Jack slunk down in the comfy chair in the living room and did something he rarely ever did—turned on the television and started flipping through the forty-five channels offered by his cable company. He settled on the 1939 version of Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, with Merle Oberon and Laurence Olivier. He had seen Olivier perform Shakespeare in London a few years back and figured this movie would be the best option. He barely remembered reading the book in prep school, but watching the movie brought enough back. Also, he recalled Roman and Isabella were dressed as Heathcliff and Cathy by Ernesto Toscano on the Loretta. In the book, Cathy and Heathcliff loved each other, beyond all others and beyond all time. But Heathcliff was too wild and dangerous and Cathy thought it best to leave him. She left him and it destroyed both of them. It drove him to hatred and darkness and Heathcliff spent the second half of the book mourning the loss of her as he slowly descended into madness.
Was this his future now that Jennifer had left him? Ever since he learned the full scope of Lawrence's crimes, he started to doubt that his reformation was permanent. He could feel all those dark instincts beckoning him back with tempting tendrils. He wanted revenge…like Heathcliff…like he used to.
He looked down at his hands. They were large hands—even compared to most other men. But he had used these hands for such cruel purposes—these hands had held Kayla down, had dialed up Victor to order that Steve get beaten up, to hold Kayla as a shield when Steve confronted him on the rooftop. Thinking back at all the deeds he'd done with these hands, he hated them and he hated himself. Why did he think Jennifer would ever want him to touch her again with these hands?
Jennifer slid her car into an empty parking space and slid the gear into park. For some reason, her mind inexplicably remembered one of her favorite books growing up, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. In the book, Jane realized that although she loved Mr. Rochester, due to insuperable circumstances she could not be with him. Somehow she found the strength to leave him. But having left him, her soul would not allow her to forget him. All the rest of the world seemed cold and passionless in comparison. Jane found even greater reserves of strength and went back. She simply could not allow for him to go way in this world and she another. The whole trip back to Thornfield Hall, Jane worried she had waited too long. Jane knew that some disaster had fallen upon the man she dearly loved.
Growing up, Jennifer always wondered what she would do if she had been in Jane's shoes. Would she choose love and society's dishonor or would she have, like Jane, set herself lost and alone out in the world but maintained her conscience and self-respect?
Fortunately, Jennifer didn't have to make such a galling decision. Her conscience was satisfied now after speaking with Kayla. Despite everything, she was prepared once more to love Jack freely and openly.
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Jennifer rang the doorbell of Jack's penthouse and then adjusted the shoulder strap of the heavy bag she was carrying. She knew it was late, but not too late that Jack had already gone to bed.
She rang again. "Who is it?" Jack sounded sharp and tense.
After all the heartache, Jennifer just wanted to play a little. Having made the decision to return, her heart felt lighter and freer. She called back in a deep voice. "Delivery!"
Jack wasn't budging and getting annoyed, "It's late. Delivery of what?"
Jennifer replied once more in a deep voice, "Silk pajamas."
That got his attention. He flipped off the TV and rose from his chair. He unlocked the door and opened up saying simultaneous, "Silk pajamas?" He then realized it was her, but decided to go for a bad joke instead of contemplating what her presence meant. "Oh good, I thought some guy had a crush on me."
"I was hoping to stay over tonight…if I may? Like we were?"
Jack was stunned. His world couldn't flip that easily from darkness to light, from despair to hope, just with the ring of a doorbell. But it was Jennifer. She was here. Jennifer had pulled back and had not wanted to sleep over since the day of the counseling session. He wanted to know what this all meant. Of course, he could deny her nothing. Just moments before, he was feeling forlorn and lost in shadows. Darkness was creeping up on him and then almost like she knew that this was a moment of his greatest need, she appeared at his threshold like a golden ray of sunshine, apparently ready to restore their relationship.
Jennifer's nerves were electric. She was nervous, but not because of Jack. She wanted to apologize for staying away, but didn't really feel prepared to explain why at the moment. She hoped he would let it be for now. "Can I come in?" she asked shyly.
