I will never be a morning person, you think in the waking hours of the morning. Reluctantly, you flutter your eyes open, attempting to dispose of the fatigue that is firmly holding on to your eyelashes and weighing them down. You feel as though all of the sleepless moments of the night had found their way into the crevices below your eyes and chosen that as their resting place. A grunt is released from the back of your throat, remembering that you had cluttered the dusk and dawn with thoughts of exchanged embraces and shared glances. Yet again, you groan at yourself, faintly agitated and frustrated at the weakness of your own heart and its eagerness to give in. You decide to rise and abandon it in the safety of your room.
The sound of clashing pans, hissing food and the occasional proclamation of the word shit guides you to the kitchen. Raven is preparing breakfast with such an elegance, that you cannot help but wonder how she has not set fire to the apartment. "Good morning sunshine", she utters happily, before she turns her attention to the stove and continues, "I'd ask how you slept, but you look like shit." You mutter under your breath, feigning insult, as you walk over to the counter and prop yourself on your elbows.
Today was Saturday and you were immensely grateful for not being bound by academic responsibilities and obligations. You release a sigh and speak into your hands, "I'm meeting with Costia today." Despite the culinary commotion, Raven's thoughts are unspoken, yet audible. "Ray, trust me, I know. But I really like Costia and it's not her fault I'm a shit person." Raven takes out two plates and serves you the product of her efforts which, by the looks of it, you would not mind passing on. She turns her attention to you and says, "It's not like you're falling for Lexa on purpose, Clarke. And you never have to justify yourself with me. Just make sure that you have a good time." You take a bite of the food, it tasting similar to a compilation between rubber and cardboard. "You should come with. The more the merrier! Besides, I know Costia really liked you", you reply pleadingly. She nods back in response and spits out her food, "You probably shouldn't continue eating that". And suddenly, for more than one reason, you feel somewhat more enthusiastic about your day.
You were picking up Costia at her apartment. Impulsively you clench the steering wheel with sweaty palms. "For fucks sake, would you relax", Raven states with a roll of her eyes, "Just let go of whatever it is that you're feeling. I get it, it's not their fault, but it sure as hell isn't your fault either for the way you feel. It's just a crush and it'll go away if you give it time. Yes?" Crush, you think to yourself. You taste the word in your mouth, but cannot help the impression that it does not match the budding feeling in your bones.
In the same instant, the door of the building opens and out walks a smiling Costia. To you she appears to be perpetually effervescent, a contagious quality that you adore about her. Her hand goes into a wave, before she swings it and prevents the door from closing. Oh god. "Now, let's calm down", Raven tries to state evenly, even though her voice hums with a muffled astoundment. Your heart clenches at the sight of brown locks spilling over shoulders and hurts a little when fingers entangle with Costia's. I'm such a shit. Raven lowers her hand on your leg and exhales a breath of concern, "See this as therapy. Seeing them like this will help you move the fuck on."
The girls walk up to the car, shuffle into the back seat and as they are putting on their seatbelts, both you and Raven greet them cheerfully. "Do you even have a plan of where we are going", Lexa asks while shifting her gaze between you and your friend. Her eyes on you feel too pleasant, therefore you avert your attention to the front of the car. As you turn the engine on, Raven proclaims, "I know the best food place. But it's in Santa Barbara..." An unspoken agreement lingers in the air as you push the gas pedal, rolling the car onto the road.
You have barely been driving for an hour, when you feel your eyelids begin to close with an ease. "I'm sorry guys", you state, "I have to pull over. Raven, would you mind driving?" Raven nods, as you take the next exit, finding a resting spot. All of you walk out of the car and stretch your arms into the warm air, as Costia closes the distance between you and clasps her arms around you. "I didn't get a chance to do this earlier", she speaks and continues with, "Hi". You counter by embracing her tightly, letting a smile fall out of your mouth, and through lidded eyes respond, "Hi there." "You didn't get much sleep last night", Costia's statement worded more like a question. "No. Is it that obvious?", you inquire while gesturing to your face. "Absolutely not", Costia replies without hesitation, "You are as beautiful as ever". She is too thoughtful. She lets go of you, walks up to Lexa and entangles her arm around her waist. Conflicted, you attempt to kill the creeping feeling that resembles jealousy, at the same time as you genuinely believe that the two of them belong with one another.
They were polar opposites in numerous ways, but they were the same in the one way where it counted the most, they were humans of the year. You deserved neither of them.
Raven bridges the gap between you and protectively loops her arm around you, "Clarke has a lot on her mind." Lexa's gaze is warmly fixed on you, as she considers whether the things you had spoken about, under the protection of cracking branches and swaying leaves, were the same things that troubled you now. Not knowing how to respond to her thoughts, you simply shake your head and utter, "Nothing serious. Minor issues." Before the conversation has gained any type of momentum, Raven interrupts and motions to the car, "Shall we?"
