Summary: She grows up trying to love someone else.
First, she likes a girl, then she likes a boy, a boy, a boy, loves one, (she thinks she's loved the girl from the day they met though), gives everything to one, punches one in the face, loves another one, then she marries lucky number five. She wishes the girl would say something as they say their "I do"'s.
i. you're shorter than her when she saves your life
Riley Matthews must be honest, she doesn't really remember meeting Maya Hart. To her, it's as simple as Maya always being there. She knows what happened, of course, she just doesn't remember anything but the way her heart broke when Maya smiled.
(Maybe she just suppresses the memory because it's easier than knowing she was unwanted by Maya for a long time.)
She tries desperately to squint into her brain but all she ever remembers is not being able to breathe, hearing what she'd thought was an angel, and that sad, sad smile.
It still makes her heart skip a beat.
(And truthfully, she's always known she was different like that.)
ii. tommy hannigan talks funny but his eyes remind you of hers
She really does like Tommy Hannigan. She's not one of those cliches Maya hates that pretends to like boys when she really craves the touch of her best friend. It takes her awhile because her parents have taught her that love does not just click into place one day.
Maya has always protected her from bullies and the evil that takes advantage of star eyed little girls who believe in unicorns and all the angels that sing.
But Riley cannot protect Maya from all the coughing and snot and so her best friend gets sick one day and there is no one to protect her from the evils of the first grade. A boy who her mommy tells her probably just has a crush on her and is embarrassed is picking on her again.
(She feels ugly when he insults her braided hair but pretty when Maya tells her she likes it.)
And then Tommy Hannigan is on top of him, in a pile of limbs and hitting and screams that he needs to leave Riley alone. It's not the first time she feels like a damsel in distress but it's the first time she feels like she has a prince to rescue her and not a princess.
She knows damsels in distress are supposed to end up with princes who scale high towers and slay dragons and climb up the damsel's hair.
(Much later she doesn't particularly like that notion because princesses can kick ass too and maybe she doesn't want a prince.)
Tommy Hannigan has a black eye and a time out afterwards but she writes him a thank you note she never has the courage to give him.
His eyes shine the same way Maya's do and his hair is the same shade of blonde and he protects her like she does but he lacks the teasing smirk that looks a lot like home.
It's when she gets the bracelet with a picture of her and Maya that she finally talks to him and thanks him with a kiss on his cheek that makes both their faces burn. He compliments the bracelet and she stutters through rambles about nothing that she rambles to Maya about.
She doesn't think Maya likes Tommy Hannigan too much though (it's the pencils) so she eventually shuts up about him.
iii. oliver mcminamin teases you like she would
Maya tells her it's a miracle she can stand properly (weaklegstogowithdoeeyes, she thinks she hears Maya whisper once) so she's not surprised—just veryveryvery embarrassed—when she literally runs into Oliver McMinamin.
Then he says all the right—Maya—things to say and she's blushing even harder.
He's absolutely perfect because he's funny and quick witted and he smirks like Maya does. But she realizes why she likes him and she says nothing to Maya about it.
She says nothing for the longest time (really, it's only a week but hiding things from Maya feels like eternity) and it's not until the blonde forces her to with that smirk that looks like home that it all comes spilling out.
If she was more observant she would realize that Maya hates Oliver McMinamin like she hated Tommy Hannigan.
She's much too shy to talk to Oliver McMinamin and Maya hates that more. Even starry eyed Riley Matthews knows that.
The day Maya forces her to talk to Oliver McMinamin is one of the best days in her life, even when she stutters through too much rambling. She rambles on about it to Maya, picturing his smirk (but it's her smirk, even with brown hair and gray eyes).
Later, she concludes that Oliver McMinamin doesn't like her like she likes him (the funny, quick witted side of Maya, she realizes, like how Tommy Hannigan was the gruff, protective side of her—she thinks something inbetween would be just right because that's Maya) no matter how many times Maya insists his face was redder than Danielle Strunk's hair.
She still isn't over Oliver McMinamin and his teasing smirk though.
It's him admitting he wants a prince and not a princess that does it.
(Maybe it also makes her feel okay about maybepossiblyperhaps wanting a princess.)
iv. ash saito has strong arms you think would feel like hers
Her daddy is a teacher at their new school but she still doesn't call him Mr. Matthews because that's too weird. Maya's daddy is longlonggone and she's never felt guiltier for having her father so close.
