Disclaimer: I'm not Cassandra Clare thus own none of her characters.

CHAPTER 13 – AngelHeart Fragments (My heart in your hands)

Previously: The words were shaky and tearstained, and he felt a stab of pain in his heart just looking at Alec's handwriting. Steeling himself he took a deep breath and started reading…

"I'm sorry if the others bother you, but please just ignore them, don't tell them what happened… I'm sorry…"

Worry pricked at his heart again.'Why? Where is he? What is he doing? Is he safe?' He shook his head to clear these thoughts away. He had to read the other notes too first. For all he knew, his blue-eyed Angel hated him now… Probably never wanted to see him again, and was just telling him kindly to stay away from his family. Surely he- … and then he saw it, and his thoughts fell out of line. Alec's ring, lying on top of the other two notes. With hands that trembled even worse than before, he took hold of the note and read:

"Keep this. I'm not going to need it anymore. I wish I could have given it to you under different circumstances, but I'm not complaining, since I have no one to blame for that but myself… "

"His ring? No way… why would he? That ring means… but… doesn't he… hate me now?"

"These are the last words you'll ever hear from me, I'll make sure you'll never be compelled to see me again. So, if you hate me too much, you can throw it away, there's no need to return it…"

"Hate you?" He muttered "But… But… I told you, I love you… I told you before…" 'Before heartlessly leaving him all alone in the Dark and Cold, where anything could have happened to him, after breaking his heart…' a voice in his head cruelly interjected 'Saying 'I love you' before couldn't exactly cover anything at this point. After all, 'It doesn't change anything.' you said it.'

"I just hoped… No. It's not important, forget about it, I'm sorry. However, if you don't hate me, please, don't forget me too soon… I hope you can be happy at last."

"How can I be happy without you? Forget you? Too soon? My stupid Nephilim… I would die before forgetting you…"

"I love you. Goodbye…

Forever Yours, Alexander Gideon Lightwood."

"He… He loves me…? He never hated me…? And the ring… That ring is too important to give away like that… My Alexander… After all I did, you still…"

He took off all the rings he wore on his long fingers and tossed them aside. Then, he to put the Lightwood one on and kissed it, tears gleaming in his gold-green eyes. 'I love you…'

He picked up the last note and gasped. It was in far worse condition than the second one.

"I'm sorry… I fail you once more. Surprise. I bet you never expected anything else… You were right to."

The ink here was so smudged from the tears that the next two sentences were barely readable.

"All I ever do is let down the people I love. First Max, then you… I let down everyone expecting things from me… My father, the Clave, even my siblings… Anyway… I know you don't care for my petty problems, as you are right to… I know you must be disgusted by me…"

the word 'disgusted' was almost faded too

"…and of course I don't blame you… How could you not be…? I'm astonished you ever managed to feel anything but repulsion for me in the first place… Amazed, someone as beautiful as you, so much as turned to look at something like me…I'm sorry, I digress…The point is, I couldn't get the stuff. I wouldn't make it out in time and I didn't want to submit you into the ordeal of having to see my face ever again."

"Disgusted? Repulsion? Ordeal?! Oh my Angel, how can you believe those things?"

"I'm really sorry you still have to endure my selfishness. Just burn everything, or throw them away, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm sorry I couldn't do it, I'm not strong enough to step inside your room. I'm sorry I'm still causing you trouble. I'm sorry all I ever do is disappoint you… But most of all… I'm sorry I ruined everything and betrayed your trust… You were all that ever mattered to me…"

'God, what did I do? "All that ever mattered"? Me? I was that important to him? I found him… After all these eons… After all this time of searching in vain, I found someone who sincerely loved me… Someone to whom I was important… And I cast him away…'

"I know it doesn't matter to you now… And I don't expect to be forgiven. But I have to tell you. I'm sorry I hurt you… So sorry… I wish I had died before doing it… I know you must hate me and I don't blame you. I hate myself too… I just wanted to say one last thing, and then I will never bother you again as you wished. I love you. I always will, no matter what. I'm so sorry I could never show you properly, so sorry I could never be worthy of you. Thank you for everything. I'm sorry for all I did to you… So sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… So sorry… I'm sorry… I'm…"