Costia and Raven walk over to the driver side and enter the car, as you and Lexa stand motionless on the passenger side. You rest your arms on the roof of the car, while her hand is still on the door handle, anticipating you to speak. "It's a little bit of everything", you say barely above a whisper. She observes you with a gentleness, as equally tender words leave her mouth, "You can always go to the place that I showed you. It is yours." A thought begins to resonate against the walls of your temples. You know it well. And with intensifying remorse, you pretend not to hear it, not without you.
As you collapse into your seat, Raven scrutinizes you with a complete lack of amusement. "Drive", you express sternly. "Your wish is my command, my queen", Raven states and adds, "You should try and catch up on sleep." Your ensuing nod ends in a tilt onto the window, weighed down by exhaustion.
"Clarke, wake up! It's just a nightmare!" You open your eyes, feeling disoriented and confused. It takes you a moment to comprehend that Lexa had managed to push herself between the seats, her hand clasped around your arm. She knows what you were dreaming about and it is that knowledge that keeps her hand on yours, even when the others have let go. Your eyes meet hers, "I'm okay". The lioness observes you with doubt, as you throw your hand on hers and proclaim, "I promise". It is here that you realize how comfortable it feels, your fingerprints marking the back of her hand. Embarrassed, you immediately recoil and release her hand from the weight of yours. "Do you want us to go back home?", Costia asks, her tone coated in concern. "If it wouldn't be too much trouble", rasps out of your mouth.
Your feelings are excessive and their burden lavish. Wasteful amounts of sadness. Wasteful amounts of worry. But also, wasteful amounts of love.
You are apathetically sprawled out on the couch that same evening. Your hair, in equal measure, obscuring your face and the orange Cheetos stains covering your shirt. The blanket resting on your legs functions more as a napkin than anything else, as you carelessly wipe your hands on it. You were alone in the apartment, which would have suited you perfectly, if it was not for the fact that it would not last very long. Raven had taken precautionary measures and called someone to take her spot for the evening. Knowing that it was Octavia, you had begun drinking copious amounts of water, aware that she never comes without a whiskey bottle in tow.
The doorbell rings and you practically run towards it, excited to see your friend. As you swing the door open, a smile breaks free from your lips. "Hi", the girl sheepishly says, somewhat uncomfortable. You recoil slightly at the unexpected sight, "Lexa…" "Raven called me. But I also needed to see how you were feeling considering what happened earlier today." You feel as though thousands of needles are prickling your insides, multiplying each time the realization washes over you that she is here. "Come on in", you usher her.
Giving her enough time to take off her jacket, you lead her into the living room and apologize for the mess. "I know the apartment looks like shit. And I know I look like shit", you state. The girl only smiles and brushes her hair from her face, "You look like someone who wanted to be alone tonight." You relax in place as you wheeze out, "I'm actually very happy that you are here."
Both of you sink into the couch. Feeling slightly more self-conscious, you pull your hair back and latch the curls behind your ear. It quickly dawns on you that you had just wiped the orange off of your fingers and into the golden of your hair. "Wonderful", you squeak and turn to Lexa, inquiring fretful, "How bad is it?" She drags her gaze from your eyes to your hair with a slight tilt of the head, as she reaches out with her hand and pulls gently at the golden strands. "It is not bad at all. If you have a craving for snacks later tonight, you know where to look", she speaks through a poorly contained smile. "You are so ill-informed", you reply with a grin, "I never wait for food". With that, you unhitch your hair and pretend to consume it, declaring to the girl, "You are welcome to join me in the feast. There's plenty to go around". Lexa responds with a laughter that practically foams at her mouth, "I am famished!" And you cannot help but wish that you had met her first.
The night seeps in and you become mindful of the fact that this moment is coming to an end. You whip your head towards the girl, with your hand mimicking the motion and landing on her arm, "You are leaving soon". The statement worded as a question. She murmurs, before her lips open and she responds, "I do. It is getting late."
In one cohesive motion, you rise to your feet and begin to fold the blanket that had been covering you, gesturing towards the girl, "Fold that one too. We are going to need it." The way her head angles and eyes dim propels you to speak further, "I have a present for you. It's not far from here and I'd like to give it to you tonight, before you leave. As a thank you." You push your hands towards your chest, "If that's alright?" While looking at you, she silently thrusts herself up and begins to fold the cover, "It is quite alright."
