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Chapter 16

Brat and Bastard

Edward had started to cry silently, and then had started to sob and shake. After that he had screamed into the couch pillow, drenching it in tears and hitting it over and over with his fists until his energy was all drained and he was back to sobbing. Now the sobbing had subsided as well and left him crying silently again.

There had been a time when he would have died from embarrassment before having a breakdown like this in front of anyone, especially Roy Mustang. But during those times, his problems had all been insignificant enough that he could keep them to himself and he still had some energy and hope left. But Al's death had been the last straw and now he just couldn't take it anymore.

One might think that he didn't mind Mustang's presence because he was just too desperate to care about it, but actually he did care, a lot. Both alchemists were neither good at showing their concern for one another nor at comforting, but they both knew it and so they could still decipher the other's behaviour.

During Ed's outburst, the colonel did nothing but sit there, calmly sipping his coffee. For a stranger this might seem like he was nothing but a heartless bastard who didn't care in the slightest about Edward, but Ed knew that if this was the case then the colonel would have just left the room or maybe even laughed at him. But Mustang didn't leave nor laugh. Mustang sat there and waited, for two reasons.

Reason number one was that it wouldn't make any sense to recommend that Ed should just vent and let all his feelings out for once, only to stop him and calm him down with comfort half the way when he still hadn't had all of it out of his system. And Ed was grateful for that because this way he could allow himself to let it all crash down on him for once, and face every bit of his despair without having to fear being unable to get out of it again once he was in it all. With Mustang waiting to help him out, he could jump into the river of tears and know he wouldn't drown because once he had explored it and faced it he would be pulled out and saved.

Reason number two was that Mustang seemed to know exactly that it would have never been his place to comfort, or even get to see a crying Ed if it wasn't for the sheer gravity of the situation. And so, the colonel sat still, giving Ed the chance to pretend that he had never been there at all so Ed could compose himself again before facing the colonel and this way save the pride Mustang still seemed to think he had. This behaviour meant a lot to Ed because if Mustang believed he still had some pride to save it meant that for the colonel there was still some of the old Ed left, who could stand back up and walk on.

And that's why Ed didn't mind his breakdown in front of the colonel at all. He could understand why Mustang just sat there and he could understand that the colonel wouldn't think any less of him if he finally succumbed to his grief about Al for once. So when he had calmed down enough to be back to crying silently, and Mustang finally put down his cup of coffee, he felt no bashfulness and leaned against the colonel's side to get the comfort Mustang had patiently waited to give. The colonel wordlessly put his arms around him and held him close and Ed leaned his head against his chest and let the warmth he felt dry up his tears.

Edward couldn't recall the last time he had been held like this but he knew it had been his mother and he remembered the feeling of safety. He couldn't hear the soothing sound of a heartbeat for the fabric of the colonel's uniform was too thick to allow something so human to get through the blue clothes that marked him as the state's tool, but when he concentrated on the rhythm of Mustang's breathing, it was enough to calm Ed's own heart. Closing his eyes, the boy allowed himself to relax and feel the wonderful comfort of leaning onto and being held by someone who cared for him.

Ed was tired now, but it was a good kind of tired. It was the comfortable kind you get when you have had a hard day but archived something in the end. And Ed had archived some peace with his mind. He wasn't completely free of the feeling of guilt and the loss of Al was still painful and filled him with sorrow, but it wasn't unbearable anymore. Now that he had allowed himself to explode he no longer thought he could snap at any moment. And safely cradled in Mustang's arms he didn't feel alone, he now knew that the black haired man could take the problems Ed would bring with him and help him through them.

The colonel was a stubborn man who didn't mind to tactically withdraw when necessary but would never completely give up. He might not be the best when it came to comforting and Ed was sure that the both of them might stumble about mistakes on either side in the future, but he knew the older alchemist wouldn't stop trying. He would get back on his feet just like he believed Ed could still do. And that's why he decided it wasn't so bad to lean onto Mustang from time to time.

He was by no means a replacement and he didn't fill the hole Al had left, but the damn pyromaniac had managed to build a fire right next to it so the shadows in the hole didn't seem so dark anymore and the good memories could be seen once again.

Ed's tears finally stopped and he fell asleep snuggled up to someone who he once thought he would only get as close to as a fist to the face.

"...-ey're so cute, I wish I had a camera!"

"Shut up they'll kill us if they hear you say such things!"

"This is like waking up a dragon, I've got a feeling we'll be fried."

Ed stirred and blinked his eyes open as he listened to the hushed voices of Colonel Mustang's subordinates. They were standing in a half circle in front of the couch, obviously not sure about how they should wake the two alchemists without getting killed for witnessing a scene that was rather cute but not meant to be witnessed. And Ed could understand their fear because while he didn't mind snuggling up to the colonel when there was no one else around, getting caught in that position was quite embarrassing. He felt the urge to make sure none of the witnesses made it outside.

"But we can't leave them sleeping here, working hours are over..." Fuery just said.

"Yeah but I'm sure they won't mind and- oh, Ed is awake, we did our job, let's run!" Havoc squeaked and turned to flee the office, the others hot on his heels.

Ed blinked again and stared after them, baffled. Then, a rather annoyed Hawkeye marched into the room. She realised Ed was awake and smiled. "I'm sorry, I tried to keep these immature idiots in check but they just had to sneak in under the pretence that they wanted to wake you for the end of working hours."

Ed blushed as he carefully slipped out from underneath Mustang's arm and scooted a bit away from the colonel. Then, he turned to the clock and noticed that indeed work time was over. He looked back to Hawkeye, surprised and confused. The lieutenant smiled a little wider.

