A/N: Kurt's song is 'Break You' by Marion Raven. He is not someone to piss off, now is he?
Kurt POV
"How about 'Heartbreaker'? You can pull it off, and I can get some sexy eyeliner on you?" Mercedes was scanning her phone for songs.
"Nope. I don't want to give Finn the pleasure of seeing that he broke my heart, because he didn't. I don't need him. I'm looking for something with more of a 'fuck you, you bastard' vibe to it." Though the eyeliner would be a plus.
She gave me a level look. "Are you sure? Because you're both doing really well with not freaking out. Why rock the boat?"
"I'm not rocking the boat. Our assignment for the week is a song about regrets. I regret my relationship with Finn. It's perfect."
"Look, I'm pissed with Finn, too. He's an asshole. But we need to pull together now, especially with what just happened with Jesse. We can't afford to lose anyone else."
God I hate it when someone else has to be the voice of reason. I glared at her. "We're not going to get lucky enough to lose Finn. He's going to haunt me until the day I graduate. I want him to know that our relationship is a flaming pile of rubble right now."
"If you say so. You need to hurry up and pick, though. We're on a timeline, here."
Putting me under pressure never helped, and my mind went blank. "What are you doing?"
She didn't look up. "Nothing this week. I'm helping two different people with their drama, so I don't have any extra time for my own."
Wait, what? My eyes narrowed. "You aren't helping Finn are you? Because he's on his own." Mercedes was the one person I was guaranteed to get in this divorce, and I didn't want her to help Finn out. Absolutely selfish, but I could put up with that.
"Of course not. I'm helping Quinn."
Vaguely, I remembered hearing that Quinn was now a fixture at the Jones house, after her father kicked her out of his. With things so volatile between her and Puck, it was probably in everyone's best interest that she not stay there. I hadn't realized they were anything other then reluctant roommates, though. I had certainly never thought that they might be friends. So much had happened this year, and was still happening that it was hard to keep up.
"What is she doing?" Quinn had to be having so many regrets right now that I couldn't imagine where she would even start.
"I don't know. I'm helping her find something, just like I'm helping you." Her tone said that there was more to it then that, but I didn't want to push.
I flipped through more songs, but nothing seemed right. Everything was too whiny, or wanting the other partner back, or out of my vocal range. "I can't find anything. How about we just hook up after school tomorrow? I think I need to clear my head before I pick anything."
She put her arm around my shoulders. "How are you really holding up?"
"Not very well." It was an understatement. I loved Finn. I hated Finn. I wanted Finn back and I never wanted to see him again. Sometimes I felt all of those things within a few minutes. I wanted to talk to him, and to ask why, but I didn't know how. It was better to make a clean break from Finn, and let this relationship go.
No, it's easier to make a clean break from Finn. Not better. If you want to go that way, fine, but to pretend that it's anything but the easy way out.
Rage boiled through me at that thought. There was nothing easy about any of this, for anyone involved. I was suffering, Dad was suffering, Carole was suffering. And Finn? I wasn't sure. He hadn't so much as looked in my direction all day long. He seemed perfectly happy, as if I was nothing to him. In fact, he was right back to hanging all over Rachel. I'm sure she'll be happy to get right in there and help him reaffirm his heterosexuality. If he was angry with me, or miserable with how things had turned out, he was doing an excellent job of hiding that fact.
I don't know what people did before Google. All I had to do was type in 'fuck you songs' and I had dozens to choose from. Granted, I had never heard of most of them, but that was what YouTube was for. Within 15 minutes, I had the perfect song. Angry, loud, and I would be able to wear that eyeliner after all. It was glorious. By the time I had this one ready to perform, I was going to kick multiple asses.
I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening nailing down the vocals and blocking out some choreography. Dancing wasn't my forte, but if I could get some basics down Mercedes could help me with the fine tuning.
Dad shouted down for dinner, breaking my concentration. I wasn't hungry, but I didn't want him eating alone, either. We only had each other now, and I couldn't let him down.
Still, it was a quiet affair. No matter how much Dad insisted that things weren't solely my fault, and that I was forgiven for what was, I couldn't help but feel like I needed to apologize again.
"How did today go?" Dad was clearly fishing for something to talk about. "That boy didn't say anything to you, did he?"
"No." It still amazed me how quickly Finn had gone from being his sons boyfriend and potential stepson to just being 'that boy'. I guess I can see where I get my grudge holding abilities from. "Finn didn't say anything at all to me. It was like I didn't even exist."
"He didn't do anything else, did he? No one's picking on you?"
