Noxi: Yeah, this took me just as long as the others and for that I apologize. I can't thank you all enough for still being here, for wanting to be here, and for continuing to share this journey with me. I have never been more grateful for a fanbase than you all.
The Walking Dead belongs to Kirkman and AMC.
Safe and Sound
She hesitated a moment, as her hand wrapped around his palm, and he didn't know where her trembling began and his ended. Goosebumps littered his arm and he swallowed hard. He could remember the last time he'd held someone's hand before, and his Ma didn't count for much.
He adjusted his crossbow across his chest again, trying to ignore the way his palm itched.
He didn't know these mountains, or the darkness that surrounded them. He didn't like that, wished in that moment for any kind a Georgia. That was his home. That was what he knew best.
He shook his head once, jaw clenching at the thought.
This was home now. That was the choice he'd made when he'd come here.
He looked behind him, at her face, ghostly in the dark.
She was a part of his life now. Somethin' he could protect. And she was right here in front of him; real, solid in his grasp, and she needed him. Not like the ghosts that were haunting him, the things he couldn't see if they were real or not.
He clutched at the strap, holding onto that the familiar weight on his back. It gave him strength, made him feel in control. Didn't matter where he was. He was the best damn tracker no matter what.
He grunted, and tugged her along.
xXx
Someone was cradling her hand but she barely noticed. She was staring at the white-washed walls as the people bustled around her. It was any other day, except she was the one who had lost something.
She was the one who supposed to be sad.
Because he was dead.
Gone.
Never coming back.
Ed was gone forever and that should have meant…something. It should have made her feel something. But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. She had taken his life, and it wouldn't have been right for her to be relieved about that. But she couldn't be sad either.
Because now he would never be able to hurt her again.
"I have to go." She turned, shifting, the world coming at her fast and she found Jacqui at her side; quiet, and unmoving. Jacqui was watching her, concerned yet she still nodded her head.
"What about Ed?" Carol shook her head, pulling her hand away. She picked up her purse, slung her sweater over her arm and closed her eyes as the walls began to shift unsteadily.
"Carol?" She gripped her stomach, swallowing hard, pulling herself together.
"I have to go," she repeated, much firmer this time. She had to get out of there. She had to go home. Sophia had been here, but now she wasn't. And right now, that's who she needed. Her baby. Her little girl. The one thing she had left in this world that had ever mattered to begin with.
"Carol!" Jacqui called as Carol took off, leaving her behind, all of her questions unanswered. She couldn't deal with him right now. And why did she have to? She'd been dealing with him her whole life. And now?
Now she was finally free to make her own choices without fear of punishment for them.
"What about Ed?" Jacqui yelled down the white hallways after her as she pushed passed the bodies, stopping before the automatic sliding doors. She turned around to see that Jacqui had followed her, stopping halfway.
"What about him?" she said back, void of any feeling. But she could see the look on Jacqui's face, and she knew that Jacqui would never understand why Carol just couldn't deal with Ed right now. So she turned and walked out the sliding doors into the brisk air that nipped at her bare skin to find her daughter.
xXx
He was running hard, running until his lungs burned. And then he was running some more.
He didn't know where he was going, but he kept the sun at his back and that was good enough for him. The farm was in the direction of the setting sun and the farther he got from it, the better.
-Ya think it's gonna get better boy?-
He missed a step, and nearly fell, stumbling back into running step. A deer sprang out of the trees next to him, running beside him for a moment before taking off faster ahead of him, disappearing into the shadows.
-You think shit's gon' change?-
He ducked his head, the sweat dripping into his eyes. He tried to shake the voice away but failed.
-Ya think I wouldn'ta done you in too boy!?-
He flinched, glancing up quickly.
"Fuck!" he screamed and he skidded, trying to stop himself, but it was too late.
His momentum carried him off the ledge and over. And he was free-falling, in the late afternoon sun over the tops of the trees below him. For a moment, it was as if he was actually flying. For a moment, he felt a sudden wave of freedom wash over him.
And then gravity pulled him down and he crashed through the branches, each one trying to grab at him in vain, leaving another pain behind. He had a fleeting thought that he should be so lucky the ledge he jumped from hadn't been worse.
And then the ground came rushing up to meet him and his last image was of his ol' man standing over him, fists baring down, and the pain exploding in his head was more excruciating than ever.
And the darkness covered him.
xXx
She sat in the car, engine off, watching as people stood gathered near her barn, a few others working to repair the mangled shed.
But what kept her there was that she could tell that they were talking about her. It didn't take a genius to know. It was obvious in the way they kept glancing over their shoulders, or the way Dale kept interjecting or how Lori's face was set in anger. She knew.
And she wasn't sure she wanted to face that right now.
All she wanted to do was find Sophia, and curl up on the couch with her. Maybe make some hot cocoa. It wasn't cold enough for it, but she could sure use the comfort of it.
But she knew that Sophia had somehow gotten to the hospital, and someone had to of driven her there. They had too. Sophia didn't walk to the hospital. And that left only a few people that Sophia would ask. So she had to get out of the car. She had to face those scrutinizing faces. She had to face their judgments.
