Kurt POV
In the end, common sense prevailed and I made the wise decision not to light a fire in my bedroom. I threw most of what I had destroyed away, and set a few things aside for tomorrow. Although a bonfire was a little dramatic, even for me, a small fire would be symbolic and cleansing.
Even at my worst, though, there were things I refused to touch. Finn's favorite shirt, the one that was so worn out he could only use it to sleep in was in the dryer. I folded it and set it aside for when Carole came back to pick up the rest of his things. His school work was deposited unceremoniously on the counter because I knew he wouldn't redo it and I wasn't going to be blamed for his failure. That could fall on his own stupid shoulders.
Broad, sexy shoulders…
Shut up, Galinda! Finn Hudson was in no way sexy or attractive to me any more. He was dead to me. I would rather sleep with Karofsky!
Really?
Ok, no. There was nothing on this planet more horrifying then the thought of sleeping with Karofsky. But I was done with Finn, no matter how good he looked. I just had to get my traitorous inner bitch to accept that.
Why? I love him. You love him. You're hurt right now, but that doesn't make the love go away. If the love was gone, you wouldn't be hurt. It's going to take a while for it to go away completely. If you want it to, of course.
I did. Screw Finn and his stupid Finn-ness. I was getting ready to dump the trash when someone knocked on the doorframe.
Maybe it's Finn! I couldn't tell if it was Galinda or I who was so excited at the thought. I knew that he would come back to apologize and sort this out.
Oh my Gaga, I was pathetic. I was every woman in a lifetime movie who let her man abuse her and treat her like shit, and rushed back to him the minute he crooked his little finger. "What is it?" My voice was bitchy and strong. There, Finn could suck on that for a change.
"Watch your tone with me." It was Dad instead of Finn, and why was my heart sinking at that thought?
"Sorry. I thought you were…." I couldn't even finish the thought. "Nevermind. What's up?"
"I just got off the phone with Carole Hudson. Is there something you would like to tell me about what happened tonight?"
That snitch! I couldn't believe that Finn had tattled like that. "Finn's a liar. I don't know why you're believing him over me."
No, sweetheart, I think that you're the liar. Why are you doing this? You of all people should know that the truth will come out eventually.
"I mean…..what did she say?" Smooth, Kurt, real smooth. That didn't make me look guilty at all.
"She said that I probably needed to talk to you about what actually happened tonight and that was it. I didn't talk to Finn at all, so I don't know what he claims happened. I'm certainly not believing him over you."
I looked down. "He called me names."
"I heard what he called you. What was said before I came downstairs?"
I shrugged and looked down. Dad crossed the basement and made me look up. "Why don't you want to tell me?"
Even though I was trying really hard not to, the tears were already dripping down my face. "Because you'll be mad at me."
"What did you do that would make me mad?" I don't think he meant to, but his voice was getting steadily more urgent and it was freaking me out. "I just want you to tell me."
"Finn called my decorating job ugly. He came home in a pissy mood and he picked a fight with me for no reason. He said that it looked like a whorehouse in here."
"I already know what Finn said. I want to know what you said, and why you think I would be upset with you."
There was no avoiding this. "I told him that I could at leas tell my left from my right, and he said that he could, too. But when he tried to he was wrong. Then we started calling each other names. It was bad."
Dad nodded and sat down on my bed. "Then what happened?"
I sat as well, just so I wouldn't have to look him in the eye. "He called me a fag. But I called him a retard first."
"You did." There was no emotion in his voice. "Why would you do that?"
I honestly couldn't remember. I had been so angry with him, angrier then I really had had any right to be. "I was pissed at him. I don't know why I was so mad." I gave a humorless laugh. "I don't know why he was so mad, either. It was just like neither one of us could control ourselves."
I needed to think a little more about why that was, but that was for later, when I could do it alone. I felt like I was missing just one piece of the puzzle, and I would be able to understand. "I wanted to make him mad."
"I would say you accomplished that goal. I'm disappointed in you, Kurt."
