OMG 200 reviews! That's just...WOW! I'm speechless, something that doesn't happen very often. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I feel like you dear reviewers deserve some sort of special for that, but I never anticipated to reach this number this fast (or at all) so I don't have anything ready and I don't want to hold back the chapter until I finally thought of something. So maybe I'll just post something along with the next chapter but I can't promise, my brain currently believes it's on vacation and won't think of an idea for said special :( Ah well, maybe some day... Until then enjoy this chapter :)

Guessing game from the last chapter:

Warm Rock: Roy Mustang

Professional Presence: Riza Hawkeye

Gentle Presence: Gracia Hughes

Innocent Presence: Elicia Hughes

Thanks for the reviews and have fun guessing who Wise Presence and Waiting Presence are :)

Chapter 23

Starting And Finding

Ed liked the train. He thought he hated it earlier because it might take Warm Rock away, but he was allowed to join it on its journey so now he was into the ride. The landscape rushing past the window had something soothing and Warm Rock was right next to him. It was busy with "catching up to stupid paperwork" most of the time but Ed didn't mind, he would just snatch the papers away and start talking should he remember what he was looking for and until then he was happy with Warm Rock just being around. He felt he could ride this train, like, forever, but after an undefined time span Professional Presence shooed them off, claiming they arrived.

It was then that the nagging feeling that the landscape he'd been watching became more and more familiar was proved right. He realised that they had gone to the place that hurt because he wasn't supposed to be here until he had reached a goal. Ed froze on the spot. Why were they here? Did he do something wrong? (Yes you did, you idiot!) Did Warm Rock want to get rid of him after all? He felt it taking him by the hand, coaxing him to follow.

"Come on Fullmetal, don't you want to see the Rockbells?"

Did he? Well, he loved them and he would really like to check if they were all right, but he didn't feel like facing them. He just couldn't, not when he was so... well what was he? (A horrible idiot who screwed up so much and doesn't deserve them!) Ed winced, physically recoiling from his mind and thoughts while his soul hid behind metaphorical walls again.

He could feel Warm Rock's eyes on him. The presence was radiating confusion, concern, and a hint of annoyance. And where other people would have disliked the warm presence or felt guilty because of its annoyance, Ed felt reassured. After all, if there was a bit of annoyance and/or mocking involved then he could be sure that things with the Warm Rock were normal. It was just how they interacted, and the fact that it mellowed a bit but didn't change completely allowed him a sense of normality that he craved for. It was a fix point he could focus on even though right now he wasn't sure about anything but that he didn't want to face his crime and was searching for the second something that might help.

Finally he started walking, swallowing hard but trusting Warm Rock. He knew it was only trying to help, even though he didn't always understand what it was up to. He knew in the end it just wanted the best for him. He just knew.

Because that's all I ever wanted: To make this twisted world a bit better.

And then they reached the house he knew well and were greeted by a presence he knew just as well. It was the Wise Presence. Wise because it had seen many years, knew so much that could only be taught by life but not by books.

"Well, well, the military dog looks like it got kicked. So what happened and why are you here?" it asked, not very pleased. It didn't wait for the answer though and beckoned them in first. Ed could feel it scrutinising him. Hanging his head to hide behind his bangs, he tried to get a hold of Warm Rock's hand again. He just couldn't face it. He had managed after his first big screw up and the second, but this third one was a horrible-tasting icing on the metaphorical cake that left him feeling too sick to try again.

Warm Rock politely sat where it was told to and Ed was forced to sit on the other side of the table. Waiting Presence came and joined them. He called it the Waiting Presence because he left it behind here in this place so often, but whenever he came back it was very happy to see him like it had always only waited for him. Just like now. It hugged him, got angry for a moment, then very worried. Ed felt guilty; he didn't want it to worry, but he didn't know what to do about it. He was tense as Wise Presence took the other seat next to him.

"Well?" it asked.

