Song for this chapter: All I Have by Beth Nielsen Chapman (and theme song for Jack and Jennifer)
When Jack arrived home that night, he saw that the penthouse had undergone a startling and unsettling transformation. Jennifer had redecorated. Not that he minded that she had redecorated. He figured she would. This was her home too and her name would be on the lease also after they were married. However, he never anticipated anything like this!
Ferns were everywhere. The sofa, chairs and end tables were pushed up against the wall. Instead, the central area was bare except for the plants and she had put slate tiling on the floor covering up the carpet. Little plastic flamingoes sat close to the balcony. Jack wandered into the center and turned around slowly, still in disbelief that Jennifer actually liked this kitschy nightmare.
Then he saw it.
He saw the television playing a videotape of a roaring fire.
Jack looked around with new eyes. This was the island. She had recreated the island. He looked back down at the slate tiling. He'd never forget the uncomfortableness of laying on the rocky ground in the cave. But there were a lot of other things in that cave he'd never forget either.
He didn't remember flamingoes though. That was new…and amusing.
Why did she do this?
Jennifer came from kitchen carrying two drinks with little umbrellas. She was still dressed in her work clothes. "Hi honey, glad you're home. How was your day?"
Jack thought about his unexpected lunch with Kayla and the odd surroundings he came home to. "Surprising. You?"
"Sore," was Jennifer's ambiguous reply. "Have a drink," she handed over one of the fake pineapples with the little paper umbrella.
"Sore?" Jack was confused.
"I was filming a story about kick-boxing as a new exercise trend." Jennifer saw Jack roll his eyes, "I know it's TV news. It's what we do."
Jack smiled, "It's fine. But anytime you want to be under me again…"
Jennifer pretended to not hear the innuendo. "Well, I had to demonstrate the kickboxing moves and got a nice strong kick to my side, here." She pointed at her torso. "But anyway, how are you feeling?"
"Disoriented. I'm not sure where I am," Jack finally addressed the bizarre décor.
"Really? You don't recognize it? You're here. I'm here. The island is here," Jennifer replied, opening her arms and spun around once.
Jack had his suspicions, but needed to hear the words. "Why is the island here?"
"Do you really need to ask?"
Jack shook his head. He knew Jennifer felt safe there and wonderful there. Their time together on that island meant as much to her as it did to him.
Jack shook his head, "No. That's where I truly allowed you to feel secure in us, in my feelings, in me. I'd been pushing you away and hurting you for months. There, I stopped."
Jennifer took his hand, "You stopped and we started."
Jennifer wanted to say, And tonight we start again. However, she didn't want to push him or pressure him but she still wanted to let him know that she was absolutely willing. She had debated about just putting a bow on her diaphragm and giving it to him as a present, but that was way too corny, even for them. Besides, she figured that after Lawrence's gift box that Jack didn't want to see anything in wrapping paper for a while.
Jennifer had been inching herself along for weeks. Every night she shared a bed with Jack, she had wanted to be with him. At first, she wanted to excise the memories of Lawrence, to replace them with far better memories—memories and experiences of her choosing. But she had stayed silent.
Over the weeks, it became less and less about removing Lawrence and replacing those memories because she was realizing that Lawrence's influence and importance was waning.
In the hospital, during those interminable hours that Jack was in surgery, Jennifer knew that she didn't want to waste any more time—she didn't want to lose anymore opportunities. And she knew that the act of rape was nothing like sex and nothing like making love. She should stop mixing them in her head. And she really shouldn't be scared that the awful feelings of violation would be resurrected.
She just wanted to be with Jack. They were close; closer than they had ever been. Jack had really opened up and been honest with her. Had allowed her fully into his life and into the most hidden recesses of his heart. He had asked her to marry him. He had unfailingly, unconditionally stood by her since he learned about the rape and even before when he didn't understand why she was pulling away. She knew these past months had been damn, damn hard for him, but he had conquered that earlier inclination to run and shield himself off from hurt that had plagued him a year ago.
He had saved her life—in every way that a person can be saved. When she was mentally under Lawrence's influence at the villa, he declared to everyone that she didn't love Lawrence, she loved him, she loved Jack! He had broken those chains that had been imprisoning her just like he gave her credit for breaking his chains in the Allegory of the Cave.
He was her hero—her real, honest-to-goodness hero—and the only person she wanted by her side for the rest of her life. She had waited for him up until last summer and he had been waiting for her since last fall. She wanted all of the waiting to stop and for their life together to begin once more.
She wanted to play this slow; she really was in no rush. But she knew what she wanted.
"Like I was saying, I'm feeling sore. Can you help me with this?" she asked playfully indicating her silk button-down shirt.
