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Chapter 5 - Boxed in.

Jade's POV.

"Stay"

I cocked my head and gave Tori a look of utter disbelief. "Stay, are you kidding. Why in the hell should I?"

Tori lowered her head and only then, could I see that the previous look of disdain was now gone. The expression on her face now, was a guarded one; showing almost no emotion.

"Well for starters." Responded Tori in casual monotone "New York City, is still in the middle of a terrible cold snap. They say it's the coldest winter in 70 years. I heard on the radio yesterday, that has caused all the shelters to be filled to or above capacity. Secondly, my father in his work has seen a few places like that, you have to watch your possessions like a hawk, or they quickly vanish. Your only other option is a hotel and I can't imagine your money would hold out long."

I suddenly started to feel like I was slowly being boxed. "Well you seem to have everything covered. You know what; maybe I should just roll the dice and see if I get lucky."

For a moment the guarded expression on Tori's face waivered, but soon returned. ""You leave and you could very well die just trying to get to a homeless shelter, you're hurt and I don't think you could make it very far in this cold. It's just better of you stay here."

It's the way she says it, that's the most unnerving, as if it were plain fact. If I walk out that door, I'm going to die, period.

I suddenly thought of Tori's occasional taunts about me crawling back to beck. I hated them. "Why, you want me to fail. You keep taunting me about it."

Tori quickly turned her back, "I was wrong in the assumption I made tonight. For that I am sorry. But if it helps, I'll refrain from any more negative comments."

More than anything, I wanted to see the expression she decided to hide from me by turning, but I didn't want to push it. Her argument for me to stay was very logical and sound, but I knew there was more to it. More than likely it was the same thing that caused her to let me in here in the first place. My feeling of being boxed in, became more acute as I realized, mystery or not, her cold logic was sound.

Being with Beck I had been trapped, but I escaped that only to find myself trapped again. Looking at the door, this place felt less like a sanctuary and more like a cage. Not that any of it mattered, as Jade knew Tori would never forgive me anyway. Maybe she's doing this to me, to pay me back for my betrayal of her. Keep me here and slowly torture me with the cold silent treatment. Each day I'm reminded of what I did and each day I feel just a bit more worse about it.

I looked to the door again briefly before looking to Tori and her emotionless eyes and was suddenly filled with a feeling of dread. "Looks like I don't have a choice."

"You're making the right choice, Jade." Tori said with just the slightest hint of a what appeared to be smile. For once Tori's smile, did nothing to make me feel better. I found myself thinking about her old smile, the happy smile. I never thought I'd admit it, but I miss her old smile.

Suddenly I felt like I was about so suffocate, I needed to get out, even if for a short while. "Since when do I ever do that? I'm going to the movies, I'll be back later."

Tori began to say something but I simply ignored it and walked out of the apartment.

I found myself running out of the aparemnt and took the subway down the the nearest multiplex. I just needed to escape, into a movie any movie. Getting there I picked the next movie starting which was an unfunny Adam Sandler movie. But between the popcorn, soda and horrible movie, I managed to at least for 90 minutes forget my problems.

After the movies, I wanted to enjoy my freedom for a while longer and stopped off at a crowded neighborhood pub. Tonight the place was filled with young college student types, having a great time. There I sat in the corner and drank, while I watched young men and women, flirt and hook up. My look of disapproval must have been noticeable as several seemed to turn away from me. Or maybe I looked like I had the shit kicked out of me.

Fools, for they have no idea, whom they are trying to get in the sack with. Aint any of you seen Looking for Mr. Goodbar with Diane Keaton. If you haven't seen it, Diane Keaton plays a ordianary teacher who at night picks up guys for rough sex. She likes the thrill and danger part of it I guess. She does it until one of of the guys she takes home, rapes and kills her, the movie end's that's it. The sad part is it's based on a true story that took place in this very city.

I stayed there for another two hours until I couldn't stand it anymore. They were happy and I was anything but. Nothing left to do, I returned to my cage.

A while later I was lying in my bed, which in this case is Tori's semi-comfortable couch, thinking the 3 years since graduation.

After the graduation party, I had recanted my rape story and in the process, burned Tori. She had moved away less than two weeks later. I was with Beck and other than those times when he drank a bit much, we were fine. I did miss Tori of course, but tried to forget her.