(I can't tell you, I won't be able to bear the look on your face)

But the question was for Warm Rock and it answered. "I apologise for imposing on you and I apologise for failing in keeping Edward safe." It was polite but sincere. "I tried to look after him, I really did, but then something happened. And I have to admit I don't even know what exactly that was. I only know that he seemed to be his old self again but then we got involved in a fight and in the middle of the chaos somewhere something made him snap again. I got, as you already realised, kicked pretty good so I didn't get everything that happened near the end of the fight, but I trust my team to tell the truth when they say he was already like this when they finally got to him and checked him over for injuries. Whatever it was, it happened somewhere between me getting kicked and him getting checked, but he won't tell and no one else has a clue."

Edward had the feeling that somewhere, somehow he already knew about the stuff that was being told, so he blocked it out, uncaring. Though he still listened to the tone of voice. He could hear that Warm Rock was blaming itself. Why was it blaming itself? Edward was the one who had the reasons to feel guilty, he did-... He shut this thought process down right there and instead decided to listen to the words as well now, trying to find out why Warm Rock was blaming itself.

"Because of that," Now it sounded like Warm Rock was reluctant but knew it had to be said and done. "I am here to ask you for help because, truthfully, I can't keep him safe when he doesn't look out for himself in the slightest. There are some new and dangerous developments which I need to work out, but he needs constant care to recover yet with all that's going on I can't provide that. And even if I was in the condition to properly take care of him, I wouldn't know how to for he doesn't respond and I have nowhere to start. So I ask you to take him in again and keep him safe and out of trouble here in Resembool- " But Ed wasn't listening any more.

It was like his entire system was shocked into complete stillness. Like every nerve connection in his brain was blocked because all the energy was stolen from the few synapses that had to process the information he just heard. And those synapses had a hard time because the information they processed before, the panicked please don't say it!, lingered still, trying to keep them from confirming what his ears just told them. But they did confirm it. Suddenly he knew the suitcase Warm Rock had carried was not for all of them because they were going to stay a few days. It was his alone. Only he was supposed to stay here. And it was like a kick in the stomach. It caught his breath and made him want to throw up.

Waiting Presence was talking to him now, asking questions and speaking random words of comfort. This care that he didn't deserve only made things worse though. Finally Warm Rock rose from its seat. It came over, stood in front of Ed and its voice had the calm confidence of someone who knew how to make themselves be heard.

"Just tell us what it is, Fullmetal."

And Ed started to tremble. He was too scared to tell them. He couldn't even admit it to himself, so how was he supposed to tell?!

"Come on, Edward..." Warm Rock pressed.

Should he, should he not? Could he, could he not? Ed started to sweat and his breathing increased, nearing the point were it turned to hyperventilating.

"Soldier back off, let the boy breathe. We don't want him to faint," Wise Presence ordered, clearly displeased with Warm Rock. "Winry, take them to the kitchen for some coffee, I'll stay with Ed so he can calm down without distraction before we start again."

Ed only registered Warm Rock moving away. Was it leaving already? It walked towards the door! No, NO, that presence couldn't leave, he trusted it! Why didn't it stay or take Ed with it? Was Ed unimportant to it after all, did it just trick him, string him along as long as he was useful? Please no, please no, he knew it was prone to tricking people, but only enemies, right? Right? It couldn't just walk out of the door, he couldn't bear to see someone so important walk out of the door! But it was already putting its foot in the doorway, it was leaving him here, oh please no, please NO, not that again! Ed jumped to his feet to follow so fast that his leg got caught in the table-leg and sent him to the floor. Immediately he tried to get up again, kicking his chair away and nearly falling again in his haste.

"Sir!" Professional Presence said alarmed but Warm Rock had halted and turned already. For a second it seemed confused, then concerned, and then it came back. It came back! Putting a placating and reassuring hand on Ed's shoulder it made him sit again, obviously afraid he might hurt himself somewhere, and then remained standing next to him. Slowly, Ed stopped moving and calmed down.