"The two of you have been under a lot of stress recently and the colonel worked so well while you were filing away his papers that he was for once ahead in his paperwork, so I decided to let you sleep. Though now, I think it's time to wake you. Or at least the colonel, you are obviously awake already." She then cleared her throat and in a loud and stern manner said: "Sir."

The until now peacefully sleeping colonel jumped. "Ah, Lieutenant! I'll go back to work, I didn't fall asleep!" he immediately yelped out of some instinct he probably developed over years of procrastinating and shirking paperwork. Hawkeye raised one slender blonde eyebrow. The colonel slumped. "Okay, so I did fall asleep," he admitted sheepishly.

"And today I don't mind sir." Mustang's jaw dropped at the lieutenant's words. She simply smiled and told them to get ready for their ride back to Mustang's apartment.

The colonel finally regained his composure and stretched his arms above his head. "You know, if it wasn't weird I'd say you can sleep on me all day long if it gets me out of paperwork," he said with a wry grin. Ed rolled his eyes at him but smiled and got to his feet. They collected their things and followed Hawkeye out to the parking lot.

Today's drive was not interrupted by a stop at a restaurant. Ed found out why when Mustang changed out of his uniform and started rummaging around the kitchen. He couldn't help but stare incredulously.

"Don't look at me like that!" the older alchemist grumbled. "Just because I prefer take-out doesn't mean I don't know at least the basics of cooking. I mean what if I'm stuck at home because of really bad weather or because I'm ill? I can't ask my poor lieutenant to look after me then, she might not act like it but she does have a life outside of working for me." He grinned "And it impresses most women when you know how to cook. Not that I would take them home, they get to clingy if I do," he added thoughtfully.

Ed rolled his eyes but watched as Mustang proceeded to put ingredients together. The colonel was an alchemist and you could see it in the way he cooked. Alchemists would study their material, then carefully put the array together like they were taught to but then wait with activating it until they had added their own touch to it or analysed it for a way to make it better. So Mustang studied his ingredients, then put them together according to the recipe but waited with putting them on the stove until he had tasted some of it with a spoon and decided that it could use some more salt.

"So, do you feel any better now?" the colonel finally asked while he watched the sauce for their pasta cook.

Ed knew Mustang was talking about his breakdown. He looked down at the table he was sitting at, contemplating. Did he feel better? Yes he did. "Lighter," he mumbled. "Like some weight was taken off me. Not all but a lot."

Mustang nodded, absent-mindedly stirring the sauce. "That's good. I was afraid you would fall and not get up again someday if you continued carrying it all alone."

"Won't it make you fall if you take weight from me? I'm sure you got enough to carry yourself." Ed retorted, watching the colonel as he calmly shrugged and smirked.

"I can carry some more, I'm bigger than you."

Ed fumed but decided to postpone his revenge for all the short jokes he hadn't reacted to.

"I'm serious, I don't want to burden you," he stated quietly, afraid that the colonel might take his words to heart and stop looking out for him, but unable to be selfish enough to keep them to himself.

Mustang turned and pointed the spoon he had used for the sauce at Edward. "Don't you ever think you're a burden to me," he said firmly. "I admit it's sometimes hard to look after you but it's no burden because I get a reward. I get to see that I helped someone back on his feet. I'm so used to bringing people down, you don't know how good it feels to finally help someone get up, because that's all I ever wanted: To make this twisted world a bit better. So I partly help you because I'm that selfish but I don't mind admitting it if it helps you understand that you are no burden to me."

The colonel turned back to the stove, his bangs obscuring his eyes as he stirred the sauce but Ed could see the firm line of his mouth. Mustang didn't like admitting personal things, but he did it nonetheless and Ed felt proud that he was worth the insight of the colonel's mind. He felt bad for pressing on but he just had to know. "You said partly. What's the other reason?" he asked, barely audible.

Mustang took his time, taking the sauce pot off the heat and checking the noodles before answering.

"I'm not sure, but I guess you little brat somehow managed to become quite dear to me."

Ed felt like his eyes would pop out of his head any moment as he stared at the colonel. The black haired man spoke so nonchalantly that the not very flattering formulated sentence could be taken as a joke, but his body language betrayed him. Mustang spoke the truth.

And Ed couldn't help but grin like a kid who got a present. Warmth spread through him and for the first time since Al's death he felt truly content and happy. He watched Mustang tense and forcefully relax as he stared at the food while he waited for Ed to say something.

Finally, Ed's grin turned into a small but still very happy smile. "I'm not sure either, but the same might go for you, stupid bastard," he admitted quietly. There was a moment of wonderful amicable silence in which they both knew that the other had a smile on his lips even though they couldn't see the other's face.

Then they both decided that they had had enough emotional turbulence for the day and the first tried to joke. Surprisingly it was Ed. "Maybe your cooking will decide it."

"Well your stomach is certainly bigger than your brain so that might happen." Mustang grinned and picked up the banter.

"My stomach needs to supply a genius with energy, of course it's big."

"If all your energy goes to your brain it would explain why there is none to make you grow."

"Well I'm rather smart than just freakishly tall like you!"

The colonel acted like he had never heard that and continued his musings. "If you ever grow I will ask you if you feel less intelligent and then I will know."

"I bet I'll be taller than you and then you get all your short jokes back!"

Mustang put a plate filled with delicious looking pasta in front of Ed. "Eat your food before you run out of energy and your brain shuts down, then we might find out someday."

Ed watched him as he sat down too, and then very quietly said: "Someday might be a long time from now."

Mustang blinked, then got the meaning and smirked a bit. "I'll have to start charging you for your room then." His smirk turned into a smile, "But then you can have it as long as you want."

Ed stared at him. "As long as I want?"

Mustang nodded and started to dig into his pasta. "We'll get furniture tomorrow."

He almost choked on his food when Ed attempted to squeeze the life out of him with a hug.