She took a deep breath and got out, thinking only about Sophia. And it was her door slamming shut that got everyone's attention and running toward her.
Lori got to her first.
"Carol, my god, are you okay?" She realized she must have looked terrible. She nodded, watching as the others formed a loose circle around her, making her feel uncomfortable.
"Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" Dale asked. She swallowed nervously.
"I needed to come home," she said quietly, and a few faces nodded, but she could see a few others didn't. It was how they crossed their arms, and looked down at her from their noses.
"Carol, I'm so sorry," she heard Lori say but she wasn't really listening.
Strangely, it was Daryl's face she was looking for amongst all of the familiar ones that stood before her. As much as she appreciated Lori's support and Dale's, she found herself looking desperately for his face in the crowd, expecting his piercing blue eyes to be gazing back at her.
And when she didn't find them, she realized she was disappointed.
"Carol?"
"Where's Sophia?" she asked, her second realization dawning fast, as her true intentions of coming home so quickly came rushing back. She turned to Dale and clutched his arm tight.
"She's here, right?" Dale looked at her confused, resting a firm hand comfortingly over hers.
"I haven't seen her Carol," Dale said, an edge lacing his voice as he too realized what that meant.
"You mean you didn't take her to the hospital, you didn't bring her back home?" She was frantic now, fighting her breath. The others looked around, confused.
Dale shook his head; worry clear in his eyes now as he looked around the farm. "To be honest, I haven't seen her all afternoon," he admitted nervously.
Panic coiled in her chest. "Dale, what do you mean you haven't seen her?" She practically screamed at him, but she pulled back, her voice tightening.
She teetered, her vision suddenly blurry as she realized that the last time she had seen Sophia was at the hospital, nearly two hours ago. And she had seen her father dead, on a bed, and Carol nearly helping him along.
"Dale where is she?!" she screamed, clutching at his arms.
Dale grabbed her by the shoulders and took a deep breath, holding her gaze. "Carol," he murmured, and she shuddered, feeling her heart breaking little by little. Was this to be her punishment, for letting Ed go?
Was she to lose the only person she had ever loved?
"I can't lose her Dale," she whispered, as her eyes burned. "Not her too."
"Carol," Dale said firmly, "stop. Stop it." He steered her away from the others, and she was grateful for it. She took a deep, shuddering breath.
"Good," he said, watching as she tried to calm herself. "Now let's think about this. Sophia's a smart girl. Maybe she just went for a walk." Carol shook her head, remembering the hospital, remembering the way she had looked when she had seen Ed.
"No," she whispered desperately, "no." Dale looked confused.
"She saw him Dale," she said, her voice breaking. For a second, Dale's confusion stood and then it was gone, replaced by a grim realization.
He was nodding then. "Alright, well, we know she's just like you," he said reasonably, looking about. Carol didn't understand what he meant.
He chuckled. "She's always going to a place that comforts her when she's upset," he explained. "You know Sophia, Carol. Where does she go when she's most upset?"
Carol thought for a moment about all the places that had ever felt like safety to her daughter. Usually she went to Bluebird, the one companion she could always count on when anything went wrong.
But now, she couldn't. Home wasn't the same anymore. She had done that.
"Carol," Dale said softly, and she shook her head, still trying to think.
So now that she didn't have home, and Bluebird, where else would she have gone?
"There's this place," she said, remembering all the times Sophia had come home from a ride with Bluebird quiet and solemn, but happy. She had asked her once where she had gone, and Sophia had only replied, "where the sun is always shining." And when she had laughed, and said that sun shines everywhere up here, Sophia had said, "yes, but it always makes me feel better. Even when I don't think I can."
Carol had never heard her daughter talk like that before, nor did she think she was capable of it. And if she were honest, she didn't like hearing Sophia talk that way so she had ignored it. Thinking that ignoring it would ignore what was behind the message.
How stupid, she thought.
"Sophia always went to this place when she went on a ride with Bluebird," she said, knowing that in the end, she didn't know where her daughter had went at all. But it was something.
"Do you know where?" Dale asked. She shook her head no.
"But she would have had to start on our trails and gone from there. It's our best shot Dale. And it's all I've got." Dale nodded, grabbing her hand firmly.
"Then let's get Rick over here."
xXx
-You think I ever wanted you?-
-Boy like you?-
-Selfish little fuck who ain't worth a lick?-
Laughter echoed in his head, making the pounding headache he had worse.
He woke up to a deep ache everywhere, and his first thought was that his ol' man had beat the shit out him. Again. Something, somewhere was broken. He could feel it. Ache like that wasn't just a bruise. He could feel it all the way down to his bones.
He shifted, tried to roll onto his side and groaned.
Rib.
Then he remembered that he'd taken a goddamn leap off a ledge and fallen nearly twenty feet headfirst into the dirt. No wonder he felt like death warmed over.
He opened his eyes and the orange sunlight filtered through the branches. Sun was already setting now, and soon it would be dark.
"Dammit," he groaned, pushing himself into a sitting position.
-You done fucked up now boy!-
He winced, at the pain in his side, at the one taunting him, and he took a steadying breath.
He should a been watching where he was fuckin' going. Now he'd been out for who knew how long, and he was disoriented and hurt.
