Noxi: Firstly, thank you all so much for reading. You're reviews are so greatly loved and appreciated. Second, there will be a lot of guesswork on my part when it comes to the ranch, and the horses and basically Montana itself. I must give a wonderful, heartfelt thank you to BulletTimeScully for her input on horses. And also to Brazen Hussy for her knowledge on biblical verses.
Warnings: Graphic Domestic Abuse. Also contains mentions of Abuse, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Angst, Language, Manipulation of Religion, Religious Undertones, and Hinted at Animal Abuse.
The Walking Dead belongs to Kirkman and AMC.
Illusion
This was her favorite part of the day. When the sun was just peaking over the snow-capped mountains, and splashed across the field lighting it up like it was on fire. Nothing else moved except for the wind on her face, and the horses at her back.
She was alone finally, in these brief moments. No one to bother her, no one to yell at her, to tell her what to do, and to hurt her. Just a world of silence.
Just her.
She held her coffee tight in her hands, letting the warmth seep into her skin. She inhaled the rich smell and closed her eyes, her elbows resting against the post.
Today, Ed was leaving for Malta and she'd have a peaceful few days to herself. She rolled her head back, stretching her neck. Only to feel a cold nose brush against her arm, and snort air across her skin.
She smiled and turned, leaving her cup on the post.
"Hey there Sky," she murmured to the face before her. Sky nickered, burying his face in her chest.
Carol Peletier felt her chest expand and her heart inflate. If there was one thing she had ever learned in her miserable life, it was that animals never judged, never questioned you, and they never hurt you. There was a quiet understanding that came from them, like they knew what you were feeling.
She rubbed her hands along the side of his face, burying her fingers in his mane that draped down his neck. She leaned forward and rested her forehead against his, closing her eyes, and sighed.
"One day Sky," she whispered, rubbing his neck methodically, as he chewed her shirt. One day Ed wouldn't be able to hurt her anymore. One day Ed wouldn't look at Sophia like that. One day she would tell him exactly how she felt. One day he would get what he deserved.
She pulled away, and Sky stamped his foot, tossing his head back. She laughed at his antics. He was a playful, adoring horse and she loved him for it. But Ed never cared one bit about him. He was too restless, and full of life, and he never took to the whip like Ed had hoped he would. She hated the whip. Hated everything it stood for. Hated that Sky and the others had felt its sting. Hated that it wasn't just used for the horses. If she could have her way, it would be burned. Sky never listened to anything but Carol anyway. Ed hated it, and she loved it. She loved Sky.
"You want to get out?" She said softly as she unlatched the door and slid it wide open. Sky threw his head back, and whinnied and Carol couldn't help but laugh. His excitement was infectious.
She put her hands up, calming him down before he hurt himself in the stall. "Whoa boy," she cooed, loving every way that his muscles rippled underneath his black coat. He was so powerful and yet, he was one of the gentlest creatures she had ever known. She inched forward, pulling the lead rope from the hook, and placed her left hand on his shoulder and her right over his neck and stroked him softly.
"Shh Sky," she whispered as she loped the rope around his neck and held it loosely. He'd never been one for a halter, or anything that restrained him. And she'd never been one to make him do anything he didn't want to. She walked him out of the stall and through the stable. He danced and tossed his head the whole way there, and she couldn't blame him. He was like a child who only wanted to be free.
"Soon Sky, we'll get there soon," she laughed, as he bumped her shoulder with his. And when she reached the gate to the field she pulled it open and he took a moment to pause. She looked up at him, as she slipped the lead rope from around his neck and watched as he stared out into the expanse of green that was the only home he had ever known. The wind kicked up and blew across them both, his long black hair brushing her skin and sending a chill down her spine.
He was such an intelligent animal and she would be forever indebted to the days she had spent with him; crying into his shoulder, sitting by his side in the sun, riding him through the mountain trails. He had always known when she had needed him. Had always been there for her.
And then he took one glance down at her, nosed her cheek and took off, racing through the field. His mane trailed behind him, and his black coat reflected the light of the morning sun. He was beautiful, and he was graceful and he was so strong. He tossed his head, and whinnied, stopping to dance and kick his legs back.
