An Eye for an Eye Leaves Everybody Blind

by SASundance

Can there ever be a justification for choosing revenge over justice, especially when you work for a federal law enforcement agency? This is an AU Aliyah story and NB that this is not a TIVA story. Warning, contains a major character death - for more info on the identity please see author's note in chapter 1 Now Complete

20. Chapter 20: Tie a Yellow Ribbon

A/N: I'm sorry I haven't been around lately but I've been off line for almost a month with 'issues' related to multiple abortive attempts to download Windows Ten on my computer – which I don't want and didn't ask for – and which has been chewing up my limited internet allowance. Not sure that the problem is solved yet either. So this chapter isn't beta'ed, apologies in advance. There are three chapters to go after this one – one more and an epilogue that takes up two chapters. The epilogue is already written and I'm putting the finishing touches to the last chapter which follows this one as we speak. Oh and apologies in advance for the cliff hanger but the next chapter will be up much sooner than this one was.

An Eye for an Eye

Chapter 20 Tie a Yellow Ribbon

Jimmy Palmer: 15/16 August 2012. 1535 hours

I was still at the convent with Sister Rosita and the rest of the nuns. Been here ever since I got off the graveyard shift this morning. We'd all had a few hours of sleep after a late breakfast and felt much better for it – well I know I did. I wasn't so jittery anymore and that was definitely a good thing. Now I was rested I wasn't nearly as likely to put my foot in my mouth and I felt more like Dr Palmer, cool in a crisis and less like Jimmy the bumbling Autopsy Gremlin around these somewhat intimidating ladies. As we maintained our vigil, hoping or praying as the case may be for word that they'd found Dr Mallard and Abby, we were passing the time by playing cards.

I'd suggested it since there were rare occasions that we get a quiet night in the ER so we grab a few hands of poker to relieve the stresses of the job. Of course considering the company I was keeping, I suggested that that we play gin rummy, bridge or even canasta and was meet with expressions of surprise, disdain and pity.

"You don't know how to play poker?" Sister Mary Margaret asked, somewhat incredulously or perhaps that she was patronising me.

"Don't worry, we can teach you. It's easy!" Sister Agnes promised with a sly grin. These women were sharks and they smelt fresh blood! They thought I was a poker virgin um ah patsy.

Several hours later I was regretting my folly. I always thought I was a pretty reasonable poker player but these nuns were unrelenting and I was their poker patsy! So far I'd lost nine of the ten hands we played – luckily it was pretzels we were playing for and not bucks. It was my turn to deal when I received a text from Spence to switch on ZNN. Quickly I passed this on to the three woman who raced to call the others while Sister Rosita picked up the remote and switched on their television hopefully.

At first I was nonplussed about why Spencer Reid had directed my attention to a press conference that clearly had nothing to do with news about the hostages. Then I realised that it was taking place in Tel Aviv and it involved that rat bastard Eli David and he was lying through his teeth. So what else was new?

There he was crying crocodile tears about Michael and Samuel Rivkin going rogue and even about a grief-stricken Ziva trying to kill Tony. What a douche bag, he was such a hypocrite! And more importantly, what the hell…um heck was his game plan, anyway?

Why would he choose now to get on the television? I was so pissed ah peeved…sorry Sisters, by his duplicity so I totally ignored the tall, long haired surfer dude on the podium along with a bunch of dangerous looking Mossad types – clearly his lackeys.

"Dr Palmer," Sister Rosita called to get my attention.

"Yes Sister," I answered, even as my attention was centred on the monster who'd destroyed so many lives – even Ziva's. Surely if she had been reared by a more humane, a more human individual than her sperm donor, she'd never have decided that murdering her partner was the best way to deal with her feelings of grief, anger and betrayal. I had to believe that!

"Isn't that your friend, Anthony? The one that disappeared. Did you know he was in Israel?"

"Ah…I don't think so Sister. That man speaking has spent the last three plus years trying to hunt down Tony and kill him. Ziva's father is why he went on the lam. That bars… um that evil man sent a crazed assassin after him. There's no way Tony would go to Israel. That would be insane!" I explained, trying to stay dispassionate and failing miserably. Seeing and hearing evil incarnate dissembling to the world media pushed all my buttons and honestly, it was all I could do not to destroy the television in a upwelling of fury that shocked me.

"It looks an awful lot like him, Jimmy. Put your anger aside for a moment and look at him – really look at him and then tell me what you think." Sister Rosita counselled me earnestly. "Obviously I don't know him anywhere near as well as you do but this person could be his doppelganger," she begged me earnestly.

And honestly? How could I refuse a nun? Closing my eyes and clearing my mind of all the extraneous thoughts and emotions about the director, I tried hard to centre myself before focusing again on the screen, filtering out everyone but the blonde surfer. I thanked the hours of meditation and yoga for helping to clear away so much negative emotion. Yes he did look like my friend Tony, superficially, if you discounted the blonde hair. Was that an earring?

But DiNozzo had an irrepressibleness, Ducky had called it joi de vivre and Gibbs referred to it as unquenchable that this DiNozzo doppelganger didn't exude. The man I knew was incapable of remaining still and he had bearing that was definitely lacking in the man on the screen. I was confidently announcing to the Sisters that the world-weary individual on screen wasn't Tony when the Mossad director introduced the man to the press as former special agent Anthony DiNozzo.

Falling into a chair, I suddenly realised the meaning of gobsmacked. Sister Rosita looked at me in concern.

"Is everything alright, Dr Palmer?"

"No, not really. If that is Tony he looks…um broken. His strength has always been his resilience and optimism even when he is struggling but the man in Israel looks like he's at the end of his tether. If it really is Tony then it's our bad for not being there for him when he needed us but putting that aside for a moment, I'm not sure if he can come back from this."

"You think the Israelis may detain him? On what charge?"

"No, Yes. Maybe… I don't really know about that. I meant that Tony has always been so resilient. Like a cat with nine lives but I think he might have used up all his luck and that scary. He's been through so much."

I waved my hand in the air to try to express the enormity of what I was feeling and what he'd faced although honestly, I really had no idea what he must have been through, except it must be bad if he had dropped his masks. Sure I'd always know intellectually that the frat boy jock was just an act but still it was a darned convincing one and it managed to fool a bunch of people who were investigators – supposedly the best of the best.

Sister Rosita patted me on the shoulder. "I'm sure he must be soul weary after being on the run for so long. Constantly looking over his shoulder for a killer all the time would be enough to weaken the morale of even the strongest of individuals. It isn't surprising but we'll pray for him. I'm sure with God's guidance he'll find the courage to make his way back, Dr Palmer."

I smiled, even though I wasn't really sure I believed that her God was all that worried about one former 'Very Special Agent' because if he was, He'd plenty of opportunity to stop this travesty three years ago. Tony hadn't deserved any of this crap. Still I wasn't about to share my cynicism with a nun so I merely nodded and thanked her politely.

The mood was charged, euphoric about Tony but it was also muted since with every hour that Abby and Ducky were gone, statistically the less chance they had of making it out unharmed. After a couple more hands we ended up abandoning our card game and I tallied up the damages. I ended up giving IOUs for pretzels to Sisters Agnes and Rosita since I don't usually carry them around in my wallet as currency. Boy am I glad we weren't playing for cash cuz these nuns were card sharps and would have taken me to the cleaners!

One of the sisters, a quiet nun named Sister Teresa took pity on me and challenged me to a game of checkers. I suck at playing checkers or as the estimable Dr Mallard referred to them, draughts but it helped pass the time without constantly watching the clock. I briefly thought about chess but knew I'd never be able to concentrate long enough to strategize and well I'd been humiliated enough for one day.

When the nuns headed off for Vespers they invited me to join them but I'd begged off, saying I wanted to wait by the phone. So I offered to get the evening meal underway in their absence. The tension was becoming unbearable, the silence in the empty convent echoing and making me feel jumpy when my phone rang. As my hands were covered in grease from the chickens I'd been trimming off before stuffing them I had to race to the sink to wash my hands. Grabbing a dishtowel and hurriedly drying my hands, the phone stopped ringing just as I went to pick it up. It started ringing again immediately and my heart started pounding.

"Hallo, Dr Palmer."

"Jimmy? Omigod Jimmy! It's Abby. I'm ringing to let you know that we're safe and sound. That's a strange saying isn't it? But I guess sound in this context denotes whole, unharmed, fit, undamaged, hale and hearty. Although we are a little the worse for wear I guess, a bit frayed around the edges, a bit frazzled, a bit…"

"Abby." I stated, calmly and firmly interrupted the stream of extraneous words spilling out of her mouth, knowing that the forensic scientist could run off at the mouth on a good day. Under stress, I'm sure that she would use it as a coping mechanism and I needed to head her off at the pass if I wanted information. "Where are you now?"