More smudges, and the phrase 'I will never bother you again as you wished.' could hardly be read too, since the boy's hand must have been trembling terribly when writing it. His heart broke at the sight. The words kept repeating getting more shaky and smudged till they could no longer be read. He stood there, clutching the letter in his hand crying silent tears when suddenly his phone rang making him jump. He took it out of his pocket to check who was calling. The screen read 'Niennor'. "Not now…" he muttered, hanging up, but then suddenly remembered the other message Alec had sent. Mentally slapping himself for forgetting, and hoping he could find some clue there to go on, opened it.

"Magnus… I know I do not deserve another second of your time…and I know you rightfully hate me now"

"I could NeVeR hate you!" he shouted exasperated, so upset he forgot that the Nephilim couldn't hear him.

"I never deserved you… I… I never had any right to even gaze at someone as radiant as you, to fly so close to the sun that you were… I never… Never… But my wings, like everything else on me,were shabby and flimsy, and couldn't take your radiance. I should have known something as lowly as I, shouldn't even try touching someone like you. I shouldn't have had the nerve, and I, and… It doesn't matter anymore. I deserve far worse than what you did. You should have killed me…You had every right. You… No. Actually… This is good. It is worse than Death, so much worse, and I deserve every second and more."

"No…" 'What did I do to him? How… How could I do that? My Angel, my sweet Angel. Worse than death? How can you say that? Was I... really that important to you?'

Overcome with guilt and anguish he fell on his knees sobbing. The pain he felt before was nothing compared to that. It hurt to believe he was betrayed by Alec; but to know that the Nephilim loved him and blamed himself for everything, hurt ten times more. To know that he put him through an ordeal 'worse than Death' was unbearable. 'I have to fix this… I will find you my Angel, if it's the last thing I do, and I'll spend the rest of my days making it up to you…'

Still, there was more, and Magnus, torn between his feelings of running after Alec and reading the rest of it, to find out what he had to say, kept on reading anxiously.

"You used to say I was an Angel, and you a Demon. You couldn't have been more wrong. You were an Angel who brought light in the darkness that was my life… I was the petty Demon, who destroyed everything by breaking your trust and hurting you. I know you probably won't even read this. You are right not to. I wasted enough of your time which I never deservedin the first place and I keep bothering you still. What I wanted to say is I am sorry. I know it is by far, not sufficient and I will not ask for your forgiveness because I know I do not deserve it…"

"Forgiveness? Where can I Begin to search for it? My Alec… What you don't deserve, is all I put you through…'

"I am sorry. More sorry than you could ever imagine. I just wanted you to know that. I am sorry for everything. For daring to even look at you. For the crime of hurting you… Heck. I am sorry for existing. I am sorry. I am sorry. So sorry…"

'Sorry for existing? Angel… No… I should have been the one to protect you, not drive you into thinking like that…'

His sobs choked him, the words playing on and on in his head. 'you must be disgusted' 'it doesn't matter anymore' 'wish I had died' 'I know you must hate me' 'I hate myself too.' 'I love you' 'I'm sorry for daring to even look at you.' 'I am sorry for existing.' 'I will never bother you again' He gasped and shot up. Everything clicked in place. "NO!" he screamed as realisation and in turn, horror hit him.

"No, no, no… He wouldn't…" "Wish I had died" The words echoed in his head once more. "No."

His hands were shaking excessively, but he managed to write down Alec's number and call him. Nothing. The phone was dead.

Frantic, he cast a tracking spell on the sweater he was still holding, but got no response. His breath caught and all colour drained from his face. "No… I refuse to believe it…" He muttered and ran outside in a frenzy. 'I have to find him…'

Hello, please forgive me for any mistakes, I can hardly see to correct them, I'm falling asleep xD I didn't want to keep you waiting longer! (I'll fix it again tomorrow) Also, I'm very sorry if this seems too repetitive…

*The Shadowhunters give away their family rings to the one they love in a similar fashion in which we give away rings proposing marriage.