Jack's response was immediate; he didn't want to reveal all his doubts and self-loathing to her. "Of course," he stepped aside and allowed her in.
"I brought a bag. I was hoping to keep a few things here." She wasn't trying to invade his privacy. Just to let him know that she was wanted something permanent and wasn't planning to back away once more.
Jack glanced at the bag, feeling overwhelmed with this change in fortune. Whatever she wanted, how often she wanted it, then he would oblige.
"It's getting a little late though. Would you like to stay up and talk some or head straight to bed?"
"Let's go to sleep?" Jennifer made it a question. Wanting to know if that was okay with him.
"Okay," Jack took the overnight bag from off her shoulder and gestured for her to go through.
Ten minutes later, Jack was holding her in bed. For both, it felt so wonderful, like returning home after a long trip away. Jennifer drifted easily off to sleep. Jack had several lingering questions about why she stayed away and why she came back and it took him longer to finally drift off.
Before drifting off to sleep, Jack remembered that Steve had called them soulmates and was starting to truly believe that his brother was right. For once, he was glad that his cynical pessimistic self was being proved wrong.
Jennifer never had another nightmare about Lawrence.
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Jack slowly roused from sleep with a curious sensation. As he rose to consciousness, he realized that Jennifer was with him, sleeping beside him—her side wasn't vacant anymore. Holding her all night, knowing she was near to him in mind and in body felt unimaginably amazing. It managed to quell all fears and all doubts. Some of her lustrous hair was feathered across his face, slightly tickling him. He reached up to brush it aside and the movement woke her. She turned around to face him.
"Good morning," she said with sleepy but smiling eyes.
"Good morning," he answered back. "Your hair," he explained.
She reached up and touched his cheek, "Yes, I'm here."
That made him laugh, "No, I meant 'your hair'; it fell onto my face and some got into my mouth." He glanced down at her silk pajamas. "I'm definitely glad you are here, though." He took the liberty to lean over and kiss her on her cheek and was emboldened when she didn't pull back so he kissed her cheek a second time, further back towards her ear.
"Me too," was Jennifer's reply, she was running her hand across his jaw. She loved the feel of his stubble when she caressed his chin or he kissed her. It always reminded her of their island kisses. "I have an early morning at the station," she said indicating that she would have to leave the bed fairly soon. "However, that means I don't have a late night. See you back here later?"
Jack nodded, "Of course."
Before Jennifer left the bed, she kissed him back on his cheek.
Jack woke up again and got out of bed about a half hour later. He dragged himself into the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror over the sink. He was surprised at his reflection. He caught himself smiling. He was actually smiling and feeling something very much akin to happiness.
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That evening, Jennifer arrived at Jack's soon after she got off work. She still had a key and let herself in to start preparing dinner. She still felt at peace with her decision to well, not recommit exactly, but to not let the past get in the way of the future.
Jack arrived home, smelled dinner cooking and couldn't resist calling out, "Hi, honey, I'm home!"
Jennifer quickly put on an apron and grabbed a pinch of flour from the canister in the cupboard and smeared it on the apron. She wanted to create the homey domesticity she had grown to love in her grandparent's house. She came out from the kitchen, with a grin and feeling mischievous.
Jack felt undone. Jennifer always and unknowingly managed a seductive blend of wicked and innocent, temptress and angel. He pushed down those thoughts. Tonight wasn't about being fun and flirty. It was about starting to reconnect from the chasm created by his confession.
"I could use your help in the kitchen. Care to join me?" Jennifer asked.
"Yes." Jack's reply sounded far more throaty than he intended.
After dinner, Jack asked, "Would you like to do something together or do you need to take care of some work?"
Jennifer shook her head. "Actually, I have a different idea. I really enjoyed it when you gave me a massage that one night."
This sounded much better than work to Jack. "Sure, would you like another one?"
Jennifer was a little nervous, "Actually, I'd like to give you one. Would that be okay?"
