Look who's still alive and kicking :D Sooo this chapter isn't the usual but it helped me getting back into writing this story and I hope it helps you getting back into reading this. Enjoy!

As always: Thanks for the reviews! :)

I apologize to those who I didn't answer to this time! I promise I'll answer now :D

Chapter 26

Interlude

(Mustang's POV)

Colonel Roy Mustang had never been a person to really eat breakfast. That changed though because of Edward Elric. Like a lot of other things did.

After the Massacre of Ishbal Roy had thought he knew just how cruel and unfair the world could be. Well, said cruel and unfair world taught him that it was always ready to show him a new way of being cruel and unfair. Its means of teaching was killing off the single man Roy had always thought of as nearly invincible, simply because he was too good to deserve death. He would have understood if he himself had been murdered in a telephone booth, taunted by the fact that help was just on the other end of he line but would never reach him in time, but he never understood why that fate came over Maes. Sure, the man was annoying as hell with all his photographs and stories about his wife and daughter but Roy threatening him with murder if he didn't stop babbling several times had still always only been in jest. Because once the initial annoyance had subsided he'd always silently smile, glad that his best friend had this family full of love. He'd seen first hand on Fullmetal what a father who didn't seem to care could cause. So why a brilliant, loving, caring man like Maes Hughes, who always only wanted the best for the people around him, had to die was beyond Roy's understanding.

And it set him on edge, made him anxious, fearing even more for every other person he cared about being hurt. Roy started to dig into the case, trying to find out what had happened to Maes so he could keep it from happening to someone else. He wasn't allowed to openly freak out, his team needed him as a strong leader so he worried silently (they caught on anyway, he realised with a warm smile) but it was hard to keep his protective string under control and not just keep everyone locked up in his office day out day in until all danger was gone. That simply wouldn't do them any good, after all the danger wouldn't vanish on its own, they had to fight it. He had to let them do their job outside of his line of sight as well, not matter how much it bugged him.

So when Fullmetal didn't report back from his current trip after two weeks, like he was supposed to, Roy barely waited the necessary twenty-four hours before he ordered people to track the two young alchemists down, disguising his fear for their safety by saying he would finally drill some military courtesy into Ed, the boy couldn't act like a spoiled brat and ignore the rules forever, Roy was done being lenient. At that point he still had enough optimism left to be sure they'd find him and Al unharmed somewhere in a village in the middle of nowhere where there was simply no phone to call him with, or cooped up in some ancient library, nose too deep in a book to remember Fullmetal's commanding officer expected them to call. The boy would be annoyed and rant at him for being paranoid and disturbing him in his research again.

But Roy didn't get that rant. Instead the cruel and unfair world chose to teach him another unnecessary lesson. It seemed the universe didn't like that tiny human Roy Mustang who wanted to make the world better. It was too proud of the world it had constructed to allow the ones who had to live in it to help improve it, no, instead it made people suffer and showed him once again that he was too helpless to help. Roy hated it. It was one of the reasons why he would not allow himself to give up. After getting the boy out of that basement, burning the gruesome corpse and sweeping up the ashes to bring what was left of the brothers back to Resembool, he swore to himself he'd help Edward get back on his feet.

Problem was: Roy had no idea how to do so.

He decided that first Edward should recover with his fami-...the people he considered family, catch himself with the help of those who were closest to him. That would surely put some life back in those terrifyingly empty eyes, right? It had to. So for the moment Roy left the boy with those who were cut out to comfort the boy much better than he ever could: the Rockbells.

The case of a horrible murder thankfu-... no, he couldn't be thankful for people dying. Anyway, the case kept him busy and his thoughts away from the question of Edward Elric making progress and the safety of everyone, more or less allowing him to kind of relax for a while because his worry was drowned in work. Since he hadn't heard anything from the boy he simply assumed that he wasn't ready to go back into active service yet and still needed some time. He didn't mind giving time to the boy, seeing the first corpse of his current case had reminded Roy so much of that thing that should have been Alphonse that he had wanted to burn it and then go and throw up. He had pulled himself together though, not willing to drop his mask in front of some investigation team and then proceeded to investigate, glad that Fullmetal wasn't around because the boy would have surely wanted to help them and if he himself could barely stomach that corpse... he didn't want to know what the view would do to Edward.