"Oh. Well… Ducky and I are being driven by a pair of kind officers to the Hoover Building as we speak. The Fibbies want to grill us – makes us sound like a couple of juicy steaks and my Silver Fox and Timmy are down there waiting for us, too. I just wanted you to know that we are okay. I'll talk to you later, Jimmy. We're almost there."

The relief of knowing that they were safe was so overwhelming that the adrenaline surge left me feeling queasy and weak at the knees. I sank into a chair and realised that I forgot to ask Abby how they'd gotten free. Now doubt in the fullness of time all those details would emerge. The main thing was that today was a genuine red letter day. It had seen Tony surface after three years of hiding and Dr Mallard and Abby were now safe from the criminals who had kidnapped them.

Lucky though, since with Tony in Israel there was no way that he could have surrendered to the perps who had abducted Abby and Ducky although I've no doubt that he would have done it if he could have. He was going to feel guilty that he hadn't been here to save them, if I knew DiNozzo.

It was really quite a coincidence that Tony chose today to make a bargain with the devil. I might not have Gibbs' famous gut but even I could sense that there was something weird about the whole situation with Eli David. Perhaps Tony found out something about him and was holding it over his head.

An Eye for an Eye

Mike Kaderson looked at his friend dozing restlessly in the seat of the Elite Retrieval Services private jet. He looked exhausted and wan despite the tan which had been an integral part of his persona of Aussie surfer and ex-cop. Mike knew that there was a lot that needed to be said between them but for the moment recriminations and post mortems could and would wait. He was just glad to have successfully retrieved Dino from the clutches of the Israelis and that they were on their way back to the States.

Of course there had been no reason to think that the Israeli's might detain him after he'd helped them solve their annoying little problem called Eli David. For the whole plan to be successful they needed Tony to be seen returning to America and going about his business in full sight of everyone, now even more than before. Nevertheless, he felt much more relaxed when they were free of Israeli airspace.

They all knew that Tony was beating himself up. That the termination of the Mossad director was difficult enough for Tony to come to terms with despite the fact that he was vermin and in Mike's opinion there was only one option when dealing with vermin. Still, Dino was a cop at heart, just and moral; probably always would be that way too. Just as he was always going to be a soldier, even if he wasn't serving anymore - it didn't mean that he wouldn't see the world through a warrior's eye. While it was difficult enough for his friend to countenance the final solution Orli and her associates had chosen, the fact that Leon Vance had also paid the ultimate price had to have affected him deeply.

Mike could empathise but not really understand his feelings because as far as he was concerned both men were scum and had it coming. Karma really was a bitch and both had caused his friend so much pain. Mike saw it as simply taking out the trash. It was a necessary evil because if you didn't do it, then it stunk up the house, grew dangerous, even life threatening bacterium, moulds and fungi and attracted all sorts of undesirable vermin and parasites into your home too.

He was way more concerned with Dino and how he moved on from this mess, physically and emotionally, than two douchebags that deserved what they got in his humble opinion. And it looked as if their fears about losing their fifth member of ERS was well founded. After their reunion at Ben Gurion Airport where Orli and DiNozzo had met them, as they were getting ready for take-off he'd looked to Tony.

"Okay Dino, before you nod off – where to?"

Tony smiled but it was definitely one of his fake 'I'm fine' ones and not a terrible convincing approximation, either. "Need to go to DC," before closing his eyes and falling into a troubled sleep.

Mike looked at the other three members of the team as they all nodded knowingly. It was as they expected and no one could blame him for wanting to reclaim the life that he'd been forced to abandon more than three years before. He had ties and roots there. A whole other life just waiting for him to step back into. Jack had told them how overjoyed Dr Mallard had been to see Tony again when he'd patched up his 'graze.'

Mike knew that Tony had also missed the Goth chick, although she was way too ditzy and infantile for his taste but Tony had always adopted waifs, oddballs and strays at RIMA too. Dino would befriend them and protect them even when it came back to bite him on the bum. While Mike trusted his ability to suss people out professionally, when it came to people that he considered friends Dino was often blind as a bloody bat to any and all their faults.

He was going to miss having his friend around, but he wouldn't lose contact with him this time. Mike sighed, right now he was concerned about more prosaic matters such as Dino's mental wellbeing because he frankly looked like a piece of crap - physically and mentally exhausted. While he was dying to know what had gone down in Israel and how he ended up working with Orli and her faction, all that could wait.

He knew that in general Tony had difficulty sleeping because he was always looking over his shoulder, expecting a Mossad assassin to be poised to kill him and that was a terrible soporific. On the company jet though, with four ex Special Forces and probably more importantly, four friends to watch his back, he would usually be able to let his guard down and sleep soundly. While that seemed like an impossible ask today with so much on his mind, he was too exhausted not to, at the very least, nap most of the way home.

As Mike placed a call to the contact at the State Department Orli had provided who would coordinate their return to the US to inform him that they were flying into Ronald Reagan Airport in approximately eleven hours, he scrutinised Tony closely. Apart from the dark circles under his eyes and the slumped posture it was clear he'd lost weight too. Why hadn't he noticed it before? Sure he had been preoccupied with Jannali's illness - which reminded him he must call Molly and let her know they retrieved Dino and were on their way back. But he should have noticed that Tony wasn't eating.

He knew from experience it was an excellent barometer, a much more accurate indication of his condition than relying on his self-assessment which sucked. When Dino was ill, upset or stressed his appetite went walkabout. He should have noticed that his friend was drowning once again under this appalling curse of his where he felt like all the crappy stuff that happened to him or anyone else close to him, was his fault.

Charles Tellington – the 'suit' from the State Department assured him that he would smooth over their return since there was the anomaly of there being no record of Dino leaving the country and he'd organise for him to be put up in a hotel suite downtown. He informed Mike that they would need to meet with Tony and debrief him and they'd promised the Israeli government to hold a function to welcome him back to DC, publicising the agreement that had been reached with Eli David in Tel Aviv, thus promoting American/Israeli relations. In order to begin repairing some of the damage that Director David's vendetta had caused to their association, Tellington averred that it was critical to highlight Anthony DiNozzo's return and resumption of his old life again.

Mike, while not surprised that Tony was seen as a means to an end yet again by TPTB was pissed off nonetheless. "Listen Chuckles, if you want Tony to be your performing bloody poodle you're gonna have to give him some time and space to get his shit together. No press waiting to hound us when we fly in. He's beyond exhausted – mentally, physically and emotionally. Give him a couple of days to get his bearings and get over any jet lag. If you push him now he might just disappear on you again and that sounds like the last thing you want."

The State Department official sniffed huffily. "The name is Charles or Mr Tellington. I'll cancel the airport press conference if you feel it is absolutely necessary. We don't want journalists asking awkward questions about him being coerced by the Israelis – that would defeat our objectives. I will arrange for him to be check over by one of our doctors once you're settled."

"No need Chuck! Tony's got friends who are doctors and I'm sure when they know he's in town they'll be delighted to check him over. I think they'll insist on it and since DiNozzo hates doctors they're probably the only ones who have a hope in hell of making a proper examination. Just give us a suite where he can rest and feel safe and we'll take care of the rest."

I'll organise for security to fend off nosy journalists and Associate Director Elbaz warned that there may still be some rogue Mossad agents who haven't got the memo about the vendetta ending."

"No worries, mate. My team are all ex- Special Forces and good mates with DiNozzo. We'll be watching his six."

"Very well Mr Kaderson. I'll book extra rooms for four more?"

Thanks Chucky. Onya mate!"

Steve gave him a knowing smile when he ended the call. "Making friends with pencil pushers again, Croc?"

"You know me and wankers, Stevie. Can't seem to resist taking the piss."

His three employees grinned, having learnt that this was yet another use of the word piss since Aussies seemed to be so fond of using it in multiple situations and assigning it multiple meanings. In this circumstance it meant he was making fun of Tellington, and in a not so friendly fashion. According to Mike, Aussie blokes were simply economical with words – recycling one word as much as possible.

Jack smirked. "You've been around Tony too long, Mike."

Jono looked sad. "Guess that won't be a problem too much longer."

~o0o~

Mike stumbled out of bed feeling like crap. Obviously he was still affected by jet lag but also the stresses that he'd lived with these last few months. First his little princess' illness and then the thought that he'd lost Dino had added up to a lot of lost sleep. He supposed it was all just starting to catch up with him now that the pressure was off. He looked at his watch and figured he needed to get a move on. Molly would be here soon and he needed to head to the airport to pick her up.

