Chapter Eighty Six – Concealed Demons

Olivia appreciated Ben's concern for her and how much he was taking care of her, but after a week she was starting to get sick of it. Her headaches were mostly gone, and she was able to move a little bit better. Even then Ben was still trying to baby her. She had to pointedly tell him to knock it off. He'd listened. Well, partially listened. While he let her take care of herself again, she noticed that he was hovering more than usual. She'd hoped once he was confident that she was alright he would ease up on the hovering. It wasn't like she was going to have a seizure big enough to land her in the hospital every second.

At least that was what she kept telling herself. She'd gone over a year without having a seizure serious enough to land her in the hospital. It wasn't likely to happen again any time soon. Of course reminding herself of that didn't help completely. There were no well-defined, completely consistent patterns with her seizures. The unpredictability of them made it completely possible for her next seizure to be a big one. It wasn't a high probability, but the chance was still there. Worse yet, even a small one could send her tumbling down another flight of steps. Since she knew there was still a possibility it could happen again the worry was impossible to get rid of completely. The best she could do was to try and push that concern aside and focus on one day at a time. It worked most of the time, especially once the pain had died down. Dealing with steps was still troublesome though. Her nervousness built exponentially whenever she had to face them, and she'd started slipping Suvi's leash around her wrist when she needed to go up or down. At least that way if she seized on the steps again she couldn't fall that far.

She thought she was handling the whole situation well. It was Ben that was having problems. He was constantly keeping a hand on her, especially by the stairs. She could see the tension zinging through Ben almost all the time now. It was at a far higher level than normal, and he was doing a seriously bad job at hiding it. Olivia didn't question him about it until one afternoon when he went way overboard with his reactions (even more overboard than he'd been acting recently). She stood up from the couch to get a glass of water and noticed Ben get partially out of his seat. He quickly forced himself to sit back down, but his eyes remained on her. Olivia smiled slightly, glad she wouldn't have to yell at him for being over-protective again. Unfortunately she didn't get much further before she wobbled a moment thanks to some of the residual effects of her concussion. Ben shot to his feet in a panic.

"Liv?" He gently caught her arms. "Is it a seizure?"

Olivia turned toward him to try and brush his hands off and noticed how wide his eyes were. They were nearly the size of a cartoon character's eyes when they were bugging out of the creature's face. That wasn't normal. Ben rarely did the nervous thing. Frowning, she turned toward him and cupped his cheeks.

"Ben… what's going on with you?"

"Nothing's going on with me."

"Mmhm," Olivia returned with an amused smile on her face. She vanished into the kitchen to get her water before coming back to stand in front of him. "You're lying to a former detective. That's not going to end well for you."

"I'm not…"

"Ben. You're jumpy, anxious, wide-eyed. Don't tell me that nothing's going on when there obvious is something up with you."

Ben sighed and reached out to stroke her hair. Seeing the conflict in his eyes, Olivia simply let him take some time. It worked.

"Sorry, Liv. I'm just worried about you."

"Because of the big seizure."

It wasn't truly a question, more of a statement. She knew that had to be what was keeping him so on edge.

"Mostly, yeah."

"Mostly?" Olivia asked, eyes shining in humor.

"All of your seizures really."

Olivia's mouth dropped open in shock and horror. She'd thought the "mostly" answer was just a rather lame attempt at denial, but apparently not. This was the first time she'd heard any indication that her seizures bothered him to this extent. She'd known, of course, that they had to be unsettling for him to witness, but it sounded like this ran deeper than merely unsettling. After setting her water on the counter she led Ben toward the couch and pulled him down to sit next to her.

"How long has this been going on?"

Ben rubbed at the back of his neck uneasily. He was rubbing so vigorously that his hair was ruffled upward. Olivia smiled softly and reached out to smooth it back down. Even after his hair was flat again she kept rubbing his neck to try and ease the tension she felt there. He was hurting from her condition far more than she was.

"Ben? How long?" she pressed when he stayed silent.