-You lost boy? Need ya Mama?-
"Ain't lost dammit," he ground out, lifting up his shirt, wincing at the mottled purple that colored his skin. Definitely a broken rib. He swallowed thickly, suddenly thirsty.
"Fuck," he muttered. He didn't have nothing on him either. No water, no food, and nothing to help with his wound. He was shit outta luck and he didn't know how to get back to the farm now.
-Always told ya you was the stupid one.-
He grit his teeth and stood up quickly, trying to ignore the voice. He screamed once, clutching at his side as he leaned against the tree next to him, panting heavily. He should a done that slower.
He glanced around him, trying to get his bearings, and spat.
"Shit," he breathed. He saw his crossbow lying a few feet away. He hobbled toward it, stretching his legs experimentally as he went. He could feel his leg resisting him, and his ankle was stiff. He thought it was sprained, hoped it was. Didn't need that to be broken either. Didn't think he'd be able to walk on it if it was but he didn't know, didn't put it past him.
He bent over slowly, wincing and groaning as he went, and when his fingers closed over the crossbow he straightened up as quickly as he could. He had to get back. He was injured and he didn't know how bad but he had to get back now.
He took off his sleeveless flannel, breathing deep, wrapped it around his middle, pulling it tight. Once it was set best as he could get it, he slung the crossbow over his back again, a slow and painful process.
He leaned against a tree, taking a moment to rest.
-You was a weak boy too.-
He growled, feeling the exhaustion hit him, and the pain eat at him. He'd left his old life behind. He didn't need it coming back now.
-Think you can get rid a me that easily?-
"Get the fuck away from me," he growled, spinning on his heel, swatting at nothing, pulling at his side. He hissed at the pain.
-Can't never get rid a me boy.-
He started walking, thinking he could put it behind him. He had to find his way back, had to get somewhere safe.
-Ya think they gonna want someone as fucked as you?-
He tripped, and grabbed the nearest tree for support, panting.
-Yous hearin' me in ya head boy!-
He walked faster, as fast as his trembling legs could carry him. He had to get back. He had to get away.
-Yous the one who did this to me.-
He shook his head, pushing away the images, the memories that flooded in, tearing at his insides. This was happening. He'd taken a fall and he was gonna let one little slip up do this to him?
He was fuckin' better than that. He was a fuckin' Dixon and they didn't let nothin' keep them down. Only a Dixon could kill a Dixon.
-They ain't gonna want ya once they find out.-
He swallowed hard, his heart missing a beat. They wouldn't ever find out. He'd make sure a that.
-No one ever wanted you.-
He gritted his teeth and kept walking, stumbling. It weren't true. It weren't. He knew that, he knew it and he told himself that every day.
-Not me.-
Shut up.
-Not Merle.-
Shut. up.
-Not even ya Ma.-
"Shut the FUCK UP!"
He stood panting for a moment, his heart racing as the echo of his ol' man's voice faded away and the sun flared in his eyes as it set beyond the trees.
"I'm sorry." He turned so fast he screamed out in pain, clutching at his side as he fell to his knees. He panted hard, feeling his side, his fingers catching at the bone just nearly puncturing his skin. The sweat dripped into his eyes, stinging, and he licked his dry lips.
He looked up and he thought he was dreamin'.
"The hell are you doin' out here?" he asked, stunned.
Sophia stood in front of him, pale and scared, clutching at her shirt as she stared at the ground. And when she looked up at him, tears were streaming down her face.
He sighed heavily, feeling his chest tighten.
"Dammit."
xXx
"I've gathered up two search parties that both Shane and Sasha will be leading," Rick announced.
Carol stood at the sink, staring out the window. Lori placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and squeezed.
"Why Shane," she said, hating the idea that he would be out there looking for her little girl, "why aren't you going out there?" She turned around to find Rick standing in the doorway, hand to his walkie-talkie. And then saw the sympathetic look on his face and she nearly smacked it off.
"It's better if I stay here, to coordinate with everyone. Shane does better in the field. Unless you'd rather him here," he asked, brow arching questionably. She shook her head, turning away.
"No," she admitted tiredly, a stray tear falling. "No."
"I should be finding her myself," she muttered.
"Carol," Lori started, "you shouldn't. You just lost your husband." And Carol thought she had never heard a more pathetic excuse in her life. Ed was nothing compared to her Sophia.
"You're tired, exhausted, and if you go out there like that now it won't do any good," Lori said, placing a hand on her arm.
Carol turned and slapped her hand away.
"Carol –"
"She's my daughter," Carol spit back vehemently, feeling the last of her reserve die out. She knew Lori was only trying to be helpful but to suggest that she couldn't do anything but sit and wait?
"She's all I have left in this world and you want me to sit back and do nothing?" Lori was stunned silent.
"Carol we don't think you can't do anything," Rick tried. "We just don't want you to exhaust yourself. It's been a rough couple days." Carol turned her back on them as the tears slipped down her cheeks, hot and shameful.
"We're going to do everything we can to find her. Let us do that for you," he said softly.
She knew they cared about her and Sophia. She knew that. But to not be out there herself, looking for her baby, hurt worse than anything Ed had ever done to her.
"I just…" she tried, and failed to finish.
