Okay, here's the actual story. As a quick word, this story doesn't take itself quite so seriously as the original. In fact it is kind of a black comedy with tragic elements…? I probably ought to write the disclaimer as well now that we're into this self-serving A/N. I don't own Utawarerumono or Utawarerumono-like things, and I make no money from the writing of this story.

Vignette 1: "I should've majored in poli-sci."

It was a fine night like any other when I realized my crappy service industry job wouldn't get me far in life.

The realization dawned on me when I was loitering outside my low-end apartment doing nothing in particular, not even smoking, which in my opinion is what loiterers should do.

It was the realization that I'd spent the last four and a half of my years doing something stupid, and now I couldn't get that time back. Throughout college I'd ambled through life in a drunken frat boy haze, and suddenly reality happened.

Basically, I shouldn't have majored in music, is what I'm saying.

Do you know how many jobs there are for pianists in this city?

Fucking none.

My grandfather always told me he could only imagine me busing tables at a seedy back-alley restaurant making minimum wage, and he was right, for the most part, except most restaurant owners don't pay their waiters minimum wage because tips are supposed to subsidize that, but decent tips are few and far between. I didn't know that before I went into the real world. I didn't know anything, and I was also up to my ears in debt from student loans.

I needed a change in my life, and I needed it fast, because I was more or less starving. Feeling the chilly autumn breeze get to me, I finally entered my apartment and flopped down on the mattress that was supposed to be a bed but wasn't quite a bed because there was no frame. I rolled over and pressed my face against a tank on the floor, heated by a lantern right next to it. I tapped the glass, and my pet tortoise, Whipple, poked his head out of his hiding hut and yawned a tortoise yawn. He's named Whipple because whenever I try to hold him he lunges out at me like a whip and bites me, and then he hisses. He's easy to feed since he eats worms and strawberries, but the price of produce has been going up lately.

Whipple went back into his hut, and I rolled over yet again. My stomach growled, and a draft made me shiver. I didn't have a blanket. I had to pawn it off for food, which I was all out of, so now I was without food and a blanket.

I couldn't keep living like this. I needed to get out of this impoverished rut. I needed to pay off my loans. I needed to eat.

I got off the mattress and then stuffed my head under it. I've been fidgety as hell lately, and the only way I can think anymore is if I'm pretending to be an ostrich. Some people pace back and forth to come up with ideas; I stick my head in things. Different strokes for different folks.

And inspiration did come to me.

Okay, it wasn't exactly inspiration, but I remembered something my grandfather told me before I went off to college…

"College is useless," my grandfather grunted. "Its only purpose is to make worthless youth like you feel good about themselves. Now the army, that's a real profession for real men. I've been in many wars myself. I'm the manliest man who ever manned now. And it pays, too. There is nothing more prideful than laying down your life for your country, like I almost did once in the Battle of…"

"I know, I know," I sighed, handing in my registration papers. "You've told me that a million times before."

It was a beautiful day in Kunnekamun City, and a long line of young men trailed behind me, decked out in military regalia and shooting me nasty, impatient looks as I spoke to him.

I squinted past him and stared at the lake up ahead. There was an island smack dab in the middle, with a large building on it. The only way to get inside was the heavily guarded front bridge, and a few men marched to and fro on it, spears slung across their backs.

The palace.

It was a while since I was last in the loathsome place.

When my parents died, my little sister and I went to live with our grandfather in the country of Kunnekamun's central palace, where the Emperor lived and most government work was taken care of. He was a big deal in Kunnekamun—the Emperor's bodyguard and occasional advisor. It was easy to see why, since my grandfather was freaking terrifying; a giant, old coot all piss and vinegar with a menacing patch slung across his eye. He was bigger than me, bigger than most everybody, a native from the distant country of Evinkuruga what with his feathered ears as opposed to my long, lapine ones. He didn't have an ounce of softness in him. I guess it's safe to say that I never thought of him much as a grandfather. As long as I can remember, I've always addressed him by his name, Genjimaru, or "Sir."

We don't get along very well.

It's part of the reason why I went to college. As soon as I graduated high school at sixteen I high-tailed it out of the grasp of his authority and set out on my own, resolute to pursue my music and never have to deal with him again.

And with the way the brand new fibers of my military private uniform scratched the nape of the neck and with the sign leaning against the registration desk reading "ROYAL ARMY RECRUIT CHECK-IN HERE" in gaudy red paint, did I realize how far I had fallen and how magnificently I had failed in that goal.

"What are you gawkin' at, boy?" grunted Genjimaru, breaking me out of my stupor.