Jack wanted to point out that with his injured right hand, that he probably wasn't the best person to ask, but she knew about his hand and recognized that she probably had some ulterior motive for asking. Again, he could deny her nothing.
He gingerly helped unbutton the blouse using mostly his left hand for slipping out the buttons. Jennifer shrugged off the shirt and when Jack saw the camisole that had been underneath, he understood everything that she was trying to do this evening. It was the same camisole, or one that looked just like it, as the one she was wearing on the island. The one he was now sure she would ask him to help take off next.
Considering the circumstances, Jack was reticent about continuing. He had just gotten out of the hospital and didn't want Jennifer to have any regrets. "I know you were scared because of the explosion, but you don't owe me anything—certainly not this."
Jennifer knew it was time to stop playacting about being sore and using that pretense to help the evening along. She didn't need to mimic how they were on the island. This night was going to be wonderful.
He wasn't going to wait for her to ask about the camisole. "Jennifer, are you sure?"
Jennifer took his hands into her own. "I am sure. I know you won't hurt me. I've wanted this for so long. I truly have. I haven't been with you in so many months. I don't want to waste any more time. I don't want any more memories or experiences stolen from us."
Jennifer reached for the remote control for Jack's new Compact Disc player and hit the play button and put her chosen song on the auto-repeat option.
You can say you love me and I'll believe that's true
Trusting you is easy 'cause I believe in you
"Dance with me?" Jennifer asked. She held her hands aloft, inviting him into them.
Jack wanted to. He didn't want to waste anymore time either. God knows he wasted enough time last spring and last fall dealing with his issues. He had conquered many of his demons and his fears. He had been brave and courageous at the birthday party. He had been there for his family when it really counted. He had confronted Lawrence and he knew in his gut that his threats were sufficient to neutralize him. Lawrence would submit to the stalemate and they wouldn't need to spend the rest of their lives worried about the next retaliation attempt. He didn't know if Lawrence would ever repent or atone for all of the harm, but that was irrelevant. Jack had made the offer of forgiveness. Considering how Jack felt about Lawrence when he learned the truth, his dream about exacting revenge, and his certainty that Alamain would be forever unforgiven, Jack knew he had come far to deal with his resurrected demons. They would not destroy him. They had reawakened, but Jack had fought hard against them for Jennifer's sake and they were slumbering once more.
After everything that had happened, Jack finally did feel worthy now. With his offer to Lawrence, he had put his demons to rest and felt more honorable. Honor was a curious sensation-humbling and ennobling.
There is nothing I would miss
As long as we're in love like this
Jack loved this woman—loved her with his whole being. He went into her waiting arms. Jennifer and Jack regarded each other with steady unflinching gazes. Softly he laid his hand along the angle of her cheek and jaw, tilting her face gently upwards, and leaned down to claim her mouth once again with a tender and unhurried kiss. Jennifer was the one who finally broke away, and they had looked into each other's eyes for a long, shared, unspeaking moment.
All I have is all I need
And it all comes down to you and me
Jennifer's hands migrated to Jack's tie. She slowly loosened it until it was freed. When her hands moved next to his shirt buttons, Jack put his left hand over hers. "Jennifer…" he began.
"I love you," she simply responded and continued to a lower button.
"Jennifer…" Jack resisted. He had not expected this sudden turn. He told himself he needed introspection and reflection.
"I love you," she repeated.
"You know…You know I love you." His voice nearly broke with the words.
Insistently, she freed him from the shirt, only stumbling for a few brief seconds with his buttoned cuffs. His eyes showed that he was still shy and hesitant, but willing to get swept away. Then Jack saw her eyes, saw the openness and freedom, and he became undone. He let down his guard, his barriers. Jennifer was beautiful and desirable and intoxicating and he wanted her. He wanted her desperately, but he had constructed necessary walls around those feelings.
Throughout this whole experience during these many months, he had learned that sometimes walls are necessary structures, but they should be temporary. Jack and Steve had torn down walls that had kept them from discussing the painful and forbidden past. They had needed those walls in the past as they tentatively formed a trusting brotherhood, but the usefulness of those walls had long since expired. Jack and Kayla had desperately needed walls too, but through time and circumstances they had disassembled several of their barriers and they weren't so painfully awkward now.
Jack didn't realize when he quoted Shakespeare during his proposal about the 'gulf that between us lies: With love's light wings did I o'erprch these walls' that it would be so appropriate for their predicament. He didn't truly know about the 'gulf' or the 'walls' at the time. But once he did learn, then Jack and Jennifer slowly, but together, worked to tear down those walls that divided them, separated them, kept them emotionally or physically apart.
