*dramatic music* So this is Ed in the beginning stages of his numbness phase. I hope it's not too weird to read...

Thanks for the reviews :)

Chapter 22

Seeking

There was nothing.

Well, that was wrong; there were certainly a lot of things.

There was just nothing Edward really felt or acknowledged. His brain didn't even bother to process the information his eyes sent to it, leaving him blind even though he could see perfectly fine. If he wanted to, but he didn't. For quite some time now (hours, days, weeks, months, years?) he had just let everything around him happen, as unresponsive as a rag doll. He didn't even realise it for he didn't think about it. Actually he didn't really think of anything at all. Edward just... existed.

One of the reasons for him to simply exist was that something was amiss. And he just couldn't wake up without that something around. The few brain cells of his that stubbornly kept thinking told him only two things.

One: He had done something horrible ( had used human sou- SHUT UP!) and that's why he needed to stay numb or shatter.

Two: He needed to find the thing that was missing for it held the key to the other two things he needed to finally go on and maybe forgive himself (for being so stupid an- NOT NOW, TOO EARLY!)

The missing thing, he concluded after he dared to visit a place awfully close to awareness, was actually less of a thing and more of a presence. So he started to search for that one between the presences around him.

At the moment he was with the Gentle Presence. It was one he liked very much, for it was always kind and caring and he knew it tried its best to help him. He shared the care of that presence with the Innocent Presence. Innocent Presence was, well, innocent. Very young, he concluded. It didn't really understand him, but it tried to help in its own way, playing with him even though he barely responded. It just put things on his head (A crown? Huh, I'm anything but a noble prince) and then let its fantasy carry them away, often just telling him the story he was supposed to be in to compensate for his lack of movement.

But as wonderful as existing with Gentle Presence and Innocent Presence was, he knew he couldn't stay with them for long because there was one significant problem: They made him remember two similar presences which he had lost. In small doses and when he was aware of things that were fine, then he knew there was a difference between them and them (Mom, Al, I'm sorry, I'm sorry- BE QUIET YOU NEED TO WAIT!), but now, when he couldn't escape when necessary, it triggered nightmares. And, even though they tried, the two couldn't help him with those because they were kind of the cause. He hated it; he knew they didn't deserve his screaming and yelling for them to go away until he had calmed down, gone numb again. But he couldn't do a thing about it during those moments.

Ed was quite sure that during these instances he also yelled for the presence he was searching for to come, but once he calmed down again he couldn't remember the name any more. Names were dangerous, linked with memories, just like faces.

After a while another presence made an appearance and took him for a trip. He called it the Professional Presence. It was a presence that was kind like Gentle Presence and had some motherly features too, but a certain kind of openness wasn't there. It was nice and reliable and also wanted the best for him, but somehow it still kept a certain kind of distance. Just like Edward, that presence had its own kind of shield. Not as thick as Ed's, but still. The shield crumbled a bit when they finally met the presence they were going to visit, only to rebuild with full force, like Professional Presence needed to remember that it was indeed supposed to be here on professional business.

They met the presence they were visiting in a place with lots of rushing presences, which were nice but fleeting and busily switching from room to room. Ed knew he hated this place for some reason. And it confused him a great deal why the presence they were visiting was here. That presence was supposed to be at the place Edward considered safe. Why was it here? It acted like nothing was wrong with it, was bossy like always, sarcastic and stubborn, too. But there also was a certain kind of warmth towards Edward, even if it tried teasing him (I'm NOT small!). And that was when it clicked. He found the presence he was searching for. And he came to call it the Warm Rock.

Rock because it was a solid presence, one that wouldn't budge or break under pressure. And Warm Rock could take a lot of pressure, Ed knew that. It was safety, protection, a pillar of strength, something you could hide behind or cling to when the ocean of life was trying to sweep you away. It also was a willing stepping stone to help him go on.

The only not rock-like quality was the warmth. Normal rocks were cold, but Edward's rock-like presence had a warm core that could heat up the whole being to something welcoming and caring. That caring facet was a lot like Gentle Presence, but not quite for there was this shy, personal note. Rock was solid, that's why sometimes it had a hard time becoming soft and comforting, but Ed knew that in the end it would manage so he didn't mind if it was a bit awkward and unpracticed. He knew the warm core of the Rock would eventually shine through when he leaned on it. And that's why he was very scared when Professional Presence wanted to take him away again.

