Disclaimer: I don't own Community. If I did, Sheldon Cooper would be teaching Quantum Mechanics for Beginners at Greendale (I don't own Big Bang Theory either, but if I did that guy would be overdue a dose of the real world).
Author's note: the first half of this is mostly the episode in question with only modest AU content - but then it's debate week, and I didn't dare touch that! There's more AU content in the second half.
Chapter 6 - Advanced Public Speaking
Week 9
(Study Room F)
"Have you seen the Film Department's website?" Troy asked everyone.
"What do you think?" Jeff snarked.
"All of Abed's films are about us!"
"What?"
"Check it out." Troy fires up his laptop.
Upbeat techno music plays. A stylishly dressed young man walks into view. He poses like he's modelling sunglasses.
"What else is new?"
"Jeff!" Everybody says at the same time.
"Hola." Jeff walks to the table like he's on a catwalk.
"Jeff, stop being so relaxed!" Britta cries out. "We need to talk to you about -"
Shirley Jumps in. "We know you're living out of your car. Why, on the Lord's good earth, are you living out of your car, boy?"
Jeff is not happy with the intervention. "Should I go get a runway full of ice cubes? Because you guys need to cool your jets!"
(In the real world)
"Those people look just like us!" Said Shirley. "That's eerie."
(Back on screen)
"Fine, it's true. I'm living out of my car. And I don't want anyone's help." Jeff storms out of the Study Room.
(In the real world)
"We had almost that exact conversation last week!" Said Shirley.
"Yeah, but Abed posted this video two weeks ago." Said Troy.
Shirley gasps. "That boy's a soothsayer!"
(Back on screen)
Jeff storms out of the library. He looks across the Quad to the Learning Resource Center, checks around to make sure he's unobserved, and jogs across. Once there, he checks again to make sure he isn't being watched, then dips inside and makes his way to Study Room B. A petite girl with dark hair and wearing a red cardigan is inside and greets him with a delighted smile. "Hi, Jeff!"
"Hi Annie," he answers with a big smile of his own. "My study group are driving me mad at the moment. Do you have anything for me?"
"Well I'm practising conjugating irregular verbs, you can join me if you want."
"Great! You know how much I love… conjugating!" The smile on Jeff's face was positively lascivious. Annie blushed, but smiled back.
(In the real world)
"Where the hell is Abed?" Jeff hissed through clenched teeth, then turned around and stormed out of the study room.
"Troy, wind that bit back." He hears Shirley saying in a grim tone as he leaves.
Jeff is ambushed on his mission to inflict grievous bodily harm on Abed by Annie, the dean and professor Whitman. Annie is wearing some sort of uniform.
"Oh, ! , did you happen to hear my announcement this morning?" The dean spoke first.
Jeff looks at him with an expression of poorly concealed disdain. "I hang on every word."
"I'm going to assume that's sarcasm." The dean sniffs.
"Correct."
"So you didn't hear my announcement?"
"I'm barely listening now."
"Oh."
Annie jumps in front of Jeff, she's got her formidable face on and is making eye contact.
"My debate partner dropped out, And we need you to fill in for him at the championship tonight."
Professor Whitman comes up next to Annie. "Jeffrey, as debate coach, I am offering you an opportunity to spend the night drinking from the cup of life rather than romancing your nether regions In front of the e! channel!"
"Come on, Jeff." Says the dean. "I mean, who better than a former lawyer to really stick it to those city college snobs and their star debater Simmons?" Annie is giving her formidable face all it's got.
"Mm, pass." Jeff tries to sidestep the trio, on the second attempt, he succeeds. The dean scrambles desperately to get back in front of him.
"Okay. No, no. Listen, jerkwad - I'm sorry. That got heated. Greendale needs a win. The best compliment our sports programme gets Is that our basketball team is really gay, so what's it going to take? You know, a plum parking space, Free meals, A night of companionship if you know what I mean."
Annie has caught up with the dean and has given up on her formidable face and is now trying her best Disney princess look. Jeff desperately tries to maintain exclusive focus on the dean, unfortunately for him the dean manoeuvres himself so that Jeff can't avoid seeing Annie over the dean's left shoulder.