After a month though he had to go and visit Fullmetal because, while he was allowed to give the boy some time, he couldn't just leave him somewhere without some documents being filled and filed. It was doing paperwork or declaring him AWOL. So he took his trusted lieutenant with him, happy that he had a reason to at least keep one person within his line of sight so he could do everything to make sure they were fine, and went to Resembool. Since Al had been Ed's reason to stay in the military he also took resignation papers with him, hoping they wouldn't need to be filled out though. If Ed left the military it meant ties to Roy would be cut because they simply weren't close enough for Roy to try and help the boy without the state forcing them to interact with one another. Mustang could only hope that Ed would be willing to go on and try to get his arm and leg back in remembrance of Al.

But Ed wasn't willing. Roy was presented with the same lifeless boy he had carried out of the basement. The colonel took one look at him, at the Rockbell women being so soft and tender towards the boy and refused to mellow his behaviour. Soft and tender didn't seem to get a reaction from Fullmetal and Roy had never been good at acting like that anyway, so he tried to be his usual self. His usual self irritated Ed and if he had to agitate the boy for a reaction so be it. It didn't work though. No fire in Edward's eyes. But plenty of material that would burn if only it could be lit somehow. Roy felt as useless as Fullmetal liked to call him. It was frustrating.

In the end he had to let Ed leave the military.

But then, some time later, he had the perfect reason to get in contact with Fullmetal again, see if maybe those golden eyes contained a new fire. Well, the reason was not perfect, it was an array used for murder after all, but still. First he had wanted to simply send it like any other military document: without any personal touch. But he couldn't bring himself to do that. The colonel was aware that the transmutation circle was close to human transmutation, he had dabbed into that field himself and could see the signs, so he wanted to tell the boy not to get any stupid ideas from it. But what if only him mentioning doing something stupid would make Fullmetal think about it? So Roy settled to hoping that the care of the Rockbells would be enough to keep Ed safe from that idea. Still, how to write a letter to Fullmetal?

He couldn't decide on an opening so he left it aside to be thought about later. Then he chewed on his pen for a while, clueless. In the end he chose to write the way he would talk to the younger alchemist; facts and bits of sarcasm and humour. It was surprisingly easy once he started. When he finished he realised his office was suspiciously quiet, no chattering between his trusted but honestly not very normal subordinates. He looked up to see them staring at him like he was doing something really fascinating.

"What?" he asked.

"Well, you look awfully interested in that paper you're working on, it's a new sight considering how you normally do paperwork, sir" Hawkeye finally explained.

"Is it maybe the form for the new dress code for the female officers?" Havoc asked hopefully, receiving a glare from the Hawk's Eye and grinning sheepishly as an apology.

Roy pondered it for a moment then admitted, "I'm writing a short note to put in with the array to send to Fullme-... Edward Elric. Anyone something they want to tell him?"

And they all at the same time started to tell, yelling to be heard over the others when they realised that Roy couldn't make out a single sentence in the mix of voices. Roy chuckled at the kindergarten he sometimes had for a platoon and gathered their concern in one sentence: They wished Edward the best. He added what he wished for the former Fullmetal after a moment of being thoughtful as well and smirked widely while adding the signature that would most likely confuse the boy a bit. Colonel Bastard indeed.

When they received an answer, short as it may be, it made them all happy. He chose to tell the boy that. Not long after that Ed slipped into his office. And Roy gladly returned the title and the watch he never had cleared out of his desk in hopes for the miracle of a spark despite everything. He was pretty sure the higher ups wouldn't mind that there hadn't been a re-evaluation. And they didn't. The Führer was quite happy Fullmetal was back in their ranks.

"He's different," Havoc had said when Ed had left after signing his contract again.

"Somehow lifeless," Fuery agreed sadly.

"Well, he did lose everything," Falman said, not to remind them but to express sympathy.

"Then we gotta help him find something new, huh?" Breda announced.

"He won't need something new, there's still enough there that he just doesn't see yet," Hawkeye told them with a small smile.

And they all expectantly looked at Roy, as he leaned in the doorway to his private office, thoughtfully and still progressing the Edward he had just seen.