"Has this ever happened before?" Wise Presence asked. Edward was now cautious, listening to it for it might try to make the Warm Rock go away again.

"Well when they first allowed him to see me after the fight he threw a real tantrum at the end of visiting hours until they allowed for him to stay. And since then he always made sure I'm never more than a few steps away. I thought it was because in Central I'm the person he knows best and therefore trusts the most, but I never thought he'd still be like this with you around..."

Good, there were no words that indicated that Warm Rock still wanted to leave. Edward felt himself relax again. But Wise Presence spoke again, freezing his blood "Well, now that we're warned, please go to the kitchen." And it put a hand on Ed's other shoulder to keep him calm when Warm Rock took its hand away.

Warm Rock seemed reluctant but it did as it was told. And Ed wanted to follow again. But he couldn't, he didn't want to risk hurting Wise Presence while shoving it out of the way. So all he could do was start to shake like a leaf once again and hang his head. His automail was rattling like the chain of a ghost in a horror story and he could feel a lump starting to close his throat. But then who was he to stop someone from walking away from someone as horrible as he was? Though it hurt, it really hurt. Even though he deserved it, it ate away his heart.

And then Warm Rock stopped again, determined. "I'm sorry Mrs Rockbell, but I won't leave him like that. I'll stay while he calms down." And it started to walk back to Edward.

Wise Presence sounded content. "And here we have the reason why he's scared all of a sudden." It pointed at Warm Rock taking its place beside Ed's chair again "It's exactly this behaviour that makes him depend on you so much. You're a really stupid man if you think he only freaked out when they wanted to separate you because he had no one else in Central. That boy trusts you with all he has, Colonel Mustang, and he does so because he knows you won't leave him hanging. He knows you try to, I even think he knows you can set things right for him. And he's scared because of you leaving."

"But he shouldn't be, I don't even know how to start helping..."

"You really are dense. You already started by deciding to come out here and have me shove you into the right direction!"

Warm Rock might have answered something, but it was surprised by Edward standing and wrapping his arms around it for the boy had finally realised that Wise Presence's hand wasn't keeping him on the chair anymore. Ed distantly felt stupid for it but he just needed to keep Warm Rock close, it had decided to stay with him and he wanted it to know how grateful he was for that so maybe it would decide to not leave him here. He buried his face in its chest, feeling its momentary confusion and embarrassment slowly fade away until it finally wrapped its arms around him, too. The young alchemist smiled and happily squeezed the warm body some more. Immediately its hold on him tightened as well.

But something was wrong. While the grip tightened, the body also stiffened, holding its breath. It was less like a stronger hug and more like muscles involuntarily contracting in order to endure pain. But why should there be pain? He heard Professional Presence ask a worried "Colonel?" and lessened his hold.

"I'm fine," Warm Rock replied but Ed knew it was a lie. There was definitely something wrong, but what? Maybe he wasn't careful enough with his automail arm and some metal part of it had dug into the Warm Rock's side, bruising it? He needed to check, he didn't want to hurt it, not again. So he stepped back. Carefully shoving up the uniform jacket he ignored protest and questions, his flesh hand tenderly prodding and searching for injury underneath the shirt. And finding one. Only it felt like it was already bandaged because it had happened before today...

His eyes widened. How could he have been so stupid, how could he have forgotten something like this?! Warm Rock was hurt, it got stabbed. No not it, but he, the colonel!

And Edward had forgotten about it!

The boy's eyes widened as he was shocked into awareness. He had blacked out and turned numb in the middle of a fight where his friends' lives were in danger. He had forgotten about the colonel being injured and left him to fight his way out of the situation alone. Mustang could have been killed! Would Ed have even realised his death? He didn't know an answer to this question. He only knew that he was the most stupid and selfish person in the world and that Mustang had every right to leave him to rot away in Resembool.