We attended UCLA for a year. Robbie and Rex were there as well. The others were gone, Tori somewhere, Cat in Boston and Andre in Florida.

Robbie was around, but we didn't see him much and in that time, my phone calls to Andre and Cat got less frequent. Beck wanted to focus on our life together, without our friends. He can be very persuasive and charming.

But there were those times when he drank a lot, he would get short tempered and physical. He would hit me, if I displeased him. But like all the other time, he would apologize, act charming and I would forgive him.

About halfway through our 2nd, year Beck got a multi episode guest shot on a tv series that was being shot in New York. So he announced we were going stop going to UCLA and move to New York. I objected, but he quickly managed to convince me otherwise. He said we'd do better there in getting parts.

So we moved and Beck did well. He had his guest stint on that TV, show, got a few others and eventually a well-regarded play. Me however, I got a job at the hospital to help make ends meet and auditioned for parts. I also tried to sell some stories. All I managed to get, was a nonspeaking part in a Cat food commercial.

Beck, though he was doing well, seemed to drink more and as a result I got hit more. When he was sober, he was attentive, caring and thoughtful, a perfect boyfriend who put up with my crap. When drunk, he'd hit me over the most innocuous things. When he was like that if he wanted sex, he'd pin me down and fuck me, weather I wanted to or not. The next day, he'd say how much he loved me. Each time like the co-dependant puppydog I had become, I accepted his apology. It's amazing how a person can rationalize away the most horrible things.

Tori had long given up and gone but it was one of the doctors at the hospital that helped me. His name was Dr. Cortez and was originally from Mexico. I was in housekeeping and pretty much invisible to all the real hospital staff, with the exception of him. He was a psychiatrist whom, would encounter when I worked on cleaning the psych ward. He was affable and friendly and enjoyed talking to anyone who happened to be nearby. Most of my co-workers were afraid to speak to the doctors, but I wasn't. I didn't talk with him a lot, but we chatted on occasion.

I noticed on days where I had bruises he would be just a bit friendlier than at other times. He'd say a bad joke or tell me a story of one of his uncles who was a famous luchador back in the 60's and 70's. On those days he seemed to want to help lift my spirits, though he never made any references to my bruises.

One day Beck had really gotten drunk and gave me a nasty bruise on my arm, or perhaps he just saw the look of defeat in my eyes. Either way, Dr. Cortez saw it and said out of the blue. "Jade, you're a fine and very intelligent woman. I know what is happening and I cannot tell you what to do. But my one piece of advice to you, is to one day, when you're hurt, take a very very long look at the mirror, so you can see your bruises. Not just a minute, or even 5 minutes, a very long look. Then ask yourself one question. "Is this me?"

He then smiled and continued on his rounds.

I didn't think about that for a while, a long while. One night after a fight, where I had accused him of spending just a bit too much time with his female co-star, we had a horrible fight. He beat me senseless and left the apartment to go drinking. I knew he would return in a few hours, even drunker and thus more mean.

I went into the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror, as the bruise began to form on my face. I think i looked at myself or almost an hour, I didn't even intend to, but I stayed there and took a very long look at myself. What I saw was a woman who had been beaten and brutalized up by her boyfriend. I also knew that same woman would forgive him the next day and eventually get beaten again.

The words of Dr. Cortez rang into my mind and I finally asked myself. "Is this me!"

It wasn't me, not only wasn't it me, I utterly hated what I saw. Only then, did I realize just how much I had changed from the person I once was, how weak and pitiful I had become.

It was then I knew, I had to get out, get out of this horrible trap I had put myself in.

I had heard from Andre a while back that Tori lived in the city, but as long as I was with Beck, speaking to her would be pointless. Now she was my only hope. I had made quick call to Andre and begged him for her address. Perhaps he heard the desperation in my voice and gave it to me.

Once I had it, I packed everything I could in a few bags and set out on the coldest night of the year.

Now some weeks later, here I am safe from Beck, but as I stare at Tori's closed door, I wonder what exactly she wants. Does she want me here, as part of some manner of revenge. She looks angry enough somedays for me to believe that.

All I know is, that she does not want me to leave.