I shook my head and stuttered out something in reply. "I, uh, nothing."

"College made you dumber, you know that?"

"I…"

"What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Well, I heard," I started nervously, breaking eye contact with him. "I heard that there's a program that in exchange for military service, the government would help pay off part of my college debt…"

"Oh. I see." He scratched his neck beard. "So you can't get a bloody job." He rolled his eye at me in disapproval. "You won't even make it one day, boy. You wanna know why that is?"

I shifted a bit and stuttered something stupid.

"Well?"

"W-Why is that, sir?"

"Because you don't have your heart in it! You're just here for your own selfish gain, thinking this is a good alternative to the fact you can't make a proper career choice. People like you make me sick."

"I won't quit on the first day!" I snapped.

"All red in the face already, aren't ya? Don't be getting your hopes up. You won't even make it through the first obstacle course. But don't stall the other recruits with your presence. Get on over to the barracks, boy, and report to the sergeant under your mark. Your barracks room number is 102-B."

"Insufferable old bastard," I muttered under my breath as I snaked my way toward the palace. Suddenly, someone's hand clapped across my shoulder, and I span around, only to bump into a lean-faced black-haired young man, of average height and shaking his head at me. He rubbed his nose where I'd bumped into it, and the badge on his collar that indicated he was one rank higher than me flashed in the sunlight.

"You can't get angry, here," he told me matter-of-factly. "This is the army, mate. Your opinions don't matter."

"Thanks," I replied, voice poisoned with sarcasm. "Like I didn't know that before." I carried on ahead of him, but he caught up to me.

"No, really," he huffed. "Genjimaru's right. If you can't handle a little criticism, you're never going to make it here. Be firm and resolute, but don't get ahead of yourself. Admittedly, he IS kind of a bastard, but he knows what he's doing. Not trying to belittle you or anything, but I was a lot like you and fired my mouth off in front of him… nearly got my ass court-martialed on the first day!" He chuckled and gave me a knowing look. "Boot camp's damn brutal. You don't want to get on Genjimaru's bad side."

"I'm already on his bad side."

He flicked his ears and gave me a funny look. "Oh, come on. He's not that much of a stick in the mud. He gives everyone a second chance."

"No, really, I…" I sped up even more, trying to lose him, but he kept pace with me.

"Now, I may or may not have overheard your conversation, but many people join the army for college compensation and a steady job and stuff. He's just teasing. Really, the only way he'd dislike you is if you've already known him for years…"

"I have," I huffed. I wasn't very good at dealing with people. One minute into meeting my first connection, and I was already making a terrible impression. "I'm his grandson."

He stopped for a moment, and then he started laughing. Like, hard. He staggered up to me and leaned against my shoulder once more, as though I was the funniest damn thing in the world. "Oh," he gasped with mirth, "Ohhhhh my god. You must be Hien, then!"

"I… that's my name… last time I checked…"

His eyes brightened and he attached himself to me like a leech to a chancre sore. "Genjimaru talks about you all the time!"

"Oh."

"Butttttt… maybe you shouldn't know what he says about you. To be honest, I was expectin' you to be a little different."

"Different? How?"

"Um… never mind. So, do you actually play the piano?"

"Kind of…"

"Do you know the Emperor personally?"

"I've never met him…"

"Have you ever been to Evinkuruga?"

"No…"

"Hah! You're a riot, Hien." He laughed again. I didn't see what was so funny about my responses. "Name's Yura." He stuck his hand out. I blinked, and after an awkward ten seconds realized he wanted me to shake it. I took it hesitantly, and then he started jerking it around like he was a professional rower or something. "There's no need to be shy. You're in room 102-B, right? So am I! We're going to be bunkmates! Isn't that exciting?"

"I can hardly contain myself. And… wait a minute. Why were you listening in on my conversation anyway?" I stared daggers at him.

He shrugged and gave a stupid grin. "I just finished some paperwork and wanted to ask him where to put it, but then I caught you two arguing, and I really couldn't help myself."

The guards at the bridge nodded to us and let us through. Yura kept on blathering as we walked, frightening seagulls from their scavenging on the dock and not paying attention to the palace looming ever closer. A dragonfly landed on his head, but he didn't seem to notice. I just stared at that dragonfly, tuning out whatever it was he had to say.

"And anyway your bags have been delivered to the barracks. Did you get all that?"

"Huh?"

"I was telling you what to expect."

Great. The one thing I shouldn't have missed, I missed.