No more so then usual. "Vocal Adrenaline is terrorizing us, but it's not me personally, just the entire club. They're trying to put us in a funk." He gave me a blank look and I tried to clarify. Think Finn and the terms he uses "They're trying to psych us out. It's a pissing contest."
"Ah. Well, are you going to fight back? You gotta let them know that they aren't getting to you."
"Probably not. There's no fighting back against Vocal Adrenaline. It's like a tadpole taking on a shark." Sometimes it's just better to let things go. Vocal Adrenaline was better then us, period. If my high school career thus far had taught me nothing else, it was that laying low and appearing as nonthreatening as possible was preferable standing up for yourself and getting your face punched in.
"Ah, come on. You have to fight back." For the first time all day, Dad was actually interested in me and what I was doing. "You have to do something."
Ok, I could play along with this. "Like what? That school has tighter security then Fort Knox, especially around the Glee club. This is kind of an impossible situation."
"No such thing." Dad gestured with his fork as he spoke. "Now, what about…."
The next two hours were spent with increasingly silly suggestions of what we could do. None of them were actually feasible, but it was nice to be on the same side as my father for once, instead of being strangers bound by DNA.
It was a fun way to work out some of our aggression, without being serious. After all, who would actually do something that foolish?
Turns out, Finn and Puck were the ones who would do something that foolish. While Dad and I had been joking last night, he and Puck had been out slashing tires. So that was what their little mental conversation had been about in Glee the other day. I would expect this out of Puck, but I couldn't believe that he had drug Finn along for the ride.
Not that I cared, obviously. Finn was his own man and living his own life. If he wanted to make stupid decisions with that life, so be it. I only cared because what hurt Finn and Puck, hurt the team, too.
And the team was certainly on the verge of being hurt. The total cost of what they had destroyed was astronomical, enough so that their prank could be considered a felony, rather then typical teenage stupidity.
As much as I hated to admit it, there was a part of me that couldn't help but admire him. The rest of us had moped, and whined, and talked a big game, but Finn and Puck had actually struck back and defended out clubs honor. They had done it like a pair of idiots, but at least they had done something.
Much to my surprise, Shelby Corcoran actually stood up for them, and convinced Figgins not to expel them both. I'm pretty sure that expulsion was an empty threat, since the crime hadn't occurred on school property, but it was still kind of her. The end result was that they both had to get jobs to pay for the damages. Way too light, in my opinion, but the rack would be way too light in my opinion. Sorry, Puckerman, I'm going to punish you right along with your idiot best friend.
Again, Finn failed to so much as look at me during school hours. I didn't particularly want to hear his lame apology, but I at least wanted to see him try. To know that he felt terrible about what had happened, just as terrible as I did. If he was willing to make the first move, I could apologize for what I had said and we could…..do what exactly? Did I want Finn back? Could I take him back? Did he want me, even a little bit?
Does it matter? You need to worry about yourself and what you want before you even look at Finn. His feelings don't matter right now. What matters is you and your feelings. Sort them out, and then worry about what Finn wants.
As much as I hated her sometimes, I had to admit that Galinda had a point. My thoughts and feelings were in a tangled knot, and I had to figure them out before I could move on.
Everything was so unsettled, though, that it was hard to do. It wasn't just for me, either. Today was Glee practice, but it was cancelled do to Finn and Puck being at their new jobs. Normally, Coach Sylvester would step in and demand that we practice with the Cheerio's until dark. But that didn't happen today. She had zeroed in on Mr. Shuester instead. This wasn't entirely abnormal. She's been targeting him on and off (mostly on) all year long, but this felt different. Usually there was a sense that he was just a toy to her, something she played with when she felt like it, and would eventually break when she was finished with it. But now the balance of power had shifted, and suddenly he was the one in charge. It was disturbing to say the least. In the space of a week, my entire life had rearranged itself, and I just mentally couldn't keep up.
Dad was still at work when I got home, so I grabbed a quick snack and went downstairs to practice my song. Mercedes would help me with the choreography, but I needed to be clear on the vocals. This was a song about power and being strong, no matter what was happening around me.
The song wasn't an easy one for my vocal range. I could hit the notes with ease, but my voice tends to be soft and airy, and I needed hard and gritty for this one. It took quite a bit of work, and reaching into some places I didn't know I had, but I was finally able to get it.
"That's a little dark, Kurt." The voice was unexpectedly close, and I couldn't help but give a startled shriek.
"Sorry." Mercedes came down the rest of the stairs, giving me a quick hug. "But I'm not quite sure if that song qualifies as funk."