Lori pulled her into a hug and she let her, the warmth of her friend the only physical comfort she'd had in days.
"Let us do this Carol. Hell," he said chuckling, "even Daryl's out there. He's got a helluva chance of running into her as well."
But all Carol could think about was how she was now failing her daughter.
xXx
What he wouldn't give for a fuckin' cigarette. He leaned back against the tree, closing his eyes. He breathed deep, the pain a dull, steady ache now. Somethin' that should a worried him but that he just couldn't think about. He cracked an eye open, and glanced down.
Sophia stood off to the side, her hands pressed so tight together they were white. That's what he had to worry about.
He didn't know what to do. They had to get back, for the both of them. It was already getting dark and he wasn't sure what would happen when they lost all the light. He didn't know these woods like the ones back home and he was screwed if they didn't get back fast. It was already getting cold and she weren't wearing nothin' but a t-shirt and some shorts.
His side throbbed and he ignored it.
"Fuck," he groaned, and pushed off. Merle would be laughin' at him if he were here. He'd been through worse shit than this. How many times had he been beaten senseless by his ol' man? How many times had he been left to deal with a broken wrist or ankle in the middle a nowhere all cos the ol' man didn't want to help him home. Cos that was work.
How many times had his ol' man carved him up, just for fun?
He was an asshole. He'd done more things to Daryl than he could count. He had more scars on his body from his ol' man than any hunting accident or brawl with Merle.
"Are you…" he glanced over his shoulder and Sophia cowered, ducking her head. He took a deep breath. He didn't want to scare her but damn if he wasn't tired, and angry at himself, and fuck if it didn't hurt.
"Fine," he growled, and he kept walking, pushing away the pain in his side with each step he took. He had too if he wanted to get back home. Needed too. Couldn't wimp out now.
He wasn't the only one he had to worry about and he couldn't let the pain stop him. He'd been through worse, pushed through worse. He could sure as hell do it now.
He looked down, catching sight of her blonde head in the quickly fading sunlight and he sighed. He couldn't even imagine what she was goin' through. Course, he almost could. She'd just lost a fuck up for a father and ran off because it was too much to be around, and then she got lost.
He shook his head.
He definitely knew what she goin' through. And he didn't like one fuckin' bit what that brought up inside a him.
"I uh…sorry 'bout yer dad," he murmured, clutching at his side as he continued on, though he didn't so much feel sorry for Peletier as he did Sophia. Girl didn't need to know what it was like to lose somebody that young. Even if Peletier deserved it.
She was silent beside him, and he could just barely see her in the dying light as she swallowed hard and her face pinched. He thought she was gonna cry again, but she didn't. He was surprised by that.
"I…" She stopped walking, and turned to look up at him
"Is it bad that…that I…" she looked desperate, and this time the tears sat heavy in her eyes and he was afraid of what she was going to say. He recognized the look in her face and he knew this little girl was smarter than she looked.
She was a lot more like him than he had thought would be possible.
And then her small hands curled into fists and she ducked her head, but he didn't miss the way her tears fell down her face. "Is it bad that I'm not sad that he's gone?" she asked, her voice choking up on her tears.
He felt his chest tighten.
"Am I a bad person for…" her voice quivered, and in that moment he wanted to run so far that his legs shook, "for being glad that he's gone?" She looked up, seeking out his gaze, and he saw in her eyes a feeling he hadn't wanted to remember. The one he'd thought he'd escaped.
And he knew then that she had known all along just what Carol had been going through. Who knew how many years this little girl had been watching and suffering all by herself and not being able to do nothing as her Ma was abused her whole life.
He had never felt so conflicted before - between wanting to run so goddamn far from this little girl who reminded him so much of his own life, and from wanting to tell her that it was all going to be okay now. That her fucked up ol' man was never going to hurt nobody, ever again. Not her, not her Ma. Nobody.
But he knew, he still felt those same conflicting emotions and he knew he couldn't let her go on thinking that she were wrong for thinking she were bad. Because there were no way in hell that she were.
Peletier was the one who was bad. Peletier was the one who'd done wrong by her. Peletier was the one who deserved everything kind a hell and worse.
"No," he whispered gruffly. Her eyes grew big and her mouth dropped open. "It don't make ya bad for feelin' free a the person who never made you feel safe," he said quickly, nearly regrettin' saying it but knowing he had too. Because all this time he kept trying to tell himself that. All this time he'd been trying to tell himself that it was okay. That it was okay.
But it still wasn't the same. And it never would be.
Her hand grazed over his knuckles, and he jerked back, shocked by her touch.
"I just…" she started, looking ashamed, "you didn't look okay," she whispered, her green eyes so soft and kind. He cleared his throat and stepped back, feeling like he'd crossed a line he wasn't supposed to. He'd said something to her and he shouldn't have. He should a kept his damn mouth shut. Carol wouldn't want him talkin' to her little girl like that. Who the hell was he?
Just a dumb redneck with a fucked up past and a bad person cos a it.
Who was he to tell Sophia anything?
"Don't listen to me kid," he ground out harshly, and brushed passed her, feeling a coldness wash over him and trail in his wake. And when he glanced over his shoulder she was staring after him, a quiet understanding in her eyes.
xXx
She'd sent everyone home because she couldn't stand seeing them there and she didn't want them all to see her like this either.