"Sure." That sounded even better. "Just direct me. I'm yours to command."
"Okay. Take off your shirt." Jennifer hesitated, "And your pants."
That really surprised Jack. "Pants too?"
Jennifer nodded. "Just have your boxers and lie down on the couch."
Jack slowly started unbuttoning his shirt. He was okay with the couch here. They were in the penthouse—not the loft. His gaze never left Jennifer as he was unbuttoning his shirt. He remembered when they were on the Loretta and had broken through a lot of the emotional walls that Jack had built up. Then, Jennifer was unbuttoning his shirt for him and silencing any of his attempts to object with 'I love you.' That had worked. This moment wasn't sexual, but it was electric. It was very sensually charged. They wouldn't make love again for some time to come; Jack knew that and was fine with that, but he was starting to believe it would happen again someday.
Jennifer still hadn't made any explanations. They both were enjoying this relaxed easiness between them and Jack wasn't going to ruin it by pushing for answers. He knew they would come when Jennifer was ready.
Jack finished unbuttoning his shirt and it stayed on and open. Jennifer silently prodded him on. He debated, despite her request, about taking off his pants. It just carried with it too many implied messages.
"Please. We can do this," Jennifer said.
Jack kicked off his shoes and despite her encouragement, still hesitated at his belt. It just seemed so…so predatory.
"You have nothing to prove here with me," Jack said, anticipating her unspoken motive.
"I know," she replied simply, anxious to begin.
Finally, he compromised and turned his back, undid his pants, reached down to pull off his socks and pant legs in one motion. When down to his boxers, he then lied down on his stomach on the couch.
"Do you want a pillow or prefer to lie flat?" Jennifer asked, wanting to make him as comfortable as possible.
"I'm fine like this." His right cheek rested on the sofa cushion and could easily see her as she stood over him. Jack was tense and knew he was going to stay tense the whole time. This massage wasn't about him, about making him relax. Jennifer needed this. He knew she wanted to be able to touch him to ease her way back into her own life and her own sexuality. This demonstration was also to assure both of them, that she still wanted him and could provide for him as an equal partner despite his confession.
Jennifer took a deep breath. She hadn't been anywhere close to Jack like this since they had made love in October at the embassy in New York City. She knew now that she hadn't fooled Lawrence about anything and wondered if he knew that Jack had been with her in that embassy, on Lawrence's turf. That man probably took it as an insult, a slap in his face that needed to be punished.
Jennifer felt some trepidation as her fingers hovered over Jack's strong back. Jack had always been strong and athletic, but very discriminating about his physical pursuits—usually swimming in an indoor pool in the winter or the lake in the summer and horseback riding whenever he could get to the stables. But those were individual sports and reflective of his personality more than competitive team sports like basketball games that had been Emilio's and Frankie's preferences.
She wanted to get reacquainted with Jack. She wanted to gradually resume their physical life so that eventually making love wouldn't seem quite so intimidating, but instead natural. Also, with the evenings that they had shared a bed and sleeping in each others arms, she had realized how important touching, showing simple affection, and cuddling were just as important for a couple as making love. Especially now that she wasn't ready for that—it didn't mean that all physical contact was impossible. And she trusted Jack; she knew he would never get carried away with passion.
During their courtship, they had such a long, achingly long, slow dance as they circled round each other, but never able to commit to being a couple. They didn't really feel comfortable kissing until they were on the Loretta and then escalated to making love soon after on the island. When they returned home, they were mourning Hope and then Jack had accidentally killed Harper while defending Steve and Kayla. They broke up for quite a while and as soon as they got back together, Steve was injured in the boat explosion and Lawrence had kidnapped her. Now they were taking a step back and rediscovering each other in their long slow dance of courtship as they slowly transitioned back to being a couple once more.
She didn't want Jack to feel her hands trembling so she put her palms flat onto his back. She liked feeling his bare skin underneath her fingertips. As she tested her limits, her trepidation eased away, she was able to relax, and she could feel Jack be slightly less tense beneath her.
