"For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach."
― J.R.R. Tolkien
Arrai was 80 when he met his father, not quite a youth but not completely transitioned into a full grown elf either as elven bones only fully solidified when the elf reached a century, but one could already see that he would turn quite a number of elleth's heads when done with his development. It was a pure accident so to speak. Glorfindel had needed to confer with Elrond on some matter or another in relation to herbs. Arrai wishing to spar with Elladan and Elrohir came along. The encounter was in the halls, as the King had come quite suddenly to visit with his son. Arrai's eyes widened as he beheld the man that had worn the crown of laurel leaves in the painting of his Naneth's rooms.
Thranduil peered curiously at the elf. Thin frown on his lips more preoccupied with finding his wayward son then one he had never even knew was among those of the living. His eyes searched the not quite youth, "Have you seen my son?"
Arrai had frozen eyes widening. "N…no." He stammered. "My Lord…" He added as an afterthought and more from Glorfindel's instilled training in proper etiquette more than anything. The King studied him further rather amused at the fear the elf was radiating. Had any of the tall tales spoken of his wrath so filled Elrond's halls? He chuckled at the thought as he made his way to the main council paying little heed nor a second thought nor glance at his own flesh and blood.
But the change on the elves face had been drastic from shock to a fearful understanding. Everything suddenly making more sense, too much sense he backed away slowly face blanching, and then he ran, and ran. Vaguely he could hear someone calling him but he didn't stop. It was Glorfindel.
"Arrai," A strong hand gripped his. "Ada."
Glorfindel's eyes met his own, eyes widening in fear as he realized what his son had seen. He was to be told eventually, but he had not yet fully grown, if it were up to himself and Elrond the boy would have been in the dark for at least another half a century. But it seemed Ilúvatar had other plans. "We, we shall talk in the evening. Do you hear me ion nin?" Glorfindel gave the younger elf, who seemed to be in a daze, a slight shake. "Arrai do you hear me?" He asked voice full of sadness. "Ye...s Adar." Worried eyes met distant ones. "Go home. I must meet with the council." Another nod and Arrai was off running as fast as his legs would carry him.
There was no talk that evening. Arrai was gone along with his armor, weapons and horse. Glorfindel's eyes widened as he took in the cupboard where he kept Lembas, as he had recently been teaching Arrai how to make his own. Half the bread was gone. Making his way to his ion nin's room Glorfindel found a note scribbled on the corner of piece of parchment. "Do not follow me, Saes." His hand clenched over the scrap of parchment his own heart mimicking the movement. The house held no laughter that day, nor the next, Glorfindel's spirit was broken. Neither from orcs nor goblins nor even the Balrog, his spirit was broken from the loss of a son which he knew was never even his.
-o-o-o-o-o-
The first few years were bearable. Here and there at times news of Arrai's whereabouts would reach him. Once four years later he heard of Arrai spending a brief time in Lothlórien but by the time he arrived his ward was gone. He said nothing merely that he was passing through but Lord Celeborn seemed to sense that his son was going through some sort of rebellion stage, "He will come back when he is ready, I would know." And he would for he raised a daughter but he didn't understand Glorfindel's predicament, and his fears that in truth Arrai was never his son and could just as well never return. Glorfindel left it at that and with a heavy heart returned to Rivendell. Then by the sixth year of his son's absence there was no more news, by the eighth year Glorfindel lost all hope. Dead his son was dead, and he was at fault, if only he had spoken to him if only he had explained everything sooner he wouldn't be gone, the house would be full of laughter and occasional bouts of mischief but now, now there was nothing, only pain. Elrond observed his friend with a heavy heart and as another year passed he grew more worried, Glorfindel seldom left his house, seldom spoke, and seldom laughed. His heart was heavy too heavy, he had live too long and through too much.
Glorfindel observed the unlit fireplace as he sat on a couch in his own home, rain pounding, lightning splaying at the windows it being wet season in Rivendell, for there was no need to live in Lady Ingwe's house any longer. It was cold, so cold and empty, a heaviness pressing in his chest, telling him that their was nothing, there was nothings worth living for, all was empty all dust. He had never had anything, never had anyone, and now he truly had nothing, what was keeping him here, why had he not left? Why had he not simply died? Even sailing held nothing for him, why should he sail? There was no one waiting for him by at the other shore, no one, not ever. All those he had cared for were long gone, long dead and even he knew that dead meant dead. Dead meant gone forever.