Jeff sighs. "I'll do it for the parking space. And if you promise not to tell me what you mean."
"Okay." Jeff turns and walks away, Annie bounces with delight and exchanges high fives with the dean, then she scrambles to catch up with Jeff.
"Jeff - the topic for debate is "are people inherently good or evil?" So when do you want to get together to strategize?"
Jeff is dismissive. "Edison, I was a lawyer. I was a debater for money. I think I can handle this."
Annie looks somewhat sceptical as he brushes her off and walks away.
XXXXXX
(Evening of the debate, Jeff has delivered a Winger speech that got the whole hall singing along with him. He turns back to the judges.)
"At the end of round one, City college: 50, Greendale: 8."
Jeff is stunned. I only got 8?"
"She got 8." The judge pointed at Annie. "You got 0. It's a debate, not American Idol."
Jeff goes back to his seat. Annie looks furious, Simmons is gloating.
"Nice work, L.A. Law. All sizzle, no steak."
"I don't care, dude." For a man who doesn't care, Jeff sounds pretty upset. "I'm doing this for a parking space."
(The debate collapses into chaos as the basketball team invades the gym. The dean suspends the debate until the day after, with a sarcastic comment that maybe Jeff could use the time to prepare. Jeff storms out in a foul temper, pursued by an intense Annie.)
"Jeff, wait, when are we getting together to prepare for tomorrow?"
"Never, because it's stupid, and I don't care."
Even the human being is visibly disgusted with Jeff and mumbles something incoherent.
"Bite me," snaps Jeff, kicking a rubbish bin for emphasis.
"Maybe Simmons is right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. You probably couldn't beat him if you tried." Annie has her challenging face on.
"What do you mean I can't beat him?" Jeff rises to the challenge. "You and I are going to study harder than we've ever studied before and beat City College tomorrow."
"Really?" Annie looks delighted.
"No! Who am I, I-Carly?"
"What's wrong with you, Jeff?" Annie's upset again. "You act like things don't bother you, but they do."
Jeff deigns to offer a form of explanation. "Look, six months ago, I was a lawyer. I wore suits. I used to say stuff like 'objection' and 'sidebar.' Now I'm losing a community college debate to Jeremy 'soul patch' Simmons." As if invoked by a curse, the man himself appeared from nowhere behind Jeff.
"Hey, Winger! You like to sing? I like to sing too. Zee-eero fo-or Winger! Ba na na na na na! Kick that." He says to his sidekick, pointing at the rubbish bin Jeff kicked earlier. The sidekick does.
"Was a big shot law-aw-awyer! Ba na na na na na na! Now he's a loo-oo-oo-oo-ooser!"
Annie's anger had started to fade as Jeff explained himself, and as Simmons intervened she and Jeff turned around as one, adopting body language that was a mirror image of each other's. Now Annie spoke out in defence of Jeff.
"Lay off, Simmons. Jeff didn't understand the rules."
"Yeah? What's your excuse, eight points?"
"Dude, leave her out of this." Jeff warns Simmons. Simmons ignores him, and starts chanting.
"Little Annie Adderall, was an outcast in high school!" Annie's face falls, Jeff turns to look at her, and just like that Jeremy Simmons has crossed Jeff Winger's red line, the one that really does not like bullies - especially, though he would deny it with all the strength at his disposal if challenged, bullies who go for his friend Annie.
"That's it." Jeff bends forwards until his face is only inches from Simmons'. "Dude, we are going to debate the living crap out of you." He turns to Annie, grips her elbows and looks her directly in the eyes. "Come on we've got some preparing to do." He offers her his arm and they walk out side by side.
XXXXXX
(In the library, Shirley is in a panic about Abed's psychic abilities and is demanding he foretells her future. Abed denies any particular powers.)
"Shirley, I have no psychic abilities. I'm just an entertainer. But if it'll make you feel any better, Here, let me show you what I'm working on."
He opens a video, it shows Shirley screaming, being chased by werewolf Troy.
Shirley has difficulty believing her eyes. "I'm sorry, is that me being chased down by a werewolf?"
"Yeah." Says Abed. "And that's how you'd behave in that situation, no?"
