Entry no. 37: Never Again
Look, I updated! Rejoice! xD Thanks to everyone who reads my stories, this is for you, and especially thanks and especial dedications for the two lovelies who reviewed, whitewind04578 and LilyVampire.
Whitewind04578, I'm sorry for always torturing you with such sad stuff. You wouldn't believe how much I would love to write something funny for you guys for a change.
Red AU, which, as I recently noticed, completely ignores Sai's existence, which is sad, because I sort of like that guy.
It was dusk already when she finally got to the graveyard, because even though everyone who mattered was already dead, there were still people who tried to support her, to help her live again.
But what's the point in living if you are living alone? And Sakura was alone.
There was no Team Seven, no Haruno family, no Ino-pig and no gallant Lee-san to protect her as the lady of his heart.
Sakura tucked a stray lock of her pink hair behind her ear. She let it grow way longer than she's ever have before now, since she couldn't be bothered to cut it regularly anymore, and it reached all the way down to her hips in gracious waves, as if to compliment the beauty of her blood-red kimono.
It was time to honor all she didn't have any more.
First her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Haruno, who were brutally killed during an enemy invasion into Konoha that its protectors didn't stop in time to save some of the civilians.
Sakura knelt in front of their shared grave, leaning her pretty pale head to one side as she gazed at the names engraved into stone.
Kizashi and Mebuki. Daddy and Mommy.
She put a red flower in front of the stone, a beautiful carnation, crimson as the drapes in their living room were the day she ran into their house to tell her parents to take cover, only to find them lying lifeless on the carpet in a pool of drying blood.
They were the first she had lost, her parents. They were gone, and she was never going to roll her eyes at her father's jokes anymore, never going to argue with her mom again, never going to feel the comfort of a parent's embrace again.
"I'm doingwell, mother, father. I fold my clothes and clean up my room. I will join you soon."
With a mumble of those words, she stood up again, cradling a bouquet of crimson carnations in her arms a little more carefully as she walked up to the second grave and knelt in front of it as well.
Rock Lee, a chuunin of Konoha, the gentlest man she knew who wielded physical skill unrivalled by many, killed by four enemy ninja during a battle because she didn't arrive soon enough with the backup team.
She remembered how she cried atop his body as she did atop Sasuke's so long ago, remembered the serene expression in his face when he lay atop a table in the morgue, covered up to his chin in an antiseptic blanket.
He wasn't going to save her life ever again, he won't be having any silly speeches anymore, there will be no Lee-san to rely on when she needed support, no Lee-san who was always there for her even though he knew she didn't reciprocate his feelings.
One pale hand, marred with countless scars, rough and callous, though still strangely feminine and fragile-looking, took one of the carnations from the bouquet, laying it neatly in front of a wilted wreath someone put there before. It was red, just like the fabric of his hitai-ate that was displayed proudly atop his coffin when they lowered it into the ground.
"I cooked curry for you yesterday, I was so sad you weren't there to taste it. Maybe some other time."
She pressed her red-painted lips against the cold stone before leaving his grave to kneel in front of the memorial stone.
There lay the names of the village's heroes, of people who died in service for the village, so other people could live in peace, but mainly there were names of the shinobi whose bodies were too dangerous for Konoha to keep anywhere, much less at a public place like the graveyard was.
This was the place of her suffering, the place where she was at arm's length away from the people she loved, but still completely and utterly alone.
They all left her here, to mourn and weep for them, and even though she knew it was selfish of her to want it, she wished she will join them soon.
There were tears flowing down her face, but she didn't feel them anymore, numb from all the pain she felt every day now, from all the tears she had shed already.
She put down the first carnation, for Yamanaka Ino, her best friend and her rival, who succumbed to a poison the enemy tainted her with during one of her missions.
She was the only person who truly understood her, and there was no way they will ever talk again now. They finally reconciled just before her death, admitted that they were always best friends first, rivals second. And now she won't hear Ino laugh again, Ino won't chide her for wearing the same kimono day by day, she won't fight with her, give her advice, hug her when she cries.
Never again.
"I am looking after the flower shop, as you asked me to. Just few days before, I got an order for flowers for Shikamaru's wedding. You would pre proud of him. His wife is beautiful."