There was a light nock on the door bringing him from his usual reverie. Then it was more of a pounding with an armored fist then a knock. Glorfindel rose wearily from the couch his hand slowly reaching out opening the door, his eyes widened. He almost didn't recognize the elf standing before him, in the rain clad in a black cloak and armor, and hair just as dark shorn at the nape of the neck, no longer a youth a whole century in his eyes full of pain. Here and there his cloak and armor were spattered in black red blood. It had been nine whole years but his son had returned. Glorfindel shook his head as if in a daze hand reaching out to see if this vision was real.
"Glorfindel," Arrai all but gasped his name. The sound of the voice caused Glorfindel to blink and pull away the reaching hand. "You're alive." He whispered not trusting himself to speak. "You came back." Arrai's eyes were glazed as if in fever, his brow slick with sweat. "I'm…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"
Glorfindel's arms were around him hugging him in a fierce embrace once more nine years was too long a time. "You have been forgiven long ago ion nin." Glorfindel whispered.
"I thought I thought I killed you!" Arrai hugged back holding on to Glorfindel like a shaking leaf in the wind in Glorfindel's arms. With the stronger grip the Elder elf could tell three ribs were cleanly broken; Arrai must have ridden through the day with his multiple injuries just to reach him by nightfall. Ai ion nin! Feeling his forehead Glorfindel sighed. He was about to comment on the fever when Arrai simply slid to the ground eyes clenched shut in pain.
-o-o-o-o-o-
Glorfindel caught the younger elf, cradling him in his arms as he stroked the younger elf's cheek lifting him and placing him as gently on the couch as he could, then going back to close the door the steady beat of lightning and thunder singing with unison to the agony in his soul. Nothing, that's how much the younger elf weighed, had he been eating properly? Had he been eating anything at all? He started a fire, cold, how did he not notice the chill in his own home…?
Home…it had been so long since he had called it so…so longed since he had felt that he was even among the living…he had thought he had died…his ion nin…
His eyes were on the younger elf as he rummaged for bandages and salves that lay in the side shelves of his living room for convenience. The stiffness in the younger elves shoulders was foreign to him, the dark blue eyes that cracked open and closed in fever staring steadily into the flames, he couldn't recognize them, they were so haunted too haunted as if…as if seeing himself. Age there was so much age, his jaw clenched. He had never wanted this, when he had held the tiny elfling in his arms all he ever wanted was to protect him, keep him from harm, from the horrors and pains of the world from the darkness and he failed yet again in so many ways and on so many levels. "Sometimes by keeping your children too close is what drives them away…" An echo of his own voice, another place another time advising Elrond and his ways… Only now did he truly realize what it was like…Eyes clenched briefly in agony and then opened, eyes back on the younger elf…there was so much that needed to be said…and so little time to say it… live just live ion nin…nothing matters…nothing ever did…At length he gathered what he needed and kneeled by the ailing elf having already removed the hooded cloak. He proceeded to unbuckling the armor slicked here and there with blood as gently as he could. The sight that met his eyes was quite frightening; there were so many scrapes so many close calls, a thin healed line directly over the heart, several more on the left side. It was beyond belief that the younger elf had even been standing let alone riding all day
-o-o-o-o-o-
Where was he? He could remember a message straight from Lord Elrond, shock, then need for haste, he had ridden but he couldn't quite remember what he had been riding so hard for. Everything was blur, there was light here and there in between cracks, everything was swimming. He was talking, then falling what had he been saying? He couldn't remember, everything was heavy, so very heavy. There was so much emptiness so much pain. He could see a light, it was so bright in the darkness like a star in the night sky. How could their still be so much hope in so much darkness? The star came closer, it burned. He tried to flinch away from it but his body was too heavy. Falling, he was falling, cold waters licking at his soul. Strange he couldn't quite remember climbing up. Was he, was he dying? He had wanted to die…for so long, but every time he came close he would pull through, he kept telling himself tomorrow would be the day he would fall tomorrow he wouldn't fight to live, he would let them kill him, let the darkness win. But that tomorrow never came, he was afraid, afraid of dying afraid of leaving of falling, there was so much animalistic fear when the final blows would come and he would stop the blade, kill the orcs. He tried to get killed