As much as she wanted to break down and cry and throw something against the wall, she just wanted to sit on the porch in the swing in silence.
That's what she wanted – silence. The whole world seemed to be screaming at her and she couldn't find a damn moment of quiet. Ed calling her a dumb whore, Dale needing help with a horse, Sophia needing help with homework, the horses crying, the truck horn blaring, Allen yelling in her face, Lori and Andrea defending her when she didn't want it.
The sound of the monitor blaring, on and on as if screaming at her, as if her mother were right there telling her to do whatever was necessary to save her husband and be a good wife.
She stood up abruptly, grabbing the book at her side and took off down the porch steps. And before she knew it she was running, out of breath, her lungs, her legs burning. But she didn't stop, not until she was at the fire pit where the hands would huddle in the long winter nights to stay warm. Except this time it wasn't lit, and she wasn't walking through three feet of snow.
She knelt down and searched for the lighter that Henry used to stash out here; he never liked to make the run back and get one when they forgot. When her fingers closed over it she sat back on her heels, holding the lighter in one hand and the book in the other, feeling as if her heart were trying to pound its way out of her chest.
"You've abandoned me," she said. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the black binding of the book. "And all you've ever done is show me how to be weak, all you've ever done is let him control me. When I sought comfort, you gave me pain. When I needed love, you gave me suffering. And when I needed help, you were never there."
She placed the book in the middle of the scorched earth, the circle of rocks trapping it inside. She hunched forward again, onto her knees, and wanted to cry but couldn't. She just took hold of the lighter and flicked it open, watching as the flame jumped to light on the first strike.
She closed her eyes, and for a moment, she knew she shouldn't be doing this.
She couldn't burn the bible.
There must have been some kind of law against it. Or she would go to hell for it surely.
But she just laughed, harsh in her own ears. She was already going to hell, for every violent thought she had ever had against Ed. For every impure thought she had ever had for another man. For every time she had ever thought about taking her own life.
And that was the last straw. How was it okay for her to feel that way and still suffer?
She tossed the lighter onto the bible and stood up, watching as the flames slowly took to the fragile pages. It wasn't long before the book was consumed in the orange flames.
This was nothing.
Not compared to everything that Ed had ever done to her. Not to what she had had to suffer at his hands. Not for every moment that her daughter was missing because of him.
"Where were you when I needed you most?" she whispered, as the tears fell without abandon down her cheeks. She looked up into the darkening sky, as her heart clenched. "What has my faith gotten me but pain?"
There was no answer just as there never had been. She gave a short laugh, and knew she was being childish. But that didn't mean it didn't not hurt. She had suffered under the guise of her faith for the entirety of her marriage, of her life and she was supposed to believe that that was okay?
It wasn't.
She reached up and unclasped the necklace around her neck and held it delicately in her hand. The cross sat in her palm, and for a moment she hesitated, as the empty feeling on her neck weighed on her.
And then she tossed the cross into the last of the flickering flames of the bible and she only took a moment to watch them both burn before turning away, leaving them both behind along with her faith.
xXx
"Do you see that?" she whispered, pointing ahead of them. He'd been checking on a deer trail he'd found but wasn't proving to be useful. He'd been hoping to find a horse trail but nothing was coming up. They must a been too far from the farm for any of them to be around here.
"See what?" he asked, glancing up, pushing himself into a standing position painfully. And when he finally got to his feet Sophia took off.
"Hey!" he shouted after her, taking a quick step but stopping immediately as his side protested painfully. "Dammit," he growled, walking quickly after her.
He could barely make out the direction she had taken off in, when he finally saw what she had meant.
"What the hell?" He burst through the clearing of trees and found Sophia standing near a road, glancing back and forth.
"It's the highway!" she announced, a sudden hope in her voice. She turned toward him, rubbing at her arms, warding the cold off. "It's the road around the mountains," she said again, and this time he felt that hope sink a little into his own skin.
This was better than wandering through the woods in the dark, not knowing where the fuck he was going.
He looked down one way, and then the other before turning back to her, that sudden hope fading in the wind.
"You know which way to go?" She turned back to the road, and he watched her face drop, and her shoulders sag.
And she shook her head no.
xXx
Carol saw Lincoln sitting by the barn, watching the driveway patiently. And Carol nearly broke into tears as she watched him. She sat next to him, leaning back against the barn, and wrapped an arm around the husky hound.
"She has to come back," she whispered, her voice thick. "She has too, Lincoln." She buried her face in his neck and breathed, breathed in the solidarity of him at her side. She had to believe that these people, her friends, would bring Sophia back to her.
"But Rick," Lori said exasperatedly. Carol lifted her head and held her breath. She suddenly heard Lori and Rick shuffling inside the barn, just around the corner. How had she not known they were in there?
"What do we do if she isn't found?" Lori asked desperately. Rick sighed. Carol felt her heart quicken, and she tried to tamp down her breathing.
"We're doing everything we can to find her Lori. I've got Shane and Sasha out with two groups, and Dale says that Daryl's out there right now." Carol sucked in a quick breath, clapping a hand over her mouth to stop it. She had forgotten that Daryl was out there.