Once they had learnt that they were heading back to DC with Tony, Mike had called his wife to let her know the plan. Molly suggested coming out to meet them and bring Jannali since she was dying to see her daddy and he was going to be stuck in the capital for at least a few more days. Plus as Molly pointed out sensibly, if Tony was feeling depressed as they suspected, Jannali would be a great panacea since he loved their little girl. So when they checked into the Presidential Suite at The Westin Georgetown, he'd booked out several more adjoining bedrooms for their stay.

He'd told Molly to get one of his operatives to accompany her on the trip, since she was going to be travelling with Jannali and he didn't want her travelling alone. They were still nervous after almost losing their little princess.

Molly had laughed and said, "There's going to be a bun fight over who gets to go with me. Everyone's curious and then there are all your female operatives.

Mike rolled his eyes, replying, "Pick someone who isn't tracking down a scumbag bail jumper. I do still have a business to run, Mo."

Molly had emailed that it was a tossup between JJ and Ruby but Ruby won out in the end because of all the overtime she'd clocked up. She was off for the next 72 hours anyway and jumped at the chance to help. Mike was pleased – she and Tony were great mates and Jannali loved her too.

As he entered the living room, Mike grinned at Steve who was stumbling out of the room he was sharing with Dino, making a bee line for the kitchenette and the coffee that was inevitably brewing. Jack and Jono were playing pool since the Presidential Suite came equipped with a pool table and pool was a good way for them to pass the time without disturbing Tony who was asleep.

It had been Jack who'd suggested that until they had a better handle on his mental state, it would be a good idea to keep an eye on him. He avoided using the term suicide watch but they were all still nervous about his depressed state and what he'd intended to do so they readily agreed to keep a close eye on him, taking shifts of six hours with two on two off. Mike and Steve had stood the first watch and though they all could do with more sleep they would catch up later.

When Tony finally surfaced at 1030 he'd had almost 22 hours sleep since they left Israel and he looked a lot more rested, although his demeanour was reserved, almost shy. Jack had already cautioned them to go easy on the ass kicking for now. At least until they could get a read on his mental status.

When he flopped down on the sofa and wrapped his hands around the mug of hot tea that Jono had made for him gratefully, since the coffee had been brewing so long it was almost undrinkable, he grinned nervously.

"So um… I'm sorry for taking off on you guys. I just couldn't let it go on any longer. I couldn't handle it if anything happened to you. As it was, Abby and Ducky paid the price for being my friends. But for you guys they would have died. Did I say thank-you for saving them, by the way?"

"Only about 50 times Dino and you're welcome, again. But seriously, what were you thinking? Did you intend to bump the crazy bugger off?" Mike enquired, ignoring the incredulous look Jack was shooting at him.

"No. It wouldn't have ended the vendetta, Mike. Eli has a niece and a brother and an Aunt who would have more than likely just carried it on if I'd killed him, not to mention all his fanatical followers. Besides, I've killed in self-defence or to save someone else's life but I've never taken a life in cold blood and I wasn't about to start with Eli David."

Steve frowned. "So you were going to offer yourself up on a plate to him so he could kill you?"

"I couldn't see any other way for it to be resolved, Steve. Not without more people having their lives torn apart, or even worse, ending up dead. He was never going to give up. Revenge is like a cancer – the more you feed it the bigger it becomes until it invades the body, taking it over. Abducting Ducky and Abby just because he knew I cared about them – he was only going to get more dangerous."

Jack moved over and sat beside him on the couch. "Tony - and how weird is that to call you by your real name? It wasn't your responsibility to resolve the mess by sacrificing your life. You weren't to blame for the insanity of the David family which was clearly hereditary. You did nothing wrong."

"But I did, Jack. I killed Ziva's boyfriend. If I hadn't done that none of this would have happened."

Mike scowled. "Dino, if that prick hadn't resisted arrest, hadn't killed a federal agent, hadn't killed a bunch of terrorists, hadn't spied on that intelligence meeting or if he'd left the country when he was ordered to, none of this would have happened."

"But I went without back-up. I didn't follow procedure. So it's my fault."

"That's bullshit Gus, er Tony. Even if there was two of you that night, do you believe that Rivkin wouldn't have resisted arrest?" Jono probed insistently.

"Ah no. Probably not."

"So did you go without backup because you intended to kill Rivkin?"

"Of course not."

"So you weren't jealous and wanted to get rid of him to sleep with your partner?"

"I didn't even know he was there. I went to talk to Ziva about why the laptop of a dead terrorist showed it had been connected to the internet from her apartment."

Mike took over. "You were just trying to look out for a partner. We all would have done what you did, Dino. That doesn't make it your fault that a mad bastard tried to resist arrest. You were a Fed and you were doing your job. S'not like you could ignore the evidence that he killed a federal agent and those others even if they were terrorists. You were a federal agent sworn to uphold the law. You did nothing to deserve any of this crap. You did your damned job, you silly bugger. It was not your FAULT."

But I destroyed lives, guys. McGee had his sights on the Big Chair and Gibbs resigned to chase Rivkin. Jimmy left because I destroyed the team and Abby and Ducky nearly died because Eli wanted to me to pay. Jimmy nearly died because they tried to stop Rivkin in Indiana and Ziva is dead because I killed her. Just because I didn't follow procedure. It sure as hell feels like it is my fault."

And that was at the crux of the matter, Mile realised. Tony had never had time to reconcile himself to the fact he'd been forced to kill someone he thought of as a partner; he'd been too busy surviving for all this time. He'd never mourned her death or had a chance to get pissed at her for trying to kill him. He was too busy hiding and it wasn't til Jack and Swampy were brought into the secret about who he was after the Cemetery fiasco that he'd been able to let his guard down a bit and then he started thinking too much. Mike figured that seeing the people from his old life and then talking with the eccentric medical examiner had to have stirred up a heap of crap as well.

Steve shook his head. "Blame the people who deserve it Dino. Rivkin broke the law, you tried to uphold it. Your superiors tried to sweep it under the rug, tried to appease that psychopathic David by throwing you under the bus. You got tortured by Eli, attacked by his daughter in Israel and then she tried to kill you when you got back. Eli unleashes an assassin on your ass – and hires a bunch of mercenaries to abduct your colleagues. The Rivkins, the Davids, the idiots at NCIS – they're all responsible for their actions and believe me they were all far more serious, more heinous than your well intentioned lapse of judgement in trying to save Ziva's ass.

"Your life matters just as much as Jimmy's, McGee's, Gibbs, Abby's or Ducky's. Think of all the people you helped these last few years and the cases you solved, not to mention all the dirt bags you helped ERS capture. We love you, you idiot."

Mike was pretty sure that while Dino was touched by their support, with his depression/ mental exhaustion/ nervous strain after living so long expecting to be killed by a Mossad assassin, a few kind words weren't going to be enough to fix his issues. But at least it was a start and he was alive and back home.

~o0o~

The next couple of days Tony spent most of the time sleeping or having food thrust upon him by his faithful team, ably abetted by Molly Kaderson and Ruby James. She was one of the retrieval agents that he worked with at the LA office and they'd always sort of clicked, since she was a former cop too. Now that she knew the truth about his identity too it was a relief to be able to stop the lies and just be himself. He was relieved that she didn't hate him for the deceit he'd been forced to practise and he finally felt he could relax with his team and that they had his back. Plus Jannali made him laugh and if he got overly emotional when he cuddled the little girl then no one seemed to notice, or if they did they didn't say anything.

It made him more certain than ever that his decision to go back to LA with Mike and the guys was the right one. He remembered how surprised they were when he talked about going to back home with them. Turns out that they thought he would go back to DC and after more than three years, just pick up his old life and job again. So he explained that the reason he'd wanted to come back to DC was to check on Ducky and Abby and to say goodbye properly this time to the people he'd left notes to. Tony tried to clarify why he felt that he had no future here anymore. How the last couple of years before he left had been anything but happy ones and he felt at home with the team and his old RIMA schoolmates.

They were all excited at the prospect of him coming back with them, not because he had to but because he wanted to be with them. Molly and Ruby had hugged and kissed him and promptly started plotting to find him a suitable woman to settle down with and he rolled his eyes. As commitment phobic as he'd become after Wendy and then Jeanne, he was way too messed up these days to ever think of starting a relationship with even a pet rock. He'd settle for being able to live without being responsible for anyone else being hurt because of him and helping people who were powerless and disenfranchised.