so many times until he realized that deep down inside in truth he didn't want to die, he didn't want the pain that came with the wounds, all he wanted was to disappear so very much. He had been so proud to be Glorfindel's son he had wanted to be just like him. So he trained and studied and pushed as far as he knew his body could go trying to be him. Even though he knew he could never reach the Elder elf he still tried so so very hard. And when he saw the truth felt it even, he was nothing he became nothing. His world turned to nothing, his Naneth had faded for nothing, the man she loved was never even their when she faded had King Thranduil even known she faded? It didn't matter nothing mattered. Only that he had hurt Glorfindel, and he was sorry, he hadn't wanted to hurt him but he was so convinced that to the Elder elf he was nothing…until he heard that he was fading…fading because of him…he needed to apologize saes Valar saes Eru! Ilúvatar Saes! Let me reach him in time! Let me…see him one last time…to tell him…I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…Seas just don't, don't fade…I can't lose you too…
Glorfindel? He shook his head as an image of the Elder elf sharpened then faded obtuse shapes and blurry contours making the world tilt…he was hot so very hot… thoughts and feelings words all incoherent in his head…chaos…the star was burning him and lighting up something in him…Valar it hurt! Fire burning inside him…why was his own light hurting? When had his light last been so bright…no too bright…the star it felt familiar…was it Glorfindel? He prayed it was so…Saes Eru let it be him…
-o-o-o-o-o-
"Ada?" Dark blue eyes slid to his own, a hand reaching out to touch his face. "I'm here ion nin, I'm here." He took the hand squeezing it to his cheek. "I'm sorry Ada..."
"You have nothing to apologies for."
But the younger elf shook his head sweat pouring freely down his brow. The Elder elf doubted the younger elf was even fully conscious. It broke him to see the younger elf this way. He had always been so full of life so full of light.
"I thought…I heard…you…you were fading. I thought, I thought you…were dead!" The last part came out as a sob which caused the younger elf to cover his eyes with an arm at the loss of control, which seemed to loosen a torrent of tears. Glorfindel's eyes widened, had he been fading? Was he fading? His thoughts lingered to the past year, how, how could he have not noticed what had happened? How could he have not realized he was dying? But life was so empty without his son, so meaningless, so pointless. He sighed as he gave Arrai's hand another squeeze, fading… he had never understood how one faded, never understood how one could simply slip away but he had never had anything and now, now that he had someone, someone so dear and precious to his heart someone he could not lose…he understood. The pain of loss of eternal separation, he had thought he had lost Arrai his ion nin, and life without the one thing that had ever truly mattered to him didn't seem like a life worth living.
"I thought when I… left, I didn't think, I was so angry so full of pain. I wanted you to hurt as I did from the lie, and then, and then I thought back and I thought what if, what if you didn't even care and I was just another mission for you and I hurt, because I thought you didn't care whether I lived or died. My Adar didn't care so why should you? Why should you have loved me? Why should you have cared? You never loved my Naneth, I was nothing to you, even my own father…" Arrai swallowed painfully arm still at his face trying to stop the tears that wouldn't stop, "and then I…then I went to Morder." Glorfindel's eyes widened in shock. "Mordor? You went to Mordor?" Arrai paused gasping for a breath glazed eyes half open as he shuddered in fever.
"And then, then I couldn't stop…I…I couldn't stop killing there was just so much…so much blood and I…I wanted…I wanted to die but I needed more blood." Glorfindel's own eyes glazed in tears at the recounting not able to bear pained voice of the younger elf, he could never stand tears regardless his arms were around Arrai heart constricting in agony, his hand making soothing motions on Arrai's back as he held his son who wept into his shoulder forehead burning up. "Saes I'm so sorry, don't… don't fade! Saes!" And suddenly it was like when his son was four again crying if his Ada didn't pay enough attention to him, he had long outgrown such things and scarce wept but when he did it would break even a man's heart to see it. For elves are the blessed of Ilúvatar made for song and joy so that when one weeps there is truly sorrow in middle earth, "It's alright ion nin, it's alright." There was much they needed to work through it would seem, but it was nothing compared to the emptiness that had filled his heart for so long. Glorfindel himself was weeping tears mingling with the younger elves hair. His son was here alive before him. It was far more than he expected far more than he deserved for his failings. But he was alive and well and that was all that mattered.