"The situation being me being chased down by a werewolf?"
"Mm-hmm."
(Scene on video changes to the quad. A petite brunette in a red cardigan is bouncing happily around a stylishly dressed young man.)
"Jeff!" Says Annie. "I've got those extra credit notes you asked for!"
"That's great, Annie!" Jeff smiles, leans forward and gives Annie a hug. As they pull away, their eyes lock on each other. Annie leans forward again, and suddenly they're kissing passionately. They're so involved in each other that they completely miss the sight of Shirley pursued by a werewolf and screaming as she runs past them.
(In the real world)
"And that's Jeff locking lips with that Annie girl?" Shirley can barely believe what she's seeing.
.
"Mm-hmm." Abed replies. "Yeah."
Shirley straightens up in disgust. "You're a fool." And walks away.
XXXXXX
(In Study Room B, Jeff and Annie are attempting to prepare. Annie is discussing the Stanford Prison Experiment, when Jeff suddenly cries out in pain. Annie is less than sympathetic about his stress headache.)
"You're knee-deep in it now, brother! This is debate. If you want to win, You need to prepare."
Jeff acknowledges her point. "Well, agreed, but if you want to win, You need to loosen up. Go off book, robot debater." He puts on a machine tone of voice with the last words and imitates Annie's clumsy, over-deliberate hand gesture from the earlier debate.
Annie is dismayed. "Oh my gosh, you're right. Simmons is so good at using his inherent magnetism to sell his points, and here I am, like a spinster librarian with my hair pulled back!"
Jeff nods. "Yeah."
Annie comes to a decision. She reaches up, unfastens her hair grips and lets her hair fall loose, teasing it into place with her hands. She smiles the most grown up smile Jeff has ever seen from her.
"What do you think?" Jeff is utterly stunned by the transformation - a friend he had always seen as more of a kid sister than anything else has suddenly transformed into a shockingly beautiful young woman. He can barely manage to croak out one word "- yeah." His mind however is racing. You are in so much trouble, Winger!
Annie registers there is far more to Jeff's reaction than just one word. She does a happy bounce and flashes an even brighter smile. "Thanks!"
Their eyes meet over the table. Silence fills the room and the air grows heavy between them. It's Annie who breaks contact first.
"We should get back to work."
"Yes. Um, okay." Jeff forces himself to look down at his notes as Annie, feeling uncomfortably warm, takes off her cardigan. "The people are inherently evil."
Annie makes a determined effort to get back on topic."Ooh, we can use this Hobbes quote!" She gets up and comes round and leans over Jeff's shoulder so he can read the book too. "'Man is a collection of base animal urges. To act on them and experience sinful pleasure would be morally no different than taking a breath.'"
Jeff looks sideways, and realises that Annie's mostly exposed cleavage is now only inches away from his face, worse than that he can feel the soft pressure of her breast on his shoulder as she leans in. It takes every ounce of willpower he has to turn his gaze away rather than - don't even think it Winger! As she finishes, they make eye contact again. They hold the gaze for a second and then start to pull away. It's Annie's turn to feel flustered as Jeff stretches away from her to put distance between them and his t-shirt stretches tight over his chest muscles.
"That's poignant, right?" Annie stammers.
I have so got to get out of here! Every ounce of Jeff's willpower is now focussed on not giving in to his base animal urges. "Yeah. You know, maybe we should study alone."
"Yeah." Annie's feeling more than a little bit shaken by the way things have changed between them too.
"Separately." Says Jeff.
"Uh-huh." Says Annie. "That way we can be more reproductive-productive!" She practically screams the correction.
"Bye!" They practically shout at the same time. Annie closes in for a hug, it lasts perhaps a fraction of a second before they both pull away as though electrocuted. Jeff turns on his heel and basically flees the room.
"You forgot your phone!" Annie shouts after him.
"I can get another one!" Jeff practically squeaks back as he disappears up the stairs.
Jeff spends the rest of the night studying as he has rarely studied before - desperately throwing himself into the depths of human misery and depravity to take his mind off of soft hair, an extraordinary smile, creamy smooth skin and a soft, warm pressure on his shoulder.