I knew that he would be. I was disappointed in myself, that I had sunk to such a low level. "I know."
"First off, that was a terrible thing to call Finn. Every bit as terrible as what he called you. Both of you need to learn to watch your tempers and your mouths. But that's not what I'm so disappointed about. We've all used words that we shouldn't have. I've said things that were even more bigoted then what either one of you said. It's not right, but I know that you aren't the first or the last to say it. "
He was quiet for a few minutes, gathering his thoughts. I scooted a tiny bit closer, hoping he would at least put an arm around me.
He didn't. "I understand that your temper can get the best of you, and you can say things that you don't really mean. But you let Finn take the fall for both of your actions. You stood by, and that's what really disappoints me. Why didn't you tell me the truth?"
I shrugged my shoulders, because I couldn't tell him either one of the truths. The first was that I was scared of him, and that he would turn on me the way he had turned on Finn. The second was that a part of me liked to see Finn being the one who was knocked down and punished for a change. He had stood by while I was bullied and hurt for two years, and turnabout is fair play.
Mature. If you're going to keep blaming him for the past, then do both of you a favor and let him go now.
Already done, thank you.
"A shrug isn't an answer."
"Why are you blaming this all on me?" My voice rose up until it was a thin shriek. "You're the one who jumped on Finn for no reason! You didn't let him tell you what happened, even though he tried. If you didn't listen to him, why would you listen to me?"
He visibly deflated. "I know. I wasn't fair to Finn, and I feel terrible about it now. But when I heard what he said…." He stopped and shook his head. "I was wrong, and I'll admit that. But so were you, and I want to hear the whole story."
"That was the story. I got mad and he got mad and we called each other names. Now Finn and Carole are gone. There isn't anything else to tell."
"I just want to know why you didn't tell me the truth? That's all I'm asking. Come on, Kurt." He was more gentle now and less accusing.
"I didn't want you to hate me." I wiped my eyes again. "You hated Finn because of what he said, and I thought that you would hate me, too. Then what was I supposed to do? At least Finn has Carole to love him. I wouldn't have anything. I'd rather lose Finn and Carole then lose you."
"You won't lose me, and I could never hate you. Do you hear me? There is nothing in this world that will make me hate you."
No matter how many times he said that, there was a part of me that didn't believe it. "I couldn't say anything. I panicked."
Finally he touched me, resting his hand on my shoulder. "Ok." He rested his head in his free hand. "I don't know what we're going to do now. Let me think about it overnight, and we'll try and fix things tomorrow, alright? I'm not angry with you, and I love you very much."
I nodded and he stood up to leave. His walk was slow and defeated, and I wanted to get up and chase after him. But I didn't. I waited until he was almost up the stairs to say anything. "How?" My voice was soft and thready.
"How what?"
"How are you going to fix this?" I wanted him to tell me that he already knew and that things would go back to the way they had been just a few weeks ago.
"I don't know. There are going to have to be a lot of apologies from everyone, I know that, but long term? This one may not be salvageable."
Even thought I knew that already, it still hurt. "Ok."
"I don't want you to feel like this is your fault. Everyone has to take some blame. If Finn tries to blame this all on you, I want you to tell me."
"I will." Even though I already knew that I wouldn't. Me snitching on Finn was what had started this entire problem. If Dad had just stayed out of it, the two of us could have worked it out. Maybe. I wouldn't have actually hit him, and I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't have hit me either. I think we could have managed with some time to cool down and a little space.
I spent the rest of the weekend reorganizing and redecorating my room, returning it to what it had been, not only a few days ago, but before Finn moved in at all. Any stray possession of his was put in a box to be returned at a later date. There weren't many things left after my rampage, but a few things turned up. I didn't know how they were going to make their way back to their rightful owner, but I was going to let Dad take care of that one.
Speaking of Dad, he and I mostly avoided each other. Neither one of us really knew how to handle the other's grief. I know that when I saw him, I felt guilty for what had happened, and I'm sure that he did as well. So we remained ships passing in the night, never touching.