"No…no it's not alright!" Arrai tried to pull away weakly but failed miserably Glorfindel's strong arms holding him. "I can't…I can't ask you to forgive me…I'm I don't even know how to say it…" Arrai's glazed eyes looked through Glorfindel his body shuddering in fever.
Glorfindel sighed pressing his forehead against the younger elves feverish one. "Rest ion nin, I believe we can think of an appropriate punishment after you get better." Glorfindel chuckled at the thought of forcing the younger elf to help him bake or do several other mundane things the younger elf had next to no patience to do. Though truth be told he never had quite the heart to allot any sort of punishment on the younger elf.
-o-o-o-o-o-
Warmth, it was warm and he had been so cold…he could think clearer now…he shifted something warm and large was covering him. A blanket he didn't recognize, his body felt lighter, another distinct difference was the lack of armor, when had he last not had at least one piece of armor on?
He shifted eyes opening slightly, something cool and wet hit his forehead, it was Lord Glorfindel, he squeezed his eyes shut from the light, it burned to be in the Elder elf's presence how could their still be so much light in the darkness he had seen.
Why? How was the Elder elf even here? The whole situation felt surreal like he would wake up any moment now and be back in the field's, cold winds chilling him to the bone as he tried to sleep making plans for his next day travels. A salve was applied his eyes began closing against his will.
"Don't struggle against it." But he had to, he needed to, he had to make sure that this was real that this wasn't a dream. His hand shot out grabbing the Elder elves to make sure ascertain that this was real and he was final here back home. Something he just hadn't had the courage to do after he had ran.
"No don't go! Saes!" Reality and illusion overlapped cold winds licking his face as he rode on and on endlessly where he knew not, warmth fought back pulling him into the room a steady hand holding his own as he shuddered against the darkness. It was cold so cold; he was struggling against the darkness when drops that smelt of salt began hitting his face. "I'm here ion nin, I will always be here for you."
-o-o-o-o-o-
He calls out to me in his sleep, more times then I dare to count, more times than I had ever thought he would, I had thought he hated me for the lies for the deceptions. But my name is still here on his lips even now though he has not seen me for nine years. He is lost searching for me, for those he loves, Elrohir, Elladan, Arwen and even Elrond among them. He is scared and I cling to his voice as he clings to mine, I cannot lose him, not now, not when I have just found him again, attachment, love it is like a two sided dagger, like a two sided blade it can shield protect but it could wound and draw blood. And it can hurt so much.
"Ada." A moan. "I am here ion nin."
"Why is there so much blood? Why can't I stop wanting it?" I wanted to protect him from this from the horrors from war, but now I cannot. In a way I have failed but I am here and though I cannot undo what has been done I can soften it. Perhaps not by much but it is something. "You can stop, you are far far stronger than you think." I whisper into his ear as he shifts in fever. How he has survived up until now is beyond me, he hisses a hand at his side, an old wound I judge it several months at least. He is remembering now, I can sense the struggle of the fight though he scarcely moves his chest rising and falling rapidly as he battles his demons. The wound is infected, I slit it open ever so slightly allowing the gathered puss to flow out a cloth of water stands in a bucket by my side and I wash the wound clean. He groans in pain the sedatives taking longer to take hold then I have judged. I resume to washing the wound after changing the compress on his forehead. It is not difficult merely mundane but even doing this mundane task I feel more alive than I have ever felt these past few years.
-o-o-o-o-o-
The first thing Arrai noticed when he woke was the warmth and the smell of fruit trees, he groaned opening his eyes, it was bright, he suppressed a hiss as he flipped from his back onto his stomach pushing himself up. The process was slow and took time but he was up though still unsteady. Home, he is back in Rivendell, back in his old house, strange he was almost sure he had made it to Glorfindel's house. His eyes widen, Glorfindel? Was he?
He trudged slowly through the grass pausing for breath at the opening to the Elder elves study leaning heavily on a column the world briefly tilting then righting itself. His eyes widened as the Elder elf looked up from the writing desk grey blue eyes locking on his own, not a day older then the younger elf remembered him. "Ada?" His actions hit him full force in the gut…his running away…countless battles…and now back in Rivendell…as if he had never left…but he had…and there was so much that he had seen…too much…
Glorfindel's eyes widened at the title. "Ion nin?" Arrai sighed more so because Glorfindel is looking at him like he grew a second head. He tried to make his way toward the desk but he has overestimated his own strength and he is falling only to be caught by two strong arms that envelope him in a hug. His mind shifted to what he thought was merely a dream and he hung his head because it was real and Glorfindel had brought him back, had sat there as he fought against the darkness and he had hurt the Elder elf and he hated himself for it now more then ever….