Even though she's holding Maya, all she can think of is the warmth of home and the shampoo that smells like everything knows.
(She's never done the saving before now but she thinks she really likes it. She thinks she'll like fixing people more.)
But she likes Ash Saito now so she later wonders if his arms feel this warm.
She hugs him once, during PE after he scores a goal (she doesn't know the exact term for it because she's never liked football). His arms feel nothing like Maya's but his smile looks like a much happier version of the one from all those yearsandyears ago when she almost drowned.
It's enough so she clings to her crush on him.
(Deep down, she knows he is no prince and she doesn't think she's anyone's princess.)
Later, Maya promises to be her diary like she isn't already. Riley doesn't know if she should laugh or cry. Instead, she mentally promises to be Maya's diary too.
(She's never thought of herself as the knight in her fairy tales.
Maybe princesses can save people too, she still isn't quite sure.)
They stay up all night and talk about "Ass Saito" as Maya calls him. At the crack of dawn, Maya cries over her father. She clings to her best friend for an entire hour and Riley cries too.
The tears are as gone as the sad, sad smile from ages ago the next day and Riley wonders what promise her best friend has made herself this time. She hates that the blonde girl has so many tears she refuses to cry.
Riley starts to hate her starry eyes because Maya's are still so broken. She knows she would steal all the stars and the moons if it meant Maya would never ever ever hurt again.
She also knows she can't.
Being the knight is hard work and she knows how long Maya has done it so she lets Maya be the damsel instead (but she still cries too much when she loses the bracelet—she thinks that's when she stops liking Ash Saito so much).
Ash Saito isn't a prince so she doesn't need to be a princess now.
v. lucas friar is all the inbetweens of tommy hannigan and oliver mcminamin that she is
He's the first boy she ever loves. It's not love right from the start but when he truly unfolds himself and divulges his secrets to her, Riley Matthews falls in love with Lucas Friar.
She knows he will not be the last boy even though it feels like it sometimes.
(It's entirely because he is the shades of gray between Tommy Hannigan and Oliver McMinamin that become Maya Hart.)
She sees the warmth in his eyes that she's searched for alongside the brokenness in Maya's. She sees the banter he shares with her best friend (who she knows hates him but she can't linger on it too much). She sees the protective anger against bullies that Maya has always carried with her. He doesn't have the teasing smirk or the same shade of hair or the same warmth in his arms but he's charming and funny and a gentleman and he makes her feel sososo much.
It's not the first time she's been in love (she's still in love, yes, she knows that) but it's the only time she's gotten to talk about it and the first time she's found Prince Charming.
Of course, she knows about the night that they get too drunk at that party (she can remember dancing wildly with Maya in ways best friends aren't supposed to and getting lost in the crowd of people) and they wound up fucking. She doesn't know if they remember it but she does. She'd walked a still drunk and bleeding Maya out of the room and given her her jacket and nurtured the alcohol out of her system and cleaned her up (they showered together like they had when they were younger but Riley will never speak of it) and then taken her to see a musical. It often occurs to her that maybe she should've walked Lucas Friar out instead because isn't she supposed to love her boyfriend with all of her heart?
She doesn't break up with him for it (they're only ninth graders and they've just barely started dating and she loves him too much to not forgive what he doesn't even know he did) but it is the first time her heart is trulytrulytruly broken.
They both broke it.
(But she never ever blames Maya because Maya would never hurt her like that.
Besides, she's had enough painful reminders that Maya likes Uncle Josh to know.)
The worst is when Maya's period is late and she doesn't even know she should be scared. Riley can't make her take a pregnancy test or anything (she wishes she'd worked up the guts to buy the morning after pill for Maya) so instead she has to wait.
Her period gets there a month late and Riley cries her still starry eyes out.
She never stops carrying the burden of their secret alone.
Instead she breaks up with him in tenth grade with sweet, sugary kisses and her hand finds the warmth of Maya's.
vi. edgard hantus is almost nothing like her but you need to get over it
She starts dating Edgard Hantus just because he's cute and funny.
There's no real reason to it. Just a simple, mindless infatuation. He shows her pretty things like constellations and flowers and speaks Shakespeare and little things like that but she doesn't think that's why she likes him. She just thinks that's nice.