Jack felt her warm palms, her feather-light fingertips tracing circles and creating patterns along his back. It sent electric pinpricks coursing through him as he experienced more enjoyment than he thought he had a right to. He was laying there, feeling Jennifer work through her fears about Lawrence and try to move beyond their distance about his past.
With their separation, Jack noticed how he had felt in this penthouse by remembering her here and then feeling overwhelmed by her absence. He realized once more the difference that Jennifer made in his life. Feeling her absence acutely when she left him, he wondered how he could have ever pushed her away. How could he have cheated them out of all those precious moments in the past by denying how he felt last spring or when he pushed her away after Harper's death or after she slapped him. He also started feeling guilt. He didn't deserve her loving touch. He didn't deserve her presence or her devotion. He would accept it though, because he would not ever push her away again.
Therefore, for her sake, he gave the appearance of relaxing and consciously worked to untense his muscles. He did derive some amount of physical satisfaction feeling her hands run the course of his body, but such pleasure carried little value for him. Far more important were the looming questions and conversation. Until she spoke, they were just playacting that everything was okay.
Jennifer noticed the difference and felt gratified that he was starting to feel comfortable. Since Jack was relaxing, she didn't want to bring up issues that would bother him, but she had waited long enough to explain why she had stayed away and why she had come back.
"I told my grandmother about Lawrence," Jennifer began. "I'm realizing that I need to do a better job of advocating for myself and what I need instead of trying to be unobtrusive. People care about me and want to help and won't turn and run because things get tough."
Jack turned over so he could look into her eyes, "You mean like me?"
Jennifer shook her head; that's not what she meant and that wasn't the road she wanted to travel down with him. "No. you did push me a way for a long time but that's because of what you were going through. Because you were hurting and believe me, I understand that inclination all too well now because I was doing the same thing. You never pushed me away because I needed you too much. When I do need you, you're always there. You have been for a long time and I know that I can count on you. You've been great through this whole thing, supporting me, loving me…and giving me distance when I needed that too."
Jack steeled himself; he knew the time to talk about the confession had come.
Jennifer wanted to tell him this next part with him facing away; it would be easier to get the words out and to explain. "Turn back over," she requested and Jack obliged.
Jennifer made a little space for herself to sit on the couch next to Jack, still lying, face down. She kept her closest hand, palm down, on his back, needing to maintain that physical connection. "I love you; you know that. And I knew in my heart and my head what I wanted for my life and for my future, but my conscience told me to 'Stop. Slow down. You're at a crossroads. Take your time here at the crossroads and consider all the possible paths of your life. Calmly. Patiently. Deliberately.'"
Jennifer paused; knowing this next part would be difficult to admit and difficult to hear. "I talked with Kayla."
Jack squeezed his eyes shut tight. He didn't think he could bear hearing this. He certainly couldn't discuss Kayla with almost no clothes on. He pushed himself up, eased past her and stood up to put his pants back on.
Jennifer realized him doing that was because this conversation would be difficult for him to hear, but it just needed to be said once so that it could finally be put away forever. "As a woman…as a rape…survivor, I needed to hear her, I suppose. I needed her to know that I didn't think of what happened to her as nothing. That I wasn't so lovesick for you or blind, that I just disregarded what happened to her. And I didn't disregard her, not before and not now. But with everything that happened, the words just finally needed to be said between Kayla and me. Before I could become your wife, I needed to put the past to rest with your ex-wife."
Jack sat down beside her and turned to look at her.
"She really helped me through several things," Jennifer was hesitant to proceed, "Also, she asked me what you had said in the counseling session."
Jack audibly gasped. He had not expected that; he certainly couldn't be mad at either of them though.
"She wanted to know your motivations and she could never ask you directly. So I told her what you said and she told me about afterwards," Jennifer paused before continuing, "She said you apologized."
A lot of other things Jack said that night came flooding back to him, "I said a lot of things."
Jennifer wondered what else he meant, but if neither Jack nor Kayla were willing to say, then it wasn't her business. "That's all she told me."
