"You read the letter, didn't you?" Tetsu asked.
Akashi gave him a look, cool and unconcerned. His expression screamed innocence. Tetsu was not fooled.
"You don't really think that I would invade your privacy like that, do you?" Akashi acted like it was a rhetorical question, but the guilty edge to his voice gave him away.
Tetsu sat back in his seat and tightened his grip on the basketball in his lap. They were on the train, on their way to the basketball courts. It wasn't the most secluded place for a chat, but the train car was quite noisy for a Sunday afternoon, full of people enjoying their day off. Even Taiga-nii wasn't paying attention to them, entirely occupied in keeping Mura from digging into the basket of homemade snacks that he was bringing along. Himuro was laughing at them both and being only marginally helpful in assisting his little brother to protect his treats.
Tetsu watched Akashi without blinking. He didn't have to say anything. He only stared at him with a blank face. After a few seconds, as he expected, Akashi cracked.
He sighed and looked away, scuffing his shoe on the rough metal floor. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it."
Tetsu shook his head. "It's all right. I expected you to."
Akashi looked back to him, his face flushing. "You expected me to break your confidence? You trusted me with private correspondence, and I betrayed your trust. You expected me to do that?"
Tetsu smiled, unable to keep his stern countenance in the face of this. "That's not quite how I see it, no. I expected you to be protective of me, to want to make sure there was nothing in the letter that could be harmful to me in the future. I wouldn't have given the letter to you if I didn't trust you with it. Including the contents."
"Ah." Akashi slumped in his seat and rubbed the back of his head. "You're far too kind, Tetsu-kun. I don't deserve..."
He went quiet. Tetsu watched him carefully. This was why he'd brought it up.
"What is that you think you don't deserve, Akashi-kun?" he asked quietly, knowing that Akashi would hear him even over the noise of the train car.
Akashi shook his head, again not meeting Tetsu's eyes. "You told your father that you couldn't forgive him yet."
It seemed like a change of subject, but Tetsu knew that it wasn't. "Yes, I did. I had to be honest, even though I knew it would be cruel to say such a thing in a farewell. I wanted him to understand where we stood, even if it was hurtful. My father was contrite in his letter to me, but I still don't think he truly comprehends how much pain he caused me. Nor do I. I can't forgive something I don't even understand."
Partway through, Akashi turned back to watch Tetsu as he spoke. When he was done, Akashi nodded.
"This is all fair and just," he said. "You deserve to take as much time as you need to. If you never forgive your father at all, it's only as much as he deserves. He should be grateful that you troubled yourself to write him a letter at all, and you have every right to be unkind in your words to him after the way he treated you. Rather, he should value your honesty. That's kindness enough."
"Thank you," Tetsu murmured. "I appreciate your thoughts on the matter. But...why do you still look troubled, Akashi-kun?"
Akashi sighed and looked down at his hands. "You're fair to your father, Tetsu-kun. But you're not being fair to me."
Tetsu blinked.
Akashi glanced up at him, then down again. "You should not have forgiven me so easily."
"If this is about how you knew, I already told you..."
Akashi shook his head. "No. I'm referring to our third year in middle school. Especially the last match. I knew... You told me how important it was to you that we play fair, that we treat our opponents with respect. And I responded to your sincere feelings with complete disregard. The others didn't know that your dear childhood friend was playing against us, but I did. I even spoke to him in the hall. I treated him cruelly, and I was just as cruel to you when I didn't stop the others from going through with that ridiculous plan. I condoned it. I chuckled at the idea."
Tetsu was silent, staring away.
"I don't blame you at all for quitting the club after that." Akashi's voice was heavy with regret. "I made you hate something you love, and I used your friend to do it."
They fell quiet for a long moment. Tetsu watched Taiga argue with Mura. He wasn't listening to the words, just watching their expressions, Taiga outraged and defensive, Mura petulant and disgusted. They were probably arguing about food. Himuro just sat next to them, smiling as if he couldn't imagine a better place to be.
"You said..." Tetsu said slowly. Akashi went very still, listening. "You said I forgave you too easily. I suppose it seems that way to you. But it wasn't actually easy at all."
He looked over at his friend. Akashi's eyes were intense, but his expression was blank.
"After I quit the club, I spent a lot of time thinking about what happened, about where things went wrong. And yes, I hated basketball for a while. I hated what it had become. But I didn't only hate what it had become for me. I hated what it had become for you, too.
"I grieved for what we had lost. For the team we used to be. You've always been talented at basketball, so you've probably always had a good team around you, comrades you enjoyed working with and who enjoyed working with you. But for me, our second year at Teiko was the first time I got to experience something like that. It was amazing. It was all I had ever wanted. And I thought that the rest of you were happy, too. You certainly seemed to be."
"We were," Akashi murmured. "I know we were."
"After things started to change, no one was happy anymore. Basketball stopped being fun for all of you, for all of us. Especially for Aomine, which was the cruelest cut of all, since he had always loved basketball the most. You were all in pain, and you acted out of that pain. After some time for reflection, I was able to recognize that. You hurt me, yes, and you hurt my dear friend. But you were hurting, too."