"Basically since I saw the first one."

"Oh, Ben."

She wrapped her arms around him. He'd been hurting for so long, and she'd had no idea. It was a horrible realization. There was no way he could continue living with this level of fear and anxiety. It wasn't good for him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she cried as she held him tight.

Ben gripped her tightly in return and buried his face in her hair. When he pulled his head away it was only enough for him to speak without her hair muffling his words.

"I didn't want to add more to your plate or let you use it as some dumb reason to break up."

Olivia actually chuckled and pulled back so she could kiss his cheek.

"An excuse to break up, huh?"

"Considering who I'm talking to, I think it was a legitimate concern."

"Was?"

A brief smile flickered across Ben's face.

"We've come a long way."

"In a lot of things, yes, but not with this. You're still hurting."

"I don't know how you handle it. I'm terrified you'll have another seizure that will leave you hurt, and you don't seem afraid at all."

"I let fear run my life for a long time after my diagnosis," she told him warmly. "I can't let it do that anymore."

Ben grabbed her elbow and lifted her arm so the brace that was still on her wrist was in prominent view. She looked at him in confusion and saw only frantic desperation in his eyes.

"How can you say that when you still have this on your wrist? What if it's worse next time?"

He sounded so much like she had in her first few months dealing with her seizures. She'd had a lot of people to help her cope with the seizures, but he hadn't. All of his fears had been building up inside of him without any outlet. He hadn't been able to use her for support. That was going to stop now. He couldn't hide his need for help in dealing with her seizures anymore; she was going to make sure of that.

"I can't say that I won't be, but I do everything I can to make sure I don't get hurt. That doesn't mean I'm going to lock myself in a plastic bubble."

"I know, Liv. I know, but… seeing you like that…"

He shook his head and couldn't go on. Olivia rubbed his arms to try and soothe him though her face was creased with pain. She was beginning to understand why he hadn't told her about any of this earlier. It hurt to know that her condition was hurting him. If she hadn't felt like she could no longer live without him she would have considered leaving him simply to stop his pain. Now that wasn't an option, but she would find another way to ease his hurt.

"You should have told me. There are support groups for caregivers and families dealing with seizures. We could have gone together."

"I don't need a support group."

Olivia tilted her head and lifted an eyebrow in a clear sign of disbelief and mild confrontation. Ben couldn't even meet her eyes. He knew full well that she realized he was lying or at least under-exaggerating.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"You don't have to be sorry. You just have to let me help you. If you keep this all inside, Ben, it's going to destroy you. I don't want that to happen."

She couldn't let that happen. He was too much a part of her now.

His head bobbed, but he didn't say anything. Olivia didn't like his silence but kept pushing anyway. He needed her to do that even if he didn't think he did.

"If I find somewhere for us to go, will you come?"

"I don't know, Liv. The thought of going to a support group…"

He didn't like the idea. At all.

"It might be hard," Olivia agreed, "but don't you think it would be easier than doing what you are now?"

"I'll figure something out."

"This is something. Something that I know will help."

Or make me feel like an idiot, Ben couldn't help thinking. That sounded like the more realistic outcome to him. His expression apparently gave that away because Olivia leaned forward and kissed him lightly.

"Dealing with seizures is hard, Ben. For anyone. Please come with me? I don't want to watch my condition destroy you. Please. Do it for me."

"For you? I would do just about anything for you. So I'll go, but there is one condition."

"Oh?"

"You pick a group location where we can avoid steps completely. Every time I see them I have to try to get the picture of you falling down them out of my head."

Tears sprang to Olivia's eyes at that admission, but she managed to hold them back. She didn't need to make Ben's struggle worse by showing him how hard hearing he was struggling to cope was for her or how painful it was to know that image was trapped in his head. After wrapping her arms around him she rested her cheek on his shoulder.

"Okay," she whispered.

A small tear trickled from her eye, but she didn't bother brushing it away. Her face was turned from his so he would never know it was there. He had enough going on already.