Dale had told her earlier that Daryl had run off for some reason and hadn't been back since. She hadn't been concerned about it because, well, he wasn't important right now. But if he was out there?
She closed her eyes at the spark of hope that lit inside her.
He was one more person, one more chance that her daughter would be found.
"But Daryl's not looking for Sophia. Hell, he doesn't even know she's missing," Lori said exasperatedly. Carol heard Rick take a deep breath. And Carol wondered why they were out here, talking in her barn, secretly. Why were they trying to keep this from her?
Did they think she was weak? Did they think they had to keep this from her? Just because she'd lost Ed didn't mean she couldn't handle whatever they had to say.
She wasn't weak.
"I know that," he said forcefully, and Carol leaned across Lincoln to look around the doors and saw Rick draw a hand down his face tiredly.
"But at least he's out there Lori. At least if he comes across her, he can bring her back. Something tells me he'll have better luck than we will even without knowing." Lori shook her head, her expression pained.
"I can't stand seeing Carol go through this. She just went through Ed, and now Sophia's gone too? She has to be found Rick. You have to find her," she said, staring at him pleadingly.
Rick took a step forward, and rubbed her arm comfortingly as he reached up to sweep back her hair from her face. She leaned into his touch as he caressed her face.
"I know," he murmured, kissing her forehead as he wrapped her into a hug.
Carol looked away, a pain in her chest, wrapping her arms around herself.
Carol had never had what Lori and Rick did. Never. She had never known any of that comfort before.
Her only comfort now was that she wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Her only comfort was that the one person who had ever done her harm, would never be able to again.
Who would ever love her now? Who would ever think she was worth loving now, after all that she had been through and put herself through?
She was weak, she was pitiful. She didn't deserve to be loved. Not like this.
"It doesn't matter," she whispered, burying her face against Lincoln.
And it didn't. Not as long as Sophia came back, safe and sound.
xXx
They kept walking until even his legs were beginning to feel it, and then they walked some more. He knew the little girl wouldn't be able to keep going at this rate but he knew they couldn't stop either. He had to get her home. He wasn't sure how far they had to go because he wasn't familiar with the area. But he was pretty sure they had a ways to go. He hadn't realized how far they'd gotten lost.
He could hear Merle laughing at him now. Lost like a damn idiot. He was a Dixon for fucks sake. He'd been born and raised in the woods, beneath the mountains. He'd been trackin' since the day he could walk, huntin' since the day he could carry a gun, killin' since he could remember. He was born in blood, raised in blood, beaten in blood, and tamed under blood.
This was what he knew best.
Yet here he was, unable to get himself back the way he'd come.
He didn't know if it was cos the sun was different here, or if it was the altitude difference. Something had him off balance and he couldn't quite place it.
Or it was her.
But he couldn't do that, couldn't blame the girl. He'd never do that, cos there weren't nothin' to do but deal with it. She was here and he had to get her home. That's just what it was.
He wasn't gonna be like his ol' man and blame the ones who couldn't fight back. Not when he could help her.
"I'm tired," she said quietly, stopping next to him. He looked down, staring at the top of her head as she stared at the ground, her legs trembling violently.
He didn't know what to do. They'd walked a long fuckin' way for them to just stop now, but he knew she had to a been tired. He couldn't blame her for that. Girl had pushed a long way for him and what was he supposed to do?
Yell at her to keep going? Yell at her for not going all the way?
He ran a hand over his face, and breathed a heavy sigh.
He couldn't do that. His ol' man had done a lot a things to him to get him to do anything, and yellin' was the least of it, but he knew he never liked to be yelled at. And he knew her ol' man had yelled more than she needed to hear.
He wouldn't do that to her. He would never do that to her.
But it was just his luck that there hadn't been one single car to come down this road. Just his Dixon fuckin' luck. He should a kept to the woods and the sparse trail he'd had even if the darkness had been comin'.
And then he felt her hand along his arm, gentle, unexpected, and he looked down. She looked up at him with those big green eyes a hers, just like her Ma's and the anxiety ballooned in his chest.
"I'm sorry," she murmured, her fingers curling around his wrist and he swallowed hard, "I – I can keep going. I didn't mean it. I'm okay," she stuttered.
He closed his eyes tight against the familiarity of the tone of her voice as his hands fisted at his sides. His nails bit into the skin of his palm as years and years of abuse came barreling into him, striking home.
She was afraid he was going to be mad at her. And he couldn't blame her. How many times had he feared his ol' man when he'd done something to piss him? How many times had that fear been justified?
"Ain't nothing kid," he said gruffly, slowly uncurling his fists and staring into the darkness ahead of them. He reached up, fingers curling over his shoulder, finding the lumpy flesh of his back. The constant reminder of what he had left behind, of who he was and what he had become.
She was right to be afraid.
"We gotta keep movin'," he said, gritting his teeth and walking ahead.
He was who he was. He'd been made this way.
He looked back, makin' sure she was followin', hating the way she curled her arms around herself in the cold. Hating the way she trudged along wearily and he couldn't do nothing about it.