He needed Warm Rock, for it had the answer. Ed didn't have a clue about what exactly he was searching for, just that it was two different things and he couldn't get one without the other, but both were linked to Warm Rock. Just what was it? He couldn't remember, he just couldn't remember. Not without delving too deep into the dangerous territory of painful memories.

Professional Presence tried to coax him away from Warm Rock again, but Ed knew that he'd need that presence to be around him if he wanted to remember what he was searching for. And that's why in the end he threw an actual tantrum, screaming unintelligible things and gripping tight on to what seemed to be the foot end of a bed until they allowed him to stay and Warm Rock announced that it would "leave the hospital tomorrow, screw the doctor's opinion". Edward didn't get the meaning of the words, but he understood that Warm Rock would be around him from now on and that was all that mattered at the moment. He was also dimly aware that someday he would be quite embarrassed about his childish fight to stay by Warm Rock but right now he couldn't care less. He was happily snuggled up against its side.

They left the place with the rushing presences after some hours being awake and some hours of sleep. A lot of presences didn't seem to approve of that, Professional Presence who drove them to the safe place included, but Warm Rock was stubborn.

When they reached the safe place Edward immediately used the little bit of brain capacity he deemed safe to work with to try and figure out what he was searching for now that he found Warm Rock again. It resulted in him sitting and brooding, ignoring the world around him just as long as Warm Rock stayed close. Ed had developed some kind of sixth sense when it came to pinning down the position of the presences around him. He didn't even need to make work of his now dull golden eyes for that. That's why he knew Professional Presence was around before he heard the voice somewhere behind of were he was seated.

Maybe it was because he still held a grudge against it for trying to part him from Warm Rock in the place of the many rushing presences, or because he feared for such an attempt to happen again, that he actually kind of listened to what Professional Presence and Warm Rock were talking about.

"I'm glad you came, Hawkeye."

"With all due respect, sir, you look like hell. Did you sleep even once during the last five days?"

"A few hours every once in a while. Fullmetal falls asleep quite randomly. Didn't want him to wake up alone and maybe hurt himself, Gracia said he acts quite distressfully after nightmares. Don't know what she means though; he doesn't have many and when I start talking to him he calms down and sleeps on... But that's why I asked you to come over. Can you watch him for me? I need some sleep before we get on the train..."

"And some food, a shower and a shave."

A wry sigh. "Yes, that probably too."

Gentle."I will watch him for the day, sir."

Relieved. "Thanks."

"No problem. We all care about him." Worried. "So how is he?"

Even more worried. "Still no change. I hope the Rockbells can help. He just ignores everything, I can't even find a starting point to help him, he just sits and gives me nothing to work with. At least he eats and drinks some more now. Though I still have to coax him for almost an hour, nearly spoon-feeding him, to get him to eat a normal-sized portion of stew, for that is the food he takes best. Maybe you can get him to eat something more solid while you're here, I once heard kids in distress react better towards women than men."

"I don't know about such a theory but I'll try." Determined.

"Okay, thank you. Really. I'll go sleep a few hours then... I sat him on the couch so you can keep an eye on him easier."

Severe. "Did you carry him? You are not supposed to carry heavy things, sir!"

Almost pouting. "No, I didn't. You know he follows where you lead him if you take him by the hand." Short thoughtful pause. "There's some ready tea in the kitchen, if he falls asleep and wakes up from a nightmare give some to him immediately. It's a good way to get some fluids into him and it usually calms him down when talking alone isn't enough... Feel free to use whatever else is in the kitchen, too. There's not much left, I need to go shopping really soon, but still, just take what you want." A bit insecure.

A smile in the voice. "All right, go to sleep, sir."

Ed felt Warm Rock pass him and his hair was ruffled. "See you later."

For a moment he kept being alert, but then he was pulled back in the fog because nothing else transpired and just because he registered the conversation doesn't mean he would endanger his numbness to think about its meaning. There were no key phrases like "take him somewhere", "take him away", or the likes that would have put him on alert. Though "get on the train" worried him a bit.

He was just sitting there, dully existing for a while longer, when there was some warmth on his cheek. When his head was gently turned without him doing it, he registered that it was a hand.

"...guess I've got your attention now?" Warm, gentle, motherly. Interesting; Professional Presence dropped its shield for once. "Though you are still not really looking at me, Ed, are you? Well then let me tell you what I see, because maybe you're at least listening. You look even worse than the colonel. Maybe you had some more sleep than him, but otherwise... Please eat something Edward." A sad sigh.

