Disclaimer: I'm not Cassandra Clare thus own none of her beautiful characters.
Warning (?): Contains more drinking
CHAPTER 11 – Confessions
Note: Dear Guest, thank you for your review! I was actually thinking of using that song later if I can make it fit in! :) {Considering the "October & April" song, I was thinking about the part talking about doomed love that's why I said it was salt on his wounds}
"It would make me really glad… To know I'm not dead in your heart…"
Previously: "I know you don't believe it, but it's gonna be alright…""You are right…" the girl beamed; "I don't believe it… nothing… will be alright, ever again…"
Her face fell, but a look of determination instantly replaced her frown. "Okay; that's it. Sit down." she ordered in a fierce tone of voice that allowed no objections, and he obeyed hastily. "Normally, I wouldn't say something like that to a Shadowhunter, because I know they certainly wouldn't care…" she began and he looked up surprised "But I know now, you aren't a typical Shadowhunter. You are really kind." again he made a protesting face at that and she smiled sweetly ignoring it. "So please bear with me and listen what I have to say…" he nodded wondering where this was headed. "I'm sure you already guessed that, but I am not as old as I look… I was a parent once… He wasn't my blood child ofcourse, but I couldn't have loved him more if he was… That was a very long time ago…So as you can tell, I know a thing or two about pain…" "I'm sorry…" he said sadly "Thank you sweetie, but I didn't tell this to you so you could feel bad…" she smiled "I just wanted to say, "look at me". Sure, you found me in a bar drinking…" she winked "But I am alive, I am here. Please don't give up… There is always someone out there who loves you… Parents, siblings maybe…" [she really hoped he wasn't an orphan, because then her plan would crumble awkwardly to the ground.]
He nodded absently, looking down. "But… but…" he looked up at her, unshed tears gleaming in his eyes "The one that really matters hates me… Could you bear it if he had hated you?" she looked taken aback "If he was alive, yes…" She didn't mean to hurt him with her words, they just slipped before she could think about it. Alec hid his face in his hands "I'm so sorry… I didn't mean to…" she cut him off, placing a hand on his shoulder. He didn't flinch this time. "It's okay…" she said softly and taking a deep breath he looked at her once more. "I am grateful… But I am not strong… I can't do it… I can't live without him…"
She didn't know what to say to make him feel better, so she just conjured more drinks for both of them. "Thanks." he said sipping at it. "Can I… ask you a question? It's personal and I'm sorry in advance, but there's no one else I can ask." she stared in question "Sure" "Except for your son, have you loved anyone else that was not immortal? Since you live forever, all of us must seem so… so trivial…" his voice broke at the end, as if that simple, small word concealed a much greater hurt "so fleeting… and unimportant… Don't Warlocks feel like that?"
"Alexander." he flinched and paled, biting his lip to hold back the tears already threatening to surface; "No… Please… Don't… call me that…" "I'm sorry. Alec… No. Warlocks do not feel like that… Immortality may seem like a gift at first, but once you love someone doomed to die, you realise it's nothing but a curse. Sure, there are those who shield their hearts and just treat people as a passing fancy, but it's only so they won't be hurt when said mortals abandon them or die. Most of the times the first happens… Not many people can sincerely love a Warlock… We are 'demons', 'monsters' and 'abominations' to them… Only good when our magic is needed…" Her voice wavered a bit, but she kept her calm, as if speaking of a hurt long ago, that still stung, but had no actual power over her anymore.
"I'm really sorry…" whispered Alec sadly "Humans are the worst monsters sometimes… And even though it's not your fault, that answers my question… I understand… It was my fault… I should never have loved a being so far above me…" To hear one of the Angel's children talk like that, surprised her more than anything ever had in her life. She conjured another drink that he downed in one sip "Thank you." "Are you sure you are a Shadowhunter? In my experience, Nephilim believe they are above all, and everyone should be pleased to be granted the honour of serving them…" "Maybe I should have been like that…" he said, not believing it himself. Even if it would stop the pain, he would never give away even one moment spent with Magnus. "That would have been such a waste." she retorted "You are probably one of a kind." he scoffed. "Thank the Angel for that. If there were more, Raziel would probably descent to the Earth and smite us himself…" He said bitterly. She raised an eyebrow. "For what? Being kind?" "I'm not kind… I'm weak and trivial…" again he strained to say that word, wincing as he did.