Jack had been sitting beside her and wanted to get up and pace the room, but he stayed close beside her. He didn't want any distance between them or any barriers—even if that barrier was just a coffee table. "And you decided to come back…to me? Are you sure that is what you really want now that you know the truth? You'll never be able to forget what I said—what I did."
Jennifer shook her head. She knew that separating them, as she had, had been drastic and she needed to do something equally drastic now.
Jennifer picked up his hand, kissed his palm and put his hand over her heart. Flat up covering part of her breast. It was an incredibly intimate and trusting gesture and it showed the truth of the words that followed. She glanced at his hand for a brief second, but she kept her gaze fixed on his eyes. "My heart and my mind are too full with other memories."
She paused and gave a small smile as she decided which memories to enumerate, "You trying to impress me by dressing in that ridiculous leather outfit, you looking at me after I got out of the spring on the island and telling me I was beautiful, you telling me that 'no one would love me the way you love me'—and you were right about that. The way you kissed me in your office last year when I told you how much I believe in you. Those are just a few memories and join those with a thousand more that were poignant, funny, romantic, or loving. With all those memories competing for residence in my mind and heart, there is simply no room for me to hold on to what you said to me in the counseling session. So it can't stay here in my heart and mind, because there is no space for it. My heart is too full. I'm not willing to push out any other memories to make room for it."
There was achingly sweet finality to her voice. For her, his past was in the past and would not affect them any further in their relationship. She would never hold him to account for it again.
Jack inwardly rebelled against that notion. For him, things were complex, complicated, and conditional. Everything must be qualified and given shading. For Jennifer, things were simple and uncomplicated and her love was unconditional. He just hadn't grown up with that and it appealed to him. That was part of the reason he loved her so much. Her love wasn't conditional and couldn't be withheld like with Harper. She wasn't so judgmental like Angelica. And yet, it wasn't just those simple qualities that bound him so strongly to her. It wasn't her acceptance, her cleverness, her compassion. It wasn't any single trait or combination of traits—it was her.
He wasn't sure when it happened since it had been so gradual so he couldn't pinpoint an exact instance or exact moment when they had crossed over from friends to…what were they? More than boyfriend/girlfriend obviously, definitely more than fiancées, Melissa had been a fiancé and they were nothing like this. Maybe Steve was right and they were soulmates—maybe that was the best word to describe them. His life, his destiny, his every thought and action now and for the rest of his life would be inextricably bound with hers. It seemed like it transcended beyond marriage, beyond vows, beyond logic. He had taken those wedding vows before and those relationships didn't seem anywhere near as permanent as this assurance of loving her and being united with her on some profound level for always.
He had never believed in always before. He had seen too many political careers, too many marriages, too many campaign promises end. He grew up believing that the only constant in life was change. Nothing was permanent. But he was feeling permanence now. It was intoxicating.
"Jennifer," he whispered. She rewarded him with a small smile. He reached his hand up to caress her cheeks. His fingers danced across her face, feeling her forehead, her cheek, down to her chin and ascending up her other cheek. His touch was feather light, but he would continue for as long as she would allow him this intimacy.
Jack bit his lip. He had to fight hard this time to keep back his tears. He almost didn't succeed. He outlined the shape of her lips and moved in closer to her.
He removed his hands from her unforgettable face and caught hers. He brought her hands together and held them in his. "I don't want to screw up things so I'm asking..."
"Jack, what?"
"May I kiss you?" He pursed his lips in fear that she would say no. He didn't want to push their reunion too far. He didn't want to put her in the position of saying 'no' and he didn't want to hear it. Every night that she had been gone from him and slept over at the loft was 'no' enough—was rejection enough even though he knew it entirely deserved.
A big grin developed on Jennifer's face and she shyly nodded.
Jack changed from his sitting position to kneeling before her. He brought his palm back to her cheek, caressing it with his thumb. His forefinger moved to her ruby lips and outlined their shape once more.