"It doesn't have to be funk. The assignment was regrets, and that's what the song is about. The group number is going to be a funk one, not the individual ones." I wasn't giving up on this one, not after the amount of work I had already put in.
"If you say so. Do you have an outfit in mind?"
Did I ever not have an outfit in mind? "Leather. I have the perfect pair of pants."
Her face told me that she thought I was being stupid, but she had the grace not to say it. "Go put them on while I YouTube this one. It will probably give me some ideas."
I dressed quickly. This was actually pretty exciting for me. I almost never got solos, and certainly never ones like this. I had to prove that I could do this on my own, without the teachers help.
Mercedes really has an eye for movement, and she easily blocked me out. "So, the music video has her destroying the guys stuff. Do you want to use props?"
I sat down on the bed. "Are you really asking me if I went on a rampage and ruined all of Finn's stuff?"
She had the grace to look embarrassed. "Yeah. Did you?"
"Not all of it." Because she was my best friend, I felt like I had to clarify. "I did go after some of it, though. I feel bad about it now, because those weren't my things to ruin. Carole came and got the rest of his stuff the next day, and I kept a few little keepsakes."
"So no lighting his stuff on fire in front of him?"
She smiled at me, and I had to smile back. "No, none of that. I think the lyrics speak for themselves."
"Fair enough. Now do it again. Look angrier." She pushed me back upright. "Come on now. I want you to do well, and I want everyone to know that I made up your choreography. When you look good, I look good. Now go!"
When had Mercedes turned into Coach Sylvester? Not that I wasn't proud of her, because I was. She was pushing me, yes, but she also had a great eye for what I could realistically do, instead of just hurtling me forward and hoping for the best like Coach Sylvester liked to do.
"Good. That was a lot better. Now do it one more time."
One more time turned out to be ten more times, but I didn't want to stop. I had to be flawless this time. I had to show the rest of the group what I could do, and, more importantly, show Finn that I was going to be fine without him.
I would have gladly kept going all night, but Mercedes had to be home by 10. I walked her out to her car, still chatting happily about the song and how well it was going to go over the next day. She got inside and paused for a second, clearly debated whether or not she should say what she was thinking. I nudged her arm. "Come on, you can tell me."
"He's still looking out for you, you know. Finn, I mean." She was tentative and unsure.
My fingernails bit into my palms as my hands clenched into fists. "He is?"
"Yeah. Santana told Mike that Brittany overheard Karofsky saying that Finn told him to leave you the fuck alone, whether he was there or not. He doesn't want anything to happen to you."
"I….I don't know what to say about that." My mind whirled.
"I just thought that you should know that he did that. See you tomorrow, Kurt" She closed the door and slowly drove away, leaving me standing there speechless.
Was that really true? Had Finn stood up for me against Karofsky and his goons? But why? Worry for my welfare, the same way he would worry about anyone else on the team? Pity because I couldn't take care of myself? Or did he have some lingering feelings for me?
Why does that surprise you? You still have feelings for him. Or do you think that Finn's incapable of the same emotions that you are? He's doing it because he still loves you, the same way you still love him. God, I'm going to get your heads out of your asses if it requires a crowbar!
I didn't know what to say to that, so I went with my basic response of doing nothing. Maybe that wasn't the worst idea. I could back down from this stupid fight with Finn, and actually talk to him. Maybe we wouldn't get back together, but we could at least do something.
Yeeeeeessssss… Galinda was delighted with the turn my thoughts were taking. Come on…
No. I couldn't do any of that. Not only did I not have enough time to come up with something else, but I owed it to Mercedes. She had worked as hard at this as I had, and it wasn't fair to back out on her just because I was getting cold feet.
And you blew it. Good job, Kurt.
I could still change my mind, though. Right up until I sang the first note, I always had the ability to stand down and say that I didn't have a song to perform. No one would think twice about me deciding not to sing a solo this week.
I worried all night and through the rest of the next day. There was no sign of Finn all day long. Was he sick? At the doctors again? Just hiding from all of us?
Since Mercedes had brought it up, I also kept an eye out for Karofsky and Azimio. I saw them several times, but each time they left me alone. Was it because of Finn, or just that I had become old news? It was impossible to say.
Wherever he had been earlier, Finn was back in time for Glee. He was sitting next to Rachel again, though not really looking at or interacting with her. He must have felt my eyes on him, because he looked over. Our eyes met for a brief second, before he immediately looked down. That meant he was guilty, right? He wasn't even able to hold my eyes.
Of course he's guilty. So are you. Quit playing the blame game.