"Hawkeye's right," he then said. "There's a spark in him and we will help it grow into a fire again, because we are still here. The boy's our comrade, no matter how much younger, bratty and all together different he is."

"So we'll do what Amestrian soldiers do when one is lost?" Havoc asked.

Roy nodded. "Soft and tender and misery's company didn't work with the Rockbells so it won't work with us either." He stepped out of the doorway and stood before them, every inch the colonel, listing what most of them had learned the hard way. "We won't pity him, we won't stop marching on to fuss over him and most of all we will show we're sad but not enough to drag him down again. We will carry on and make him do so too."

"Yes, sir!" they answered in one grim salute. And he knew he could count on his team to help out the best they could.

The same day proved a new task though when he found Fullmetal sleeping on a bench outside of the command building. Well, maybe the young alchemist was just tired from the train ride and making the decision of coming back. He didn't think anything of it then. Roy just gathered the boy up in his arms, asked Hawkeye to take the suitcase and marched him to the car. During the ride he pondered the strange instinct that had made him do so instead of just waking the pale boy up. While booking Fullmetal a dorm room he came to the conclusion that probably he just didn't want to spoil how... content he felt with Fullmetal back here where he could try to do something about the boy's state by waking him and having to deal with the typical I-don't-need-your-help-attitude the boy was so prone to.

Because of that attitude he tried to be subtle and express his concern with notes at first when Fullmetal decided that sleeping on that bench should be a regular occurrence. It didn't help though and also Fullmetal seemed to lose weight, something Roy couldn't understand because everyday in the mess hall he saw the blond eat his usual (bigger than) normal portion of food. So if nothing was wrong with Fullmetal's eating habits, then what was making him lose weight?

And that's why when he finally took the boy in Roy Mustang turned into someone who ate proper breakfast every day. He knew how to cook good breakfast, had often done so for his 'sisters' at Madame Christmas' house when he was younger so when they had to wake up after working late into the night they were at least greeted with a fine meal, and he knew that if he ate it would put a bit of pressure on Fullmetal to eat a proper portion as well. Also eating in company was said to make you happier. And really, the boy started to get back to a more healthy body weight soon while staying with Roy. The colonel refused to acknowledge that he himself gained a few pounds too, until he was back to the weight he had before Maes died.

Roy could never really explain just why he had taken the boy in though. Maybe it had to do with him not being willing to analyse some of his own emotional troubles too much that he couldn't explain his behaviour. Sure, he wanted to help the boy, but he was also aware that as his commanding officer he should only care to a certain degree. So the reason why he felt absolutely right to overstep these boundaries and take the boy home (putting up with stupid rumours without caring much for them except for a small rush of anger) was probably rooted somewhere deeply in his far too loyal and annoyingly caring personality for him to care and find out. He sometimes really hated these traits of his character because it would be so much easier if he just didn't care. It would save him a lot of pain. But then he knew he'd turn into those he was trying to get past and kick off the throne so he could turn this country around if it wasn't for him being him, so he put up with it to the best he could. He made an effort to control his facial expressions and body language and never openly showed more of his caring side than needed to be considered normal, to protect those he cared about from being taken as hostage and because it made it easier to ignore the stinging pain in his heart if one of them got hurt.

Yet seeing the boy, who had stubbornly kept it all in and not uttered a single word when Roy confronted him in the office, finally break down in his car and stutter his explanation of why he hated the dorm room too much to sleep there and admit that he felt alone, gripping tight onto a damn umbrella while doing so because there was no person left for him to cling to except two women who were far away from Central, pierced right through the shield of professionalism he was initially set on keeping up despite wanting to help.

"Where will you take him?" Hawkeye had asked when he had told Ed to get his things.

"Depends," Roy had mumbled.

"On what?"

"On if he misses Hughes too much too."

She smiled a bit and said, "You can do it," and kept silent then. He smiled too, equally shortly and only a small smile, but he smiled nonetheless because she encouraged him that he could really manage looking after a depressed house guest because she understood that he tried to think about another place to bring the boy to, but all the places he came up with on the spot were tainted as well. Fullmetal confirmed that when Roy listed them anyway, just to make sure there was no other way than him risking to screw up and make the boy even worse.