And she couldn't help but laugh, tossing her own head back. He was his name; Sky Dancer. He danced across the fields as if he was flying and he had nothing to hold him back - as if he were free.
Carol closed the gate to the field, feeling her chest tighten slowly. But he wasn't free. It was only an illusion. An illusion they both lived through every day. One that kept them held tight in its grasp and never let go. They were trapped in this cage and she wasn't sure if it would ever break.
She rested her elbows along the gate, gripped her forearms tight and watched Sky dance, watched him fly.
"One day we'll be free," she whispered. But she wasn't sure she believed herself.
xxx
She propped the stool up next to Netty and sat down with a sigh. Nettle groaned, chewing the bucket of ground corn and soybean she'd left for her. Carol chuckled as she patted her hefty side.
"Sorry girl," she murmured, and set about milking her. This wasn't supposed to be her task this morning, but she couldn't find Henry. And Netty needed to be milked. She set about the methodical task with ease, resting her elbows on her knees.
She'd have to wake Sophia and Ed soon, get breakfast ready for them both. There was a shipment of feed to be delivered to Hershel's today and he would have to go by and pick it up.
Of course, today he'd find some reason to avoid going over there. Or he'd make her do it. Ed hated the Greene's. Hated that Hershel was the only vet they could call on. Hated that Hershel bred thoroughbred's for racing and all they did was raise cattle. She sighed and rolled her shoulders, feeling the ache of the bruise begin to radiate down her back. She sat back, and breathed.
She liked Hershel. He was a good man, and he had a good family. He'd been raised into the racing business, and from what she had heard –- it wasn't always successful. There were times when they had almost run themselves into the ground.
Ed thought they were missing out on something grand, which was why he bought Outlaw. But Ed was a fool.
She sighed again, and stretched.
She felt her body ache then, as she let herself just be for a moment. Ed had wanted her last night. She couldn't imagine what for, since he didn't seem to find her appealing in any way. But he'd told her to take off her clothes and then to get in bed.
And so she did as he asked. Because that's what a good wife did. Because if she didn't, he'd hit her again. Because if she didn't, Sophia would suffer.
Only one of them had to suffer because of Ed. Only one of them had to suffer at Ed's hands and she wasn't going to let it be Sophia –- not ever. But it didn't matter how compliant she was. Didn't matter if she gave him whatever he asked for. He was never satisfied and he always had a reason to hurt her.
She looked up at the sound of feet coming her way and smiled as Lincoln rounded the corner of the stall. Netty bellowed her disagreement and Carol chuckled.
"Hush Nettle," she murmured, as she reached over to rub Lincoln behind his ears. He panted heavily, his tongue lolling out the side as he dropped his butt to the ground next to her.
She turned on the stool to give Lincoln her attention, and he scooted his butt closer to her. "Oh Lincoln," she murmured, rubbing along his back, watching the folds of his skin shift and move with her, as his head rested along her arm.
Carol loved the hound like he was her own. But he wasn't. He was just a stray, and she hadn't the heart to make him go. Every day he came waddling into the stable, from lord knows where seeking attention and food.
She'd managed to keep it from Ed all this time, but she was beginning to worry that he was going to find out one of these days. And she feared what Ed would do to her, to him if he did.
Lincoln reached up and licked the whole side of her face.
"Alright, alright," she said laughing, and stood up, grabbing the pale of milk before walking away. He'd gladly lap that up if he was given the chance.
"I'll get you something to eat," she said over her shoulder as he trailed behind her, listening intently, eyes on her. "But you go on to Bluebird's stall and wait for me there. She'll keep you company and out of trouble." She stopped in the middle of the barn and watched him continue on without her.
He was a hefty hound, and she didn't know who would ever let him go. He was the most loveable thing and he adored Sophia. But she couldn't keep him, not with Ed. He would never allow it.
She sighed and walked out of the barn, running her hand along the stalls to greet each of the faces that poked out to sigh, or nicker at her.
She stopped at the opening of the stable and watched as Sky stood in the middle of the field, grazing. She turned her gaze to the head of cattle grazing beyond that, and knew that she would get through today.