He loved that Jennifer was wanting to remove the last barrier that existed between them. She wanted it now. Tonight. That was obvious. This was her choice.
How far away this world becomes
In the harbor of each others arms
Suddenly she was locked in his arms and Jack was kissing her. This time she felt not only his warm lips but his tongue was parting her lips and quickly passing the barrier of her teeth, filling her mouth- a kiss no longer warm and gentle and lingering like before but white-hot and urgent. Then abruptly he broke away, shoulders heaving as he struggled to control his breathing and regain mastery of himself.
"I'm sorry." Jack hadn't kissed her like that since that disastrous day in the cabin—the kiss that precipitated her slapping him. An association he did not wish to remember.
I feel like I've known you forever and ever
Baby that's how close we are
Jennifer had unshakeable confidence in Jack's judgment and his integrity, but she recognized, also, that he was a man of complex emotions and fierce passions, a man capable of dark, brooding melancholy. She was aware too, despite their closeness and their profound connection, there remained so many unspoken thoughts and so many past hurts that each had nursed alone. They needed to break that pattern for good. They needed to learn to face challenges together instead of each retreating into their own inner consciousness. However, Jennifer knew now that there was no chasm they could not bridge, no impediment they could not surpass, and no obstacle that they could not sidestep.
Right here with you is where my life has come together
And where love has filled my heart
You know I'd go anywhere, as long as I have you to care
Jennifer raised Jack's left hand in both of hers, bringing it to her lips and pressing her mouth against his palm. Then, holding his hand still she slowly turned so that her lips crept along his fingers until she reached his fingertips. She kissed them lightly, and then, parting her lips, she slowly dipped two of his fingertips into her mouth, flicking her tongue, touching and tasting- before taking his long fingers deeper into her mouth, her tongue sliding along their length, and licking the webbed portion between them. Finally, she pulled back a little and very gently closed her teeth around his fingertips in the softest of bites.
"Take care," he whispered, breathing hotly onto her neck.
A low, guttural groan escaped from deep in his throat and then he cupped Jennifer's face between his two hands, raising it towards him. When their open, hungry mouths joined in the near darkness it was, for both of them, like coming home.
All I have is all I need
And it all comes down to you and me
As the song looped through several times, they were content only with continuing to somewhat dance, with kissing, with exploring each other's mouths deeply, their tongues gliding together-each savoring the other's taste. Then, loosening his arms from around her shoulders, Jack slid his hands down her sides until he reached her hips, and then he pulled her close against him, letting her feel his heat, letting her know how much she was wanted. Her small hands, too, began their own tentative journey, taking an uncertain path down his broad back, touching each vertebra, trying to avoid the bandages that still remained, and relishing the feel of his hot skin.
How far away this world becomes
In the harbor of each others arms
Jennifer backed up half a step and fingered the hem of her satiny pink camisole. She signaled to Jack that she wanted him to take it off of her.
"Jennifer, are you sure?" he asked once more.
"I'm sure of us. There's nothing to be afraid of." She took his hands, especially careful with his right hand and placed them on the hem of her garment.
"It's time," she repeated with a wry smile, remembering when she had said that to him and then later when he had repeated those words back to her. She figured it would be a phrase oft-repeated throughout their lives together—an assured way to break through barriers and to silence opposing arguments.
And with the love you bring
I never want for anything
I found what I've been searching for in you
Jack knew that he would always do whatever Jennifer asked and that he would do anything for her. All he had was hers. And so he yielded.
He clasped the silky soft fabric and achingly slow, eased it up. Partially, he wanted to give her an opportunity to change her mind but also with his injured hand, the task was slow by necessity.
After several dozen heartbeats, he eased it off, freeing it from a few errant strands of her golden hair. The camisole was laying languidly in his right hand. Determinedly, he kept his gaze on her face and her eyes and did not allow his eyes to wander downwards.
Jennifer noticed this touching gesture and returned into his arms wanting to continue the dance. After another verse, Jack tossed the now-useless camisole aside. Their bodies pressed together as the music played on and on, Jennifer felt her heart rate had risen from trepidation, from being in such close proximity, from being felt so intimately. However as the song continued to play, it allowed Jennifer the time to relax, to enjoy, to slowly adapt to the ever-increasing temperature.
At length, Jack dipped her down, keeping his strong left hand firmly supporting her back. He finally allowed himself permission to look at her. His right hand traced along her neckline and slowly down the middle of her chest to her waist. When his strength was about to give out, only then did he pull her back up to vertical, liking the feel of her swishing skirt against his pant legs. Jennifer was breathing fast now and her hair flounced in a golden curtain over her shoulders.