Because Roy had never learned to comfort people more than what his awkward instincts told him to do. No matter how confident and often downright manipulating he usually was when dealing with others, situations like that were not his field. He had grown up without parents to look after him so he didn't know what would soothe a child or encourage it to start over. And Fullmetal was a child no matter what the two alchemists liked to convince themselves of. All Roy knew was the way Madam Christmas had brought him up, never uncaring or without love but not typical parental either. She worked with teasing, making him want to show the world what he could be just to spite everyone who thought the boy who grew up in that questionable bar would end up as a pimp.

Unfortunately, where Fullmetal usually responded well to that teasing method, he now needed something else. There was no Hughes for Roy to ask for help and what he had seen of the man's parenting skills before his death didn't really help him either now because Elysia was a happy child.

It also didn't help that Roy lived most of his life in the professional environment of the military, never having a reason to acquire comforting skills because it was simply unnecessary there since people went home or to friends to be comforted, not to their commanding officer.

So now he just did what this strange new instinct told him, hoping his gut feeling was right.

His instincts had to go through their first hard test when Havoc left that picture of a corpse on Fullmetal's desk by accident. Roy was sure the boy didn't want to hurt anyone, but he could see that he wasn't himself, wasn't there at that moment. He knew that dangerous state of mind, he had been in it himself, had lost his head in Ishbal and simply snapped at everything moving because he couldn't take the killing in a conscious state any more. But then he had almost hit his own people and so he had forced himself to endure it with an alert mind after all. His pistol had looked very good after all of this.

Anyway, he had handled the situation with Ed okay then, he thought. Unlike the day when he encountered that state of mind again when he came home to find Fullmetal was trying to activate a human transmutation circle, his human transmutation circle, on the living room floor. After pulling the boy away from the array, suffering injury as consequence for giving in into panic and getting the boy back to a somewhat clear mind after that, he had felt a hell of a lot guilty and stupid and shaken because he didn't know what to do then. Fullmetal looked so scared and shocked, Roy had made sure not to move too suddenly or come too close to him and set him off again. He was sure the boy was afraid of him, waiting for Roy to leash out and punish him for trying to commit this crime and injuring him in the end. And as much as Roy wanted to slap some sense into him, he couldn't hit the boy for trying to do something he had been very close to doing himself after Ishbal or when Maes died. Roy could understand the desire to bring back the dead too well for that.

So after washing the blood away, fixing up his arm and changing out of the ruined set of uniform (all the way beating himself up about being so stupid and assume ever curious Fullmetal wouldn't care to look at an alchemy beginner's book and therefore not removing it from its place on the book shelf where he could always see it while sitting on the couch, a silent reminder of his own failures) he went back into the living room to look after his charge and found Fullmetal had cried himself to sleep. Deciding that for now the boy needed the rest more than his awkward attempts at comforting he let him sleep.

The next day he made sure to give Fullmetal space, hoping he would understand this way that there was no reason to think Roy would do him harm and seek retribution for the injury on his arm. Hawkeye had dragged him to the infirmary because of it and he had reluctantly told her what happened.

"Do you think I should bring him somewhere else after all?" he had asked, doubting he was able to keep the boy safe anymore.

"If you do that while telling him you aren't angry then he would think you're lying and beat himself up anyway," she had said.

"Better he thinks I'm a liar than him ending up doing this again."

"But then if you're a liar, how can he trust that you're trying to help him?"

"So I'll just try again, huh? Like always."

"Like always. We're not allowed to give up."

"No rest for those who killed." He whispered that too quietly for her too hear so she wouldn't be upset. When they came back to the office Fullmetal was gone and Roy ended up giving him a slap after all once he had chased him down again. He hadn't been able to take that he had just brought up the energy and resolved to start again and then Fullmetal vanished, leaving Roy to fear the worst.

It turned out giving the boy space had been exactly the wrong move. He found out later as he told Edward he wasn't afraid of him and to show it wrapped the injured arm around the boy who was clinging to his shirt. Roy didn't think he was the best for Fullmetal to cling to, especially after he just misjudged the situation so totally, but he was at least better than an umbrella so he allowed Edward to grab on to him tightly, though telling the boy his comforting skills weren't that well developed. He didn't want Edward to put too much faith into him and be disappointed because Roy couldn't live up to what he expected of a caring adult. Ed didn't seem to mind though and surprised Roy by requesting only one simple thing; that Roy wouldn't push him away.

