Disclaimer: I'm not Cassandra Clare thus own none of her tortured characters.

CHAPTER 12 – Memories and Wounds

"The overflowing tears aren't from feebleness or remorse. They're fragments born from agony."

ALEC

There wasn't a single cloud on the night sky. He looked up and sighed seeing the full moon. It was so beautiful, and he wished they could have seen it together… A sob rose in his throat. Such a beautiful night… Life around him was going on. 'Why?' he wondered 'Why is the world still the same?' The sky wasn't reflecting his grief, the hectic world just went on, not caring that his life was shattered for the second time in such a short while…

As he walked, a car passed him by and then stopped at a traffic light and he froze as he heard the song echoing from its speakers. (Savin' Me.)

"But I'm not worth saving… And even if I scream for him, he won't come. My voice can't reach him anymore." He looked up at the tall buildings, pondering "Maybe I should fall… and rid everyone of my presence at last…" then Niennor's words came to his mind and he sighed "Maybe in three days…"

He kept strolling through the streets, not caring but only vaguely registering where he was going, his blue eyes unseeing. 'It hurts…' Speaking with Niennor had dulled his pain a little bit, but only temporarily. Through the 'song torture' at the bar, she had attempted to comfort him; and that meant a lot. She had made him feel like he wasn't a total waste of space. He was baffled by her demeanor. Even more so, because he was certain Shadowhunters must have wronged her in the past (to put it mildly), and yet, she treated him like he wasn't a monster, an enemy, an abomination, but someone to be cared for… But that was then. Now he was alone with his thoughts again 'All alone…' and everything came crushing back. The self-loathing, the guilt, the pain…

Changing the course of his thoughts, he reflected on his conversation with the girl. 'Do I really want to go through with this?' the voice of reason asked, but was drowned away by the sorrowful one of despair. 'Everyone would be happier if I never existed… Even if Magnus hates me now and doesn't care, if he were to forget me, he'd go back to being happy, as he was before he met me… Maybe I shouldn't take the easy way out… But… I've been the responsible one all my life… Give me a break… Don't I deserve to be reckless for once? To do the wrong thing without caring for the consequences? What does it matter? I don't even have a home to return to, anymore… A house, maybe… But no home. The Only place that felt like home is lost to me now along with the one who made my life happy…'

'I don't want to return to the Institute anyway… Can't bear to face them… To answer their questions while pretending not to see the pity in their eyes, and then hear them say he's not worth it… No… I am the one who was never worth it. Magnus… At least if I'm forgotten I won't be hated by him anymore… And he'll be happy again… That's all that matters… All I did was bring him troubles and unhappiness. What's worse, he almost got killed because of me many times… If Magnus had died… If Magnus had died, because of me… All tortures of Hell wouldn't have been enough to wash away my crime. I put him in harm's way and couldn't even protect him. Not from the dangers of the world, or the demons, the monsters. And neither from the greatest evil of all. Me.'

"Tears aren't the end of your sins. You have to bear them painfully, forever."

His thoughts swirled around in his head, getting repeated as he weighted everything before deciding. Even if being forgotten would kill him it didn't matter. 'As long as Magnus is happy and safe. Even if I'm left all alone with no home to return to. After all… I'm not looking for a solution to my problems… I had a taste of Paradise, and I will never forgive myself for ruining everything.'

"This pain is all right with me."

'This time the only thing I will win is emptiness… All I can do is watch, as the shards of memories will disappear one by one, erasing me from this world. 'Maybe once he forgets me, I can visit him one more time…' "I want to see him…" he whimpered, his thoughts escaping his lips 'No.' Again the voice of reason took control 'If you see him and he doesn't know you it will shatter you.' "How much worse can things get?" he only whispered and kept walking.

He kept walking, and walking, with his head down, not caring where he was going, his eyes unseeing, vaguely registering where he was headed, mainly thinking about Magnus, the soon-to-be-forfeit memories, about all that happened… A bell tolling, marking the passing of the hours snapped him out of his reverie and he muttered "Where the Angel am I going?" looking up. He didn't realise where he was at first, his mind still clouded from alcohol and thoughts of the Warlock, until he looked across the street from where his feet had taken him and blanched. If the bell hadn't 'woken him up' he would have crossed the road heading to Magnus' apartment. And then what? 'Maybe I could…' he dared think. 'No. He made it clear he didn't want to see me again, so I shouldn't bother him… I want to make him understand… but I have no excuse. I left the notes telling him all I wanted already. If he wanted me, he would have done something. How much further can I make it, with only these fleeting hopes to carry me?' He shook his head. 'I should face it. Who in their right mind would want me? My perfect Warlock… He must have been insane… And now that's he's back on his senses, all that's left for me is to finally disappear…' with that he turned his back and started running.

"Who are you waiting for in the maze of emotions, Where you can't even see the exit?"

