Ch. 18
Erik sat back in his chair and observed his work. For the past few hours, he had been scrutinizing every minute detail and fretting over the nuances of his latest project, and he found that he was unable to focus much longer on it.
He stood up and stretched, feeling the stiffness that had overtaken his legs from the painful task of sitting uncomfortably at his desk for far too long. He glanced at the clock; it was two o'clock in the afternoon, and he thought of what to do.
He had not called upon Estella that day, afraid to disturb her if she should be resting, but he decided that it was a good opportunity to do so. A bit of time outside of his room and interacting with someone else should prove to be beneficial to him, and besides; he wished to know whether or not her health had improved.
With an optimistic determination, only few minutes later, he found himself knocking on her door.
"Come in," she called out from the other side, and he took this as a sign that she had, indeed, been feeling better. At least hearing her voice had been a reassurance to him, as the only other times in which he had heard her speak had been amid her disilusions and nightmares.
Once he opened the door and welcomed himself inside, he was grateful to see that she had been seated in front of the lit fireplace with a book in-hand. She also wore an emerald-green-colored gown, and it was refreshing to see that she had even taken the time to pin up her hair. How well she must have felt, after all!
A smile played upon her lips when she saw him, which was something that he had not expected. She set the book down beside herself and turned to him.
"I hope that I am not interrupting anything," he said out of politeness.
"Not at all," she replied warmly.
Erik stood in front of her and folded his hands behind his back. Now that she was awake and fully-competent, he found himself uncertain as to what to do or say in her presence. When she had been unconscious he had not been required to make conversation, and he felt uncomfortable by the questions that were brought to the forefront of his mind.
He wondered if she had planned on running away. Perhaps the accident-whatever had happened-had prevented her from doing so? Had she really been so miserable to be his wife that she wished to leave? He was suspicious as to her intentions, and the thought that he had driven her to such an idea plagued him to no end.
"I want to thank you for what you did for me," she said softly. "I am greatly indebted to you."
She remembered how he had gently wiped away the beads of sweat on her forehead, and though she could hardly remember much else, she thought that she had recalled a voice singing to her as she slept.
If that soothing voice had belonged to him, which she suspected it had, then her opinion of him had greatly improved. She even found herself blushing a bit, and she hoped to use the excuse that the heat emanating from the fireplace had caused the discoloring in her cheeks. Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice.
Erik remained silent, his mind whirling with the darkening thoughts that threatened to consume him. He wondered if this prison-of being trapped in marriage to him-was worse than her former life. Had she been desperate to escape him, even risking her mortality?
She could see the grim expression on his face, and she wondered what it was that gave him grief.
"Is something the matter?" she asked.
Erik was drawn from his contemplation by her light-brown eyes. How unfair it was that his wife should be so beautiful, and to have her fate shackled to that of a monster's.
"I only wish to know why you left," he responded.
Estella glanced down at her hands in shame. Her stupidity had not ceased in humiliating her every time that she thought of what she had done.
"I am ashamed of how foolish my actions were. I can only hope that you will forgive me for placing myself in danger, and for taking your favorite horse, no-less."
Erik allowed her words to absorb into his thoughts, but the one question still lingered. Had she meant to abandon him?
"Were you...were you wanting to leave?" he struggled to ask.
Estella furrowed her brows at him and stood up quickly, wrapping her dark-green shawl around her shoulders as she did so.
"I was not leaving you," she was hasty to defend herself.
He could not help but to be suspicious as to whether or not she was telling the truth, for he could not understand why there would be any other reason for exposing herself to such terrible weather.
"I felt suffocated inside, yes, but I was only wanting a breath of fresh air. I wanted to clear my mind for a bit," she explained.
"You feel as if you are being suffocated?" his voice began to rise in anger. "I know that I have forced your hand to you living here, but have you traded your life with your uncle for a fate that is worse?"
He knew better than to ask her, for all reason and logic told him that no one could possibly be happy with him. It was impossible for him to live even a semblance of a normal life, but yet he found himself unable to control his temper when hearing it spoken from her lips, anyway.
"That is not what I meant!" she replied.
She took a deep breath to prevent herself from allowing her emotions to force her to say something that she would regret, and she knew that stoking the fire of his temper was not an intelligent course of action.