When Charles Tellington turned up with his plans for a dinner to publicise that the détente supposedly negotiated between himself and Eli David was real, he groaned. He knew it was part and parcel of the price that must be paid for getting his life back again. Didn't mean he had to like it though! It also occurred to him that it seemed like the State Department didn't know about Eli David or at least Chuckles as Mike had dubbed him, hadn't been read in. Considering he was an idiot, Tony was grateful Tellington didn't know the truth. Seriously, the less people who knew the better.

Apart from being coddled by his friends, Mile had organised with Jimmy to come and check him over and while he huffed and insisted he was fine, Tony was glad to see his friend again. Jimmy examined him and insisted on going vampire on him and making him pee in a jar, despite all of his protestations.

"Tony, just shut up and give me your arm so I can draw blood. I'd bet the farm that you haven't received had a proper medical examination since you left DC, so let me do my job." Whoa, Black Lung had grown up and become a doctor in his absence!

Tony shrugged sheepishly, too exhausted to argue, especially since the only time he saw a doctor, apart from Ducky in Indianapolis earlier in the year was a few questionable medicos who'd patched him up when he was injured.

At the end of a thorough exam Jimmy regarded him searchingly. "Man I can't believe it's you Tony. You look so different, man." Grinning his awkward Gremlin grin he gave him an awkward manly hug. "It's so good to see you. After Indianapolis I didn't really expect to, either."

Tony scowled at Palmer. "If I could find the energy, Black Lung I'd kick your ass for pulling that crap and going to the cemetery. You're not an agent, Jimmy. You're not even a damned autopsy gremlin anymore. When I found out you'd been shot I wanted to come back and kick your butt."

"You heard about that huh?"

"Yeah, you could say that." Tony quipped sourly, remembering how he felt when Jimmy dropped like a stone when Rivkin fired on him.

"Well it seemed like a good idea at the time. Gotta say I'm in no hurry to repeat it though. Okay let's talk about you. I'm going to drop these in to the pathology lab at the hospital when I leave here and we'll see what they show. Based on my examination though, I'd say that you are physically and mentally exhausted and now that the pressure is off, you're crashing."

"So that's why I feel like I've been run over by a steamroller." Tony joked although it was clear to everyone that it was a struggle.

"Just take it easy. Let your protection detail baby you. Mike said you have to put in an appearance at a dinner organised by the State Department so they can kiss David's ass – the bastard! So just bum around here Tony and make sure you get regular nourishing meals and plenty of sleep. For once in your life listen to what your body's trying to tell you."

Tony pulled a face but reply dutifully. "Yes Doctor. So Jimbo, I need a couple of favours. I guess you'll be getting an invite to this dumb dinner but I was wondering if I can get you to book out the private back room at Café Florentine…it is still operating isn't it?"

"Yeah I think so. Last time I was there was 'bout six months ago with Abby. I can do that, Tony. When do you want to do this?"

Tony looked at his team. "Preferably after the Praise Eli dinner, Jimmy. And spread the word with the gang that they're all invited if they want to come."

"Are you kidding Tony? Of course they'll want to. Why would you think that anyone wouldn't come? Say the word and they'll be banging down your hotel door to see you, doofus!"

"Why wouldn't they want to see me? Because I ruined everyone's life. You resigned from NCIS, McGee went to work for the CIA and lost his chance at the directorship and Gibbs? Gibbs threw away his job to chase me down after I killed Ziva."

"Tony you didn't ruin everyone's life. Blame the ones who are really responsible- and trust me – there plenty of blame and anger to go round. Denounce Ziva's father and Jen Shepard for foisting Ziva onto us in the first place or Ziva for spying on us and deliberately impeding several federal investigations. Or for lying to us and concealment of Michael Rivkin committing murder in LA and DC, plus her failure as his handler to extract him in a timely manner and her putting your safety at risk because she was screwing him. Kind of vindicates Gibbs' Rule 12 huh?" He observed wryly.

"Find fault with Rivkin for being an arrogant prick and an alcoholic and not leaving the country when he was ordered to. He was given plenty of opportunities to leave and he refused to take them. You gave him more opportunities when you tried to arrest him – he would have probably only been deported if he'd just surrendered himself." Jimmy reasoned sturdily.

"Don't you dare blame yourself for his death or Ziva's either. I read your report. You were simply defending your life and we both know if he could have killed you, he would have without compunction. You gave him repeated chances to stand down before you fired – he made a choice. As far as I'm concerned he committed death by cop. You had no choice! And when we're prescribing blame, let's not forget about Leon Vance."

If Jimmy noticed the pain that crossed his face that he couldn't mask, Tony prayed that he thought it was betrayal since Vance's death still hadn't been announced, so he wasn't supposed to know about it.

"If the ex-director hadn't been so eager to let Eli David screw the whole agency, if he hadn't dragged your ass to Tel Aviv to appease that bastard, if Gibbs hadn't let him, you wouldn't have had to defend yourself when he started torturing you. Then Ziva wouldn't have been forced to confront what a psychopathic asshole she had for a father instead of continuing to live in denial. Although, when he ordered her to kill her half- brother that should have been a big clue, you'd think. If she hadn't broken into your apartment and tried to kill you in your bed, she wouldn't have died. None of that was your fault."

Mike and his team applauded Jimmy's monologue wholeheartedly. "Thanks for putting him straight Dr Gremlin," Mike quipped.

"Yeah we've been trying to tell him the same thing." Steve explained seriously.

Jimmy looked at the four well-built men who were obviously ex-military. "Um…you aren't just Tony's protection detail, are you?"

Tony had explained the ERS team's presence as them watching his back until Eli David made sure any of Rivkin's former colleagues weren't going to come after him, which wasn't a lie. Just not the full truth either.

"They're my bodyguards, Gremlin but they are also friends of mine. The guys are all RIMA old boys. I was at school with Mike, Steve and Mike's little brother Gus. They're also ex- Special Forces. Mike was SAS, Stevie was a SEAL and the two Js over there were Deltas so they're extremely well equipped to have my back. Ruby is an ex-cop and Molly's the scariest dude of them all. She's a mother." Tony joked, even if he was half serious. "BTW Jimmy, that is classified about the guys and me but since you are my doc I know you won't be revealing that info to anyone."

"You know I won't Tony, even if my Hippocratic Oath didn't forbid me revealing information about you to other people. And I think it's a great idea to have a welcome home party. You do know Abby's gonna want to organise it?" The young doctor asked excitedly.

"By the way, you're welcome to my second bedroom until you get settled back in again. You can stay with me as long as you need to and I've taken good care of your car, man."

Tony sighed. It was going to be difficult breaking the news that he wasn't staying in DC, especially to Jimmy and Abby. "No Jimmy, the car is yours, I gave it to you and the dinner at Cafe Florentine - it's a goodbye party not a homecoming, although I'd appreciate if you keep that under your hat too til I get a chance to tell people myself."

"No… I won't say anything but why Tony? We've all missed you so much and everyone wants you to come home."

"Look it's complicated, Jim. I don't trust people anymore. Directors have screwed me over for their personal agendas, a partner that I worked with for four years committed espionage and she tried to get me thrown off the team. Then there's the fact that my last two years on the team was pretty much a nightmare with very few happy memories. La Grenouille, breaking Jeanne's heart, breaking my heart, getting accused of murder again – twice, Jenny's death, Paula's death, the agent afloat shit, Domino and Remy Grant. And that's not even getting into the whole Rivkin crap or Ziva attacking me in Tel Aviv." Tony was silent as he struggled to get his emotions under control.

"I can't go back to working as a Fed Jimmy, if I don't trust the people who are supposed to have my back."

"Okay, I totally get that, but that doesn't mean you can't come back and find something else to do. Look at me – I changed direction and for your information it had nothing to do with you. Get that out of your head. It was when I realised that Ziva was driven by revenge when she tried to kill you. I'd honestly believed that people who worked in Law Enforcement wouldn't stoop to killing for revenge – that they believed in justice and due process, like I do.

"After all, Rivkin was a killer by trade. He was the last person who deserved to have his death avenged. He basically signed his own death certificate. What about Agent Sherman's family. Somehow the fact that he was killed accidentally by an assassin strikes me as even worse than if it was a premeditated hit. Rivkin was out of control and dangerous. That's why I left - because I was disillusioned by the fact that people seemed to excuse Ziva's actions because she was grieving for a killer."

Tony groaned. "I told you it was complicated, Grem. Yes I guess I could get a job in DC but it's all so convoluted. One of the reasons I've decided not to come back is because I'm fed up with hurting people that are important to me. I want a fresh start away from being reminded continually of what I've done. And there's the major issue that me being back here is only going to cause unnecessary pain to Gibbs cuz I'll be a constant reminder that I killed his surrogate daughter."