MAGNUS

An hour ago…

Magnus couldn't take it anymore… As if blaming himself wasn't enough, that infernal song came up, accusing him too, ("What have you done"). He shot up screaming, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" and clicking his fingers, he blew up the sound system effectively silencing it, and stormed out.

"We live for each other, can you hear me starting to scream?"

If he wasn't running so fast while passing by a crimson booth, he may have noticed the boy curled up in the tall chair, desperately trying to shut the world out. But he was, and everything around him was just a blur.

"What do you want to run from? This thing called 'reality'?"

Just as he banged the bar's door behind him, he thought he heard Alec's voice 'No… It can't be, he wouldn't be here… It was just my imagination…' Collapsing against the wall, he took a deep breath to calm down and sighed, letting his tears fall. Through bleary eyes he looked up and saw the full moon. Not knowing Alec would soon reflect on the same thing, he wished they could have seen it together… 'My Love… My Angel… Now that you're no longer a part of my life… What meaning does my existence hold…?'

"We live for each other, or have you forgotten in the middle of the night?"

Feeling exhausted, he made his way to Brooklyn even though he still didn't want to sleep alone at a house that he knew wouldn't feel like home anymore, without his Shadowhunter there. 'No… not mine… not anymore…' he mentally corrected himself suppressing the tears that threatened to appear again. His alcohol tolerance was very high, so he couldn't get drunk, but drinking had made him numb, easing his pain a little. Still, there was another feeling gnawing at his heart. Worry. Fear-even. 'Paranoia' he told himself but kept walking, quickening his step. 'What if…' "No!" he exclaimed scaring a stray cat on a nearby alley. He pushed all thoughts aside "Don't think, don't think, don't think." he chanted hurrying on.

Finally he reached his apartment and unlocked the front door overcome with anxiety, not knowing what he expected to see. The Chairman ran to him meowing sadly, but he was absent-minded and didn't even notice the cat. Not sparing the house a second glance he headed straight to his bedroom and taking a deep breath opened the door. Nothing was changed. One of Alec's sweaters was lying on a chair near the bed and he found himself walking towards it without even thinking. He clutched it on his chest and fell on his knees hiding his face in the tattered but soft fabric. There was still Alec's scent on it and this time he couldn't keep it together. "What have I done?" He fell on the floor, sobs wracking his body as he clung to the sweater like a lifeline.

"When you feel alone and your house is cold, I'll be there to offer solace and to keep you close…"

Trying to help, Chairman jumped on him, snuggling close and purring. It did help, and after a while he managed to calm down a little. And then it hit him again. The worry. Why had Alec asked him to ignore his family? Where was he? And why didn't he come? As if he read his thoughts, or maybe he said those things aloud, the kitten left his lap and moved to the door meowing persistently. Magnus didn't feel like moving. He just wanted to lie there on the floor hugging the sweater and inhaling his Angel's scent; to close his eyes and imagine everything that happened the last 30 hours was just a nightmare.

"When the sky turns black and you drown in tears, I will come to you…"

He closed his blurry eyes tired… But Chairman would have none of it. He kept meowing till Magnus, annoyed, but grateful for the distraction from the anguish he felt, got up reluctantly and followed the kitty outside. Meow went ahead, not waiting for him, and jumped on the table, meowing non-stop. He froze for a moment. He could see something shining on it, and knew immediately what it was. "Leave your key on the dining room table." the memory of his voice, so cold and indifferent, hit him, and he winced at the thought of Alec ever speaking to him in that tone, "How could I have been so cruel?" fresh tears fell from his eyes as he moved towards it hugging the sweater on his heart.

"All that I want is for you to be safe… I don't want to see even one tear on your eyes… We may be separated now… But my love will never die…"

His heart skipped a beat when he saw the key, and under it, three pieces of paper. With trembling hands he reached for the smaller note. The words were shaky and tearstained, and he felt a stab of pain in his heart just looking at Alec's handwriting.

"Be safe and well my love… And know, that when you ask for me I'll be there. I'll be your Guardian Angel…"

Steeling himself he took a deep breath and started reading…

That was a long one, huh. (compared to the others) I'm sorry it was so late! What did you think? Alec's part was really small at first, but I felt it needed something more, and then got carried away I guess… Sorry if it wasn't good, I certainly hope I'm not boring you by overdoing it! Please let me know! {Next update will be up, in 2-3 days tops! Probably sooner!}

Note: I'm very sorry for any mistakes, I confirmed the editing of the last part while i was on a bus and may have missed something :( I will recheck it when i go home...

Disclaimer: "The parts written on this format" are translated lyrics from the songs

1.'Shunkan Sentimental' by Scandal

2.'Again' by Yui

3.'Filakas Aggelos' (=Guardian Angel) by Giannis Kotsiras