'You are not trivial.' a mirthless short laugh fell from his lips at the memory; 'Yeah right…' he thought and brought a hand over his eyes, his heart breaking all over again. 'If I'm not trivial, why aren't you here with me now? Why did you cast me away so easily?'
"I'm sorry. I'm sure you have better things to do than listen to a brat whimpering over seemingly nothing… I understand the way I must look to you… But…" he looked at her, his eyes pleading her to understand. "Shadowhunters love deeply and most times, only once in their lives, and dedicate themselves to that love… I'm not overreacting… There will be no other for me. Wouldn't you be devastated, if you lost the love of your life; if your life was destroyed, not by fate's cruel touch but by your own incompetence and stupidity? How am I supposed to live with myself?" he whimpered, his control slipping. He lowered his hand to search for the glass he left on the table and reached for it. Underage or not, he really needed that drink, so she obliged without being asked. "Thanks." he said again, sipping at the drink slower this time "Huh. This is nice… It's making me feel a bit better…" he added, tangling the glass in his slender fingers and staring at it absentmindedly "but I think it's also making me a bit annoying… Sorry… I don't think I'd normally say all that stuff to anyone… Or maybe it's because you remind me of my little sister…" he took another sip and looked at her uncertainly "Maybe I should go…" "Got something better to do?" 'Wallow in despair in a dark corner unseen.' "Kinda… But anyway, I'm sure you do…" "Nah… I actually enjoy your company…" He looked at her like she had just told him the sky was red or something, and asked incredulously. "What?" she shook her head, "You should believe in yourself a bit more…" He just averted his gaze, saying nothing.
"Well… Anyway, if you want, I can punch the living daylights out of the source of your sorrow, and make him see sense." she smiled widely at him and he couldn't help but smile back. "Here's my card." she added, conjuring one out of thin air. "I can do that, totally free of charge, it'd be my pleasure to hit someone who made such a sweet child sad." Her kindness touched him, penetrating the layers of sorrow over his heart. "You are the sweet one" he smiled shyly at her "And kind… you don't even know me, and yet you are being so nice to a nuisance like me…" he finished his words sobering up again, his smile gone as his eyes became distant with a passing memory. "Child… You are not a nuisance…" she said squeezing his shoulder gently "You are one of the kindest people I've ever met… Please, don't do anything reckless….." Alec looked really taken aback for a second, and then dropped his eyes to the floor. "I told you…" he said quietly "I'm not kind or anything like that. I'm just weak. That weakness of mine invited this current reality…" and then he added in a strained, broken whisper "All I am.. is a disappointment.." she was stunned into silence, not for the first time that night, unable to believe how could he be so kind to strangers, yet at the same time so cruel to himself.
The Nephilim went on, answering her previous rhetorical question; "I wouldn't want him harmed in any way though… I did enough already… However…" he allowed a soft smile to grace his lips "I would love it if there was a way to bring someone back to life so I can kill them again… I missed my chance the first time…" "Ah, there it is. There is some Shadowhunter left in you." she giggled, happy to see him looking a little better "It can be done actually, but I assure you, the price isn't worth it." He smiled absently in response; "I figured as much…"
Shaking his head he looked up once more to the red eyes studying him, and pushed away the memory of the eyes he really longed to see. "Thank you for all your help. I am sorry for the trouble. I will return, if…– No, nevermind. I'm sorry, Goodbye." And with these words he turned and ran away before Niennor could say another word. She was aware of what he almost said. "If I survive…"
She really wished he did.
"Magnus…" She whispered to herself once the boy was out of sight. "What have you done this time?"
That's it for now! Did you like it? Please let me know! :) Sorry there was no Magnus in it! On the next chapter I'll get back to him!