"I told you that it's not your fault that Ziva's dead. Gibbs doesn't blame you, he spent every minute of the last three years looking for you." Jimmy insisted strenuously.

"Perhaps not, Gremlin but he does blame himself for not choosing Ziva when she gave him an ultimatum between having her or me on the team. If I was here I'd be a constant reminder that he made the wrong choice. If she hadn't backed him into a corner he'd had chosen to keep her on the team and she'd still be alive today. I can't live here knowing that I'm a constant reminder that she's dead because of me. It will eat him up and I refuse to do that to him."

"I really doubt that he's destroying himself with guilt about choosing you instead of Ziva, Tony. Where'd you get a dumb idea like that?"

"When he and Fornell were in my hospital room talking, the night I killed Ziva. They thought I was still sleeping off the effects of the anaesthetic. She was like Gibbs' daughter and the bottom line is I shot and killed her. Losing his wife and daughter almost destroyed him and he coped by totally burying that part of his life. He can't do that if Ziva's killer is living in his backyard – a constant reminder that he picked the wrong person. It's best all round if I go back to LA with the guys."

An Eye for an Eye

Mike watched Tony slip on a professional mask like he donned one of the insanely expensive suits that Jimmy had kept for him from three years before, when he cleared out his apartment. Molly had brought a suit for him when she flew out and they'd ended up hiring something appropriate for the other guys to wear tonight. At first they'd decided that because it was important to keep Tony's association with then on the low down that Jack would be Tony's backup tonight and Ruby could be his date. There was too greater risk in Jon, Steve or himself running into FBI Special Agent Fornell or his team tonight and him putting information together about the shootout at the cemetery and why they were guarding Tony.

That was before Fornell rocked up to the hotel to see Tony and didn't seem all that surprised to see them, either. Turned out that the State Department had ordered him not to dig further into the cemetery shootout or the abduction of Drs Sciuto and Mallard, intimating that they didn't want to jeopardise the fragile relationship with Israel. Fornell was pissed but Mike decided that the Fed thought that ERS had been on either the Israelis or State Department's dime all along because of their Spec Ops background. Even if he did discover the truth, he was under orders to keep his mouth shut. That being the case, they decided they would all attend as Dino's protection detail.

Tony was clearly reluctant to front up and play nice even though he knew it was important for him to keep up the façade. If anyone ever discovered the truth about Eli David, then the madness could conceivably start all over again. Mike and the guys weren't about to let that happen. He deserved to be able to resume his life without having to look over his shoulder constantly, paranoid about every stranger he encountered.

Mike knew just how weary he was still. Jimmy had diagnosed extreme mental and physical exhaustion – his blood tests revealing anaemia and adrenal fatigue. They hadn't discussed their concerns about Tony's depression with the doctor or the fact they were worried that he'd been ready to sacrifice himself because it would reveal data that had to stay confidential.

They'd debated long and hard about bringing Jimmy on board but with their confidentiality clauses and the penalties for breaking them more than likely being a dirt nap they'd agreed to handle it internally. Tony had agreed to move in temporarily with the Kadersons upon his return after Molly got on his case. Jack thought being around his goddaughter was going to be healing. Steve reckoned that it would either heal his troubled soul or send him round the twist, being subject to The Wiggles, Dorothea the Dinosaur, Captain Feather Sword, Wags the Dog, Henry the Octopus and the Bananas in Pyjamas 24/7. Jono ribbed Steve, demanding to know how he was able to reel off the entire cast of an Aussie children's DVD before the former SEAL swiftly silenced him by shoving his head into the couch and sitting on him.

So all they had to do was get through this stupid function and then the dinner tomorrow evening and it was back home. He watched Tony flash his trademark grin as he made nice with the Israeli Ambassador and his minions from the embassy. It was quite disconcerting how easily his friend slipped into a role, especially considering he'd been dragging his arse around since they got back but tonight you'd never know he was at the end of his tether. Adrenal fatigue was indicative that he'd been living on his nerves for way too long.

Once they got back to LA the team was going to baby the crap out of him. Tony had often mentioned how much he missed his piano and even though he had his guitar, music was a good way for him to relief stress. Particularly since he wasn't good at talking about the things that bothered him. Maybe they should all take a few weeks off and go away somewhere sunny and warm together and bum around on the beach.

He decided it was something to seriously think about as he watched Tony and his former boss Jethro Gibb performing an intricate waltz around each other. Tony was convinced that his mere presence was causing the ex-Marine untold grief and mental anguish. He kept trying to avoid him after the initial handshake at the beginning of the night, with his trusty family standing round supporting him. To Mike, it looked as if Gibbs had something pretty major on his mind and while he looked haunted he wasn't sure that it was because he was a grief stricken father. He kept stalking Tony and Mike had the feeling the guy had something pretty major he needed to get off his chest. Obviously he wanted to get Tony on his own.

Which made Mike wonder how fair dinkum the former gunny was about talking to him since blind Freddy could see how skittish Tony was behaving. See how Dino was deliberately working the crowd, using them to avoid being around Gibbs and he was supposed to have been his supervisor for eight years. Even more importantly, every bloody man and his dog wanted a piece of Dino tonight and the chances of running into him on his own was Buckley's and none.

Mike wanted to tear strips off the bastard for letting Director Vance drag him off to Israel but knew he had to be careful since Gibbs knew some of what had gone on with Vance and Director David. It wouldn't take that much for him to start digging into stuff he shouldn't so Mike restrained himself and instead content himself with having a quiet word in Dr Mallard's ear to see if he could talk sense into the idiot. Tony was under enough stress.

When word got out that Tony was back in DC his friends, former colleagues and team mates wanted to drop by and see Dino who'd had shrunk into himself whenever the subject came up. In his lethargy he shrank from the prospect of dealing with people and as much as he wanted to see his team he couldn't seem to summon the energy to get himself together. Having met Abby Sciuto previously, Mike agreed that the woman's exuberance would be too much for Tony at the moment. At least meeting in public would limit the amount of interrogating him that would be possible and by getting the group together he only had to spill his guts once. The exception was the old medical examiner.

Tony figured that since he'd already seen him earlier in the year and knew some of the story and how he couldn't tell him certain things, he wouldn't hassle him, trying to extract info he couldn't reveal. So Jimmy had bought Ducky with him when he returned to give Tony the results of his blood tests and drop off a bunch of supplements and vitamins. Afterwards he left Ducky to spend time with Tony and went off to do some shopping for healthy food to fill up the fridge with snacks like vegetables and humus, iron rich foods like apricots and wheat germ plus fruits rich in vitamin C that he informed them aided in iron absorption. He recommended Tony eat oysters, clams, salmon, tuna, beef, eggs and fruit smoothies made with fruits rich in Vitamin C. Molly and Ruby had taken notes and nodded intelligently as he talked.

After Ducky had gone home, Tony had seemed more cheerful, perhaps because he'd pre-empted Dino's announcement that he wasn't going to stay in DC. The ME was totally supportive of his need to start over – especially when he revealed that he was going to be working with the team from ERS. Having Ducky's tacit permission not to come back and to do what was best for himself for a change had definitely lifted his spirits, as did the eccentric doc's assurance that he would come out for visits since he would soon be retired. After their visit he'd settled down and even watch a few episodes of Magnum before dropping off to sleep again.

Catching Dr Mallard eye, Mike had a quick word with him and wasn't surprised he'd noticed the complex dance being performed by Dino and Gibbs too. Mike vetoed putting any more pressure on Tony because he was too stressed and hoped that Ducky would accept his opinion. The doctor agreed to have a word with his old friend and Mike hoped that it would work. He knew that Gibbs needed to talk to Tony but if he wanted to talk to him he'd have to settle for doing in in public – at least to break the ice.

He looked across the room and noticed Special Agent Fornell watching on intently. He hoped the Fed kept his nose out of it – he and Gibbs had a partial knowledge of the situation and Ducky and Abby as well. Hopefully, after they left DC everyone's curiosity would die down as they got back to their own lives. He was also pleased that Ruby had gone as Tony's date since she was able to deflect the attention of that young agent of Fornell's who was watching Dino with a look he was accustomed to seeing on some of his female staff. He doubted that he was aware of it but Tony gave off an air of wounded vulnerability that had plenty of women wanting to hug him and make it better – even Molly.

Mike felt his phone vibrate and he pulled it from his pocket. His heart was in his mouth when he saw he'd received a text message from his sister Amelia. It was brief. Call ASAP! God he hated messages like that – living halfway across the globe. He prayed it wasn't his mum and dad. It was more than a day to get to Australia!