"Gotta keep goin'," he muttered, more to himself this time.
He'd get Sophia home, back to her Ma.
Cos that's who he was too.
xXx
They still held to the hope that Sophia would come back safe and sound. Rick waited patiently in the kitchen with Dale, talking softly to each other. Lori sat with them, drinking coffee, offering Carol a cup every time they made eye-contact.
But they always said words of comfort in front of her -
They'll find her, don't worry.
It's just a matter of time.
Sophia's a smart girl.
- when she really felt like they had just as little hope as she did. And that made her die a little more inside. Because somewhere deep inside of herself, it felt like Sophia was never coming back. It felt has if she had lost everything. It felt as if this was her punishment.
And if that was the case, then she wasn't sure she wanted to go on.
A life without Sophia wasn't a life at all.
"If she doesn't come back," she said rubbing Lincoln's head slowly, "then…" and she trailed off, staring into his big brown eyes. If Sophia didn't come back, then nothing else mattered. If Sophia was never found again, then she had no reason to live.
Lincoln moaned, nudging her with his nose as if he could sense her decision.
"Then it doesn't matter," she whispered.
xXx
"Dammit," he murmured, panting heavily. It was cold, and he was tired, and it was too dark. "How the hell did we end up so fuckin' far?" he panted between gasps. It didn't seem possible that they could keep walking and still not see anything in sight.
"It's because of the mountains," Sophia said, walking up next to him.
He glanced down at her, skeptical. She was breathing heavy, her shoulders heaving with each breath. He realized they must have been walking, but it had to be slow going. Maybe that was why they didn't seem to be making any progress.
"The roads twist," she said softly, looking up at the sky as the stars blinked back. "And the mountains get so dark that you think you're going somewhere but you're not. You've got so far to go."
Daryl groaned, suddenly remembering why he hated mountains and let his head hang back, staring up at the midnight sky.
He could remember the last night he and Merle had sat beneath a black sky just like this one, a fire at their feet and a bottle of whiskey to warm their bellies. That was the last decent memory he had of the both of them. The last one he cared to remember.
And then he felt something soft and warm slip into his hand and he froze. She hesitated a moment, as her hand wrapped around his palm, and he didn't know where her trembling began and his ended. Goosebumps littered his arm and he swallowed hard. He could remember the last time he'd held someone's hand before, and his Ma didn't count for much.
He shifted his gaze from the sky to her face, and he saw the anxiety in her eyes, felt like he wanted to run again. How the hell was this one little girl making him feel like he was incapable of doing nothing. Why did it feel like knew exactly what he was feeling?
He cleared his throat uncomfortably, and his crossbow across his chest again, trying to ignore the way his palm itched.
He didn't know these mountains, or the darkness that surrounded them. He didn't like that, wished in that moment for any kind a Georgia. That was what he knew best.
He shook his head once, jaw clenching at the thought. This was home now. That was the choice he'd made when he'd come here.
He looked down at her face, ghostly in the dark, gazing up at him expectantly.
She was a part of his life now. Somethin' he could protect. And she was right here in front of him; real, solid in his grasp, and she needed him. Not like the ghosts that were haunting him, the things he couldn't see if they were real or not.
He clutched at the strap, holding onto that the familiar weight on his back. It gave him strength, made him feel in control. Didn't matter where he was. Didn't matter how bad he hurt. He was the best damn tracker no matter what.
He grunted, and tugged her along.
xXx
The sun had already long disappeared beyond the mountains, the cold had set in and if her heart hadn't been aching, it would have been beautiful. Instead, the cold pit in her stomach grew deeper and deeper as the darkness grew.
The light was gone and Sophia still wasn't home. The chance of her daughter finding her way home now was gone. Sophia was a smart girl but she couldn't navigate in the dark, alone and probably afraid.
Her throat closed up, and she pulled Lincoln to her side, burying her face against his neck. Lincoln sat stoic as ever, watching the edge of the forest for Sophia's return.
"What will I do Lincoln?" she murmured, running her fingers through his fur. Her eyes burned, and her throat closed up.
"I can't lose her too," she cried softly. Lincoln turned his head toward her and licked her arm, resting his chin on her shoulder, sighing heavily.
She could hear the others moving in the house, their voices carrying softly through the window.
She had told them they could go home, but they had insisted on staying. Lori hadn't wanted to leave her side, and Carol knew it was because whatever happened she suspected it wouldn't end in her favor. Rick stayed for Lori and to keep Carol informed. But nothing good ever came. Nothing ever came.
And Dale just watched. He sat and he watched, and she could tell by his looks that he was feeling guilty. She didn't want him too, but she didn't have the will to tell him not too either.
She just wanted to be alone, and they wouldn't even let her have that.
And what was she supposed to do? They wouldn't go home, not even at her insistence, and she didn't have it in her to fight them. So they stayed.
She did, however, fight them to go to the porch to be alone.
She needed to be alone with her thoughts.
It was quiet. The spotlight on the barn lit up the yard several feet like a halo of golden light in the dark. But it didn't stretch far enough for her to feel comforted. It didn't stretch far enough to bring her baby home.
And the longer she sat there, the more it became apparent that Sophia was never coming back. Her daughter was gone. Forever.