That tone, that warm female voice... it reminded him of something, something he had lost and wanted back. Professional Presence vanished for a short time, then came back. There was the touch on his cheek again, turning his head to get his attention. Then he felt warmth on his hand. It got grabbed, he realised after a few seconds.

"I got you a sandwich. I guess the colonel made it earlier but put it away, when you didn't eat it, hm? How about you try and eat at least half of it now? You're a growing boy, you need your nutrition..."

He felt something being given to him. You're a growing boy, you need your nutrition... He'd heard that before, when he was little, and he had been given food then, too. Though back then it had sounded more cheerful. It had been his mother and she had been happy when he grinned and ate what she made him. He needed to make her happy too now, he loved her. So the boy bit into the sandwich, the female voice still talking, lulling him into safety, merging with his mother's. But then after a few bites he stopped.

Remembering his mother meant remembering she was dead. It meant remembering that fateful transmutation, and all the other horrible things that followed from then on. It meant remembering Al. Ed felt like there were ashes in his mouth. He swallowed because he deserved nothing better than that, but he couldn't bring himself to take another bite. This was the same trap that lurked around as when he stayed with Gentle Presence.

The pictures in his mind started to burst through his defensive walls again, awareness growing. It was like a nightmare, though this time he was awake, he knew he was awake and he wouldn't be able to wake up to warmth. Warmth, where was Warm Rock? That particular presence that had seemed to never be more than three steps away from him since he first found it again, wasn't detectable. But it was supposed to be there!

He didn't know why, but it was important, he wanted it to be there, he needed something from it that he had wanted earlier too, but didn't get and couldn't pinpoint. Like he couldn't pinpoint the whereabouts of Warm Rock right now. Feeling the starts of the panic his walls were supposed to hold back, he decided that first he needed to calm down again, otherwise he would go crazy and that wouldn't help him find what he was looking for.

So the boy shoved everything down as good as he could for the moment, leaving just the question of where Warm Rock was in his mind. Those few brain cells that were still allowed to work took on deciphering what his senses told him, all of them for this was an emergency. For the first time since he drowned himself in foggy numbness again his eyes sent a useful signal and his hazy gaze stopped on a door. He didn't know why but he was sure it was the right door. Ed stood and went over to it.

Something blocked his way though when he was about to knock on it. Blinking, he stood there, momentarily confused. Then he caught on to the fact that some interaction was necessary to get where he wanted to go. He forced himself to concentrate on the interfering presence.

"Ed, what is it? Is it something important or do you just want something to drink or something? Because those things you can ask me for. The colonel needs some sleep, so please tell me before you disturb him unnecessarily..."

Too complicated to deal with. Ed settled to walking around it, that should tell the interfering Professional Presence that what he wanted right now was important, even though he couldn't put his finger on just what it was. The boy raised his hand and timidly knocked on the door. No answer. He bit his lip, feeling the panic rise. He knocked again, a bit more urgently. Professional Presence made a move towards the door.

"Let me open it a bit and call for him, he's asleep, he probably doesn't hear the knocking..." The door opened a bit, but Ed shook his head and pulled it close again.

"My bedroom is off limits for anyone who isn't invited in by me. Though feel free to knock and ask me for whatever you need any time."

Edward knocked louder, actually hammered his metal fist against the door. Finally there was a groggy, "Yes, what is it?" Taking that as permission granted, he practically burst into the room. Then he stopped. Warm Rock was back within the three steps radius again. What to do now?

"Fullmetal?... Edward? What is it?" Concerned, a bit surprised.

Yes, what was it? What did he want? He knew he needed to tell. Warm Rock was good at giving answers, but that didn't help if there was no question to begin with.

So Ed paced the room, opening his mouth to speak every now and then but nothing came, no conclusion, no words. In the end he just collapsed on the double bed he was pacing up and down next to and fell asleep from sheer exhaustion through despair. Before his eyes closed though he heard a wry sigh.

"Hey Lieutenant, you mind watching us both sleep? I think if I leave for the couch there will be a repeat of the whole thing."

"I don't mind sir, you fall asleep on your paperwork often enough, I know how you look drooling."

"I don't drool!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, my papers are never stained when I wake up on them."

Ed smiled and drifted of. Hearing those presences bicker was like a soothing lullaby. It calmed him, assured him that even though he failed today he'd still remembered what he needed eventually. After all, if there was room for friendly bickering, then the world couldn't end just yet.