"Carol." She turned to see Dale jog up to her, his face red. She didn't like the look he had, or the way he hurried towards her. He never hurried. Dale was the best foreman she could have asked for, but he liked to do things on his own time.
"What's wrong Dale? Did Outlaw get loose again?" Outlaw was always getting loose. He should never have been confined to begin with but that wasn't her call to make - she had tried once and gotten a hard slap for her trouble. Ed was the one who'd bought him, and then made the calls on what to do with him.
Because Ed liked to control what happened on his ranch, even if he didn't know what the –
She took a deep breath, and twisted the ring on her finger.
Dale shook his head, wringing his hands. "No, it's not about Outlaw, though he is throwing a fit." She nodded her head, thinking she'd give him some time in the field today to just breathe.
"It's Henry," Dale continued, eyes widening. "I can't find him anywhere. Not him, or his truck for that matter." Carol bit her lip, and clutched the pale tighter in her hand. This was what she had been afraid of.
"I'll go check the cabin then, before I inform Ed," she said tight-lipped and walked away.
"Carol," Dale called from behind her, and she stopped, looking over her shoulder.
"I thought I saw him moving some things to his truck yesterday. I didn't think anything of it. I'm sorry," he said regretfully. She knew he was, and there was nothing to be done about it. Dale was a good man, with a good heart. She would never blame him for this.
"It's alright Dale. He was a good kid. How were we to know?" Dale nodded, and walked off, shaking his head.
She took a deep breath and walked to the cabin that Henry had been staying in.
She knew what she would find though. Henry would be gone. No trace of why, no explanation –- nothing. Just up and gone. Carol had been afraid this was going to happen.
The thing was, Ed didn't just treat her bad –- he treated everyone bad. She was lucky enough that Dale was older than Ed and knew how to steer clear of him. Knew when to keep things to himself, and knew just how to make Ed happy. Dale was the best foreman she could have asked for.
But Henry was young, and he made mistakes. Mistakes that Ed reamed him out for. Mistakes that Ed could have taught him from, but just made Henry feel bad about himself for.
She took the steps up the cabin, more just a one room building, and opened the door.
She stood for a moment, and felt empty inside. The little house that had a single bed, a small card table, and a sink with a toilet next to it, had been built with the intent that whoever lived here would be familiar with them. And it was empty. Henry and all of his personal belongings were gone.
The cabin wasn't much, because whoever lived there shouldn't have needed more than a place to sleep and use the bathroom. She provided the cooking, and they could come into the house and use what they needed. They lived here because they worked on the ranch. They never charged anyone to live here, and in return, they were paid a quarter the wage. Henry had said it was perfect. Just enough for a single guy like him who was only looking for work and a place to stay.
Of course all of that became more difficult once anyone realized what her relationship was with Ed.
And Henry must have realized that he didn't want to stay either.
How could she blame him? How could she ask anyone to stay when she didn't want to herself?
She stepped back out the door, and let it slam closed behind her. She gripped the pale tight and made her way to the house.
She was going to have to tell Ed that Henry was gone. She was going to have to tell him.
xxx
She'd started breakfast first, figured that getting some food in him would best. Ed was never any better hungry.
And so it was the smell of bacon and eggs that woke Sophia first. She came stumbling into the kitchen, rubbing at her eyes, clutching her doll to her chest.
"Mom," she murmured groggily, sitting down at the table. Carol poured a glass of orange juice and set it down in front of her.
She reached over and kissed the top of her head. "Morning baby," she said, going back to grab the eggs and spoon some onto the plate in front of Sophia.
"Can I stay home today?" Carol looked up, brows furrowed. Sophia rarely ever asked to stay home. Mainly because Ed never let her, and secondly because she didn't like to be around him when he was upset. And there was rarely a day when he wasn't.
"What's wrong honey?" She asked, sweeping her hand across Sophia's forehead, checking for a fever. She found none and sat in the chair next to her.
Sophia fiddled with the doll, and ducked her head. "I just…I just want to stay home with you today," she murmured. She looked up at Carol, eyes wide and pleading. "Can't I please stay home? I'll take care of Bluebird today," she begged.