He wakes up the next day from a night torn apart by feverish dreams and barely manages to drag himself to Greendale in time for the start of the morning study group session. Shirley is glaring at him, Pierce and Britta openly grinning.
"Okay, what's going on?"
"Troy, show him Abed's latest video." Said Britta. Troy fires up his laptop.
"What does Shirley being chased by a were -"
He sees the scene switch to the courtyard, watches it unfold in silence.
"Abed, that isn't helping."
"I only observe and tell stories Jeff, I don't foretell."
"Let's be absolutely clear." Said Jeff. "I. Will. Not. Be. Kissing. Annie. In. The. Quad. Now, can we study?"
XXXXXX
(That evening, just before the debate)
Jeff had avoided Annie all day, needing the time to calm himself down a little. As the start time approached, he finally met up with her and professor Whitman behind the stage in the gym. Annie smiled at him.
"I've got something for you, Jeff." She handed over a debate team jersey that was a match for the one she was wearing.
Jeff put on the jersey. He adjusted the hang fractionally.
"Damn, but I look good in anything." Annie did a happy bounce and flashed him a smile.
"You ready to do this thing, champ?" Jeff was looking Annie straight in the eye.
Annie nodded. "As I'll ever be, partner."
Jeff bowed slightly, indicating Annie should take the lead. As she started walking, he fell in beside her and they walked side by side up the stairs onto the stage, taking their seats on the left as the audience saw it. Simmons was already there, but Jeff ignored him as he held a chair for Annie to sit down before taking his own seat in an elaborately casual manner and acknowledging the cheers of his study group who had come to support him while Annie waved at Marcia and Joelle who were sitting in the back.
Simmons was not happy at being ignored. He did however get to go first when the dean gave the order to re-start the debate.
"...and as German poet Franz Wickmeyer once wrote "snow falls from the heavens pure. We cannot blame the snow for being soiled by the earth." He choked with emotion, shed a manly tear and forced himself to speak again. "Man is good."
Jeff Winger will now offer a two-minute rebuttal." Professor Whitman announced.
Jeff gets up, sober of countenance and walks to the front of the stage. Simmons barracks him.
"Hey, sizzle. What are you going to sing tonight? I'm in the mood for some Sade." He snickers.
Jeff ignores him, halts at the front of the stage and pauses for a moment to make eye contact with the audience, then he begins to speak.
"In the Stanford Prison Experiment, twenty one out of twenty one students when given absolute power, abused and tortured their fellow students. My competitor likens people to pure, falling snow. I would respond, 'there is none righteous. No, not one.' Now I realize Mr. Simmons' quote was from the great Franz Wickmeyer. Mine was just from a simple desert handyman - named Jesus." In the audience, Shirley cheered.
Simmons, suddenly looking a great deal more serious, looks across at Annie. The petite brunette meets his gaze head on with her most formidable face and nods twice. It's game on, Simmons. Do you realise that now?
Simmons fights back, but Jeff and Annie are on fire. They field point and counter-point like two halves of a perfect whole, topping every point Simmons makes with one of their own. When the debate pauses for a five minute break before closing arguments, they can barely contain their exhilaration.
"We make an amazing team!" Annie says jubilantly.
I know!" Says Jeff, who's feeling equally excited. "We're so in sync. It's like a perfect duet or great seeee…." He realises what he's about to say and panics slightly about how to finish it. Fortunately, a distraction arrives.
"Hey, professor Whitman!"
"Jeffrey - your preparation was impeccable. You remind me of a young me with slightly worse hair." Annie nods in agreement.
They're joined by an equally excited dean. "I just checked with the judges - they'll need a miracle to win in rebuttal. Simmons is finished!"
Simmons has one last hand to play however. A sudden expression of resolve crosses his face and he theatrically tears up his cards and throws the pieces to either side of his wheelchair.
Annie spots him and silences the jubilation of her colleagues. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's going off book!" They all turn to look as he slowly turns his wheelchair to face them.
In the audience, Shirley is baffled as to what is going on. "why is he ripping up the cards? Doesn't he need the cards?"
Abed is suddenly focussing all his attention on the stage. "it's a gambit." He says, in his best Batman voice.