An Eye for An Eye

Tony settled into the leather seat of the company jet as they made their way back to LA and jiggled Jannali on his knee. He'd taken her from Molly when she needed to go to the head because Mike was too revved up. Every time he held his daughter she picked up on his anxiety and stress and started screaming. He grinned at his god daughter as she chuckled, loving being bounced around and started babbling at him. Some words could be made out but not used to deciphering toddler talk, most of it was incomprehensible to him although he was certain that Mike and Molly would declare that they could understand every word their little princess uttered.

As he listened to the childish exclamations he started laughing as he realised the parallels to the drama that was unfolding. To think that their world had been thrown into total turmoil by that annoying K- Pop song Gangnam Style which had gone viral thanks to YouTube. Like Jannali, most of the irritating lyrics sung by the South Korean pop star Psy were incomprehensible - at least to anyone not familiar with Korean. It may be that if he spoke Korean he might find the song lyrics incredibly poignant, evocative or insightful. Hey maybe Jannali was babbling away in Korean too?

Still, it was aggravating since the melody was so catchy it got inside your head and wouldn't get out. Plus the whole world seemed to have adopted it– everyone was playing it or doing the inane horse dance moves to the music. Moves which surely rivalled the chicken dance or the Macarena in abject foolishness.

Still for all its silliness, Gangnam Style might just become his and the Kaderson family's all-time favourite song since it looked as if it was going to reunite them with August. When Mike received that text from his baby sister, Amelia Reeves nee Kaderson at the dinner last night to say that she had another lead on their brother Gus, he'd been pretty cautious about getting his hopes up. There'd been so many false leads over the years since he'd gone missing working undercover on a joint investigation into drug cartels with the Australian Federal Police and several other Asian police forces. Of course every one of them needed to be to be fully vetted as did this latest one – to a heartbroken, grieving family there could be no other option. No stone could be left unturned.

Steve strolled up and dropped down opposite him and poked his index finger into Jannali's belly to hear her giggle. "Hallo gorgeous girl."

"It's great to see her looking so well, isn't it?" Tony commented gratefully as he cuddled his god daughter.

"Absolutely – it was too damned close for comfort." Steve declared as he gently tickled her dimpled baby knees." Changing the subject, he asked. "Do you think it's a credible lead?"

"Looks positive, Stevie."

"I dunno Dino. It just seems too much like an outlandish plot from a B grade soap opera."

"Granted but if as we've always suspected, Gus pissed off the wrong people or knew something that was dangerous for someone important, then it was a pretty clever way of dealing with an enemy. After all, it was a total fluke that we found him, if it is Gus."

"I guess but we've had good leads before that didn't pan out."

Not like this Steve. Not since' I've been on board. This is pretty solid. How good is your tame hacker?"

"He's considered one of the best, a bad ass black hat hacker."

"Black hat? Why should we trust him?" Tony wanted to know since black hats hacked purely for personal gain or to be malicious.

"Because I saved his life – pulled his ass out of a burning car just before it blew. He owes me."

"Okay… well the prisoner records he pulled up, that prisoner looks a hell of a lot like Gus."

"At least like his photos. He's obviously changed since we were at RIMA." Steve cautioned.

Tony nodded in agreement. "True but Mike and Amelia seem pretty certain it's him."

"But to fake his identity and frame him for murder – that seems pretty damned complicated. Why go to all that trouble – why not a bullet"

"Not necessarily, especially if the person he got on the wrong side of was squeamish. It neutralises Gus pretty damned effectively without them having to murder him. The death of a cop is always a big deal." Tony pointed out evenly.

"I don't know anything much about the prison system in the Philippines but if it's anything like what goes down in certain South American countries that are poverty stricken and where corruption is endemic in the justice system, then it wouldn't be that hard to pull off. Money talks and greed breeds dirty cops. Hell you don't have to live in a third world country to run into dirty cops." He finished rather bitterly, thinking about his old partner Danny Price. He didn't even have the excuse that he was dirt poor – just that he wasn't filthy rich anymore and resented it.

"But if it's really Gus, why wouldn't he tell someone? What about the Australian Embassy, why didn't they discover the switch?"

"What make you think anyone would have notified them. If Robert Craig is Gus and you set him up as a murderer in a maximum security jail, would you notify the Aussie Embassy and just hope Gus doesn't say anything or no one believes him? For all we know, they were never contacted about Robert Craig."

Steve looked doubtful. "No I guess not."

"Mind you, the odds of Amelia seeing that YouTube video of the prisoners performing to Gangnam Style had to be astronomical," Tony observed as he looked over at Mike watching the video for the umpteenth time since they boarded the plane. He was obsessed with it.

Apparently the prisoner inmates of Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Centre were quite famous for their massed choreographed exercise routines set to music. The most famous routine being Michael Jackson's Thriller performed and uploaded to You Tube in 2007 and since the program started, the videos posted included an eclectic mix of music and artists including Queen, Pink Floyd, Black Eyed Peas, Grease the musical, Bonnie Tyler, The Village People, Gregorian Chants, Aishwarya Rai, The Knack, MC Hammer and songs from Sister Act among others. And of course now also included K-Pop's Gangnam Style.

Tony had to admit that 900 odd, orange-clad inmates doing a massed exercise routine to music was incredible – nearly as incredible as were the fact that Gus' sister recognised him on a YouTube video. It appeared that the man they believed was Gus had not only been framed as a vicious killer, but they'd created a whole new identity for the undercover cop. According to prison records the inmate was a scum bag called Robert Craig from Broken Hill, Australia but had been living in Cebu Province for seven years prior to incarceration. The odds of him being recognised had shortened because of two factors - that he just happened to be at the front of one of the lines of 900 inmates for the song and that Gangnam Style had been such a world-wide hit. If it really was Gus then it would be nothing short of a miracle.

As Molly came back from the bathroom and slipped into the seat beside Tony she smiled at her daughter, laughing and babbling at Steve and Tony who'd been jiggling the little girl to keep her distracted.

"Thank-you Tony."

"Your welcome, Molly. She's been fine but I think she might be getting tired, though."

"Probably but I'll try to keep her up til we land since we're only 40 minutes out from Burbank." She looked over at Mike who was wound tight as a drum. "Do you really think we've found him this time?" She asked hopefully.

Steve shrugged. "Maybe."

"Tony? What do you think?"

"I think it might be. I hope so. The dates match up – Craig is incarcerated within weeks of Gus disappearing. It's the best lead since I've been at ERS."

"It'll kill him if it's another dead end." She said worriedly as she stared at her husband.

The two men nodded in agreement. She looked appraisingly at Tony. "How are you doing? No regrets?"

"No Molly, no regrets."

"But your friends. You didn't get a chance to spend time with them." She objected.

"I know but family comes first, especially in a crisis. The team dropped everything and came running when I needed them. Ducky and Abby owe them their lives. There's no way I could or would let Mike go looking for Gus without me."

"But you wanted to have a chance to say a proper goodbye to them, Dino." Steve observed.

"Yeah but I still saw them all last night." He countered. "And I can always go back later on or invite them to visit me in LA. Finding Gus takes precedent. After all, I was him for almost three years, so I sure as hell owe it to him to help find him. Without him…without you guys I really don't think I'd be here today."

An Eye for an Eye

Gibbs left the restaurant reeling. They were supposed to be have a team get together tonight at Café Florentine to celebrate DiNozzo's return to DC but then Ducky called him up this morning, summoning them all to the restaurant for lunch instead. He said he had to tell them something important but refusing to divulge it over the phone, even when Gibbs got ultra-snarky. Unfortunately, Ducky had long become impervious to Gibbs' infamous psych outs and the ME had even hung up on him. So he'd turned up not knowing what to expect and he really didn't like that. He certainly never expected to be told that DiNozzo had left DC, called away on family business (what family- he had none) earlier this morning. Perhaps even more shocking, Ducky revealed that Tony wasn't planning on returning, having already accepted a job offer on the East Coast.

Predictably, Abby had collapsed into paroxysms of tears and he realised that the private dining room they were in had been decked out in a riot of yellow ribbons. The handle of the door, the chairs and table and a huge present were adorned with yellow ribbon – he wondered at its significance even as McGee tried to stem the tide of her outburst, pretty unsuccessfully. McGee was shooting Gibbs helpless pleading looks, silently begging him to step in and take over the role of comforter, since Abby regarded him as part surrogate father and part superhero protector. Still recovering from her own abduction trauma, the former team leader would normally be extremely solicitous but he was oblivious to her distress on an emotional level. Frankly he was in denial!