Eyes still wide, he backed away from the colonel. The man must be so disappointed, so angry, how the hell did he even manage to be civil, even caring, towards Edward during the last... Ed didn't even know how long it had been! He made another step back, pressing his head in his hands.

Useful, Mustang must have tried to find out whether Ed might return to a useful state. It was the only reason why the colonel could have kept him along. His thrive for Führer was above his personal dislikes towards Edward. But now the Flame had given up on him, leaving him behind in the easiest way that wouldn't damage his image in front of his subordinates. Though those probably hated Edward too for not looking after their commander but taking so much of his time and care.

He backed off some more and then decided to run. Yes run, run away and spare everyone from all the sorrow he brought with him. There was no way he could face them now, no way he could ask them to care about him when he himself didn't manage to care about them. No, all he could do was run, run, run until he died from exhaustion and the world was finally free from him.

A firm grip on the hood of his red coat jerked him back and ended his plan to flee.

"Didn't I tell you not to run away?" Mustang asked him, turning Ed towards him, one eyebrow raised.

Yes Edward remembered running into Mustang in the alley, remembered the slap that caught his attention so he would listen to the words."Don't you dare to ever run away again! Do you know how worried you had us?"

But he didn't deserve their worry. Not when... "I forgot, Colonel, you were wounded and I forgot!" he cried, voice shaking. He started to pull at his bangs as he pressed his fists to his head. "I need to get away from you all, I'm horrible! How can you even stand talking to me?! I, I just forgot, I can believe I forgot, I-, I-, please don't hate me! No, do hate me! Get away and stay safe I-, I-"

"Edward."

The calm interruption shut him up immediately. He stared at the colonel. Mustang looked calm and very serious, yet there still was a tiny lift to the corner of his mouth and a glint in his black eyes that took the edge of the grave expression and Ed's fear away.

"It's called shock, and it happens even to the best. I don't hate you, nor am I angry. Just tell us what brought it on so we can work on it not happening again."

Edward just stared for a while longer. Though he couldn't find any lie or the trace of a mask on Mustang's face. "You... you really don't.." he realised, baffled.

The colonel nodded.

"But-"

"No buts."

"But-"

"I said no buts, Fullmetal."

He stared at Mustang who looked and sounded ready to even make full use of his position as Ed's commanding officer to get his point across. The colonel had made up his mind and Ed wouldn't be able to change it. And that's when it clicked. The reason why he was clinging so much to Mustang was simple: One of the two things he was searching for because he needed it to get better, was someone who he could confess his sin to without having to fear being abandoned for it. Someone who would listen to the end and think about what he had been told instead of just judging Ed after a few words. And if they judged then it would be fair and well thought of. It would help Ed go on and maybe even atone for his sins in a fair punishment. And this someone just had to be the colonel.

Winry and Pinako already had to forgive him for screwing up Al's transmutation and taking him from them. He couldn't bring himself to tell them just what else this transmutation had cost. They should live their happy and peaceful lives in Resembool without him always ruining things for them. And even if he told them and they still decided to take care of him again and not hate him, they still couldn't understand the whole thing or help him live with it. Something Mustang could though. The colonel was also an alchemist and a rather smart one at that. He could follow Ed's train of thought no matter how messed up or diffused with alchemy laws they were. And even more important: Amestrian soldiers were no strangers to killing. So Mustang just had to know a way out of the swamp made up of blood and guilt because the colonel was still here. A bit damaged, but here, which meant he made it out.

Though would the colonel really be willing to help him so much, again? He said he wasn't angry at or hated Ed, and Ed believed him, but still. Weren't they here so he would stay with the Rockbells? Was he important enough to the colonel to make him rethink his decision and put up with him some more, despite all the other troubles that lay ahead of them and would keep them busy?

Well, there was only one way to find that out. Ed tucked at Mustang's sleeve. "Cook pasta!"