Simmons aims his wheelchair at Annie and starts accelerating. Jeff steps a couple of paces forwards to shield his partner. Simmons suddenly slams on the brakes, catapulting himself forward, straight at Jeff, who instinctively catches him.
"He hates me, yet he caught me!" Simmons cries out, his voice cracking with emotion. "Man is good!"
The City College section of the audience erupt with cheers and applause. The judges look like they are about to award the win to Simmons by acclamation.
Then Annie steps forward with an expression of terrible resolve on her face. She grabs hold of Jeff's head with both of her hands and pulls him down into an intense kiss. Jeff is suddenly utterly overwhelmed, and reacts entirely on instinct. He drops Simmons and his arms go around Annie, drawing her into him with a suddenly desperate need. The Hall goes silent apart from Shirley squeaking "Abed! Abed!" as everybody focusses on the couple passionately kissing on stage. Suddenly, Annie breaks away with a triumphant expression on her face.
"He was horny, so he dropped him!" She cried, pointing at Jeff and Simmons. "Man is evil!"
"Greendale wins!" The judges cry, and the audience erupts.
A jubilant Annie looks up at Jeff. "That off book enough for ya?" An utterly stunned Jeff Winger is, for once in his life, totally speechless.
The crowd is dispersing gradually. Almost unnoticed in the celebrations, Jeff and Annie leave the gym and head out into the night.
"Well, I'm going this way," says a suddenly nervous Annie.
Jeff is still slightly stunned, but is finally able to talk semi-coherently. "So - well, um, congratulations, champ."
"Thanks, partner."
They move towards a hug, but fail to connect as they lunge in opposite directions. They try again, with the same result. Annie rolls her eyes.
"Oh, this is ridiculous!" She steps in suddenly before Jeff can react and throws her arms around his waist. Jeff's arms float frozen in mid-air for a second and then he completes the hug.
They stand like that for a long moment, just relaxing, then Annie pulls away with a smile on her face.
"Thanks again, Jeff, you were a good stand in. See you on Monday."
Jeff smiles back. "See you Monday, Edison." Annie walks off, giving a swift wave before turning her back. Jeff watches her go for a moment then heads away himself.
XXXXXX
Week 10
(Study Room B, Monday morning)
For once, it wasn't Marcia's private life that was the main topic of discussion.
"So tell us about the kiss, Annie!" Marcia had said almost as soon as she had walked through the door.
"There's nothing to say about it," Annie said. "I took that kiss for the team, it was all about winning the debate."
"Annie, who are you kidding? You guys were hot together - if that was acting you should get an Emmy!"
Annie blushed again. "Well, I'm not going to say it wasn't nice - Jeff knows what he's doing…"
"He's had enough experience." Joelle muttered.
"Joelle!" Annie squeaked.
"So what? If even half the stories are true, he's almost as big a slut as Marcia."
"Joelle!" Now it was Marcia's turn to wax indignant.
As if exhausted by the effort to put together so many complete sentences in a row, Joelle simply raised her eyebrows in challenge and met Marcia's gaze.
The bigger girl thought for a moment and shrugged. "I just have a very… friendly personality, that's all."
"Can we study now?" Said Annie. "We do have a Spanish test tomorrow after all." She couldn't help but flash a small but grateful smile at Joelle for distracting Marcia though. The redhead smiled back.
XXXXXX
Annie felt absolutely miserable. Okay, so she'd messed up in not hearing Chang call an end to the test, but he'd dragged her bodily out of the classroom and it wasn't her fault the man was nuts and had given the rest of the class an essay to write in response, which had then escalated to a twenty page long submission which had to be in by Monday after the rest of the class tried to challenge the absurdity of it. But it was two days later and she was still being given the evil eye by the rest of the class and even Joelle and Marcia were only coming round to Study Room B to work. Probably because they've worked out that if anybody stands a chance of doing this thing it's me. Annie thought bitterly. Though even then they were wrong - Annie had been as surprised as anyone when Chang had announced Jeff had not only handed in his essay early but done well - he probably paid one of the Mexican gardeners a hundred bucks to write it for him, she thought cynically.