Carol reached out and caressed her head softly, pushing her hair back. She leaned forward and kissed her head once more and rose to her feet.
As much as she wanted to let Sophia stay at home, she just couldn't. Ed would never allow it. "You have to go to school sweetie," she said softly, putting a few pieces of bacon on her plate. "You know that," she said. And Sophia looked down at her plate, knowing full well why she had too.
Carol knew that Sophia would never ask unless there was a reason. And now she was concerned. Something must have happened at school for her to ask. Because as much as Sophia loved to stay at home and ride her horse Bluebird, she also loved school.
"Eat your breakfast," she murmured, and began piling up a plate at the sound of Ed's feet coming down the hall.
She gripped the edge of the sink, and prayed. Prayed for the strength to withstand whatever Ed would send her way. Prayed for the strength to survive today.
The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
She took a deep breath, and lifted her head. She looked over her shoulder, and gazed at the blonde head seated quietly at the table.
She would survive for Sophia. She always had.
Ed came stomping into the kitchen then and sat himself at the head of table, and immediately started eating. Not a word of greeting. Carol turned and placed a glass of orange juice in front of him.
He snatched it up and took a large swallow.
She waited a moment, gathered her courage for what was sure to come. They couldn't afford to keep many ranch hands, and Henry had been one of the good ones. Now, she wasn't sure what they would do. They were tight as it was.
"Ed," she started and he didn't even stop eating. He continued to shovel the food down until he was completely finished. And then he drank the rest of his orange juice, belching when he was done.
He looked up at Sophia, still ignoring her, and gestured to her plate of food. "You gonna eat girl?" Sophia shook her head no.
"Damn waste of food. Get yer ass ready for school then," he barked as he began to finish Sophia's breakfast as well. Carol stepped forward, touching Sophia's shoulder gently as she hurried from the kitchen.
"Ed there's something I need to tell you," she said louder this time. He just grunted, and she knew that now she had his attention.
"Did ya get the horses taken care a this morning?" She bristled. There were plenty of things she could have done this morning if only Henry had been around. There were plenty of things she could have done if she had had help from him as well.
"No," she said meekly, because she knew what her response would do to him. He stopped eating, and set his fork on the table. And then he looked up at her.
"The hell you mean no?" She swallowed hard, and stood still. Even when he stood up and stalked toward her, she stayed absolutely still.
"I couldn't get to all of the horses," she replied, her hands beginning to shake. His eyes had darkened, and his hands had fisted at his sides.
"Why?" She took a step back, involuntarily. And he followed. Her back was pressed to the kitchen counter behind her and she couldn't stop her heart from beating frantically in her chest. Her hands were sweating and she was afraid. She was always afraid.
"Henry's gone," she whispered. His hands slammed on the counter on either side of her and she flinched, closing her eyes. She felt his breath at her ear, and a tremble went down her spine.
"Fuckin' speak up woman," he growled into her ear. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, and she fought them back with everything she had. If there was one thing she didn't want to do, it was cry. Not in front of him.
"Henry's gone," she said louder, standing as still as she could. She waited, the silence eating at her. And then she flinched as his hand gripped her arm, tight.
"Why's he gone?" He barked, pulling her against him. Carol felt the bile rise in the back of her throat at the feel of her body pressed against his, but she bit her tongue to hold it back.
"I don't know," she stammered out, trying not to fight back. If she fought back, he'd only hurt her worse. "He was just gone this morning. No note, no warning." Ed's eyes flashed, and she closed her eyes. Because she knew what was coming.
Her head jerked back as his hand connected with her jaw. She gasped out as the pain went shooting across her face, and she instinctively clutched at her aching jaw.
"Next time somebody leaves this fuckin' farm, you better know." And then he walked off, picking his jacket up off the chair by the door. "And get them fuckin' horses done 'fore I get back!" He screamed as the door slammed shut behind him.
She stood for a moment, letting the reality of what just happened sink in. And then she started to shake as she slid to the floor, and the tears fell down her cheeks.
"Mom?" She froze, and let her hand drop from her face. She looked up to see Sophia standing in the doorway. "Are you – " She laughed, choking back the tears, and stood up quickly.