After she had calmed her nerves, she explained herself.
"But you must understand that I am a human being; I have a need for socialization and companionship-"
Yes, he could understand that. Even he himself could not deny that he felt those feelings, and that his loneliness had proven to torment him for many days of his life. Even he longed for a companion.
"-and those are what you promised me before we married. I may not know much or anything about you, but shunning me will not make our circumstances better. Do you not think it beneficial for us to be friends, or to at least have a conversation that does not end in a quarrel, once-in-a-while?"
He was surprised to hear that she was not only requesting his company, but even getting upset about it. No one had ever displayed such strong emotions in his behalf, let alone even desired to spend time with him, and despite himself, he found that he could not stay angry with her for long.
"I was going to return," she added. "But Cesar was startled by something, and I fell."
Erik nodded his head in acknowledgement but didn't know what to say. What was he to say to a beautiful woman whom he had wronged, and who wished for his presence in her life, even if only occasionally?
Estella did not wish to speak more on the matter, for her embarrassment could not be contained. She had regretted her poor decisions and wished that she had found a better way to make her feelings of isolation known to him.
"Perhaps we can start anew by having a meal together? I have not yet eaten this afternoon," she suggested.
Erik knew that he would be uncomfortable by doing so, and he remembered the work that he had yet to finish that lay waiting for him in his room.
"I am overwhelmed with the amount of work that I must finish. I really do not think it best-"
"I thought that you were on a hiatus from your profession?" she asked with suspicion.
She could see his reluctance and she felt that he was avoiding her intentionally.
"I am, but a few weeks have passed since making that decision, and I do not wish to be caught unprepared when I should return," he said.
Estella eyed him cautiously, and she tried her best to conceal her disappointment.
Though she still did not know much about him, she had surmised that he had lacked the experience of entertaining, dining with, or even conversing with other people, and she found his discomfort to be a reason to display forgiveness for denying her request. At least he was not a proud and arrogant man, even if his desire for solitude had rendered him incapable of normal socialization.
"I suppose that I can permit your absence this time," she sighed. "But if you wish to uphold your word, then you will need to show a bit more effort when it comes to conversing with me."
A brief moment of silence passed before her eyes lit up from a new idea.
"What about music?" she asked cheerfully.
"What?" he responded, taken aback by her boldness.
"Would you afford me the opportunity to hear you play? I know how valuable your time is since you have been preoccupied, but I'm not asking for a lot of it," she attempted to persuade him.
He was irritated that her prying into his personal life had never ceased. The last time in which he had played music for another person to hear-especially a beautiful woman-it had resulted in extortion, betrayal, and abduction, and then he had to watch the woman whom he loved leave him for another man. Why would he wish to do something that would remind him of these events?
"I saw the pianoforte in the library, and I confess that I cannot play any instrument, myself. My uncle never allowed for me to learn. But I heard you play not long ago, and you are quite talented," she continued.
Erik was reminded of the time when she had violated his privacy by entering his room, and the thought of her overhearing the songs that were meant to be played for no one did little to convince him to acquiesce to her wishes.
"I did not mean to upset you," she said, noticing that his mood had not softened. "It is just that...you play so beautifully, and I thought that it might be easier for you to spend time with me if you are doing something that you take pleasure in."
He saw the look of grave disappointment and loneliness on her face, and he felt guilty. He began to reason on agreeing with her, and the fact that she had complimented him on more than one occasion had begun to inflate his ego.
Of what harm would it be to play a few songs for her? The two of them were already married, so it was not as if he would deceive her into becoming his bride, as he had meant to do with Christine. They were not around the company of others, so there would be no need to be secretive or threaten those around him.
A little playing of the pianoforte would not be so bad, but he still worried about the memories that would flood his mind. Perhaps if he kept it short and simple, he could tolerate it for a moment enough to play. And he could not deny that he wished to hear more of her flattering in regards to his work, for they had been quite lacking from the mouths of others all of his life.
"Alright, I shall play for you. I can make time at seven o'clock this evening. We shall meet in the library?"
Estella was surprised that he had agreed, after all, and her smile both returned and widened.
"I shall look forward to it," she said. She could hardly contain her excitement.