"Yeah, I got it," I lied. We entered the palace, empty and lonely. The walls and floors were made of blue marble, and the only source of light came from the high skylight windows on the ceiling. We rounded the east corridor, past the servant's wing. My sister lived here. I wanted to see if she was around and say hi, but Yura just dragged me onwards.

The dragonfly was still on his head.

At last we made it to the east barracks, restricted to the lower-ranking members of the Kunnekamun Royal Military. He casually slung open the door to room 102-B and led me inside.

It was a big room, with many bunk beds stacked next to each other. It was devoid of décor except for the sea of identical bedclothes immaculately made, not a shred of material out of place. A practical set of drawers was next to every bed, and in the distance, an entrance without a door led to the bathroom stalls. A few men, relieved from duty, were sitting on their beds, talking, or reading. Others, new cadets, were unpacking. The man closest to the door set down his book and nodded to us.

Yura saluted to him. "Good afternoon, Sergeant Naru."

I followed in his example, but said nothing.

"Good afternoon, Private First Class… Private," he answered. "Glad to have new blood here. What's your name, new one?"

"Hien… sir," I added after a beat.

Naru raised an eyebrow. "Oh, so YOU'RE Hien."

Goddamnit.

"Officer Genjimaru speaks of you often. Anyway, Private, your first order of business is to unpack and stand to attention with the others in the main hall for an overview of expectations. Should you fail to unpack and organize your belongings in a cleanly or untimely manner, you will be punished accordingly."

"Yes, sir."

I was starting to get the hang of this. Naru went back to his book and Yura led me over to the bunk that we were sharing. My bag was set on top of my bed, already made and spiffy.

"You get the bottom," he told me, pointing to a nameplate on the frame that said my name. "And you also get the bottom drawer. And you'd better heed Naru's words… he isn't kidding."

I nodded and opened my bag, taking out and folding my clothes up neatly. I had to leave Whipple at my girlfriend's place until I could get a permit to keep him. It was odd, not having him here to hiss at me in vitriolic hatred.

I didn't have much in the way of stuff, so I finished unpacking quickly.

"I can walk you down to the main hall, if you'd like," offered Yura.

I was about to tell him that I knew where it was since I'd lived here for years, when the door swung open and the intruder sucked up some breath and sang:
"UNIFORM INSPECTIONNNNNN!"

Naru snapped to attention and slammed his book on the bed, wheeling around to face the intruder. He was a tall, gangly fellow, not an ounce of muscle on him. He had these misshapen grey ears and a shaggy haircut that drooped to his shoulders. His hair was kind of blue-ish, but it was more the color of a washed out azure rag that had been used to scrub the grime off of dirty plates far too many times. He had these really weird twinkling red eyes, and a huge nose. Like, damn, this nose was big. He wore a dopy smile across his face and flicked one of the medals on his highly decorated uniform.

I recognized him.

No… it couldn't be…

And how the hell did he end up with the rank of a First Sergeant?

"What are you doing here?" snapped Naru, rising up to meet the newcomer. "These boys here aren't even under your mark."

"Respect for the office, Naru," he reminded him in an androgynous rasp of a voice. He once again made a point of indicating the First Sergeant's insignia on his sash.

"You're supposed to be on the obstacle course with your platoon. Why exactly are you here? Or did you not feel like running?" Naru's voice dripped with sarcasm.

The First Sergeant shrugged. "Oh, Naru-waru, you forgot to salute me. One hundred pushups."

"What? You're mad!"

"Two hundred pushups."

"Just answer my question!"

"Eight hundred pushups."

"Are you kidding with me?"

"No. Eight hundred and one pushups. What? Why aren't you doing them? Are you afraid to look like a little bitch in front of your subordinates? No, I'm not skipping conditioning. I bear an important message. And I just wanted to see the handsome new recruits." He batted his eyelashes and giggled.

No… it couldn't be…

"What is it?" Naru raised his eyebrows.

"I won't tell you until you let me inspect to boys' uniforms."

Naru rolled his eyes. "Fine. Men! Stand at attention, front and center!"

Yura dashed out in front of the bunk bed and stood rigid still. I imitated him, and the others joined the conga line of stupidity.

"What a dick," muttered one guy.

"Who's he?" whimpered another.

"First Sergeant Hauenkua," answered Yura through his teeth. "He might not seem like it right now, but he's fucking scary."

… It was.

Yura kept his eyes forward, sweating nervously as Hauenkua circled us like a shark.

"This soldier is cute," murmured Hauenkua, pointing to us and indicating our cuteness levels as he passed by. "This soldier is cute, this soldier is not cute, this soldier is cute…"

Finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"What's Hauenkua doing in the army?" I whispered to Yura.