All I have is all I need
And it all comes down to you and me
Jack's hand lingered caressingly before he gave her a searing kiss. A faint, sighing moan escaped her lips. Suddenly he seized a handful of her skirt, balling and crushing it in his fist until his knuckles whitened. With his mouth pressed against his hand, he muttered through clenched teeth,
"Jennifer, do you know you are everything to me in this life?"
Jennifer gave a soft gasp as she felt his open mouth pressing against her nape, his breath hot upon her skin. He moved round to her side, planted small kisses below her ear and at the corner of her jaw. His mouth came down to seek hers, but instead she tilted her head back so that his lips met the tautly arched curve of her throat. Then his mouth moved to her collar-bone, and to the small hollow above, and she felt the heat of his tongue as it tasted the salt of the tight satin skin. Her fingers twined themselves in his hair, tugging him closer against her. He let go of her arms now, and his two hands spanned her midriff, his thumbs moving upwards, just grazing the lower curve of her breast.
How far away this world becomes
In the harbor of each others arms
As his fingers touched her flesh, a tremor ran through Jennifer's body, which he felt travel along the whole length of her as she pressed against him. She gave a soft moan and closed her eyes tightly.
With every fiber of his being, every ounce of his will, he wanted to be gentle, to go slowly, to avoid hurting her, but even his iron self-control was defeated by the intoxicating beauty of her body, and the intensity with which he had longed for this moment. He felt her tense and stiffen.
Jack did not step back from her, but stayed where he was, his fingers lightly pushing back from her face a few dishevelled strands of her hair, damp with their mingled sweat. He gazed at her from so close that her features were softly blurred; he lowered his head to kiss her brow, her cheek, her throat.
She nodded and smiled. The tension she had from just a moment earlier melted away and Jack could feel her relax. Jack took that as assent. Then she caught her breath as she felt his hands moving to her waist, then to the silky fabric still covering her hips, caressing once more with what felt like renewed purpose.
Jack's hands returned to her hands and he pulled her towards the bedroom. They were at the threshold of the closed door, his back up against it. He stopped. He did not reach for the doorknob, he did not push through. With his eyes and a slight tilt of his head, he indicated the doorknob to Jennifer. If they were going into the bedroom, then it would have to be Jennifer to open the door.
All I have is all I need
And it all comes down to you and me
She didn't hesitate when she understood what Jack wanted. Breathing fast from excitement, she reached past him and quickly opened the door. Jack had been leaning against it and he took a sudden step backwards with the door no longer closed for support. He pulled her along with him.
Jack needed to reassure her of the obvious, "If you change your mind at any second. If you want to slow down or stop…"
Jennifer silenced him with a kiss.
Jack pulled her down on the bed so that she was astride him.
How far away this world becomes
In the harbor of each others arms
Three hours later, their breathing gradually grew more shallow, their pulses slowed, and Jack gently rolled her off of him, holding her yet in his arms and placing soft kisses on her arm, her shoulder, her cheek, her hair. As reason returned he was grateful for the cloaking darkness, for he believed he could not have met her eye just then.
Jennifer reached over to the nightstand and turned on a light. Jack immediately brought his hand to cover his eyes as though he needed time to adjust to the light. However, in the faint moonglow, Jennifer had seen the truth.
"Jack, are you crying?"
Jack was embarrassed and shy, but he did not bite his lip this time. He was no longer his father's son.
Jennifer reached up and with feather-light fingertips, brushed the moisture from his cheeks. She had never seen him cry before, but she did not know, could not know that this was the first time he had allowed himself to cry since his adoptive mother, Camille, had died when he was a little boy.
"They're happy tears. They don't count."
Jennifer wanted to ask if he was okay, but resisted that temptation knowing that he would offer whatever he was prepared to share.
Jack wanted to change the subject and he wanted to gauge her feelings, "Jennifer," he started slowly, "any regrets?"
Jennifer was laying her head on Jack's chest, then turned over to look at him when he said that. She wanted to jolt him out of his reflective, almost somber mood, "Yeah, I regret not doing it sooner," she replied with a flirtatious smile. "And I was wondering when can we do it again?"
That worked. It got him to smile. "You love me? Despite everything?"
Jennifer traced her finger along his jaw and kissed the underside of his chin, "I love all of you. And in spite of nothing."
Jack kissed the top of her hair.
"Are you okay truly?" Jennifer asked, growing concerned.
Jack nodded. "I am just amazed with the gifts that life has to offer and by the long and winding road we all must travel. Life is mysterious, complicated and sacred." Jack reached over and grabbed her hand and placed it over his heart, "This life, our lives, is all I will ever want."
J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J
The End.