He noted that McGee, apart from the fact that he was obviously distressed because Abby had taken the news so badly had handled the news pragmatically, but he did seem surprised that Tony would find a job so quickly after returning. Gibbs supposed his reaction was not unreasonable, after more than three years Tim had moved on with his life at the CIA. Although he'd been an active participant in trying to find DiNozzo, he expressed the view that there wasn't a whole left for Tony in DC after three years. A sentiment that caused Abby to howl louder than ever and make Gibbs angry glare at him since he bore some of the blame and he hated feeling guilty. Jimmy seemed sad but hardly surprised by the news that had floored him despite his gut and Gibbs figured he must have known already while Ducky seemed almost philosophical about it. Jethro couldn't help wondering if he knew too.

Especially since Ducky had read him the riot act last night at that stupid function, inquiring what the hell he was doing following Tony around, accusing him of behaving like a stalker. Then the elder statesman of their group urged that if he had something to say to his former senior field agent that he should say it or leave Tony alone.

Confronting Ducky now with his suspicious he accused him, "You knew about this. That's why you were beating around the bush, wasn't it? Telling me to talk to him. Ya should have given me a heads up, Duck."

"Yes and no, Jethro. I knew he wasn't planning on remaining in DC but I didn't know that he was going to get a call that would have him flying across the country instead of attending the farewell dinner he had planned. He really did wanted to say a proper goodbye in person."

"So why were you making such a production outta me talking to him if you didn't know?" Gibbs demanded disbelievingly.

Duck had snorted indelicately. "Because you were like a wolf stalking his prey, Jethro. I suspect that Anthony is not doing as well as he would have everyone believe and causing him distress is not helpful. He's had a most difficult time and I'm concerned about him.

Jethro frowned, acknowledging that Duck had indeed hinted that Tony was not as fine as he made out. Gibbs had ended up studying him even more intensely, noting several tells. DiNozzo seemed jumpy, always checking over his shoulder and keeping his back to the wall which was a sign of hyper vigilance frequently seen in PTSD. Then there was the fact that his Zengali suit or whatever the hell it was called, was practically hanging off him. The old DiNozzo wouldn't be seen dead in a suit that needed altering, let alone wearing it to a fancy-assed do like this one. Plus he looked exhausted.

But the most telling for Gibbs was his failure to look him in the eyes combined with his subtle beaten puppy dog air. One of the things that made Tony…well Tony was his ability to stand toe to toe with him when he needed it but this version of his former field agent kept darting looks at him and looking away when they made eye contact. It reminded Gibbs of how he'd acted just before Vance broke up the team and he shipped out to the USS Ronald Reagan, only much, much more exaggerated. It was almost as if DiNozzo had been afraid of him.

Although they'd eaten a quick lunch at Café Florentine and Jethro interrogated both Duck and Palmer about where DiNozzo was going and where he planned to settle, they didn't know anything of importance about his plans. The only information they really had was that he was upset at not being able to stay and tell them his news personally but that an emergency had arisen and he would get in touch when he could. Duck did say that he'd mentioned the possibility of them going to visit him once he was settled which had mollified Abby a little.

Later on when Gibbs arrived home in Alexandria, after explaining to Jackie what had transpired at lunch and that he wouldn't be going out tonight he disappeared gratefully down to his basement for some quiet time. Having the Vance's staying with him left him feeling rather claustrophobic and after learning that he'd missed his shot at being able to talk to DiNozzo he wanted to be alone for a bit. He'd been expecting to settle things between them and say some stuff that he should have said more than three years ago. The fact it wasn't going to happen left him feeling angry, frustrated and angry. He'd been mentally geeing himself up to have a difficult talk with Tony – difficult because he was going to have to admit culpability and he had trouble doing that. Now they wouldn't get that resolution and he didn't want to inflict his black mood on his guests.

He wasn't exactly the most sociable person on a good day and having to comfort a grieving widow and two kids whose father had been killed put a strain on his ability to deal with emotions, including his own. And bottom line – he was used to living alone after so many years. This house had become a shrine, a repository of memories to his long dead wife and child – nothing modernised or changed since they died – leaving little space for the living. Having other people filling the shadows and the silences that the ghost from the past usually occupied seemed wrong, almost sacrilegious. It was like Shannon and Kelly were never ever here.

No it wasn't as if he wasn't sympathetic to what Jackie and the kids were going through – he was. As he was hyper aware of their feelings because he identified with them, he was having a hard time being around them all the time. Didn't mean he didn't understand why Jackie didn't want to go back to the house where it happened. Why she was talking about selling their house and buying somewhere else – hoping to start fresh and escape bad memories. He got it – if his girls had died here in the house he was pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to live here, either.

Then there was the tough reality that Jackie Vance had to pretend that Leon had been killed during a simple home invasion that complicated everything even more. If she slipped up and revealed the truth to anyone it could result in her demise. That brought a whole new level of pressure to bear and Gibbs figured it had to mess with her ability to mourn Leo. Even though he was no shrink he'd had to conceal his own secret about Pedro Hernandez, the monster who'd killed his family and it hadn't been easy.

There'd been plenty of times he wanted to shout it out to the Reynosa cartel – 'hey look what I did!' But he couldn't afford to gloat because of the two Marines who'd covered for him and he didn't want to endanger them or their families, although until a few years ago he'd thought that it was just Mike Franks that had his back. It wasn't until literally days before the damned mess with Rivkin and Ziva erupted three years ago, that he'd found out that Lieutenant Macy deliberately buried the evidence of his guilt. He'd never even thanked her, just nodded at the security camera as he got in the car to drive away from NCIS OSP in LA. He didn't know if she had even seen it and like Tony, he'd let the opportunity to talk and apologise for how he acted slip away. She'd been killed in suspicious circumstances during a case the next year.

So Gibbs truly empathised with what Jackie was going through and he felt that since Mike had stood by him and helped him get his own shit together – preventing him from topping himself in the darkest of days, he needed to pay it forward and stand by Jackie and her kids. She'd already asked Gibbs to be Kayla and Jared's guardian should anything happened to her since she had no family, apart from a younger brother who she was estranged from since he was in jail for manslaughter. It had to be pretty tough on her, especially with the kids grieving too which was why he was willing to suck it up but days like today, he really longed for his solitude.

He couldn't believe that DiNozzo had been here in DC and he'd just taken off again. How could he be so damned thoughtless? Three interminable years he'd spent searching to bring him home…to have the opportunity to explain what he meant about making the wrong decision when Ziva made her ill-advised ultimatum to choose her or Tony. He never would have said what he did if he'd realised that DiNozzo was awake and of course the senior field agent had taken it the wrong way. None of them were thinking clearly right at that point.

He was still reeling at that point over the fact that Ziva had tried to kill Tony and ended up in the morgue and that he hadn't a clue about her extra-curricular spy activities for Mossad. Not to mention her assault on his second in charge in Tel Aviv. Clearly, her remark to himself and Vance about her father and herself having the authority to kill DiNozzo hadn't been a macabre joke at all but a statement of fact or even a declaration of intent. He'd naively put it down to gallows humour, since it was a common enough defence mechanism amongst LEOs – hell Tony had long mastered the art.

Suddenly Jethro realised if DiNozzo had blindly followed the orders that Leon had issued for how he was to act when dealing with Eli David, been sycophantic and if he'd submissively bared his belly during the interrogation, he probably wouldn't have made it back to DC. He doubted if Vance would have stood up for him.

When he did finally discover the truth of the matter of course he didn't blame DiNozzo for Ziva's death, nor did he feel like he had made the wrong choice when Ziva forced him to choose between them. He blamed Jenny but also blamed himself for not sticking to his guns when she'd foisted the Mossad operative on his team without consulting him first. He'd fallen for Ziva's sob story in the elevator when she played him, using his grief for his dead daughter to manipulate him into letting her stay when there was really no logical reason for her to be on his team. Why the hell would Mossad want a spy/trained assassin on the major case response team? He wanted a chance to explain all that to Tony – had wanted to for three years – it was why he resigned.

Gibbs wanted to tell him he was wrong and he was sorry…well no wanted wasn't the right word – he needed to tell him he was wrong. But last night Tony wouldn't let him get close enough to do it. Now he'd missed out on his opportunity. Why did DiNozzo spend all night trying desperately not to be alone with him? Why did he act like he was afraid of the man he'd worked with for eight years?

"Damn you Tony. Why?" He uttered aloud in pure frustration.

"Think your memory might be on the fritz, Gunny. If you really don't know then ya might want to have another look at that letter he wrote you and get a clue."