The colonel wasn't used to people putting up with his flaws, only very few did so and these were the few he cared about and trusted as well. He explained it to himself with equivalent exchange because he put up with their flaws as well. Everyone else was either his enemy or political concurrence and would take advantage of him not being good at something, just like he did in turn to climb the ladder to the top faster. Who wasn't enemy or friend usually was a higher up who didn't put up with him either and instead expected him to change and do better to their benefit. Hell, Roy himself didn't really put up with himself, always trying to do better and get into the Führer's seat to make up for what he did wrong. So when Edward put up with his awkward way of comforting just like that instead of demanding he go learn and do better the next time he couldn't help but feel happy even though he should be focused because Ed was the one who needed to be cheered up. So he reigned in his happiness, locked the feeling away for bad days, and instead settled on making sure the boy knew that Roy didn't think he was dangerous and trusted him not to do that transmutation again. When he put the now sleepy boy to bed though he couldn't help but give into the urge he knew was parental, because he had heard Maes chuckle the same way while tucking in Elysia, and wished Edward a good night with all the warmth he had to offer in his tentative way.

The night wasn't good at all, however. He woke up from the sound of water permanently running and found Ed in the shower, distressed and slightly out of it from a nightmare. This at least he more or less knew how to deal with, having sat in that same tub quite a few times, frantically trying to wash off sand saturated with ashes and blood. He hated offering personal information because it made him vulnerable so he kept it to a minimum but let show that he knew what he was talking about so Fullmetal couldn't yell, "You don't know anything!" and refuse to accept his help in getting over this nightmare. And really, Edward told him what bothered him and Roy pulled him out of the swamp, telling him what of that dream was real and what wasn't without being cold towards the boy though or making him feel stupid for having that nightmare. You couldn't help your dreams after all.

When Edward asked him why the transmutation circle for human transmutation had been there in his book he hesitated, but then told his reason anyway. Maybe if Edward knew that others were stupid and dabbed into these forbidden fields as well then the boy wouldn't feel so horrible about himself anymore and brighten up a little again, not feeling that lonely anymore. Roy felt like he had accomplished something as he finally saw a spark of that Elric-determination again when the boy told him he'd stop the colonel should he ever stumble on his path again. The cruel and unfair world had looked a bit better then.

The next day it punished them for thinking that by letting Fullmetal stumble upon a fresh crime scene.

Telling himself to count to ten, telling Fullmetal to count to ten, making sure none of them panicked because if that happened then everything would crumble for the shaken young alchemist he just placed in the back of a car again. Having to put duty over personal matters at that moment felt horrible but he could see the boy had understood it was necessary at least for a few seconds. Had the boy been any worse Roy would have taken him back to the apartment anyway, but it seemed like focusing on waiting until there was time for his breakdown (he hated how that sounded, like Ed was insignificant, unimportant to them all) seemed to help the boy with staying sane so he allowed for the investigation and case-meeting to go first.

"How is he?" his subordinates had asked when he took the coffee and tea from the ever considerate Hawkeye, smiling his thanks for her thinking ahead.

"I think he'll be better soon," he'd told them and walked back into his private office, sitting down next to Fullmetal.

And then he watched Edward break down without actually looking at it, giving the boy as much privacy to cry and mourn as he could while simultaneously being there for him and making sure he got it all out of his system without interruption. Though he still wasn't sure how to, he would only start actively comforting the boy when the usually so proud alchemist would let slip a sign that it was okay, not before when it would just be seen as meaningless act of pity to shut up the annoying kid's crying.

He was surprised when Ed actually leaned against his side with his full weight, but chose to wonder about that later. Roy hadn't been held with real care often, most physical contact he had was either meaningless sex with a woman that wasn't an informant of his or he got hit in a fight, but he still knew that people could feel when you held them while your mind was elsewhere. And it made them feel unimportant despite the closeness of their bodies. So he didn't think about anything at all and just focused on holding the boy until they both fell asleep, exhausted from all that was going on lately and the strain of, in Ed's case, crying and in Roy's comforting more then he was used to.