The phone rang on and off, but I didn't pick up. It was always Mercedes, and I just wasn't up to talking to her. She would undoubtedly whip me back up into a frenzy, and I needed to be calm right now.
I had already concluded that I was going to have to be the bigger man when we got back to school. I was going to conduct myself with grace. This was both to prevent unattractive sweating, and to make myself look better. If I could keep myself in control while Finn spiraled out of it, maybe someone would believe my version of events over his.
Fat chance. And who are you going to tell anyway? Outside of the Glee club, nobody talks to you, and within it, the sides are already chosen.
Fine. I was trying to keep myself calm because I didn't want to get all crazy again. When I stressed I did foolish things like call my boyfriend names or throw out all of Dad's flannel because I hated it. Turns out he doesn't hate it and he took the money for the replacements out of my clothing allowance. You wouldn't think that shirts that ugly could cost so much.
Even after things were back to the way they had been before, the room didn't feel right. This had been my room two days ago, but it didn't feel lie mine any more. It was a stranger's room and I hated it. But the thought of doing yet another redecoration
Monday rolled around far too quickly for my tastes. It had been long enough that my anger had cooled, though the hurt remained, sometimes so sharp and painful that I didn't feel like I could breathe. Guilt gnawed at me, even though I knew that this wasn't solely my fault. Finn was to blame as well, and I hoped that he was just as unhappy as I was.
Dad had tried calling the Hudson house on Sunday. Carole had answered, and been polite about coming to get the rest of their stuff, but Finn refused to come to the phone. Even after Dad insisted that he just wanted to apologize, and Finn had nothing to worry about, it wasn't about to happen. Carole wouldn't force him to talk, so all Dad could do was pass on his regrets, and hope that Finn believed him.
I already knew that he wouldn't. With the exception of Mr. Shue, Finn doesn't like men that much. He's especially shy of men who yell, and Dad had shattered a very tenuous trust. If he ever got it back, I would be surprised. In the end, he just made arrangements for Carole to come by while both Finn and I were at school.
I was worried that Finn wouldn't have a way to get to school, but I had to force myself back. It wasn't my problem any more. Nothing involving Finn was.
Mercedes and Tina met me at the car. Tina gave me a quick hug. "I'm sorry, Kurt."
So Mercedes had filled her it. Our eyes met, and she gave her head a quick shake. The details remained between her, me, and Finn. Unless he told people. I'm sure that he's already told Puck, but I was fine with that. Well, not fine, exactly, but I did expect it.
I tried to sound flippant. "Thanks. It'll be ok, though. I'll be alright without Finn Hudson"
"What happened? You two seemed so happy." She radiated genuine concern.
Of course we had seemed happy. I hadn't really said much about what had been happening at home to anyone, not even my friends. They thought that everything was perfect, not only between Finn and I, but with our families as a whole. No one had ever thought that about me before, and I didn't want to do anything to dispel that notion. "It just...I don't know. Things weren't going so great with Finn and Carole moving in, and he didn't like having to sleep in the living room and everyone was tense. It all just blew up last night."
"How's that working out with your Dad and his Mom? Things must be a little awkward now."
I had to handle this one delicately. "There is no more Dad and Carole. The Hudsons are back at their house and it's just Dad and I at ours. Everything is done. I am again a free man on the market." Again my voice betrayed me with a slight quiver.
Tina obviously realized that there was more to the story, but she let the subject drop. That's one of the nice things about her, and a trait that I greatly admired. She was smart enough to know when she should quit pushing. "That sucks. I take it things ended poorly."
"That would be an understatement. But we were both at fault and I don't want this to affect anything in Glee, ok? We can't afford a war right now. No one has to choose sides."
At my side, Mercedes gave an irritated huff, but I silenced her with an evil glare. I didn't need her to fight my battles, especially since she didn't have the entire story about what had happened.