"Why…why do you even care? I'm not worth it…I will keep hurting you…Saes…send me away…"
Glorfindel looked up to see tears forming on Arrai's face, sighing kneeling with the younger elf a hand gripping the younger elf's cheek. "Don't ever say that." Silvery blue eyes met a dark blue…"Even if I am not your Adar you will always be my ion nin, remember that."
"Why?"
Glorfindel's answer dried in his throat. "Because…because I love you ion nin. Children leave their parents ion nin…it is the way of things…the way of the world…and though I would have wished a warning even I must accept that you have grown…the difference is in that you came back ion nin…you came back when others would fear to return, fear to face what they have done… I am proud what you did of what you have done of the man you've become." It had always been an unspoken understanding between the two, but perhaps, perhaps Glorfindel mused he should have told his son he was proud of him more often, perhaps he should have made doubly sure that his son knew that had he died in truth Glorfindel would not have been able to bear the loss. Because no father should have to bury their child, it would be a fate to cruel not just for man but more so for an elves praying to Valar that this bout of rebelliousness would be his last.
Arrai looked away in shame. "When…when the messenger, from…from Elrond came, you should have seen his face when he looked at me, I didn't…understand and when I looked in the river, I couldn't recognize myself, I was so drenched in blood, I couldn't get it out…of my hair, I can…can still smell it on me."
Glorfindel hand rested on his cheek tilting the younger elves haunted face eyes locking once more with his own. "You're an idiot ion nin."
"I…I know…" Glorfindel didn't think he would ever see the younger elf so lost so defeated. "Come now I never said it was a bad thing."
"I left! I….I left and I said nothing …you nearly faded! And I…" Glorfindel sighed shaking the younger elf lightly by the shoulders. "You left because all children do so…all children leave their parents at some point."
"Not like this!" Arrai's dark blue eyes met Glorfindel's they were so lost. Glorfindel sighed. "I…I'm so sorry." The Elder elf smiled thinly at the younger elf. "Sounds like someone is more than willing to agree to baking lessons."
"If you're ready to eat burnt tart." That had both of them laughing though the younger elf's laugh sounded hollow to Glorfindel's ears. The Elder elf sighed, they would have to fix all this…somehow. "And of course several lectures on self-preservation." That had the younger elf groaning a smile on his lips. "I learn from the best."
"Of course ion nin, of course. And…we will need to talk." Arrai's face paled his face taking on broody sulky demeanor. Glorfindel smiled, hands enveloping the sulking elf, it would be difficult to fix things, difficult to set things right but his son was alive and well and though much of him was changed many things were still him, he was never truly lost in the darkness he merely grew up faster than Glorfindel had anticipated, but these were darker times. And though Arrai had changed, much of him remained the same, his baking skills for one his undeniable loyalty his insufferable stubbornness and his undeniable ability to warm Glorfindel's heart. Some things would never ever change.
Why did Arrai run away? Well for one he's in what is commonly known as his teen years, elven bones solidify around 100 so even though he can pass for a full grown man when he returns he is still very very young, even Legolas is several centuries old around this point. And what do some teens do when they find out they were adopted and fear abandonment? Well they run away from home. Is it the safest most logical thing? Definitely not but, in this case Arrai didn't understand why Thranduil didn't even recognize him, it may have been decades but he only had Glorfindel the loss of his mother is still quite clear in his mind, and he felt like he lost Glorfindel as well. Going to Mordor and coming back alive? Okay at this point there's really nothing at Mordor just a bunch of broken gates and a burnt expanse of land. So what he was hunting was orcs here and there, yes it was more than a generic number an elf can fight singlehandedly but, for one he was fighting for death but in the end he could never quite let himself die. Secondly Glorfindel was his, mentor he learned for decades how to wield a sword form the elf that slew the Balrog, and faced the witch King of Angmar that's pretty legendary training, throw in Legolas's genetics and you have the next Glorfindel, a bit headstrong rash and rather young but that will all one day go away.
Note: Well this chapter was late because of college etc. will try to update but fair warning I have real life stuff. Anyway if you liked review etc. Well laters!