(She gives him her virginity anyways because Maya comes out with her girlfriend, Olive Fitzpatrick, and she just wants to feel.)
It's afterwards that she grows attached to him and afterwards that he breaks her heart even more than Maya has.
Maya who promised to never hurt her. Maya who swore to tell her these things. Maya who broke her. Maya who is broken. Maya who she danced with. Maya who she wants so badly to kiss again (it happened once during truth or dare in middle school and a few times when they were little because she was so in love with fairy tales).
She's perfectly fine though.
Really, she is.
She just wishes Gammy would stop giving her those pitying looks like she knows how Riley feels. They kill her a little bit more each time.
(There's the same hallowness as when she watches Maya smiling at Disneyland and all she can think of is the sad smile from all those years ago.)
The next time she kisses Edgard Hantus it makes her sad because he tastes like a lipstick she's never worn. Riley Matthews is a lot of things but she's not stupid. He should've figured that out when he met her when she was a freshman and he was a sophomore.
(She recalls how they met at a Sadie Hawkins dance that she'd asked Maya to and not Lucas Friar, he had seemed like the dragon in her fairy tale then.)
She cries to Maya about him cheating and suddenly Maya is the one saving her again. She hasn't been the damsel in distress in awhile and it feels nice.
Maya makes Edgard Hantus bleed and cry like her heart is and everything is okayokayokay. But when Lucas Friar hurts Edgard Hantus, it feels differently.
Maybe it's the lack of comforting promises.
vii. alec crawford is the same kind of adventurous as her and you're addicted again
The only thing really special about Alec Crawford is that his lips taste like the chapstick Maya likes, and maybe that his eyes sparkle like hers do.
Other than that, he's just a pretty boy with sweet words to tell her and soft hands to hold. She's fond of holding his hand as they run amuck around New York and every amusement park they can find. It feels like running around with Maya but he's much too tall and his shoulders are much too broad.
The high that is Alec Crawford is gone with the wind the day Gammy is diagnosed though. It's probably what Gammy tells her that really breaks her heart if she's honest. (She's being too selfish again, of course.)
"Maya feels the same way about you." She'd heard it in Oliver McMinamin's eyes but it burns to hear from Gammy.
If she was a lot braver, if she was a lot more like Maya, she would've at least tried to kiss her.
Instead she does nothing but cry to Alec Crawford a little bit and kiss his lips because they taste familiar. Too bad hugging him doesn't feel the same way holding Maya had. If she had just found a boy who felt that way, it would have saved her all the heartache of her sexuality which she's still not sure about.
The funeral is hell on earth as she clings to her dearest friends and Maya is pressed right against her, with one hand in Farkle's and the other in Lucas Friar's. She catches glimpses of Auggie sobbing into a torn up Ava and her parents and Shawn clutching each other like it'll make a difference and Mrs. Hart crying into herself. It's the worst sight carved into her eyes and it chases her into the car.
She tries to think of Lucas Friar and Maya Hart and she thinks it's okay.
Then those stupid fucking words come back into her head and she remembers the blood down Maya's leg and she wants to die. It's too selfish to think.
At home, she reads fairy tales in a choking voice to Auggie and Ava even though they're not little kids anymore. They listen anyways.
And then she gets the best news in her entire life.
They found the bracelet. They found the bracelet. She kisses their cheeks and buries her face in Maya's neck and Lucas Friar's chest and when Farkle comes she buries her hand in his and they call Mrs. Hart and Auggie and Ava understand but barely as they dance about the room.
Alec Crawford cheats and Maya beats him up again because he's the dragon and she's the knight. Riley doesn't cry because his eyes still look like Maya's. He gets a second chance even though she knows she shouldn't.
The damsel dates the dragon.
(She regrets it like Maya warns.)
viii. farkle minkus shows you the gentleman nature of lucas friar
It's strange and foreign even though he's always pursued her. Even though she went to prom with him. Even though she's known him for so so long. He has not a trace of Maya Hart but he's as gentleman-like as Lucas Friar and he takes her to nice places and he's really grown up a lot.
She dates Farkle Minkus.
He's the second boy she falls in love with even though her heart still belongs to a girl.