And it was her fault.
"Just like everything else," she murmured as the tears slipped down her cheeks.
xXx
"Daryl," she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper as she tugged at his hand. He couldn't believe she'd said his name. The entire time they'd walked, and walked, and walked and she'd not said it once and now?
"Look," she pointed off into the darkness ahead of them, the road twisting in front of them, eerily quiet.
But for a single, distinct sound.
"Daryl," she said more urgently, but still so quiet, as if she said it any louder she might spook what was before them.
And he couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe what he was seein'. And if he hadn't been lookin' at it with his own two eyes, he'd a never believed it.
"I don't fuckin' believe it," he whispered as Sophia's hand tightened in his.
And they stood there, stunned.
xXx
She walked up the steps, her feet heavy when Lincoln howled, loud and deep, penetrating through Carol's heart. She stopped mid-step and turned, knowing immediately that something was wrong.
She watched as Lincoln took off, his heavy frame bouncing down the road and disappearing into the darkness as she lost sight of him.
She ran down the steps and waited, breathing heavy, as her heart pounded in her chest. The silence ate at her, destroying her nerves. She stared into the darkness beyond the halo of light, her nerves fraying at the edges.
And then Lincoln started howling; short, clipped baying howls of excitement that she couldn't determine. It sent her heart into her throat and she didn't know what to do.
She took a few hesitant steps forward, still listening to Lincoln's howls and then something came through the darkness, stepping into the light.
"Mom!"
And a sob ripped through her and she was running.
"Sophia!" And then Sophia was there, jogging up the dirt road, tired and disheveled but smiling as Lincoln bounced around her heels.
And then she launched herself into Carol's arms and they collided with each other and Carol fell to her knees, pulling Sophia so close.
"Oh baby," she muttered, running her hands along her back, the relief of her baby against her so profound she could scarcely breathe. The pounding of her heart fluttering hard against her own was the most glorious thing ever and if she died right then, it wouldn't even matter.
Because Sophia was safe.
"Mom, I'm okay," Sophia whispered into her ear, hugging her back. Carol couldn't stop the tears as they streamed down her face.
"Mom," she said again, pulling away gently. Carol didn't want to let go, but did so reluctantly. She ran her hands across Sophia arms, through her hair, across her face. She had thought her daughter dead, and now, she was here.
She had never seen anything more beautiful than this.
"Mom, you won't believe it," Sophia said, smiling wide, and looking behind her.
"Sweetie, how – how did you get back?" Sophia pulled on her shirt sleeve, and turned around.
And then she heard it, the most familiar sound to her, as familiar as Sophia's voice. As familiar as breathing.
"Him," Sophia said, and Carol took her hand and stood up, unsure. It felt like she couldn't breathe her heart was pounding was so fast. Her eyes sought out the sound, and she couldn't believe what she was hearing. It couldn't have been real.
It wasn't until he walked into the edge of the faint light, awkward and disheveled and exhausted, staring in irritated confusion between her and Sophia that she finally saw.
And then she fell to the ground, stunned.
"Mom?" She gripped Sophia's hand tight, because this couldn't be real. Daryl stood there, panting, clutching at his side, looking like the walking dead.
But it wasn't him that had her heart in her throat.
It was what he guided next to him.
"It can't be," she murmured.
It couldn't. In her world, these things didn't happen. In her life nothing good ever happened to her. God had been taking things away from her since the day she had let Ed into her life, since before. Why should He change that now that she had pushed Ed out of it?
"Mom?" Sophia asked once more, squeezing her hand back and Carol looked up into her eyes.
"Is it really…" she was unable to finish asking, but Sophia just nodded. And then Daryl was there, standing above her, and the look on his face was one of pure exhaustion and relief. And as much as she wanted to know how he had done it, she couldn't even think about it.
All she could see was him as she reached up, her hand shaking and her fingers gently touched his nose.
"Sky," she breathed. And she watched as Daryl didn't even need to hold the halter still hanging around his neck as he collapsed before her knees.
"Oh Sky," she cried out softly, as she reached out to rub his face gently, as he lay over her knees. And when her hands moved delicately over his cheek and his neck, her fingers twining in his tangled mane did he sigh wearily and close his eyes.
Her eyes welled up as she took in the sight of her beautiful boy, exhausted, battered and lying before her. She had never thought she would see him again.
She leaned over him, touching her forehead to his, closing her eyes and breathed deep, listening to each haggard breath that Sky took.
He was alive.
He was alive and he was here.
And then she pulled Sophia against her side, crushing her close and it didn't matter that she was crying or that she had just killed her husband, or that she would suffer eternity in hell for all of her sins.
Her daughter was alive.
Sky had come back to her.
Her life was her own.
And she only had one thing to thank for that.
She reached up and took hold of Daryl's hand hanging in the space between them, calloused and scarred in her own, so very different than anything she had ever known before but so much more important now than ever before. And even when he flinched, even when she felt him pull away, she didn't let go.
She didn't let go.
A/N: This had a better ending, yes?! I had Sky's return planned since the beginning and I have been dying for it to come about. I'm going to try for something different in the next chapter.
And, as forever and always, thank you so much for reading. I would be nothing without you all.