Gibbs tried not to jump. He didn't want to let Dave know that he'd caught him unawares. Turning casually to see his very own personal celestial nuisance regarding him rather sardonically, he growled. "Thought you couldn't give me anymore help, Loo."

"Ah well, let's just say that The Powers That Be admired my work. They're prepared to overlook my… shall we say 'creative interpretation of the rules.' And I've received instructions to see this thing through to the end."

Snorting, Gibbs mocked, "Can't say I agree with them. Your 'help' led to the fiasco at the cemetery which was a complete waste of time."

Looking annoyingly enigmatic, Dave disagreed. "On the contrary, Gunny. It was the catalyst for certain significant events that needed to occur for things to unfold as they have. For people to meet again, for conversations to take place and secrets to be revealed in order for certain decisions that might not have been made otherwise."

"So I wasn't supposed to talk to DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked, have hopefully.

"Nice try. Nope you can't get out of it that easily Leroy. People make choices, even if something is supposed to happen, it doesn't mean that it is set in stone and will happen. You get to make choices every step along the way. It's called free will for a reason.

"Which reminds me – I'm curious Gunny. Why after so many miles travelled, hours spent searching for leads, sleepless nights wondering where to look next, did you throw away the chance to talk to DiNozzo last night to tell him what you've been desperate to say for more than three years? You said it was so important that it prevented you from doing the grief work for Shannon and Kelly?"

"I tried but he kept avoiding me and that Ruby person he brought as his date or one of his protection detail stuck to him like white on rice, all night. He was never alone, not even in the head." Gibbs grumbled.

"Yeah…so? Not like what ya had to say was exactly classified intel after all. All you had to do was tell him you were wrong and apologise. I don't see what the problem was."

"Breaks one of my rules – Rule 6 - saying your sorry is a sign of weakness. Last thing I needed was an audience when I did it."

"And you never break your own rules? I don't think so. Besides… it's a friggin dumbass rule if you ask me! Which you didn't but tough. Back on point…you trying to tell me that you let an opportunity slip out of your grasp because you were worried about looking weak?" Celestial Dave shook his head.

"I thought I'd get a chance tonight, or I'd invite him over for cowboy steaks and beer for a private talk. Didn't think he'd run off again."

Shaking his head a second time, Dave gave him a pitying look. "It might be difficult to admit to mistakes, especially owning them publically but doing it in private is a cop out. The coward's was out. And isn't it just a bit hypocritical since you never bothered to point out subordinates weaknesses and mistakes in private so they wouldn't end up looking stupid or weak in front of everyone?

"Facing up to your faults and mistakes, owning them and the consequences takes real courage. No one is perfect – not even you, Gunny. And there are a lot worse things that can happen to you than having people think you're weak – trust me on that."

On that note Dave looked at him disappointedly and faded out, leaving Gibbs to wonder yet again if his XO was a figment of his imagination. Still he decide to take Dave's one piece of unambiguous advice since it was the only part of his annoyingly enigmatic 'help' that Jethro understood. He went to dig out the letter DiNozzo had written him over three years ago. Of course he'd only had the guts to actually read it this year. Retrieving it from the drawer in the woodworking table where he'd stuffed it, Jethro unfolded it and started to read.

Gibbs,

Know how much you hate apologies so I'll just say that I know how badly I screwed up. Jenny is dead because of me and now so is Ziva and I know that you can never forgive that. I'm leaving before I am responsible for anyone else dying… should have left before Sacks bought the farm but I didn't and he paid the price. [Wasn't your fault.]

I know you're pissed I didn't tell you about Ziva attacking me in Israel and ain't hindsight a bitch 'cause I can see now that I should have… but at the time? Anyway Fornell was right… I did think that you would already know – you are always ten steps ahead of us that it's easy to think of you as all knowing and omnipotent. Plus I didn't want to screw Ziva and her reputation – she was my partner which was why I went to see her the night Rivkin was killed. I wanted her to explain… I wanted to protect her... I wanted her to be innocent. [Me too Tony!]

But if I am being honest...there is another reason, albeit a selfish one why I didn't tell anyone (well voluntarily anyway) about Ziva pulling her gun and threatening to shoot me. I didn't report what had occurred when Ziva knocked me to the ground and held her gun to my chest and thigh because with everything that happened before during and after me taking one for the team I was afraid that you wouldn't take it seriously. Or maybe even worse, that you would justify her behaviour and defend the indefensible. And if that had happened it would have destroyed me to know that Rule # one was a complete sham - at least as it applied to me. [God damn it. You understood Rule # one a lot better than I did. I let you down!]

I'm sorry that it meant you had to choose me instead of Ziva – if I had come clean you'd have picked Ziva to stay on the team and she would still be alive but Gibbs, it was my bad so you have nothing to feel guilty about. No more than you should feel guilty about your wife and daughter. [Never your fault, DiNozzo.]

Look after the team. It will hit them hard and they'll need you to stay strong for them. Don't worry; you will never hear from me again and that should help to lock away the past. I know you must hate me because of Ziva and if it gives you any comfort, then know that I hate me too. [So that's why you were avoiding me. Not only am I a bastard but dumb as dirt too, DiNozzo. Stubborn, prideful old fool!]

Thanks for all you've done for me even if I wasn't worth the trouble…I've only ever brought you grief even if I never intended to. Still as Ducky would say, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. My father must be laughing fit to bust since he said I'd bring anyone down who tried to help me. You really should have left me in Baltimore. [Aw Tony, why didn't I read this yesterday. Might have stopped me making an idiot of myself.]

I'm sorry for ruining all your lives (and we all know I'm weak so rule six doesn't apply here.) Like I said this will be the last time you have to deal with me – it is the very least I can do for everyone. [Never weak – one of the strongest people I've met.]

Regretfully

Anthony D. DiNozzo

Jethro refolded the letter and poured a slug of bourbon into his coffee mug which could probably do with a wash. Shrugging, figuring a bit of dust wouldn't kill him he took a mouthful as he faced an unpalatable realisation. Dave was right, he was in denial because he was a coward. Not like he hadn't broken every other rule at least once – some he broke repeatedly so why did he cling pathetically to rule six. What was it about appearing weak that made him behave like the worlds' biggest ass? That's not true, Jethro. You broke Rule # Six when McGee killed that cop and you apologised for not going with him when he was questioned by the cops. Sure you may not have actually come out and said the words 'sorry' and 'wrong' but 'I should have gone with you,' was as good as.

Dave was on the money as usual too about Gibbs never bothering to take someone aside to kick their butt when pointing out their shortcomings or mistakes and yet he refused to acknowledge his own, in private and definitely not in public. What a hypocrite he'd turned out to be – told everyone not to call him sir because he was proud to be an enlisted man but he was sure as hell behaving like everything he despised about those officers he scorned that went round with sticks up their butts' and who were too arrogant to ever admit to their mistakes, even if it cost good men their lives.

Why was it so damned difficult for him to say he was sorry?

As he was pondering if his three abject failures at marriage after Shannon might have turned out any differently if he'd had the courage to say he was sorry, he heard male voices overhead. Scowling at the thought that someone was daring to disturb his me time, he decided perhaps ungallantly, to let Jackie deal with it. Several minutes later, Jackie knocked on the door and knowing that he didn't want to be disturbed, apologised. How very ironic!

"Gibbs, I'm sorry to disturb you but there are two men that want to see you."

"Tell them I'm busy," he replied trying not to growl at Jackie since it wasn't her fault. She was blameless in this whole mess."

"They said it was important. They're from the State Department and the Mexican Embassy. Said you haven't returned any of their calls. They also said I was to tell you it was in reference to a Pedro Hernandez and Kelly and Shannon Gibbs."

There was a shocked silence and finally he managed to reply. "I'll be up in a few minutes."

Jackie nodded and tactfully withdrew. Gibbs took a second slug of Jack and recalled Dave's prophetic words of less than an hour ago. 'No one is perfect – not even you, Gunny. And there are worse things that can happen than having people think you're weak – trust me on that.'

Damn it! He was right…again! Which begged the question, did his XO know about Hernandez? Oh yeah, of course he did. He's your conscience, your hallucination, your celestial parasitic leech, your giant pain in the ass. Holy crap whatever the hell ya want to call him Jethro - he knows!

Still there was no way after all this time that they could prove anything – even if they suspected. Macy was dead and so was Mike now – those damned coffin nails had got him in the end. Nope, there was no way they could prove that he killed that murderous monster. He just needed to keep his cool and wait it out like before.

End Notes:

Before anyone points it out to me, I know that the You Tube video of the Cebu prisoners doing their routine to Psy' Gangnam Style was uploaded in September approximately a month after this chapter takes place but please just go with me on this one please.