He decided to cook himself when they went back to the apartment that day, feeling Fullmetal could use a bit of a homey atmosphere and the feeling of safety associated with it. Also cooking gave him something to do so he wouldn't look all fidgety and insecure while trying to make sure Ed felt better, something Roy didn't really like to do because he simply wasn't one for asking about such things. He'd say he was more the type for action instead of words but then he guessed he sucked at actions too most of the time and so he just settled to thinking he was hopelessly awkward anyway so might as well try talking. Surprisingly, once the question was out of his mouth it wasn't that hard to speak with Ed. Until Ed asked,"You said partly. What's the other reason?"

He inwardly cursed his slip up and tried to find an answer to that. Why did he help Ed apart from his own selfish reasons? He did know why, but he was always wary of allowing people to know their true value for him. If they found out about their value in his plan for making Führer, fine, he couldn't care less, he'd manage to manipulate them into doing what he needed them to do anyway somehow, or, like his subordinates, they trusted him and followed his command still and in turn he'd make sure to never disappoint that trust and keep them as safe as he could while moving them as they were needed. But allowing them to know he'd try to keep them safe in exchange for trust and dedication to the cause was a whole other thing than letting them know if he actually cared when they got hurt after all. That would be letting them know their true value, the value they held in his heart's view.

But if there was one thing that he knew it was that Edward wouldn't try to use that information. After all, he decided to tell. The boy put up with Roy and the boy was concerned he was a burden to Roy. He should know he wasn't. He should know there was someone who cared about him. So Roy showed just how good he was at saying a simple thing in the most complicated way.

"I'm not sure, but I guess you little brat somehow managed to become quite dear to me."

"I'm not sure either, but the same might go for you, stupid bastard," was Ed's answer and the colonel felt relieved and happy. He smiled to himself. He had made a new friend, something he didn't think he'd do again for quite some time because the closer he got to the top the higher the chance that whoever he befriended might turn out to be anything but a friend. His trust was in those he started the journey with. But as in many things Fullmetal was an exception and he had managed to get on the list of people Roy would care for with everything he had, anyway.

And so he didn't mind assuring the boy that he could stay as long as he wanted to, to consider this apartment his home too. Actually it was a rather easy step for him to take. He'd learned to share a home with and welcome people who weren't actual family when his foster mother took in his 'sisters' seemingly randomly, he didn't see it as a burden or lost privacy. As long as the privacy of his bedroom was respected he couldn't care less about the other rooms and as long as Fullmetal did his small part in the household he wasn't a burden either. Ed seemed so happy about it he even hugged Roy, shocking the colonel into choking on his food.

Yet during the last few years he'd gotten used to living alone again so Roy kept spacing out a few times in the beginning, the current murder case heavy on his mind. He explained it to Fullmetal so the younger alchemist knew he didn't mean to ignore him. They settled to playing a game every other evening or discuss alchemy, sometimes other topics and soon Roy was used to the other's presence. And he still didn't mind it at all. It was nerve-racking and taxing sometimes because as Fullmetal got better he also got more energetic and mischievous but they had enough quiet moments in between that it didn't really annoy him and he just enjoyed the challenges thrown his way. It made life more interesting.

So life went on and things seemed to get better, they closed in on the killer and Fullmetal seemed to be his old self again. Roy felt joy whenever he watched the boy laugh or banter with his subordinates, or when he bantered with and talked to Fullmetal himself, even when Ed did something like hide the milk away, something the timid shadow of a boy he had taken in that day would have never dared to do, afraid Roy would throw him out and leave him alone again every moment. He never even seemed to have enough life within him to even come up with that idea. Now though golden eyes burned bright like the sun again and Roy felt content, almost ecstatic, that he had succeeded in helping the boy stand back up again. He still hadn't heard a proper short-rant from Fullmetal but he was optimistic he'd manage to get one out of the boy before the small alchemist hit a growth spurt. Meaning he'd probably have forever to try. He chuckled to himself at the thought. Maybe this line would make Ed rant again? He'd try it sometime.