You drive, despite it being Lexa's car. A perpetual smile was imprinted in the cracks of your lips, tugging at the strings below your ribcage. And each time you would glance at the body sloped in the seat next to you, the strings would tense and vibrate in tune. You take the next exit and follow the curvy road up the mountain. "Almost there", you declare, while rolling down your window. The hum of the freeway was long gone and in its stead, silence and the smell of pine trees filled the inside of the car. You savored the taste of spring as it heaved its way to your lungs. You carefully glimpse towards Lexa, who had propped her entire upper body onto the open window and through closed eyes spoke into the nocturnal air, "This alone would have made a wonderful gift, Clarke."
Not long after, you turn onto a wide and empty piece of land. You park the car and exit, while motioning for her to follow you. You lead her to a lonely, wooden bench, perched almost on the edge of the rock face, overlooking the city. You are surrounded by the rawness of nature, the smell of trees, dirt and rocks suspended in the air. "This is very beautiful", she utters. You simply nod, allowing the lingering silence to heighten the beauty of the moment.
After a little while you speak quietly, attempting not to damage the serenity that had encircled you, "This isn't what I wanted to show you." You stretch out the palm of your hand, as she hesitantly clasps her fingers around it and allows you to guide her. You walk back to the car and standing in front of it, you stretch out one of the blankets on the ground. Laying down, you gently tug at her arm to do the same, but say, "Keep your eyes closed". She releases a breath of surrender as she imitates your motion and does as instructed. When you are both still, your back on the rough ground, you whisper, "And now, open your eyes." The sharp breath that enters her mouth is instantly released, accompanied by the words, "Amazing, Clarke."
It was a clear night. The sky cluttered with stars, varying in different sizes. Some were brighter than others, yet each leaving an imprint in the darkness. So many of them. The wonderment at the vastness of the sky above, made you feel unbounded. And knowing that you were rooted in this moment with her, made you feel resolved. Yes, the beautiful monstrosity above was too preoccupied with creating new celestial beings, while devouring others, to acknowledge two bodies laying below it. But you knew that, at this point in time, you and she had created a ripple in time where, for a brief moment, your paths had merged into one. And whether the stars would admit to seeing you there, sprawled in the dirt, did not matter to you. "This is what I wanted to give you", you breathe, "The sky." She is quiet, but she grips your hand harder as she whispers, "Thank you for my souvenir, Clarke."
You find yourself in the car once again, driving back home. You continuously tap your index finger against the steering wheel, experiencing an internal debate. Finally, you decide to speak, "I have one last thing I'd like to share with you". You can feel the spark lighting behind your eyes, confirming that there is no better person to divulge what you are about to explain. With your free hand, you point towards the planes in the distance, preparing to land, "They have to cross the freeway fairly close", you pause allowing the girl to take in your words, "So, how would you like to chase airplanes with me?" Lexa releases a laughter, "And how exactly do we do that?" You proceed by rolling down all of the windows, the air rapidly flowing in and out. "We too need to feel as though we are flying", you yell, "You have to do the work though, since I'm driving." Both of you smiling as she stubbornly tries to brush her curls away from her face to better meet yours. You continue, "Pretty much we are going to try to get right under the plane as it crosses the freeway and you are going to catch it with your hand. It's fun! Trust me!"
With that, you slightly increase the speed and instruct her to choose a distant, but approaching dot. As she points towards one, you raise the volume of the music and yell to her, "Now, put your arm out! Have fun! Remember, you too are flying!" The cyclone in the car twists in your hair, strands cascading, the music drumming, as Lexa stretches her arm out and closes her eyes. "We are going to miss it", she yells through laughter. Her entire demeanor makes your lips expand into a smile, "Have some faith!" You cannot help but feel utterly complete, observing her open palm in the air, reaching towards the sky. "Now!", the word sharp, as she turns her attention towards the night above, and stretches her open hand towards the massive, steel giant, passing over you. When it is gone, she leans back into the car, "Fuck! I almost had it! How can I go home without my own airplane?" And you knew that you were going home with something much, much, better.
You park the car in front of your apartment complex. When you exit, Lexa's stride is quick as she walks over to you and tugs you into her arms. She pulls away slightly, while her hands still rest on your arms, "I am lost for words, Clarke." You reciprocate with a smile, despite the constant shifting of your weight from one foot to the other, "My debt is repaid". "Plentiful", the word gently bouncing off of her tongue. "Thank you only goes so far", you declare.
She looks at you softly, faintly squeezing your arms, unsure of what else to do or say. And you wish you could hold her. Lexa. Lexa. Lexa. Lexa. The drumming familiar and absolute. Reluctantly you untangle your arms, as her face turns somber, "I have to leave. I'm sure Costia is waiting for me." What am I doing? And before she gets in the car she gives you one last glance, "I will be looking for you in the stars, Clarke." You point towards the darkness above and croak more seriously than you intended, "By that star is where I'll be waiting."