He stopped. "Jennifer, Jennifer, open your eyes. Let's promise not to complicate matters. Okay? It's just a kiss—nothing more…for now. I promise. Don't ever worry about…don't ever wonder…"
Jennifer snaked her arms around his neck. Her lips touched his. She wanted him to know that she was sure about his kiss. Sure about him. Sure about this. Sure about them.
Jack felt her shivering and her heart beat underneath his fingers on her neck, thrilled to be so close, electrified by the complicated yet, oh so enticingly familiar passion. She leaned into him, ensuring he knew she was equally willing in this kiss. His insides were relieved, awake, terrified. He touched and kissed and felt lost in her lips.
A steady knock on the door restored gravity within the penthouse and brought both of them crashing back to earth.
Dammit!
"Who is it?" Jack asked, his voice cracking.
"It's Steve."
Damn. Can't send Steve away. He'd try anyway. "Call you tomorrow?"
"This is important Jack," Steve called through the door.
Jennifer mouthed, "It's okay."
Fine. "Be right there."
Jack grabbed his shirt and did up a few buttons before making his way to the door.
Steve barreled through the doorway as soon as it was open. "I've been thinking that we can't just sit around…" Steve stopped when he noticed Jennifer sitting on the armrest of the couch.
Steve turned back to Jack and noticed that his shirt was partially buttoned and mis-buttoned with his shirt tails all askew. Steve's eyes got wide and he felt instantly embarrassed. These were tentative times for them. Getting physical for them was precarious and delicate right now. He didn't want to spoil anything for them. "Sorry, I should have guessed when you asked to call me tomorrow," Steve looked back at Jennifer, "I didn't realize."
Jennifer waved him off, but had trouble finding the words to explain, "It's not what you think. It was…an experiment."
Jack nodded a little. He still didn't feel comfortable with Steve knowing details about his sex life.
Steve decided that a quick exit would be the best, "I will call you tomorrow."
Jennifer replied, "No, it must be important. I'll be…elsewhere." She pointed towards the back room, stood up and walked towards the bedroom. Before she was out of sight, she turned back around and gave Jack a sweet smile.
Steve just had to ask, "So you two aren't as over as you thought when we talked about it on my porch swing?"
"No, not since last night."
"Sorry I interrupted."
Jack waved that off, wanting to get away from any specifics about his romantic life with Steve, "No need to apologize. So what were you saying about sitting?"
"That we shouldn't be sitting. It won't take Lawrence too long to lick his wounds from the marriage debacle. He won't forget that defeat easily. We should be prepared."
"And when we least expect it, expect it, right?" Jack said glumly. He remembered a time when he'd used those words with Steve and Kayla.
"Exactly," Steve replied. He obviously didn't remember Jack saying that before. "We need to get more ammunition to use against Lawrence and we need to do it fast."
"What are you thinking?"
"What I'm thinking is that you and I need to go take a look around Alamain's estate. And we need to do it soon and on the sly. Are you in?"
Was he in? Steve was the best brother that Jack could ever hope for. Of course he was in. Jack nodded, "Name the date and the meet-up place and I'll be there."
"Good," Steve slapped Jack on his upper arm and edged toward the door. "Goodbye Jennifer," he called.
Jennifer came out of his bedroom just in time to hear one final swish of Steve's leather jacket before he was gone.
"Everything okay?" Jennifer asked.
"Sure. Sure. Nothing to worry about."
The lighthearted moment in which they were kissing earlier had passed. Jennifer wanted to go back into his arms, but she wasn't feeling quite so brave and reckless now. They were stopped for now. It was probably better to stay stopped than to resume their kissing only to stop again.
"Shall we head off to sleep?" Jennifer asked.
In answer, Jack offered up his hand and she accepted. He stood there for a long moment, staring at her hand in his. He remembered once more all of the awful things he had done with these hands and promised himself once more that he would never be like that again.
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"Steve?" Kayla called from the kitchen. She was getting the crock pot ready with food for tomorrow's dinner.