She was therefore more than a little surprised when the man himself slid into the opposite side of the booth she was having lunch at - alone - and greeted her with a dry smile, especially as the rest of his study group was sitting in a booth on the far side of the cafeteria.
"Room for one more at the outcast's table?"
"Hi Jeff," Annie smiled cautiously back at him. "Aren't you worried about your cool rating if you're seen with me?"
"Being cool is overrated, Edison."
"It's that bad, huh?" Annie didn't believe his carefree attitude for a moment. "Why don't you tell me what's happened. I may be able to help."
So Jeff told her - about how his study group had begged him to use his charm on Chang to get him to change his mind about the assignment, how he'd actually taken the man drinking and pretended to be his friend for an evening, and how Chang had only been willing to let Jeff off - and even then only if Jeff continued to pretend to be Chang's best friend whenever Chang was feeling lonely (which was most of the time) or Chang would fail Jeff for the whole course, not just this assignment. And what was worse, his study group was convinced he'd only ever been interested in getting himself of the hook and had ostracised him as a result.
Annie reached over the table, grasped his hands and looked in his eyes.
"That sucks, Jeff. Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Would you be willing to put on a sexy dress and go on a date with Chang?"
"What?" Annie let go of his hands and sat back in her seat, arms crossed against her chest and ready to explode.
"All of this started because his wife threw him out and he's feeling lonely. If I could set him up with some alternative female company he might calm down, and you're the only woman who's offered to help…"
"Not Going To Happen, Jeff." Annie said grimly. "You'd stand a better chance of getting his wife to take him back."
"That's… not the worst idea in the world, Edison." Jeff was suddenly looking thoughtful. "Unfortunately, I have no idea how to get in touch with her."
"That I can help you with," Annie said. "I've got to know the dean's secretary quite well because of all the voluntary work I do around here. I'm sure she'll let me have Chang's next of kin contact details if I ask her nicely."
Jeff was actually starting to look excited again. "If this comes off Edison, I'll owe you one."
"Yes, you will." Annie was smiling properly now.
XXXXXX
That evening saw Jeff making his way to a small house in the Greendale suburbs. He knocked on the door and a startlingly attractive Hispanic woman in her late 30's opened it.
"Senora Chang? You don't know me, but I'm Jeff Winger and I'm a student of your husband's at Greendale Community College…"
It took most of the evening, but by the end Jeff had convinced her to at least come along to the Green Week dance on Saturday night. The argument that finally seemed to work was when he said that Chang respected her decision to leave, but if he was never to see her again he wanted to dance the Salsa one last time - that had been a part of their relationship that had always worked, after all.
XXXXXX
(Saturday night, the Green Week Dance)
As was often the case with this sort of thing, Annie Edison was one of the volunteers who had helped set up the cafeteria for the Green Week Dance - it helped that none of the other volunteers were in her Spanish class so treated her exactly the same as they always did. She was therefore standing at the back of the room when she saw Change dance a surprisingly competent Salsa with his wife - to an Irish jig, no less - and make a tearful announcement cancelling the essay (except for Jeff) and then saw Jeff mobbed by his study group who were full of praise for pulling it off. She saw him smile and shake his head in response to a question, and then the rest of the study group moved away to join in the dancing. Annie walked away from her spot at the back of the cafeteria and came to stand next to him.
"Congratulations, you really did it."
Jeff smiled down at her. "It's official, I'm awesome."
"Are you awesome enough to ask a girl to dance?"
Jeff smiled and shook his head. "I don't dance to this sort of music, sorry."
Annie was smiling openly now. "You owe me one, remember?"
A theatrically wounded expression crossed Jeff's face, but after a moment he smiled back and held out a hand. "Will you do me the honour, milady?"
XXXXXX
Halfway across the room where she was dancing with Troy, Britta Perry saw Jeff suddenly take hold of Annie's hand, spin her into his body and then out again, with the petite brunette laughing joyously. An odd twinge of… jealousy, she realised it was went through her. You're not too cool to dance with your little friend, I see. She forced herself to ignore what Jeff was doing and concentrated on throwing the most brilliant smile she could at Troy.