"You're handling this well." She gave me another hug. "If you need to talk, just let me know."
"Thanks, T." I took a deep breath to steady myself, and stepped into first period. This was, fine, I could act like nothing had changed.
To my surprise, though, nothing really had. No one outside of the Glee club knew about Finn and I at all, and I was low enough on the totem pole that no on paid much attention to me on a daily basis. So everyone else moved on as if this was a perfectly normal day. When Finn broke up with Quinn, it was front page news. When he broke up with me, nothing happened. It was a bitter pill to swallow.
And as for Finn himself, I didn't see him until sixth period. I knew that he was in school, because I heard a few rumbles about his attitude in class, but he either skipped lunch or found somewhere to hide himself, because he was conspicuously absent. It sent a message to Artie, Mike, and Matt that wasn't acknowledged out loud, but was received all the same.
I finally found Finn in the hallway between classes. He was talking to Mike, looking for all the world like there wasn't a thought troubling his mind. Mike said something and his head came up, meeting my eyes.
The sight was chilling. I had gotten very used to seeing love there. Even before the love, there had been a gentle fondness. At worst, he was indifferent to me. Now he was cagy. It wasn't quite a threatening look, but I could tell that he was preparing for another fight.
I held his stare and shot him a message with my eyes. Don't tell anyone. I didn't.
The message was received and returned. Me either. You tell, I tell.
I gave my head a quick jerk. I'll keep your secret, you keep mine. Beyond that, we're done with each other.
He nodded back and turned to Mike, dismissing me completely. Even though I didn't want to actually talk to him, but it was still painful to see how little all of this seemed to affect him. It was like I had been nothing to him.
At least I could content myself with the fact that he wasn't going to tell on me. In a vacuum, Finn and I were equally to blame for what had happened, but McKinley wasn't a vacuum. Finn was automatically right, and I was wrong. Not to mention that me calling him a retard would be seen as cruel, while his calling me a fag would be met with cheers and high fives.
Glee came way too soon. I wasn't sure if Finn would even want to continue with the club, or if I wanted him too. Just because we needed him, it didn't mean that I actually wanted to have him around.
There was no sign of Finn when I first came in, but Puck was already there, his hand way too high on Santana's thigh. If Puck was around, that meant Finn was on his way.
Word must have spread, though, because the club was divided down the middle. One side had Rachel, Mike, Matt, Puck, Brittney and Santana. Mercedes, Tina, Artie, and Quinn were on the other. Sides had been chosen, which was exactly what I had hoped wouldn't happen. Especially since I wasn't too sure how strongly the people on my side felt. Artie was there because Tina was. If she wasn't around, he might choose Finn. I didn't think that Quinn cared one way or the other about Finn and I's fight. She had taken to spending long periods of time staring at nothing while she rubbed her stomach. Finn would know more about what her actual plans for the pregnancy were, but it wasn't something that we talked about, even when we were on speaking terms. Oddly, Jesse was missing. Rachel was alone, several seats away from everyone else.
Finn's side doesn't look too good either. Santana is there because Puck's feeling her up. Brittany's there because Santana is. The minute Puck makes her mad, which should be in about 39 seconds, they'll come over to you. Cheerios stick together.
Yeah, they had really stuck by Quinn when she needed them, hadn't they? Coach Sylvester might try and drill out into a Vocal Adrenaline-esque pack, but, in the end, we were all a bunch of teenagers. I would have trusted any one of them to catch me after even the most difficult toss, but that didn't mean I actually liked most of them.
Finn bounded in the door, and breaths were held all over the room in anticipation. We were all used to tempers flaring at this point, and plenty of screaming. Not to mention the occasional bursting into random angry songs. What would Finn and I do?
The answer was nothing. Finn gave us one of his goofy grins and shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry I'm late guys. Where's Mr. Shue?"
Again, he didn't even look at me. I studied my lap so no one would see the tears that had sprung to my eyes. Mercedes reached over and squeezed my hand. "It's ok."