"Yeah, you heard correctly, babe." They met up in the living room with a heartfelt kiss and a long hug.
When Kayla stepped back, she paused and looked around. "Did you bring the milk?"
Steve grimaced. He'd forgotten.
Kayla waved it off, "Not a problem."
"Sorry, had some other things going on."
"Not a crisis, Steve. Kidnapping? Prison for murder? Those are crises. Forget it and let me enjoy you. I haven't seen you all day."
Kayla took him by the hand and led him over to the sofa. Unconsciously, she reached over and smoothed out his shirt, his hair. She had loved the intimacy, familiarity, and domesticity they had ever since Steve had come home from the hospital after the boat explosion. They'd had several months relatively free of drama and heartache. She just got to be at home with her husband and daughter and loved it. She hoped it could stay like this forever.
"How was your day?"
"Okay. I did stop to see Jack. Jennifer was there. She looked good—better."
Kayla debated about starting this conversation, but trudged forward anyway. "Jennifer came here yesterday. She wanted to discuss Jack."
Steve had wondered if Jennifer and Kayla would talk ever since Jack told him that he divulged everything. He supposed it was inevitable. "Was it difficult? I—I know Jack gave her a full confession."
Kayla looked at him surprised—that he had known and hadn't said anything. But she guessed it was his effort to keep his relationship with Jack separate from her. "No, not really. I probably would prefer discussing my episiotomy than that night, but Jennifer needed to be heard and needed to be validated. It was okay."
Kayla continued, "He told it accurately to Jennifer—the same way I remember it, I mean. I wasn't sure with all his denials and the excuses he gave at the time and we've never discussed specifics since."
Steve leaned forward and steepled his fingers over his face. That was such a tough time for Steve to remember: Kayla's pain, Steve controlling everyone's life like some damnable puppeteer, his baby brother morphing into an unrecognizable monster. "Jack and I have barely discussed it either. The only time we ever really did was the night he found out about Jennifer. He knows what he did—trust me."
Kayla sat back on the sofa and hugged herself like she suddenly felt a chill, "I still have a tough time deciding my feelings about him. He was basically a good person before that night and he was vicious and cruel from that night up until Harper attacked me and I lost my hearing. He tortured us for months."
"Yeah, I remember," Steve replied in a dull monotone. He hated going back to those painful days, but he acknowledged it was inevitable with everything happening.
"I still struggle with my feelings for him," Kayla continued, "It was just months, really—how much can months decide a life? What can I call him? What category can I put him in? With Lawrence or Victor—certainly not. But can he really be compared with you, with my brothers, with Mike? Is that fair to you?"
They both let that question hang in the air for several moments. "I've forgiven him. I have forgiven him. But I haven't accepted it, if you can understand the distinction. And that makes me feel stuck sometimes because I like who he is now. I can laugh at his jokes and admire how he did that swordfighting against Lawrence at his villa, how he has stood by Jennifer, how he came around to loving you. And he was there for me—more than anyone else—while you were in the hospital last fall. More than my folks or my brothers, I did rely on him and lean on him, literally and figuratively, during those black days. And yet…and yet, when Jennifer was here and saying that he was the most amazing person in the world to her, a small part of me inwardly recoiled like she was Melissa all over again."
Steve picked up her hand and stroked it. Steve and Kayla rarely discussed Jack and never discussed that dark time. "You know that Jack and Jennifer aren't like that. They've been on the same path as you and I were."
"I know," Kayla agreed quietly. "It's just difficult thinking that he's anything like you. And yet, I know the facts of everything that happened. He was a good person before and I can acknowledge that he's a good person now too. So what happened to him during those months? I've always wondered that. Was it inevitable? That night, if I had told him that you were his brother then he likely would have stopped. He wouldn't have believed me probably, but he would've been so shocked that he would've stopped."
Steve shook his head, "Don't say that Kayla. This wasn't your fault. We can't rewrite history. Regardless of how I feel now about Jack, I will never forget that time. And I absolutely don't expect you to ever forget it either or borrow any of the blame for yourself."