It's nice and happy and fresh and feels like a dream come true to her even though she has never dreamt of this. At the very least she isn't settling with him, he is the exact thing that she had promised to never settle for less than.
He's the only boy who never cheats (even accidentally and without knowing) on and she thinks that's sweet. She knows she shouldn't think that. Either way, he's a good prince. A very nice prince too.
She's still not observant enough to see the pain in Maya Hart or Lucas Friar's eyes when she swoons to them about it.
They date for months and months before she sees. She only lets herself see the pain in Lucas Friar's eyes because Gammy couldn't have been right.
Even if Maya had cried with her head nuzzled in Riley's neck after dumping Olive Fitzpatrick.
She starts texting Lucas Friar more and more. She apologizes to Farkle Minkus with intentions of breaking up with him when she realizes she's flirting. Instead Farkle Minkus breaks up with her and tells her he understands with a sugary sweet kiss on her cheek and no hard feelings whatsoever.
He was a good prince but Lucas Friar is Prince Charming.
It occurs briefly that Maya Hart is Princess Sarcasm but she has to shake the thought before it gives her starry eyes false hope.
viv. you say i do to him and she says nothing
It burns her up inside when she's got butterflies and she's saying cheesy vows to him and Maya Hart just stands there, looking up at the sky. Riley is blind to the tears her best friend is fighting back as she always has been.
She's genuinely happy to be marrying Lucas Friar. She's wanted to be Mrs. Lucas Friar since she was in the seventh grade.
But her heart aches and she almost wishes Maya Hart would just say something.
"Speak now."
Starry eyes look towards broken eyes. They don't look back.
"Or forever."
Lucas Friar squeezes her hand and she looks back to him with a smile. It feels like the smile from when they were little.
"Hold your."
Pleasesaysomethingpleasesaysomethingpleasesaysomething. She counts to four. One. Maya Hart looks at her. Two. Maya Hart smiles at her. Three. Those eyes are sad.
"Peace."
Four.
. . .
Silence.
Maya Hart has no objections.
Farkle Minkus has no objections (he smiles so genuinely). Oliver McMinamin has no objections (even if he shifts like he wants to speak). Katy Hart has no objections (despite the sadness in her eyes). Auggie Matthews has no objections (he's threatened Mr. Friar enough already). Ava Morgenstern has no objections (though she eyes Maya Hart like she wants her to speak).
Daddy has no objections (his eyes look empty and like he's lost). Mom has no objections (she sighs and looks down before smiling). Shawn Hunter has no objections (just disappointment and memories). Uncle Josh has no objections (just smiles of pride and a slight grimace of overprotection).
Grandpa has no objections (but he looks at Lucas Friar funny). Grandma has no objections (she's too busy crying over her granddaughter). Aunt Morgan has no objections (she's smiling wider than ever). Uncle Eric has no objections (his eyes have understanding and his smile has acceptance).
In that moment, the whole world holds their peace. And Maya Hart doesn't breathe but Riley Matthews never knows that.
They say their "I do"'s and she looks at Maya Hart before she kisses him.
He never sees her eyes leave him.
It kills her but through her smile (because she really is happy to marry him, just torn at what she wants) she swears to God she feels Maya's little smirk against her lips.
(It's probably just left over from when they fucked.)
She pulls away with tender eyes and it's still Lucas Friar.
But now she's Riley Friar.
It occurs to her that she'd let herself say "fifth crush" in front of Maya Hart. She's terrified as she dances with her best friend but it feels like home.
Dancing with Lucas Friar feels like safety but she's not sure she wants safety.
And "Riley Friar" doesn't sound as good as she'd thought it would. (She thinks she likes Riley Hart or Maya Matthews a lot though.)
Maybe she should've come out a long, long time ago. Maybe it would've been okay. But she's already married and divorce is a messy business her parents would never approve of.
She's almost lost in her thoughts and the songs and dancing with Daddy and Mom and Uncle Josh and her husband and Farkle Minkus and Auggie and Ava and everyone. Then she sees Maya Hart kissing Uncle Josh and she wants to cry. She really does when Maya Hart starts counting.
Riley Friar hears her best friend puke and she sobs into her knees.
"See, Gammy? You were wrong."
reviews are love. give riley some.
A/N: If you want another chapter from another perspective, do tell.