I'm getting better at it. Tom has been so understanding about it. When I told him that night, when we lost power, that took a lot for me. I don't want to burden him with anymore of my dramas. I know he still misses them. You know, I don't even know what it is we have."
"Something," Rachel nodded. "Perhaps labeling it would only degrade it in some way."
"Yeah," Alex admitted she had a point. "Calling it something may not be a great idea."
Chandler stood unnoticed.
For the last 10 minutes he watched the Major and Dr. Scott. He wanted to catch Alex before she slipped into the lab but she had been faster.
"Did it happen again Lex? Did you have another episode?" He whispered to no one. "You're not alone in this." His hand lifted then came to rest upon the semi-rigid plastic, letting it stay for a moment or two.
"Commodore," Tex stopped beside him. The former contractor followed the Captain's line of sight. He saw Alex and Rachel doing what appeared to be some cleaning process. A bottle of sterile water flushed something in a dish before it was applied to heat.
"Commodore," Tex nudged Chandler. "The Major's gonna keel hull me for this but I don't want to see her doing this to herself. I see her as my little sister; the crazy, not afraid to jack a man's car because he looked at another woman kind of crazy. Look, I'm worried about her. "
"What do you mean?" The steel blue remained steady on the shorter figure.
"She had a little talk with some of the crew about what she went through with losing Mark. It triggered a flashback for her. That's why she looked like shit."
"I knew she was having nightmares. She doesn't like to talk about them."
"Maybe she's overcoming that. She said it was difficult to bring that part of her life up yet she has managed to find that spark, that inner strength to bring it up. I know, terrible cliché right?"
"No," Chandler shook his head. "I think it's fitting for her. Somehow when she gets kicked down, she picks herself up off the ground and marches on. Doesn't complain about it."
"Is that one of the reasons?"
"One of the reasons for what?"
"That you feel the way you do about her. She once told me she wasn't sure what it was you two have. I don't know it sounded like she was having doubts or uncertainties. But maybe I'm wrong."
He looked over at the grizzled man then returned his attention to the lab.
"I'm not sure what if any word can define it."
Alex felt something tugging at her; guiding her head up and to the left. There, standing side by side was Tom and Tex. The deep lines were etched around Tom's eyes and brow, dropping her heart in her chest. She knew it was because of her. His hand, the one on the plastic, reached out for the phone that bridged the gap between their worlds.
"Major," he spoke with a slight tremble. "Do you have a minute?"
"Yeah," she was uneasy in her response. "Let me finish up and get the sample dry. Then I'll be out."
Her heart sprinted in her chest. What had Tex told him? Should she even be surprised he said anything? No, directing any anger to Tex was wrong. Still, he had to go and open his mouth. Well, there was no running away.
"You'll be alright," Rachel encouraged.
Three hours later, Alex found herself stepping into Tom's cabin. She pulled the door behind her, latching it shut. The handle bit into her lower back but she shut out the pain. What was she going to say? Could she even form a coherent sentence?
"Tex told me," Tom gently broke the silence. "He said he was worried. He's not the only one."
"I didn't want you to saddle anything more. Sometimes you have to relive the pain so others may live."
Tom was puzzled by her choice of words.
"Lex, look," he got up, and rounded the desk. Alex leaned harder in the door, letting the unforgiving slab support her shaky body.
"It's not worth talking about it."
"It's consuming you."
Her throat began to close around itself, tightening like a fist. Tears were welling in the corners of her eyes. She couldn't do it anymore. "I'm sorry. I've been keeping so much inside of me; not opening up more to you."
Now the tears were sliding freely over her cheeks and jaw, streaking across the reddening skin.
"I just don't want to hurt anymore. I'm tired of fighting the war."
Alex felt her body falling away from the cold support of the door and into the warm comfort of his arms. She had been carrying this burden for too long. It was time. It was time to let those afflictions be expelled.
Tom simply led them both to the bunk, sitting down but never lessening his hold on her. He didn't speak, only keeping her pressed to him. She was allowing herself to heal. Letting him help her by simply being there.
"Thank you," the muffled whimper cracked the side of her mouth.
"Thank you," he whispered in her hair with a grateful smile.
"Can I stay here?" She sniffled and shifted her head to the left.
"You don't have to ask."
"Sorry," she hiccuped.
"Don't apologize." He pulled her tighter to him. "I want you here and I'm staying here."
"I'd love that." She toed the boots off her feet. He followed suit. "But when the Russian show back up, you better wake me up."