Mr. She busted in, looking angry. Uh-oh, what had Coach Sylvester done this time? "All of you, the auditorium. Right now."
We pressed together as we walked, all uncertain and a little scared. Was Mr. Shue angry with us? Did we even have a club?
The auditorium was dark, except for the stage, which had spotlights shining on it. Ok, a guest performance. This could be good. Actually, this could be great. Not to mention it would give us all a topic of conversation that didn't revolve around Finn and I.
Careful what you wish for… Galinda was almost mocking.
There was a brief scramble for seats, since our usual order didn't work any more. I wasn't going to sit next to Finn, so he ended up taking Jesse's empty spot on Rachel's far side. He still didn't look at me, even out of the corner of his eye. Why did that keep making me sad?
The spotlights briefly dimmed, then flared back to life as the music started. We all recognized the song that was blaring through. More importantly we all recognized the group that had invaded our auditorium. Vocal Adrenaline. How in the world had they gotten inside the school?
Even though I would like nothing better then to smear him in honey and leave him for the hockey team, my ears were still trained for the sound of Finn's voice. Despite him whispering to Rachel, I had no trouble hearing him. "Is that Jesse?"
It couldn't be. Had he really defected back to Vocal Adrenaline? That scumbag! That traitor! As much as I liked being proven right, I didn't want it at the expense of my team.
And?
And, ok, I didn't want it at Rachel's expense either. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not a fan of her nagginess, but I knew what it was like to be betrayed by someone you thought you loved, and I was sympathetic.
"Rat bastard gave them the keys." Mercedes was squeezing me so tightly it hurt. "He must have."
I shot a look down the row of seats at the rest of the club. Everyone was shocked and silent, completely blindsided. The sole exceptions were Rachel and Finn. Rachel had her hand on Finn's arm, and tears streaming down her face. Finn's brow was furrowed and his lips moved as he looked back and forth. He was….counting? Yes, counting, I clearly saw his lips form the 'seven'. But why was he counting?
The number ended with a flourish and Vocal Adrenaline bouncing out, laughing and high-fiving each other. We remained frozen until the door closed, and then exploded into a frenzy of voices.
Artie was mumbling something about psyching out the competition, which made Finn nod and agree. Crap, I was losing Artie being on my side. But Finn was already moving on. "Where are the rest of them? I only counted 13 on stage, and they usually have 20 in each performance."
He was right. 20 is the maximum number of singers allowed on stage at one time and Vocal Adrenaline would never have even one less. Of course, I wasn't going to let him know that, because I hate him.
Luckily, Puck took my role. "Yeah, you're right. What the hell?"
Mr. Shue tried to get us back under control. "Ok, everyone. Do you know why they did this? They're scared. This is a good sign, guys. It means we have them on the run. Now let's get to the choir room and get started on our rehearsal."
I don't even know why he bothered. Vocal Adrenaline wasn't afraid of us any more then a cat fears a mouse it wants to play with before devouring. They were having fun with us and we all knew it.
Still, I tried to be positive. "Well it's going to take more then that to..." I trailed off in the doorway, seeing what they had done to our room. Toilet paper was everywhere, enough that it was going to take us forever to clean it up. But it was more then that. This was a pissing contest, and New Directions had just lost big time.
"I guess that's where the other 7 were." I could always count on Finn to state the obvious.
Footsteps sounded, and Coach Sylvester strutted in. "I gave them the keys. I also let them do a sound check over the weekend." She didn't bother looking at me. When I was her athlete, I was important to her. When I was a Glee club member, I was beneath her notice.
She moved on, pointing at various places in the room and deciding which wall to knock out. Mr. Shue stood. "Sue, what are you doing?"
"Can't talk to you now, William. I'm needing some help redecorating around here. See, I have nationals over the weekend, and I'd like to return with a comically large first place trophy, for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case. As soon as you hurry up and lose at Regionals, your room will become my official trophy annex." She waved a trophy at us. "Here's what is has to look like: Elvis's gold record room at Graceland."