He looked Akashi frankly in the eyes. "It was hard for me to forgive you, Akashi-kun. For a while I thought I wouldn't be able to. But eventually I was able to understand my own feelings, and I knew what I wanted. I didn't want to punish you. I wanted to get you back. I wanted to return to the way things used to be when we were happy.
"I joined Seirin because when I saw them play, they made basketball seem fun again. They were enjoying themselves and enjoying each other's company. It was obvious just from watching them play for a few minutes. And I desperately wanted that. When I decided, along with Taiga-nii, to defeat the Generation of Miracles, it wasn't because I wanted revenge on you. I wanted to show you by actions, since words were not enough, that basketball could be different than what it had become for all of you. That you didn't have to hate it anymore. The Seirin team taught me that again in only a few minutes. How could they fail to teach the rest of you that in the course of an entire game? It was the only solution I saw, and it was the only one available to me. Perhaps it was desperate, and perhaps it was foolish, and perhaps it was grasping at straws. But I gambled. I gambled on Seirin and I gambled on Taiga-nii, and I won."
"I see." Akashi's voice was almost inaudible. He spoke a little louder, then. "As I said, you are much too kind, Tetsu-kun. I'm grateful, of course. But I still don't understand."
Tetsu tilted his head. "What else do you need me to explain?"
"You told your father you couldn't forgive him. But you forgave me before I even understood that I needed forgiveness. You said it was hard for you, but still... What I did to you and what your father did to you was not that different."
Tetsu jerked his head up to stare at him, his eyes wide. He felt like his heart had stopped for a moment. "Akashi-kun, you did not abuse me."
Akashi shook his head gently. "I mistreated you. I didn't lay a hand on you, but still... I see too many similarities. We both had positions of power over you, he as your father and I as your captain. We both made you feel that you didn't matter, that your feelings were not worth our consideration. And we were both out of our heads, in a sense, but still ultimately responsible for our actions. We both drove you away and caused you immense pain. If your father does not merit forgiveness, then neither do I."
Tetsu stared down at the basketball in his lap, his fingers tightening on the thick skin. Over the past day, he had ceased avoiding contact with his sport and started to find comfort in it again, even though he still had doubts about his abilities, if they would return, how long he would have to work to get them back. But he was glad he had the ball now. The touch of it on his hands, the weight in his lap, was a comfort and an anchor as he tried to figure out what to say.
"You said..." he started slowly. "You said that Taiga-nii told you what I'd been through, but not all the details. Did he tell you that the trouble between my father and me began long ago? Not just in middle school, but years before that?"
Akashi drew in a breath. "I knew he hit you in middle school. And Kagami told me a little about how badly you were hurt in the last few weeks before he intervened. But he didn't tell me about how it began, no."
"The first time it happened, I was eight years old. My father beat me so badly that I had internal damage and had to stay in the hospital for a while."
Akashi said nothing.
"And yes, he continued to hit me. Not often. Once every few months, perhaps, he would lose his temper because he was stressed, because I did something to annoy him. I forgave him every time. I forgave, and forgave, and forgave. I came to believe, deep down, that I did something to invite his violence. That I deserved it. But there was still a part of me that knew it was wrong. And so I had to forgive him. I had to give chance after chance after chance, until I finally couldn't do it anymore. Until Taiga-nii took me away from there and taught me that I deserved better. That I deserved a better life and a family who will love me and never hurt me."
Tetsu looked up from the basketball and found Akashi watching him, his face pale and his eyes intense. Akashi was not one for tears, and Tetsu knew that. But he was certainly affected by this story, and Tetsu regretted causing him pain. He had to make sure that Akashi understood, though.
"What you did was not the same, Akashi-kun. You hurt me, but it was not out of deliberate cruelty. As you said, you disregarded my feelings. You were caught up in your own terror and pain, your fear that the team would fall apart unless you could force us all to hold together by any means necessary. Including playing those cruel games with our opponents. You did what you did out of a desire to protect, to keep safe what was yours. You were wrong. You made many mistakes. But you were not abusive. You were a young student with no guidance—I remember how the adults at Teiko stepped away, all but washing their hands of us—and you did the best you could under the circumstances. You didn't do a very good job of it, and I'm glad you understand that now. But you did not abuse me. You hurt me by mistake while you were also in great distress. It is not the same at all."
Akashi blinked. "I see." His voice was so quiet that Tetsu could barely hear him.
Tetsu smiled. "I told you how many second chances I gave my father. Many, many chances. So many I lost count. And now that I've explained the difference between your actions and his, do you still not believe that you deserve at least one second chance from me? Not just from me, but from the world, too?"
"I see," Akashi said again, a little stronger.
Tetsu looked down at his lap again, drooping. This was exhausting. He suddenly understood why Taiga had been so worried about his ability to soothe Tetsu's mental wounds. It took a great deal more effort and energy than simply bandaging a cut.
Akashi scooted a little closer to him, sitting straight and tall and looking ahead. His cheeks were red, but his expression remained impassive. Tetsu glanced up at him, gave him a little smile. Akashi pretended not to see it. Tetsu let himself slump down and leaned his head on Akashi's shoulder.
Taiga made another outraged noise. Tetsu and Akashi both ignored him.