"Of course sweetheart," she said, quickly pulling Sophia's lunch out of the fridge, grabbing an apple so she could eat it on the way to school.
"But your face…" Carol swallowed hard, and kept the smile plastered on. "Just slipped sweetie, knocked it on the counter." Sophia kept staring at her, and Carol knew that it was getting harder and harder to convince Sophia that all of her bruises were accidentally self-inflicted. Her daughter wasn't stupid. But Carol could never admit the truth to her.
Because admitting the truth meant admitting that she could never escape this hell.
"Come on baby," she murmured, shuffling her out the door. "Let's see if we can't call Mrs. Grimes to give you a ride today."
xxx
She lay down in bed, exhausted. Her body sagged into the mattress and she didn't even have the energy to pull the sheets up around her.
She'd managed to muck all the stalls, and switch out all the old hay with fresh stuff. She'd brushed down every horse, and given them each attention. She'd even managed to give Outlaw the much needed attention he'd deserved. The horse was beginning to grow on her –- in the way that wounded animals do. He was a good horse. Strong and hard-headed. But he'd been mistreated and she could see that. He needed stability in his life, and a soft hand. Someone who would talk to him with kind words, and make him feel loved. He needed to know that there was still love in this world. And she didn't know if she could give that to him if Ed was the one who would be training him.
She rolled onto her side, pulling the pillow into her arms. The stable roof had needed fixing so Dale had tended to that most of the day and then herded the cattle closer to the shelter. There was a decent chance of rain tomorrow and she didn't want them to be too far from it.
He'd also picked Sophia up from the school today, because for some reason Ed hadn't come home.
And then a group of tourists had come in and she and Dale had given them the trail ride.
Now, she was alone, in bed. And as much as she didn't want Ed beside her, she worried. Where was he tonight? Where had he been all day? And to top it off, the shipment of feed still hadn't been picked up. She knew, because Hershel had called her today. She didn't have time to go out and get it herself. Hershel, being the wonderful man that he was, had told her they would hold onto it until tomorrow.
She closed her eyes, and curled inward. She didn't want to keep doing things like this. She just wanted someone who gave back to her what she gave in return. How was it that she had been given this life? What had she done to deserve this?
She flinched at the sound of the phone ringing and rose from the bed to answer to it.
"Hello?"
"Carol?" She sighed, knowing now what had happened to Ed.
"Hello Rick," she breathed, rubbing the bridge of her nose.
"Unfortunate news," he said, sounding far from unhappy about it, "Ed's staying here tonight." Her stomach twisted, knowing full well that this was never the best course of action.
"What's he done Rick?" Rick sighed. The worst part about being friends with Lori was her husband, Rick. The Sheriff. And he knew exactly how Ed treated her. But if Carol never reported it then he couldn't do anything about it.
"Assaulted an officer, public intoxication," he ticked off, "pretentious asshole," she heard from the background. She knew Shane's voice from anywhere. And as much as she wanted to agree with him, she hated the way he handled things.
"Rick, are you sure he can't just come home?" Rick sighed, rustled with something in the background.
"Carol, you and I both know what he's like when he's drunk. Best he stays here for the night." But you don't know what he's like when he comes home afterwards, she thought. You don't know what I'll have to go through.
"Rick – " she attempted one more time and he cut her off before she could finish.
"Sleep tonight Carol," he murmured softly. And she could hear the concern in his voice, the care and it twisted her insides. Rick was a good man, she couldn't doubt that. But sometimes he didn't fully grasp what her situation was. Sometimes, she just didn't have the heart to tell him.
"Alright Rick," she said softly, knowing exactly what would come tomorrow.
"G'night Carol," he said and the line went dead.
She went to bed, but she couldn't sleep. She lay awake and stared at the ceiling, dreading what tomorrow would bring.
xxx
She rolled out of bed, feet heavy, chest heavy, heart heavy. She wasn't ready to face this day. Wasn't ready for anything.
But she had to get up. There were hungry mouths to feed, and stalls to clean out, and bodies to brush, and faces to greet. So many animals relied on her and she couldn't abandon them. She wouldn't.
She slipped her clothes on and went down the hall, her morning already starting off later than normal. She should have had Netty milked by now, but she just wasn't in it today.