Honestly, I had totally forgotten that Nationals was even coming up. Two weeks ago, things had been perfectly planned out. The four of us would go to New York for Spring Break, where I would introduce Finn to the wonders of Broadway. Then we would come back to the hotel room, where I would lose my inhibitions and introduce him to a few more new things while simultaneously ignoring what our parents were probably up to a room over. Then we would fly down to Florida just in time for me to perform in the Cheerleading Nationals. After that, I would either be having a victory celebration with Finn, or letting him comfort me in various naked ways.
Now, none of that was going to happen. There's no more Finn and Carole, and I'm not even sure if Dad and I are going to New York. We're miserable here, and I don't want to spend four days stuck in a room with him being miserable there. At least here we could get away from each other. Maybe I would be better off just spending the week with the team, perfecting things.
Mr. Shuester stepped forward. "Sue, get out of my room."
She wasn't afraid. "Glee clubbers, for those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Accutane, listen up. In a few weeks, Glee club will be finished. Know how I know? Well, I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie, who told me that you're 40:1 underdogs at Regionals. Now, you're going to lose, and your dreams will be crushed."
It was Brian Ryan all over again, and this time it was my other coach doing it. Unlike with him, though, Mr. Shue wasn't going to let it happen. "Sue, can I see that trophy?"
"Sure, Will, hold the dream." She gave it up without a fight.
He launched it into the wall, shattering the cheap plastic and fake gold. "You dropped your trophy, Sue."
Hey, I had helped to earn that trophy! But I couldn't help the trill of delight to see him standing up for us.
Still, it didn't ruffle her feathers. "Trophies are like herpes. You try to get rid of them, but they just keep coming back. Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious, outbreaks. Enjoy your last few days here, because this room is about to be mine." She turned away and walked out.
Mr. Shue rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Sit down guys."
We did, even though the room still wasn't clean and now there were trophy pieces on the floor. "Alright, guys. This all plays into what I wanted to talk to you about today. Regrets. Who has some?"
"Giving my heart to Jesse just to have it crushed like a stage performance of Stomp." Rachel was flopped dramatically over the piano. I could have told her that the anger was going to wear off pretty quickly, but I didn't bother. Sometimes, you just don't want to hear it.
"Thinking that 'trust me' was a sensible birth control option." Quinn shook her head.
And boy did I have my own regrets. I snuck a glance over at Finn, only to accidentally make eye contact. We both jolted as if electrocuted and looked away. So Finn regretted what had happened, too. Or maybe he regretted the entire thing. Guess what, asshole, so do I.
"We all have them. I just finalized my divorce. I regret living in a relationship that wasn't working. Letting her put me in these deep funks and not fighting back."
"Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?" Santana never missed an opportunity to be a bitch.
"Because, if we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals, we're not going to regret it. We'll have given it our best shot, and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition, which is why we need to hit them back, just like they hit us."
"So you want us to TP their choir room?" See, this was why Quinn and Finn worked out. They were both way too literal.
"Whatever the better, cooler, version of that is. Like...maybe we should steal their school statue."
Not an option. "The school statue is a giant bronze of a shark eating a seal pup. It weighs 3 tons." Do not ask me how I know that.
He tried something else, and I made the mistake of looking over at Finn again. He was looking at Puck, and they were doing that weird Vulcan Mind Meld where they talked with just their eyes. This was not going to end well. Puck was trouble, and Finn would follow him right down the primrose path.
Not your problem, not your problem, not your problem. He's not your Finn, and you have to let him screw it up on his own. And we both know that he will. But that's not your problem.
That was true, so I focused my attention on Mr. Shuester and his assignment of the week. We had to have a song about regrets. I had Finn, of course, but which part? Did I regret how things ended, or the entire relationship? Or was it some weird mixture of both. No, it was the whole thing. I had given everything to him, and he stabbed me in the back.
Now I just had to find the right song.