Authors' Foreword
Drakken and Shego's wedding day is here! Will Eddie have the cajones to speak up and possibly have them torn off by a raging bride, or will he have to forever hold his peace? Let's find out this time, on Seriously Just a Bromance!
ELELELELEL
Eddie walked into the small, run-down church with trepidation. His footsteps were soft and quiet in the hopes that the woman that ran the Sunday school wouldn't hear him. It didn't matter that she'd kicked the bucket years ago. She was vindictive enough to hang around as a ghost or something to smack old students with her ruler whenever she had the chance, and he imagined that his mode of dress — his usual stuff with a tie thrown on top — would have instantly caught her attention, not to mention his clear hangover problem.
Of course, that was only most of why he was nervous.
The other part was his half-baked idea to try and whisk Drew off to be his biker babe.
The desire behind it was sound. The more Eddie thought about it, the more certain he was. It was the whole problem of actually making it happen that was eluding him.
When it came to the bottom line, Eddie just didn't have the firepower to take on Green and her family. Ideally, he would've brought his fighting bike with to try and combat them all. He would've had a good chance with his gear. The thought just never occurred to him until that moment, likely because of his gnarly headache.
Ah well. He could probably wing it and just snatch Drew out from under them all. Lipsky's were good at that.
Speaking of Lipsky's… Eddie wondered in frustration,There's Mama L, where the hell's Ma? I thought she was coming with Drew's mom?
"I see at least you managed to arrive on time, Eddie," Mama L said with a strained smile, all but sweeping into the church behind him, "Your mother wasn't at the airport, so I hope she managed to find someone to bring her here." Eddie shrugged, and was suddenly glad he'd totally chosen his newest, deepest blue colored blue jeans, his long sleeved t-shirt and his absolutely best leathers, since Mama L had come dressed in her Sunday best. Eddie actually found it pretty funny since it was Sunday and all. Shego had somehow convinced the church people to let her have this day all for her wedding.
"Heya auntie! You ready for a rockin' wedding?" Eddie played his air guitar and gave a hearty "Yeah-ah-ah-ah-ah!" He even managed to hide the wince when his actions made it feel like a spike had been driven into his skull.
"Now now, Eddie." Mama L chided, though she did have a smile on her face, "There's a time and place for that sort of thing, and now is not the time."
"Awwww, c'mon Mama L!" Eddie groused teasingly, though he did let his smile shine in a way that told her he was listening, something he'd learned with the woman years earlier, "This is, like, supposed to be all celebrate-y and stuff." In his head, he added, Though I may crash things a bit…
"There's celebrating, and then there's what you do." Eddie tilted his head in confusion. "I know you like to 'make a scene'," Mama Lipsky said, quoting with her fingers. "That's why I'm here with you instead of helping Drewbie and his lady friend get things ready. I'll be sticking to you like glue. If you try anything, you will live to regret it…" Her glare was so sharp that Eddie was pretty sure that he got a papercut on his cheek from where she'd been staring. "Do you understand, Edward Terrance Lipsky?"
He automatically nodded in response, unable to deny his aunt when she had her Authoritative Motherly Tone going. It was practically hardwired into him to seriously follow whatever his relatives said when they got that tone.
Eddie and Mama L walked up the stairs from the entryway into the church's main room. For some reason, it was empty of everyone save for the preacher guy. Voices echoed down from the balcony area. Mama L and Eddie followed them to where Green Babe, Drew, and Green Babe's family seemed to be arguing.
"I just don't understand why you would break tradition like this," the big blue guy that wasn't Drew said, peeved, standing at the top of the stairs and leaning against the wall and handrail. He was in a basic tuxedo with blue highlights, though it seemed to be a bad fit for the large man. "You know that the groom and bride are not supposed to see each other on their wedding day!"
"Yeah, I know that's a tradition. I'm not dumb, Hego." Green Babe huffed and waved her hand. "I just don't care."
"Well, I do! And…" he rubbed the bridge of his nose "And I heard that you and your…" Hego looked at Drew "Your… Significant other… Stayed in the same hotel room together! The temptation…"
Green practically had a belly laugh at his horror. Smirking, she proclaimed, "Oh, you don't have to worry about consummation, Heeg, that's taken care of. But don't think I won't be doin' just that later..."