Mumbling her message, she carefully picked another flower to put down for Sasuke. His name wasn't here and his body's ashes were scattered miles from here, but for her Sasuke will always stay here, his memory in this memorial stone, because there was no way he and Naruto could be separated, even in death.
She found the blank spot right next to Naruto's name and pressed a kiss against it, a kiss meant for the love of her life who found doom at the hands of the man he intended to bring doom to.
The carnation in her hands reminded her of how her blood-stained hands on the night he died, and she put the flower down quickly with a shudder. On that night, she swore never to fall in love again, which was a promise she broke. Maybe there wasn't enough truth and honor in Sasuke's blood for her to swear upon, who knows.
What she knew was that there was no need to chase after Sasuke anymore, since now he was forever there, with her and Naruto, with his team, through this memorial stone.
"I hope you and Naruto reconciled finally," she whispered, caressing Naruto's name and the blank spot where for her Sasuke's name was engraved. "Look at me now, Sasuke-kun. I am drowning in darkness as you did… no, no, I am drowning in red. Are you proud of me?"
The wind blew harshly as if to answer her, slapping her hair against her face.
Of course Sasuke-kun wasn't proud of her. He will never be, even after he died. He will never be happy, never acknowledge her.
There was no hope for her; why was she still alive?
Tears dripped down onto the smooth fabric of her kimono, and a long time passed before another carnation was laid down.
A blood red carnation for Uzumaki Naruto, who gave his life protecting his team from an ambush.
"Baka Naruto," she said softly, eyes pinned to the seven characters that now embodied the man who was her teammate, her hope and sometimes the only thing that kept her standing back when he was alive. "You just had to follow Sasuke-kun anywhere he went, right?" A half sob half chuckle escaped the red-painted lips. "I bought so much ramen I couldn't eat it all when I went shopping yesterday, so I put the rest into the cupboards in your old room… maybe sometimes you will come back and enjoy it."
If he was alive, he would grin so brightly that it would outshine all the red around her, but he was not, so the red stayed here, grim and stifling, reminding her that she will never see that grin again, never feel his arm around her shoulders, never find comfort in the confidence that showed itself in those cerulean eyes again.
Her chest hurt and she wondered if she couldn't just stop breathing, to ease the pain, to get closer to them, but there was that one last name to honor.
Hatake Kakashi, the Copy-nin of Konoha and Sakura's sensei, who was sent on a suicidal mission during the war with her, and gave his life as was his duty to the village, ensuring she will not have to do it as well as was his duty to himself.
Her sensei who confessed his love to her just before the mission, the sensei who held her in his arms through all of the funerals, the sensei who always had a smile and teasing words for her even though he hurt inside all the time as much as she was now.
He was so much braver, so much stronger than her; he lost everything and still lived, still fought, ready to give his life for the others.
She wanted to tell him so many things, but she couldn't find the words to tell the most important of them. How do you tell someone you love them too, that you wish you died with them, that you wish none of you died, that you wish the world was different and you could be happy, that you wish you could have held them in your arms when they cried as they held you?
"I still love you back, Kakashi-sensei," she said instead of all those big words, kissing his name as she laid down the last red carnation.
Then she sat back on her heels and talked to him, told him about everything that happened during th day, how she felt about it, how she wished he was there with her, how the tattered remains of her heart ached dully when she congratulated Shikamaru, how beautiful the sky was right now and how much of a pity it was that he couldn't see it.
Then she kissed them all goodbye and went home, drowning in red and all alone.
EXTRA SCENE (DON'T HAVE TO READ):
When the red-clad girl left, a man with only one eye and a gap in his heart as consuming as the girls walked up to the stone and touched it, remembering the man that held the other half of him, the man who crushed more lives than he saved when he died.
I started shipping Kakashi with Obito quite hard, thus the extra. The half-man was Obito, okay? He mourns for Kashi as much as Sakura does, because she loved him and Kakashi was the only one who carried the memory of who Obito used to be with him.
Also, don't read too much into the carnations thing, please. It's just a whim, Sakura is half-mad now, she probably just thought, "look, pretty red flowers" and took them.
Peace, love and endless sea of blood,
Yami no Moya-hime