Disclaimer: I'm not Cassandra Clare thus own none of her amazing characters.

I apologise for any OOC elements or mistakes.

["Again, the message is written in that type of format."]

CHAPTER 06 – His Last Words

ALEC

Day 2. ~Noon ~early afternoon.

Somehow he reached Brooklyn. He had put on a glamour rune, let his hood and hair shield his face from any supernatural eyes and made his way there in a daze, fighting to keep his mind blank, blocking every thought, focusing on breathing. His feet just took him there. He blocked that thought out too.

'Breathe.'

The fact that he knew the way there by heart…

'Breathe.'

How he…

'BREATHE!' his inner voice screamed.

He gasped and looked up. He had arrived at their– 'No…' Alec bitterly corrected himself. 'Magnus' home.' "Just a little more…" he muttered and slowly took the key out to unlock the front door for the last time. Memories from all the times he'd been there before flooded his mind, and he started shaking, dropping the key. Breathing deeply, fighting to hold on, he retrieved it and managed to open the door, but another ordeal awaited him. Gluing his eyes to the floor, he started going up the rickety stairs where…

'Where me and Mag– NO! Don't think, don't think, don't think!'

Another step, and another… He was almost there.

'Breathe, don't think, breathe…'

Finally, having reached the apartment's door, he raised his eyes.

'Breathe…'

A sob fell from his lips. 'Breathe, by the Angel, breathe!' The voice in his head ordered, but it was no use.

'I will never see this again… I… will nev– STOP IT! BREATHE!' he did; momentary blocking all thoughts and managed to unlock the door, but didn't enter the house. He was still clinging to the last shreds of self-control he had left, when a thought crossed his mind. He took out his phone and set an alarm two hours ahead. "I can't subject him into seeing me again…" he whispered in a broken voice thick with tears.

The alarm was a fail-safe he knew he was bound to need… It was to help pull him out of the grief-induced haze he was about to enter. It took all of his strength to not fall apart now, and he wasn't even inside the loft yet… When he did enter he knew he was going to be reduced to a crying mess once more. Bracing for the impact, he finally let himself in, looking down, and closed the door behind him leaning against it. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, but immediately regretted it. His scent was everywhere around him. Sandalwood and burned sugar, and… and, Magnus… His next breath came out as a whimper, and he slumped to the floor sobbing. A ball of fluff jumped on him and he hugged the cat to his chest, apologising and whispering. "I will never see him again… Never touch him… I'll never come back here again… Never… Never… Never…" he chanted, weeping. He hugged the kitty closer his chest and allowed himself to break down one last time. At some point, he passed out from exhaustion, only to woke up with a jolt two hours later, as the alarm went off.

He was thankful for it, because if it hadn't woken him up, Magnus could have returned and found him there, but he also hated it for the same reason… 'No… I won't cause him more trouble…' He thought, fresh tears falling from his blue eyes, petting the cat who looked at him worriedly, and while new sobs rose to his throat, whispered, "I'm sorry… This is Goodbye…I'm sorry… For all I did to him… I only caused him pain… I'm sorry… So sorry…" His voice broke and he gently put the kitten down and struggled to his feet. Crying for so long had allowed him to vent out his sorrow a little and maintain some self-control. Breathing deeply, he moved to the counter, and left the key. He knew he already sent him a message, but he needed to write something more too. This would be his last words to him anyway… He had to make them count. He took pen and paper and started writing:

"I'm sorry if the others bother you, but please just ignore them, don't tell them what happened… I'm sorry…"

First he completed the small note to get it out of the way in case Magnus had ignored his text message. He hated to repeat himself, possibly annoying the Warlock further, but it was important. They shouldn't look for him… 'And now to the hard part…' He took a deep breath, trying in vain to steady his trembling hands and started writing all those things he could no longer say to his beloved Warlock.

"I'm sorry… I fail you once more. Surprise. I bet you never expected anything else… You were right to. All I ever do is let down the people I love. First Max, then you… I let down everyone expecting things from me… My father, the Clave, even my siblings… Anyway… I know you don't care for my petty problems, as you are right to… I know you must be disgusted by me..."

His throat quivered with convulsive sobs which took over his body, but he kept on writing.

"…and of course I don't blame you… How could you not be…? I'm astonished you ever managed to feel anything but repulsion for me in the first place… Amazed, someone as beautiful as you, so much as turned to look at something like me… I'm sorry, I digress… The point is, I couldn't get the stuff. I wouldn't make it out in time and I didn't want to submit you into the ordeal of having to see my face ever again. I'm really sorry you still have to endure my selfishness. Just burn everything, or throw them away, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm sorry I couldn't do it, I'm not strong enough to step inside your room. I'm sorry I'm still causing you trouble. I'm sorry all I ever do is disappoint you… But most of all… I'm sorry I ruined everything and betrayed your trust… You were all that ever mattered to me…"

{'Well then, you have a grant way of showing it!'} The memory of the nightmare replayed in his mind, and he put the pen down for a minute, burying his face in his hands trying to calm down. 'Just a little more…' he urged himself. He was drowning in a flood of tears, but nevertheless, managed to go on.

"I know it doesn't matter to you now… And I don't expect to be forgiven. But I have to tell you. I'm sorry I hurt you… So sorry… I wish I had died before doing it… I know you must hate me and I don't blame you. I hate myself too… I just wanted to say one last thing, and then I will never bother you again as you wished. I love you. I always will, no matter what. I'm so sorry I could never show you properly, so sorry I could never be worthy of you. Thank you for everything. I'm sorry for all I did to you… So sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… So sorry… I'm sorry… I'm…"

He went on writing, by the end unable to see through his tears, and when the sobs wracked his body so hard and his hands shook so much he couldn't even hold the pen anymore, he dropped it and sank to the floor. The Chairman run to him once more and jumped on him, licking his face. The kitten's presence calmed him down a bit and he reached out to pet him, his sobs subsiding. And then he saw it, and another idea crossed his mind. He wobbled on his feet, letting the Chairman on the counter.

He took the Lightwood ring off his finger and placing it on the counter took hold of the pen again and wrote one last note. "Keep this. I'm not going to need it anymore. I wish I could have given it to you under different circumstances, but I'm not complaining, since I have no one to blame for that but myself… These are the last words you'll ever hear from me, I'll make sure you'll never be compelled to see me again. So, if you hate me too much, you can throw it away, there's no need to return it… I just hoped… No. It's not important, forget about it, I'm sorry. However, if you don't hate me, please, don't forget me too soon… I hope you can be happy at last. I love you. Goodbye…

Forever Yours, Alexander Gideon Lightwood."

He run a hand through his messy hair, heaving an exasperated sigh, through his never-ending tears. His thoughts were a jumbled mess. One moment he was convinced the Warlock hated him, and the other, he couldn't help but hope otherwise. "Not that it changes anything…" 'What point is there in hoping for anything? Hope is more cruel than despair…' he momentary dismissed both positive and negative thoughts, and looked around one last time, taking in his surroundings. 'That place where I once belonged…' "I'll never see any of it again…"

'Breathe!'

He walked to the door and opened it with trembling hands. "I'm sorry…" he said one last time to no one in particular and rushed outside blocking all thoughts of first kisses, and creaky stairs and first dates. The sun was going down by the time he made it to the street, breathing slowly trying in vain to steady the trembling that overtook his body.

Afternote: I really hope you liked it! Please let me know even if you didn't! (Especially then, so I can improve it.) I will probably post the next part Friday night, or Saturday.

{The last paragraph contains a reference to the Bane Chronicles' story "The Course of True Love [and First Dates]" If you haven't read it yet, you should! It's amazing!}