"You DEFLOWERED my sister?!" The handrail he had been holding to keep balance at the top of the stairs creaked under his now-glowing knuckles. From where Eddie was standing, it was totally obvious that the metal was bending under his fingers. Even with all that force being applied the Hego dude didn't seem to notice. All he seemed to care about was the weird notion he had that Drew was the first one to get down and dirty with Green Babe. "How dare you spoil what little innocence she had left, you vagabond of ill repute! I will-.."
"Hego..." Green Babe said in a tone that sent chills down Eddie's spine, "Don't. Even. THINK. About. It." The green woman stepped between her incensed sibling and her worried beau. "This is my wedding. We are doing things my way, so cut out the glow and go sit down. Unless you want me to pull out mine?" As an apparent demonstration, she lit her hand up and melted a section of the handrail. "Understand?"
Reluctantly, the big blue guy with the glowing blue magic nodded and begrudgingly made his way down the steps. Following close behind was the purple guy, who complained about how Hego never did that with any of his girlfriends, and the red twins, who were obliviously debating over how long Shego and Drakken's marriage would last. Those three were also wearing color-matched tuxedos that didn't quite fit right, likely off-the-shelf buys.
Green Babe cut loose an evil smirk as she apparently decided to put some whipped cream on her ice cream sundae of victory.
"Oh, and Hego?" He turned back to look up at her, confused. "If you think that Doc took my virginity, think again. Only one cherry was popped that night, and it certainly wasn't mine!"
Even as Drew turned purple across every available surface of skin — an effect that Eddie actually thought was pretty cute — Hego's anger was made clear when he again took the handrail in his grip and squished it into a misshapen chunk.
All Green did in response was raise an eyebrow and ask, "You done with your hissy fit? 'cause I'm not paying for these damages."
Hego looked at his and Green's handiwork and sighed. "There goes my yearly bonus."
"Serves you right," Drew mumbled, some of the purple having left his face as he and Green Babe turned back up the stairs to do whatever was left to do for setting up. Belatedly, Eddie realized that he hadn't even noticed what Drew or Green was wearing, having been focused on the fight.
On top of that, Eddie was again reevaluating his idea of kidnapping Drew with on-the-fly planning. He could probably take on one of the superpowered dudes at a time without his gear. But all five? The little demonstration that they just gave along with Mama L's clear warning… That was enough to convince Eddie that making a move during the wedding was a seriously bad idea. There was snatchn' 'n' grabbing a seriously awesome partner, and then there was living.
Even with his distraction, Eddie still heard Mama L comment as the two of them wandered back down the stairs after Green's family, "It doesn't matter if Drewbie sleeps with forty women as long as he settles down with one and gives me grandbabies…"
ELELELELEL
The wedding. The stupid floofy green-and-blue themed party thing was just a pile of annoyance for Eddie. It felt wrong for him to be here, to have to witness… It. The massive headache only made the knot that had formed in his stomach worse, and Eddie was starting to worry that he might seriously chuck in the aisle or something. The amazingly bright lights really, really didn't help things at all.
When Drew walked in to wait at the front of the room near the altar, though, most of the tension in his stomach fled as he took in the totally awesome suit and stuff that his little cousin was in.
The suit was a pinstriped navy blue set, the blazer and pants matching up perfectly. A long red tie was tucked into a pressed white button-up shirt. It was a little weird since most wedding tuxes were black or whatever, but Drew looked amazing in the ensemble. He must have gone to a spa or something in the morning 'cause he looked immaculately groomed all the way down to his mini-mullet. Even his shoes made him look awesome, what with them shining like mad. His cousin looked seriously put together, and Eddie honestly felt underdressed because of it.
I should be up there! he mentally huffed before catching himself. Eddie shook his head and sighed. That was seriously way too serious to be thinking of it.
When the music started up, it blared with such noise that the edges of everything he could see were blurring from the soundwaves. Eddie's head felt like it was gonna split right down the middle with the music acting like a wedge to the throbbing's axe. It was almost excruciating, it was so loud.