She wasn't prepared.
Not at all.
She stopped dead in the hallway and watched Ed's still form, waiting at the kitchen table. Carol knew by the look on his face that he was sober, that he was pissed, and that she was going to pay.
"Where's my breakfast?" She swallowed hard. How long had he been here, waiting for her? How long had he been home, waiting, watching? She couldn't breathe.
"Ed," she stammered out, but didn't get any further.
He jumped up from the table, sending the chair crashing to the floor. She jumped back a step, clutching at the buffet at her side sending pictures scattering to the floor in her haste.
She wasn't prepared at all.
Not for the way he stormed toward her with a fury in his eyes that sent her heart crashing into her chest. Not for the way he grabbed her shoulder so tight that she whimpered. Not for the way that he pushed her to the ground where she fell backwards into the buffet, knocking her head. For a moment, she couldn't see straight as her head spun.
"Fuckin' Rick Grimes thinks he's somethin'," he muttered above her. She didn't meet his eyes, just curled her body inward. There was nothing to do but ride this out. Nothing to do but wait for it all to end.
"You think I like bein' the town fuckin' joke?" he screamed, and his hand came streaking toward her. Her head slammed back against the wood behind her as his hand connected with her jaw again, and she gasped in pain. Her jaw still ached from yesterday, still hadn't been given enough time to heal.
"Yer my fuckin' problem," he growled, bending low so that they were face to face, and she couldn't look at him. Couldn't face the hatred in his eyes.
Every day something was her fault. One way or another she was the problem. When would it ever be his fault? When would he see that he was the problem?
He grabbed her by the jaw and squeezed hard. "And now, I gotta take care of the problem," he whispered. There was something in the way he said it that scared her. But she didn't know what he was up to.
She flinched as he stepped away from her and flew out the door.
She was breathing hard, clutching at the carpet beneath her, feeling the ache radiate everywhere.
"Momma?" Carol's head snapped up and there was Sophia, standing in the middle of the hallway, doll hanging uselessly at her side. She was dressed and ready for school, but the look on her face told Carol that she had seen everything.
"Sweetie," she whispered and Sophia stepped into the light.
"Mom, I…" the doll slipped from her fingers, and she took another step forward. And then she flung herself into Carol's arms. She hugged Sophia tightly to her chest, feeling the tears stream down her face. She rubbed Sophia's back soothingly.
"Are you okay Mom?" she asked softly. If there was one thing she wasn't, it was okay. But she would never let Sophia know that.
"Can you go to school today?" She felt Sophia nod her head against her shoulder, and she clutched her daughter tighter to her. Sophia was the bravest daughter she could ever have.
"Then I need you to get Dale to call Mrs. Grimes, okay?" Sophia nodded again, and pulled away. Carol pushed back her hair, her hand shaking. She bit her lip to stop the tears. She couldn't call Lori, and she couldn't ask Dale to do that for her. She couldn't face either of them looking like this. They would look at her and know. And she just didn't have the heart to face them.
"Go on baby," she murmured. And Sophia took off, quick. Carol took in a breath, and cradled her aching jaw. But when she looked up she saw a man standing outside, in front of Sophia.
She felt her chest constrict and fear gripped her. For a moment, she thought it was Ed. But then she saw that it wasn't. His hair was too dark, and his face was younger. He didn't carry himself like Ed either.
"Go Sophia," she called, urging her forward. Whoever this stranger was, she didn't need him around her daughter. Not when she didn't know who he was or what he was capable of.
The stranger watched Sophia run, his shoulders curled inward, his face a mix of emotions that she, surprisingly, recognized. Anxiety and fear.
She looked down at herself, looking at the state she was in. This is just what she needed. A stranger to know exactly what her life was like. She felt her lip tremble and bit on it hard. She couldn't let him know how badly she hurt. She couldn't.
She rubbed at her jaw one last time, and winced, feeling the ache lance out. She would would put on the same face that she gave everyone.
And then she looked up at him and smiled.
A/N: I'm no stranger to writing abuse, so I hope I don't scare anyone away because this won't be the last of it. I will always put trigger warnings beforehand though. Thank you for reading!