Kayla couldn't let one aspect of it go, "Since Jack is a good person—was before, is now—what happened to him during those months? How could he lose his grasp on his basic morality and come disconnected from his innate integrity? How fragile are all of us? How easy would it be for any one of us to untether ourselves from our own decency?"
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Jack turned over in bed and stared at his clock radio: 2:48. He couldn't sleep. Moonglow was spilling through the bedroom window and illuminating Jennifer sleeping peacefully. She was beautiful. When they slept, he usually kept one arm underneath her pillow and one hand on her stomach. She could feel encircled, protected, and his hand never wandered higher or lower. That intrinsic trust was absolute. But each night that they slept side by side was becoming more difficult as he ached for need of her. She was so enticingly close and yet so unquestionably restricted. He wanted her. He wanted her to feel comfortable enough with him again. He wanted Lawrence's imprint in their lives to disappear forever.
He desired her. He could control the yearning of course, but he could not turn it off. He couldn't make it go away—and he didn't want to. He wanted to always crave her, always need her just like he did in that moment—even when they are as old as Tom and Alice. That thought made him smile a little—the idea of old Jack being all 'hot-to-trot' for older Jennifer, slow-chasing her around a coffee table, she with her walker and he with his cane.
But at the moment, that image was not helping his situation. He flipped from his side to his back. That provided some distance so he could no longer see her face or feel her body up against him, but the mental path was set and it was difficult to deviate from it. Finally, in frustration, he rose up from bed and ventured out to the balcony. He didn't bother with his robe. He wanted the cold air ripping through him to settle his thoughts.
He wasn't gone long when Jennifer noticed his absence from the bed. She spied his silhouette on the balcony, dug her robe out of her bag, grabbed a blanket to warm him, and padded out to be with him.
She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his stomach. "Come on, Jack. You know I love you. I'm sorry I stayed away."
Jack immediately interrupted her, "Please don't apologize. Never apologize for that."
Jennifer continued, "Our life has taken over my mind, my heart, my spirit, my every waking moment, my every restless night." She squeezed him tighter and tasted salty, happy tears and swiped them away.
He pulled out of the embrace and turned around to face her, "Don't cry, love," he whispered. "I promise everything will be okay."
Moonlight spilled across Jennifer's shoulders as she picked up his hand and kissed it.
Jennifer moved closer, overwhelming him with an intoxicating scent of vanilla. The perfume seemed even more erotic here. She traced a finger down his cheek and around to the back of his neck, twirling the hair of his bangs that always and adorably fell across his forehead.
The moon appeared big and bright on a featureless night. Jennifer looked skyward, "I've always loved the moon, especially when I was a little girl and afraid of the dark."
Jack stared at Jennifer, his eyes wistful and surprised at Jennifer's admission. She worked hard at hiding any oblique hint of weakness, but she occasionally would make an admission that penetrated through that aura of invincibility.
Jennifer looked down at his hands, their hands. She then pointed at part of the moon, close to the equator, a little right of center. "Right there is Mare Tranquillitatis, the Sea of Tranquility. That's where the Apollo 11 capsule landed. Thanks to you, I feel like I'm there right now. I feel tranquil, here, in this incredible place with you, and I'm not wondering about how I messed up my life because of Lawrence and got it off track. I am content. You have restored me. Maybe it's just for tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll remember everything that he did and what we're up against, but this feeling is marvelous."
Jack shifted so he could envelop her with his arms. He was behind her and a few weeks ago, that would have startled her and she would have instinctually tensed up. Tonight, she relaxed into his arms. It was a small, but profound change and Jack noticed.
"The Sea of Tranquility," Jack repeated; he was not normally given to sentimental notions, but everything about Jennifer was overwhelming and he was slowly letting go of his purely Jack reactions and embracing a 'Jack and Jennifer' reaction. All part of being a soulmate, he supposed. "That sounds beautiful." He looked down at her and kissed the top of her head, leaving most of his thoughts unsaid.