Through the pain, Eddie noticed that Green Babe had started to walk in. Her dress was seriously sweet, and the small pleasures that he got from the female form popped up and whistled.
It was more of an evening gown dress, lacking the train and the white. Instead, it was a dark green dress with a slit down the side and thin, nearly spaghetti straps helping to hold the dress on. She wore what looked like her work gloves, nails and all, along with a totally brilliant tiara that was clearly made with emeralds and some smaller kinds of semi-precious stones of a lighter green hue. Four inch black stilettos and a loose black belt helped to round out her clothing choice.
Eddie very much appreciated her attire, but the disappointed sigh from the other side of the aisle made the Hego guy's opinion pretty clear. Even Eddie found that sorta thing distasteful; it was supposed to be a happy wedding thing. The blue guy could've at least faked it like the motorman was!
Green Babe practically teleported across the room to join Drew at the altar. As they turned toward the preacher priest guy, Eddie looked away and winced as the notes from the organ died down. The throbbing in his head was ten times worse than it was earlier. It almost felt intentional with how loud and bright it was! But that would just be weird. He sighed and braced himself as he tried to simply make it through the ceremony without interrupting in one fashion or another, no matter how much he wanted to.
ELELELELEL
The reception was, to Eddie's surprise, at a nice restaurant in southern Middleton. The couple had rented the use of a private room, and while the food was seriously amazing, the choices of booze were... Less so.
I guess Green Babe and Drew didn't want anyone gettin' seriously trashed. Eddie scowled slightly, grimacing as he sipped at his beer. A lite beer, from that company just up the interstate a couple hours. The only good thing about it was the thin alcohol content had taken the edge off of his hangover. Okay, that's it, I gotta skate!
That decision made, he started walking towards where the bride and groom were standing and watching the party guests. They were obviously happy, which didn't settle well with Eddie in the least, but what could he do? Nothing, at the moment; Green's family were still sticking around. Red 1 and Red 2 had just gone over and started talking with Green and Drew, while the two loser older magic guys stood and complained to each other.
"I don't care, Mego!" Green Babe's biggest brother complained with a deep pout as Eddie passed him and the purple haired brother, "It just isn't proper!"
"And you still wonder why she left." The purple guy rolled his eyes expansively. "Whereas I figured it out years ago!"
Those guys are seriously lame! he thought as he passed between them, ignoring Blue Dude as he muttered at Eddie's rudeness. No wonder Green Babe's always on edge and annoyed, if she grew up with those two!
The two red guys were now talkin' with his cousin a few feet away from an exasperated yet amused Green. They kinda looked angry, and as Eddie got closer it was totally clear what was going on. They were seriously failing to keep their voices down, which made it easy for the motorman and Green to overhear what they were saying.
"...and if you don't take care of Sheegs you'll have us to deal with!" one of them said, pointing his finger in front of Drew's nose.
Sheegs? Seriously cool nickname!
"Don't think we won't!" the other practically snarled as he crossed his arms. The two of them held their poses for a few moments, likely trying to really dig the message in, before they nodded to each other and withdrew from the conversation walking backwards, giving Drew the 'I've got my eye on you' finger gesture.
If they'd been about a foot taller and older than mid-teens, they might have looked a little intimidating. They just kinda looked like pouty teenagers as they were now, though. It was almost comical, and Eddie had to try and hold in a condescending chuckle at the two boys as they nearly fell over, tripping against a garbage can set up in the middle of the room for the small number of guests to dump their various waste into.
"So… What did they want?" It was seriously obvious that Green Babe had overheard everything. It looked like she was trying to share the joke with Drew a bit, which was totally weird on her part. She tended to laugh at him, not with him.
"Well, it seems that when they were discussing the odds of us staying together, they realized that you might end up hurt by us breaking up…" Drew said, stifling a snicker.
Deciding it was a nice-enough thing to hop in on, Eddie finished walking over to them, tossing his empty beer can in the garbage the Reds tripped into as he did. "Hey, Cuz, Green Babe!" Eddie tried to put his most seriously enthusiastic tone of voice on, short of an air guitar, of course. Mama L wouldn't like that at all!
"Hey, Mullet Man," Shego said with a painfully neutral tone.