Yura did a double take, almost losing his composure. "Wha-? Are you saying you know him, man? Any other high-ranking people you're buds with, Hien?"
"I was in a school club with him once," I retorted. "I thought he went to college… what's he doing being a Sergeant?"

"He seems like a joke, but he ain't a joke," Yura said. "He was on a covert operation a few months ago when his platoon got surrounded by enemies. They would've been done for, but it was Hauenkua who devised the plan to defeat them and led everyone to safety. He was promoted for that."

That explained the medals.

"This soldier is cute," continued Hauenkua, passing Yura, and then he stopped at me, grinning. "This soldier is really cute. But your sash is on crooked." He reached out to grab my sash, but I lost my shit and buckled backwards, eluding his grasp.

"Paws off, Hauenkua!" I gurgled, only catching myself before I spat it out.

He stared at me, flabbergasted at my rudeness. "Don't speak unless you're spoken to, Private. Eight hundred and two pushups."

"That's impossible!" cried the person next to me.

"And eight hundred and three pushups for you! Also, you're not cute."

We looked at each other, sighed, and started doing as we were told, seeing as if we lollygagged any further he'd probably assign us as many pushups as there were stars in the sky.

Hauenkua started back on his cuteness evaluation when suddenly, he stopped, and directed his attention back to me. "Wait… how did you know my name?" he asked. I guess he didn't hear Yura whispering to us. "Answer me!"

"It's me, Hien!" I gasped as I started on my fifteenth pushup.

"Hien…?" He looked blank. "Do I know you?"

He… seriously didn't remember me?

Seriously?

"First rule of Explosions Club," I told him, tired but trying to jog his memory. "Is you don't talk about Explosions Club."

His eyes brightened with recognition, and giving a happy squeal tackled me, squeezing me with a viselike grip. "Kid!" he squeaked, rubbing his cheek against mine uncomfortably. Some of the recruits snickered. "It's really you! I haven't seen you since I graduated high school—you've gotten cool… ish," he added after a beat, looking me over again.

"Eh-heh, yeah," I tried to greet him. "And I haven't seen you since, um, middle school. How was college for you?"

Hauenkua paused and frowned. "Fine," he answered curtly. He promptly sprang back into his previous good mood. "But that doesn't matter! Kid, what are you doing under this horrid mark? You should join mine. The people here have no discipline whatsoever… who would you rather work with, yucky Naru or me?"

He buried himself into my shoulder. In my pan of vision, I could see the Private First Classes of the room shake their heads, urging me not to do it. Naru snarled something under his breath.

"I… I'll think about it, Hauenkua." I stuttered.

Hauenkua jerked my arm and forced me up. "You can't go calling me that, now," he told me, dragging me away from the line. Where he was taking me, I didn't know. "You'll either call me 'Sergeant,' 'First Sergeant,' or 'Sir.' But just for you…" He nuzzled really close. I blushed for some reason, hoping to god that he'd stop manhandling me. "… You can call me 'Master.'"

Just then, everyone in the room burst into raucous laughter. I hadn't been here for one hour, and I was already the laughing stock of the place.

"Eight hundred pushups for all of you!" cried Hauenkua indignantly as he led me out the door. "Uniform inspection is over; Hien, you're coming with me. I want you to stand with me at the opening briefing—nay, I command you! You mustn't be hanging with these… curs." He wrinkled his nose.

"Wait a damn minute!" hollered Naru, blocking the doorway. I was kind of glad he did. "You still have to tell me what your message is!"

"Oh." Hauenkua gave him a condescending grin. "New intelligence report. There's been a new terrorism threat made against Emperor Okura. We have to tighten security as he and his family travels through the countryside in a few weeks."

"That's all?" Naru sighed. "You run an unfair bargain, Hauenkua."

"Nine hundred pushups," Hauenkua told him as he continued dragging me to the main hall, nobody even lifting a finger to save me from him.

And this was how I ended up quitting my job for army service in the hopes of three square meals a day and a subsidy to help me pay off my college tuition.

And this was how I ended up with Hauenkua clinging on to me for the rest of my days.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but then again, Hauenkua was really something else.

And as I left the room, I noticed that the dragonfly was still on Yura's head.

Next up: how Hien and Hauenkua met as strapping young schoolboys! Thrills! Laughs! Fire Ants!

I feel that this chapter was a bit dicey, but I think it served its purpose. No, Hauenkua isn't uber crazy and sadistic quite yet… he's more of a "lovable jerk" at the moment. Anyway, 'til next time.