He never got to try though because that same evening Ed went back to being a seemingly soulless body again, doing nothing but sitting and staring, brilliant soul and mind drowned in sorrow. Roy didn't even get what triggered it, he was barely on his feet and keeled over once that blasted homunculus finally died. He usually hated killing but in that moment he really only wanted its life to end, he knew that if he stopped before it was dead then his subordinates would be the ones to die instead. Once sure the creature was gone for good, his hazy mind filed away the information of its core being a red stone and then it shut down.

When he came round again he was in the hospital, receiving the bad news about Ed from a very worried Hawkeye. It took a while until Fullmetal was allowed to visit and seeing all the new fire they'd so carefully cultivated had left the boys eyes again hurt more than his stab wound. It was so unfair, so damn unfair! Roy beat himself up for having taken the boy along on their hunt and that same ugly, vengeful demon that was locked away at the bottom of his soul and twitched whenever he thought about Maes killer raised its head and wanted to sink its fangs into whatever or whoever had caused Ed's new hollow eyes and tear the culprit apart.

He shoved it down and hid it away like always. If he thought about things like that while Ed was snuggled up to his uninjured side, after throwing a fit until they allowed for him to stay, the boy might catch on to the tenseness the anger caused in his body and think it was directed at him. So even though the fit Ed had thrown had really scared Roy for a moment because so much responsibility fell on him with being the one Ed latched onto, the colonel forced himself to be optimistic. He was a military officer, he was used to taking responsibility he told himself.

Ed basically acted like a doll when Roy took him home the next day. He knew he left the hospital too early but he was on medical leave anyway at the moment and he didn't see any difference between sitting at home or sitting in the hospital to heal that damn wound so he didn't care and left because he knew Fullmetal hated hospitals.

The younger alchemist had developed the oddest sleeping-... well it couldn't be called pattern when he just dropped off randomly every few hours. So Roy didn't get much sleep while looking after him, trying to always be awake when the boy seemed to slip into a nightmare. Gracia told him Fullmetal did that often. Though while staying with him Ed was peaceful nearly all the time. Roy still didn't want to take the risk and stayed up to talk the boy through the few nightmares he really had. When the blond was awake Roy tried to make him eat and drink something. Thankfully the boy went for the bathroom on his own though, if he ever had to go with what little he took in.

His subordinates called once a day, sitting together around the phone in the office and telling him what was going on in the world so he wouldn't be out of it when he had to come back to work. They also asked for Fullmetal and he kept them updated, soaking in every encouraging or helpful thing they could say concerning taking care of the boy.

After a week though Roy knew he couldn't keep up that 24/7 care anyway. But he was sure Ed needed it to get going again. He needed the Rockbells to give the boy that first spark again. The colonel called his trusted lieutenant, telling her he'd be back on active duty within the next two days, his first task being to officially escort Fullmetal for rehabilitation in Resembool. She wasn't happy about him pushing himself and she was upset about Edward's state of mind, but she promised to look after him for a day so Roy could catch some sleep before they went on the train. He got his sleep, interrupted by Ed waking him just before falling asleep on the colonel's bed, and then they were off on their way to Ed's small home town.

Fullmetal had seemed reluctant at first to leave the apartment but the train ride seemed to make him happy enough to not want to leave the train either, hesitating at the station. Roy took him by the hand to coax him on the way to the Rockbell house. His lieutenant seemed set on not letting him carry the boy, though Fullmetal really didn't weigh that much these days despite the automail, having lost weight again recently.

Roy had been right about the Rockbells being able to help, though it was a totally different way from what he had initially thought. Pinako told him what he really wouldn't have realised in another way, because while he had understood that he was important to Fullmetal in Central, he was still sure that the boy wouldn't need him with the Rockbells around. Because while Roy had been set on helping Ed because he wanted to, he had always thought the rather proud Fullmetal had only accepted Roy's help and allowed them to grow a relationship that held much more fondness than ever before for the simple reason that no one else was there. Everything there was in that relationship had been build away from Resembool, never had there been any indication that he'd been woven into the web of people Edward trusted and needed, not just added somewhere at the outside with a few sloppy stitches. So he assumed the relationship would be unnecessary and crumble when away from Central and out here in Edward's small home town. He assumed that here he was just Fullmetal's commanding officer again, supposed to go back to Central as fast as possible so he wouldn't bring the damn military close to this place, and wait in the capital until Edward needed him again. He was stunned when he found out, or rather was flat out told by a annoyed Pinako, that his value for Fullmetal wasn't only his status as the only close person the boy had in Central. Stunned, but strangely happy and proud.