"Erm, Eddie." Drew said a trifle nervously, glancing ever-so-slightly towards Shego, "Heading out already?"
Huh, Eddie pondered, What's that about?
He resisted shaking his head in confusion, and with a smile he knew was a bit plastic, he nodded. "Yeah. Seriously, champagne and lite beer ain't my scene. The Motorman totally needs some hard liquors if he's gonna enjoy himself."
"Well, uh, drive safely," Drew said, his smile just as nervous sounding.
"What the doc said." Shego added indifferently, sounding like she didn't actually mean it, "Wouldn't want to hear about you becoming a hood ornament."
"No problemo, Green Babe! This hasn't even worked up a buzz in the Mane Man, seriously!" Eddie felt an overwhelming urge, one he didn't really understand, but he went with it anyway. Reaching out, he wrapped his huge arms around both of their shoulders. It was brief, but left both the bride and groom flabbergasted. "Hey, congrats 'n' stuff, right?"
"Right..." Shego muttered with suddenly suspicious eyes.
Drew, on the other hand, looked unaccountably happy at the gesture. "Right! Talk to you later, Ed!"
"Right, laters!" Eddie let loose a smile at his younger cousin, then turned and walked over to Mama L and his own ma.
Like Eddie, his ma came to the wedding all casual-like, sporting a denim knee length skirt and a long sleeved, gray blouse with a small Gnarly-Davidoff logo. Her salt-and-pepper black hair was done up in twin braids, another small concession on her part. Mama L had clearly not been happy when Ma finally showed up in the middle of the ceremony, but then again, since when did those two really get along super well?
They stopped whatever they were bickering about when they noticed him walking over. He was sure that he would totally not dig what they had to say, so he began speaking before either of them could, "Hey, Ma, Mama L, I'm gonna go hit the road."
"You're not staying, Edward?" Mama L asked with a small edge, drawing a slight wince from the motorhead. He wasn't sure why she was still upset; he totally didn't do anything harsh during the wedding!
"I'm kind of surprised he stayed this long," his ma said with a snort. "Eddie-kins isn't much for family, after all."
"Well," Eddie shrugged, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck while desperately trying to ignore the hollow pang in his chest from what his ma said, "I kinda wanna hit the road and think about some things, y'know, with Cousin Drew gettin' hitched, it got me to thinkin'..."
"Don't do something foolish, Edward," Mama L said with narrowed eyes, making him fight the urge to gulp.
"Or don't name it after me!" his mom snickered, making him wince again.
"No, just gonna take a cruise 'n' think about stuff, seriously!" he promised, holding his hands up as if warding off blows.
"Be safe, Edward," Moma L said with a moue of concern.
"And don't tear outta here like it's a race," his ma said harshly. "It's a nice Christian establishmen, for Christ's sake!"
"Yeah, yeah." Eddie said as he turned and made his way out of the restaurant, ignoring Big Blue Dude and Mama L's comments about his ma's choice of words and the hypocrisy behind them. That seemed to start another quiet bicker session — and only quiet because they were in public — between his ma and Mama L, but that was like sayin' that people needed to breathe.
He did at least listen to his mom, straddle-walking his bike to the edge of the parking lot before kick starting it, then leaving with at least a modicum of restraint. As he got to the first light on Middleton Boulevard, he glanced left and right, trying to decide where to go. He did have a lot of thinking to do, but not the kind he intimated to his ma and Mama L.
He could continue straight and hit one of the bars that'd be open and serving the seriously hard stuff this early, or he could turn left and hit the road up through Middleton Pass. Maybe even go up to the summit of Mount Middleton. The motorhead felt an excited shiver at the last thought, remembering the prior night and early morning, and what had happened up there...
That made his decision for him. The light changed and he turned left, thankful there wasn't much traffic as he let his speed creep up to nearly 100 MPH. Not that he'd pay attention to anything as mundane as speed limits, now or ever. His state of mind just made it even less of a care as he decided he would just beat the hell out of anyone that tried to stop him.
Luck was with him when he saw no sign of PD, sheriff's office, or highway patrol. With an indulgent grin, Eddie opened his hog up a bit more, topping 140 at the end of a long, straight stretch of Highway 24.