Mr. Shue bounced in; looking happier then I had seen him in a while. No, not happy. Smug. Whatever he was up to, Mr. Shuester looked like the cat that had swallowed the canary. What in the world was he up to?
Whatever it was, he wasn't telling. He gestured to Quinn, telling her to take it away.
She stood, her shoulders back and her back straight. I couldn't help but be drawn to stare at her belly. It was both amazing and horrifying to think that she was growing a baby in there, and that she would be a mother before she was a high school graduate. Keeping the baby or not, there was no way for her to walk away from this one unscathed.
"For some of us, just simply getting to class takes a little bit longer. When you're pregnant, you're responsible for two lives, and you're walking down the hallway, oppressed by the man. Hearing people call you fat. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you have to stop and hold that precious life and say no."
Now, I'm not always Quinn Fabray's biggest fan, but I had to admire her guts. How she had managed to get a half dozen other pregnant girls (by the way? This is what abstinence only education gets you.). Plus, she had more power and depth to her singing then I would have given her credit for. For a girl who looked so fragile and sweet, she certainly knew how to sing the blues.
When she finished, my applause was genuine. Dancing is hard, and dancing with a 15 lb kettle ball strapped to your stomach sounded like my version of Hell. Mr. Shue nodded. "Fantastic job, Quinn. Does anyone else want to perform a solo?"
Mercedes gestured for me to stand up, but I was still unsure. What if I just made things worse? I snuck another glance at Finn, wondering if I should go through with it or not. He looked like he wanted to perform. But more importantly, he had leaned back and put his arm around the back of Rachel's chair. Our relationship wasn't even cold, and he was already crawling back to her.
Before he could ask to perform, I jumped up. "Mr. Shuester? I have a song to perform."
He gestured me down to the front. "Everyone give Kurt a round of applause. Let's go Kurt."
The minute the music started everyone sat up. My usual style was Broadway or lyrical pieces where I could show off my higher range and ability to hold a note. This song was all rough edges and broken hearts. I drew in a breath and started.
I was your guy, gave you my world
My everything
But you wouldn't see
I had your back
I backed you up
Whatever I did
Was never enough
Just you…you
That's all you ever thought about
You…you
No one matters like you do
What goes around comes around
You should know by now
But you never thought that I could break you
Did you think that I would look the other way?
Yeah you had it all figured out
But tell me who's the one crying now
I had to focus on my feet and not humiliating myself by running into something or tripping over air. But I was able to sneak a quick glance at Finn. He wasn't stony faced now. He was getting called out and he knew it. But he didn't look angry either. He just looked sad.
But I couldn't let that make me falter. I had done this, and I was seeing it through to the end.
The palm of your hand, that was your plan
Gave me no time but now you want mine
It's all about take, you took too much
Nothing inside, I'm all used up
Come on.
You…you
Nothing else matters like you do
You know what I'm talking about
Don't you?
What goes around comes around
You should know that by now
Bet you never thought that I could break you
Did you think I would look the other way?
Yeah you had it all figured out
But tell me whos the one whos crying now?
All your one night stands
Say she's just a friend
Are you satisfied now?
Cause you can't hold me down
Now I want to thank you
Cause now I'm free
I can breathe again
And I'm never going back to you
Bet you never thought that I could break you
Did you think I would look the other way?
Yeah you had it all figured out
But tell me whos the one whos crying now?
Bet you never thought that I could break you
Did you think I would look the other way?
Yeah you had it all figured out
But tell me whos the one whos crying now?
I was out of breath when I finished, but it had been worth it. As much as I loved my other songs, I didn't always have the experiences to back them up. There's more to music then technique and hitting the right notes. You have to have something to play off of, and my emotions shone through clear as day.
Everyone erupted into cheers, and I would be lying if I didn't say that it felt good. I had worked hard, and I deserved some recognition. And if I was getting back at Finn at the same time? All the better.
At least until I looked Finn in the face. If he had been angry and accusing like he had in the basement that night, I could have handled it. Even if he had told everyone the entire truth about what had happened, it would have been ok.
But the hurt look took me aback. Wasn't he as angry as I was? Didn't he want to take some revenge? His body was turned from me, effectively shutting me out, but his eyes never wavered. It was like I had kicked a puppy right after stomping through a field of kittens.
That look haunted me as I retook my seat. I had done exactly what I set out to do. I had told Finn off in a rather spectacular way, and I had earned the admiration of the Glee club while I was doing it. Everything had gone perfectly, right down to my smallest movements.
So why didn't I feel good?