I don't like to admit it, but there have been several times I've had what some may describe as an..."out-of-body" experience. Most have been a result of the unexplained persistence of the Old Cheyenne. They seem unwilling to leave me alone for long, especially in the years since I've lost my wife. This current experience, however, is something else entirely. I feel as if I'm standing perfectly still but I know I must be moving. I have to be, because I can feel soft strands of Vic's hair in between my fingers. There are soft, wet lips on mine and I can taste a hint of bacon on Vic's tongue. I sense my head leaning slightly to the side as she grazes my neck with her teeth. My heart is pounding and blood is rushing through my body at a rate much too fast for someone whose body is at rest. I'm vaguely aware that the horizon is shifting and the emerging starlight that was once over my head now seems to be coming from another direction altogether.
Whatever my body is doing, my brain is somewhere else entirely, disconnected somehow. It rolls Vic's revelation and it's implications around and around, pushing it into dusty corners long avoided out of fear: Fear of making a mistake. Fear of what the future holds. Fear of losing myself to someone and then dying a little more each day should I ever have to live without her. Vic would tell me to stop overthinking things. She would say I was being ridiculous, that she's not going anywhere. But, none of us have control over how we may leave this world. What if she's taken away from me too? I won't survive losing her. Even so, I have no fight left in me. There is no more hesitation. Time stands still.
There's a cool breeze blowing in over the water across my bare back, causing me to shiver. Then again, maybe the shivering isn't due to the breeze at all. Vic's palms smooth over my skin, down along my scars and back up again, warming the chill away. I grasp Vic's calf, pull it over my hip and slide my hand up the back of her thigh. A deep growl escapes from my throat in concert with the humming that seems to be coming from hers. The stubble catching against Vic's skin reminds me I didn't take the time to shave today. Thankfully she doesn't seem to mind. Her fingers with their neatly trimmed fingernails reach low and grip onto my backside with just the right amount of pressure, pulling me into her. I ease my head back and our eyes lock and hold steady, neither of us willing to break the connection. I start to feel slightly dizzy as a deep vibration spreads from my core, outward to the rest of my body. I can see what's happening. It's fast and slow, terrifying and beautiful all at the same time. My senses are overwhelmed. The same sensations that are separating me from myself bind me to her and I know...there's no going back.
I have no concept of how long it's been since we've uttered actual words having surrendered completely to more primitive forms of communication. We are both still now. Vic's body is tucked in next to mine underneath the blanket I've wrapped around us to keep out the night air. My breathing is slow and steady. I think I may have even dozed off. It's either that or I am still caught up in a fog, unsure whether this has all been just a dream or if it really happened. The sound of the water moving past coupled with the calls of the cicadas will be permanently burned into my memory of this night. I know whenever I hear these together again, it will transport me right back to this place at this moment.
"Walt?"
Her voice brings clarity with it.
"Hmm?"
She lets out a sigh, "That was..."
She seems to be searching for the right words to describe what has taken place between us but words aren't necessary. I know exactly how she feels, "Yep."
We lay in silence a while longer before I remember what led us into this new stage of our relationship in the first place, "Seems I owe you an apology though."
"For what?"
"We didn't make it to that new bed you bought." I cannot keep from grinning.
"Oh, that bed's not going anywhere. We'll get to break it in eventually. My money's on later tonight."
"You think I'm that much of a sure thing?"
"Well, I know I am," Her teasing is cut short by a more serious tone as she continues, "Look, I know I haven't made things easy for you lately, Walt, but I have to tell you..." She untangles her arms and pushes up on one elbow placing her hand on the side of my face, "That was worth the wait. You are worth the wait. And you need to know, now that I have you? I'm never letting you go."
She leans in pressing her mouth to mine. It's a kiss full of love, passion and promise.
My mind goes back to the day when everything changed. The day I finally admitted to myself how much Vic really means to me. Just like that day, being here, holding Vic in my arms, feels right. And this time, there's no need for feelings of guilt or regret. We are free to be together and share all the love we have for each other. I know it doesn't matter where we go from here. As long as Vic is by my side, I welcome whatever the future holds.