What'm I gonna do? he moaned to himself, his face pensive. He liked cousin Drew. A lot. More than any chick he'd ever had, or dated. Oh, he'd come close with a couple, the closest being the one chick other than Green Babe that he'd never scored with! It was pretty funny, really; she hadn't even sprung into his mind once when he and Drew were doing stuff together, or when he'd been seriously wasted the night before. Now that he was thinking about it, though, she came up as a serious comparison thing with Drew on stuff that Eddie dug.
Even with that, though, him and Red hadn't done much more than a few sloppy make-out sessions, and they'd barely got to second base or anything! He felt funny as he thought back to that crazy, party girl of a redhead. He'd hung out with her when she was in college, before work had taken him across the country to that seriously restrictive lab back East. I mean, yeah, I never got all the way, but she was the closest thing I ever had to 'The One' in a girl, seriously!
He remembered what it was like, how he felt, when he kissed her. Comparing it to Drew's seriously awesome attention, Eddie couldn't help but admit that Drew was even better than Red! And that was when his cuz was trashed! Eddie didn't even know how Drew was sober. He found that he really, really wanted to know.
And the few times it got beyond kissing with her, to petting, she'd always been the one in charge. Just like Drew, but Drew...
"Oh, man, Drew seriously took charge!" he enthused, taking his hands off the handlebars, keeping the bike straight with subtle shifts of his weight, then blasted out an air guitar solo, "Yeah-ah-ah-ah-ah-yeah!"
With a despondent sigh, he dropped his hands back to the handlebars, downshifting and slowing down to about 80 when he came upon the twisting switchbacks that led up the mountains. He looked up into the incongruously blue sky and begged, "What'm I gonna do? Seriously, what?"
He pondered, actually seriously for a few, blinking away at tears he was loathe to admit were falling from his eyes. "Drew's hitched, an' I can't do anything about it..."
He grumbled a bit as he came around a bend and got stuck behind a huge pickup truck towing a badass-looking boat. The truck itself he could appreciate; it was suspension lifted, with components from quality companies. Some of them the motorhead recognized as ones the motorman himself had designed and sold to the company!
In the bed of the truck were a couple college-aged hotties, sittin' on what he guessed were beer coolers, their hair flying wildly behind them. The smaller of the two looked vaguely Asian, maybe Filipino or something, the other was a gorgeous Mexican chick with a beauty mark on her left upper lip.
They waved at him, and he waved back, appreciating their assets, though inside he was debating their merits versus both Green Babe and his cousin. Mostly his cousin. He was tempted, very, very briefly, to pull alongside and ask where the party was. But... He wasn't in the mood. Because he was thinkin' of Drew.
"Oh, man, I've got it bad!" He waved again, giving them a wink — he had to do at least that, or he had to turn in his man card! — before downshifting and blasting past them. He gave the driver, a short haired chick of all things, a thumbs up as he passed, then rocketed back up to 80. "Gah! The open road should be helping me think, not makin' me more confused!"
With no end in sight for his deliberations, he continued on, his destination the scenic overlook where his cousin had shown him just what he'd been missing out on in his life...
ELELELELEL
"Hey, Nerdlinger." Shego snickered as the teen boy almost spat his soda out when she popped up on his screen.
"Sh-Shego?" Wade gasped, blinking at her repeatedly.
"Yeah," the green woman smirked at the camera on her phone, then her expression fell slightly as she remembered why she was calling. "Look, y'remember that favor ya owe me?"
"Er, yeah?" Wade gulped, wondering what the woman would ask for. Even if she'd been pardoned, there were all sorts of nasty little things she could want some dirt on. The rotund boy was very glad that Kim didn't know about his other activities that had wound up with him owing Shego a favor in the first place.
"Oh, don't get your briefs in a bunch!" Shego rolled her eyes and shook her head at him. "Look, I'm calling in half of the favor now, since this is a small thing. Heck, you might even fall asleep from boredom in the 30 seconds it'll take you."
"Er..." Wade looked about to protest, but instead sat back and narrowed his eyes. "Why don't you let me know what you want, and we'll decide afterward?"
