I hang up the phone and take another sip of my coffee. I glance over at the now empty space on the kitchen shelf where I have kept the box with Martha's ashes since her final trip home. For the first time I don't feel the anger or pain to which I have grown accustomed. There aren't too many other emotions I fully associate with this cabin other than those two. Sometimes there is guilt and if I am honest with myself there have been others such as sadness, loneliness and even self-pity, if I am being particularly weak. None of these feelings were what the cabin had originally been built for but they had resided here none-the-less.

Building the cabin had been a labor of love for Martha, for both of us really. It was supposed to be a place to grow old together, full of happiness and laughter. I hadn't had a chance to complete it before Martha got so sick from the cancer treatments that I had to step back from it to care for her. I had no drive or desire to finish the work on it after she was gone. I hadn't seen the point. Perhaps because I allowed this home to be frozen in time, I had remained that way too. I hate to think of it as wallowing, but maybe that's what I've been doing.

I look at the phone recalling my conversation with Vic. She triggers different emotions than those that have lingered around my home the last several years: joy, hope and something else. In some ways I know I have been avoiding her because of them. I didn't think I deserved those things after the way I had let Martha, Cady, Henry, Branch and so many other people down. Besides, my feelings for Vic have been so deeply twisted up with guilt and shame that I almost couldn't recognize them. When they did erupt to the surface I pushed them back down and wouldn't allow myself to fully embrace them because in my mind they were wrong. I couldn't be in love with Vic, for so many reasons.

This morning I admitted something to her that I haven't admitted to anyone since Martha's passing, that I can't do it on my own anymore. I need someone. Both Henry and Cady had tried to be there for me, even when I wouldn't let them. Henry was steadfast and when I pushed, he pushed back. I have always known my his best friend wasn't going anywhere, but I had almost lost my daughter because of my unwillingness to let her be there to support me. I am so thankful I stopped shutting her out before I had completely driven her away. Even so, I realized last night that they aren't enough. Neither thoughts of Henry nor Cady had kept me from trying to track down the men behind my wife's murder and killing them. I love those two with a fierceness that is uncompromising, but I had rationalized leaving them to carry on without me in the name of what...justice...revenge? Vic was the only one who was able to bring me back from the edge of the cliff I was hell bent on driving over.

I shake my head in disbelief. Everything has been so out of balance in my life. I almost lost the two most important people in the world to me and there I was willing to risk losing them a second time. How misguided is that? But all it took was knowing that Vic was staying to put the world back on track. Hope replaced doubt. Faith replaced fear.

I know I crossed over the line with Vic after she told me about the divorce. I shouldn't have touched her like I did. All those times I wanted to reach out and pull her into my arms but didn't took over and caused me to close the distance between the two of us almost before I realized what I was doing. It had seemed the most natural thing in the world to move close and nuzzle her neck. It was the exact thing I had wanted to do in the hospital after she had been held hostage, to bury my face in her hair and whisper in her ear that it was going to be all right because we had each other to hold onto. When I walked her out to her truck it was all I could do to keep from opening the tailgate, lifting her onto the bed of the pickup, and having my way with her. I knew that if I kissed her it would be impossible to keep from doing just that so I showed restraint, only allowing myself a hug and nothing more. I had crossed over a line, but I simply didn't care about that. I will make sure it doesn't happen again until Vic's divorce is final but I am no longer going to punish myself for either things done or left undone. I am going to stop living in the past and embrace the present.