And it seemed the boy had taken a liking to his cooking, or that was what he initially thought until he caught on to what the request for pasta was about. His first reaction when Fullmetal told him the secret of the stone was denial. Though the younger alchemist seemed quite sure that Kimbley had spoken the truth. He also seemed to be quite sure that he was a murderer, something that made Roy's temper boil over when Ed wouldn't understand that this just wasn't true.

Outwardly the colonel might have laughed at Edward saying he'd never kill, call it a ridiculous concept and moral that Fullmetal wouldn't be able to hold up in the service of the military. But only so the boy wouldn't be as down when it really wouldn't work out as he'd be had he been encouraged in the thought. Because if someone like Roy, having been in the military much longer and being an authoritative figure would tell the boy he was proud on his resolve and supported it, then Ed might think it was realistically and that none of the missions handed to him would ever lead to a situation that might lead to him killing because Roy who supported him wouldn't let that happen. And true, Roy did his best to give him the least dangerous mission, but he only had so much choice and influence into what requests came from the higher ups.

So when Ed beat himself up for being a murderer without reason and wouldn't listen to the point Roy had, the colonel snapped. Simply because he couldn't watch that brilliant boy destroy himself, not when they had gone through so much. Not after all the fight they had put up to get the boy back on his feet. Not when he knew that Edward had come to depend on him to be there and help him set things right again. He refused to let the boy down and his frustration about Fullmetal just not listening to reason turned into anger about him not being able to get said reason through to that thick, blond covered skull and so in a split second he decided that if he had to show the kid what a real murderer was, what he was, then so be it. He might scare him away and lose Fullmetal's trust with revealing that face of his, but if it accomplished something then he'd see it as a necessary sacrifice and try to regain that trust later on.

He wasn't proud of that rash decision, or shoving the boy against the wall like that, but he couldn't find it in himself to be sorry for it either because it did work. It wasn't the nicest or optimal way but he had saved Edward's fire and in the long run that was important. They would get over being, in Edward's case shocked, in his case disgusted with himself and the number of lives he'd taken, in a while and then they would go back to being their usual, as happy as guilty souls could be, selves.

He sat under the tree next to the Rockbell house while thinking about all of this, about all what happened, what was his fault and what wasn't, absent-mindedly tapping his pistol against his head so he wouldn't dare waver in his resolve. Roy Mustang was not allowed to give up. He had goals and on these he needed to focus because otherwise he wasn't worth the safety on his gun. Where he'd simply been a coward in the beginning he now had made a deal with himself and every person he'd killed. He'd atone for his sins to the best he could and return the favour to all those who trusted him by reaching the top and making their lives better as well, in exchange for his life and maybe finding a bit of happiness every once in a while. That simple.

He explained the shorter version of that complicated vow to himself when Fullmetal surprised him by coming out to search for him and actually admitted that Roy's little habit with the gun had scared him.

And it was then, when they sat there under the tree and made up again, that he knew the momentary hurt and confusion his little outburst had brought about them had been totally worth it. That everything had been worth it, every last bit of stress and fear and confusion and awkwardness and whatnot they had to go through, even the faint scar he carried on his right arm now from Ed's automail sword and the bruise his left arm would develop from the hard punch he'd just received, everything was worth sitting here, trusting the other and calmly talking, bantering a bit, being optimistic for a while. The strange relationship he'd built with Fullmetal, somewhere in the mysterious, nameless middle of the Bermuda triangle made up of friends, family and co-workers was worth all the pride they had to lose when admitting weaknesses to one another to understand what they were thinking, all the insecurities and differences they had to overcome, and every other strain on his nerves and personality he couldn't think of right now.

Yes, it was worth it.

Simply because it made them both happy and helped them go on in their life, despite everything.

So even while he very sheepishly apologised to the Rockbells for leaving the food on the stove, the sauce still on full heat, risking fire and/or damage in their kitchen, or while he had to listen to his lieutenant lecturing him about running out into the rain without a jacket or coat, risking getting ill despite still having an injury that needed to heal, he felt utterly content and couldn't really stop grinning.