"Sure thing, Short Round." Shego nodded, her estimation of the kid, which was already pretty high, going up a notch. Wade actually seemed to preen at the nickname, which drew a snort from Shego. With some mild sarcasm, she commented, "Figures you'd like the best character from that movie."
"Yup." Wade agreed with a grin, clearly ignoring the barb in her words.
"Anyway, I need you to track someone's current whereabouts for me," the pale thief said, picking at her nails a bit.
"Motor Ed?" Wade hazarded, immediately paling when Shego raised an eyebrow.
"Good guess..." Shego pursed her lips, especially when Wade seemed to go a bit green. "Get a bit of an eyeful, Nerdlinger? Last night, perhaps?"
"Um..." Wade gulped, his eyes twitching away for a second before he looked back and gave a guilty grin. "I was just making sure they weren't going to do anything too bad for his bachelor party..."
"You were still tracking us? When we both know that Princess said something along the lines of, what was it?" Shego brought a finger to her chin, looking up as if honesty contemplating the question. She snapped her fingers, her voice dropping into a passable impression of Kim, "Oh, yeah! 'Wade, we have to try to trust them, at least a little bit, 'kay?' Or something close to that?"
"But, I mean..." Wade choked out. "That is, Motor Ed wasn't... Yknow... Um... Oh, yeah, he's working on... Oh, snap..."
"Exactly." Shego shook her head and tutted at him when he tried to stammer a reply, "Be a pity if she found out about it, huh?"
"Oh, that's dirty..." Wade muttered, even as his face paled a bit more. "Okay, um, let me just pull up that info and we'll call it a friendly favor?"
"Yeah." Shego snickered, "I thought so..."
She held the smug grin on her face for a few seconds longer, then broke down laughing, making Wade's face twist in incredulous annoyance. She turned away from the screen to yell at Drew, who had shouted about her being too loud with her laughter, before turning back to face Wade.
"Oh, that was good..." she said after nearly a minute and a few false starts due to laughing too hard. Taking a few deep gulps of breath, she finally choked out, "That paranoia, as annoying as it's been in the past, is one of the reasons I like ya, Short Round! Don't worry, I wouldn't dream of telling Cupcake about your covert monitoring beyond her doofus, and I'll even let you take a quarter favor for this." She paused, then added, "Maybe the full half I mentioned earlier if you're quick."
"Okay." Wade breathed a sigh of relief. He laced his fingers together and gave a knuckle cracking stretch, before poising his fingers over his keyboards. Within thirty seconds of rapid fire tapping, he smirked. "Got him! He's about halfway from the summit of Mount Middleton heading back to town." Wade paused and gave a bit of a shiver, likely from the memory of the night before, before blinking and continuing, "You taking a hover or your jet?"
"The jet, doy!" Shego chuckled. "Can you give m-..."
"Already done." Wade smirked smugly, managing a chuckle when Shego gave him a half-hearted glare.
"Thanks, Nerdlinger." Shego shook her head and disconnected. Standing and stretching, she considered what all she wanted to say and do once she caught up with Eddie. She strode from the suite's bedroom with purpose, giving Drew a halfhearted, "Going out, be back in a few hours!" as she made her way to the door, her mind distracted. The jet would set down on the roof, thanks to the AI that the young nerd she just finished talking to installed a year or so ago for a hefty chunk of money.
"Could you pick up some milk and pickles?" Drew called back to her from the living area where he was marathoning one of his dorky sci-fi shows. "The room service here is a rip-off and I want to have a solid snack before bedtime tonight!"
"Sure, sure..." Shego replied distractedly. A moment passed, a few more steps taken, before she stopped and stood stiff with anger as she realized how she'd answered. Now she was contemplating going back to fry Drew for the temerity of having her go out to get food for him. She stopped herself, though. They were married, and she'd already learned that holding her temper, and her normal expectations, in check, could lead to... Interesting things. Such as the breakfast this morning, which was damn near as good as some she'd had in high end resort hotels.
"No time to think about it now." Shego admonished herself. After all, she had an idiot to take care of!
Authors' Notes
Eddie, you're an idiot.
Where in the world can the story go from here? Drakken and Shego got hitched, and Eddie doesn't seem willing to do a thing about it… Or is he? I guess we'll find out next time...