Plans
Excerpt from Citadel News
Sources indicate that Commander Shepard, Savior of the Galaxy and hero of the Reaper War, is currently engaged to her long-time crewmate, Dr. Liara T'soni. Evidence suggests that the couple have been together since the first Reaper attack on the citadel, over three years ago. The news of their engagement has been met with mixed reactions. Councilor Tevos, the asari representative on the Citadel Council, said that she wished both of them the best of luck and added that the commander deserved the opportunity to settle down after the fight against the Reapers. When pressed what Commander Shepard's role as a spectre and hero would be in the coming months, Councilor Tevos commented that "the Council holds Commander Shepard in the highest respect and hopes that she will choose to remain the Citadel's top spectre agent." Meanwhile, the Alliance has continued to refuse commenting on any of the commander's actions. Shepard's relationship to the Alliance remains unclear at this time. Other human organizations, particularly pro-human groups such as Terra Firma, have been much more vocal in their condemnation of Shepard's actions. Terra Firma released this statement in response to the news that Shepard was engaged to an asari: "We are disappointed in Commander Shepard's decision to turn her back on humanity. Losing Shepard to the asari is a blow to the human race and it will take some time to recover. We had great hopes for Shepard's bloodline, but those hopes will likely not come to fruition now. We can only hope that the commander reconsiders her decision." Neither Shepard, Dr. T'soni, nor any member of her crew have been able to be reached for comment.
~.~.~.~.~
A storm raged outside, rain beating against the windows like fingers tapping on glass. Thunder growled softly, far off, and occasionally lightning stirred shadows across the darkened bedroom that would quickly settle back to black. In their apartment on the Citadel, Shepard and Liara listened to the storm outside with the knowledge that, at least for the moment, they were sheltered against it. Liara lay wrapped in the sheets with her head against Shepard's chest, left hand intertwined with Shepard's right while the human's left traced tiny circles across Liara's bare back. Head propped up on the pillow, the commander stared at the top of the asari's head without really seeing. Her mind drifted to thoughts of the upcoming wedding - they had decided to mix human and asari traditions and there was still planning that needed to be done - then to her difficulties with the council - they were still dragging their feet on her proposal for an inclusive council - and then finally to her typical concerns about the future.
She didn't know whether to stay a spectre or rejoin the Alliance or quit altogether. She had grown used to being a well known person throughout the galaxy a long time ago, but now it seemed like everyone wanted something from her. Everyone expected her to lead them somewhere; no one seemed to know where exactly, but they were positive that it would be better than where they were. And then there were the snatches of the news that she had overheard in which people were discussing her bloodline. Pro-human groups bemoaning that her bloodline was at an end while asari groups argued whether an asari offspring would bear any of Shepard's traits and debating the details of asari reproduction in general. It nearly sent her into a rage just thinking about it. All those outside people making plans for her, and her and Liara's possible offspring. Making plans for her children. She didn't even know if her and Liara would have children, but if they did she certainly wouldn't allow others to dictate her future. She would do whatever it took to protect her child.
She wasn't sure what Liara was thinking about at the moment, but she suspected it might be the same, or at least similar. She had been silent for a while and Shepard might have believed that she was asleep if it weren't for the fact that she could feel Liara's quickened pulse. Liara's heart drummed against the side of her stomach, echoed against her ribs so that it felt like it was her own heart beating wildly. Shepard had no idea why Liara's pulse had hastened, not when they were just lying there in bed. But she didn't dare to ask. If Liara was nervous or angry about something, Shepard would let her come to her in her own time.
Tilting her head forward she kissed the top of Liara's scalp affectionately, a reminder that she was there and willing to listen, but not demanding that Liara speak her mind. The asari gave a start, as if she had been suddenly dragged back to reality, then drew even closer to Shepard, pressing nearer as if afraid of losing her. She was silent for a few moments longer and then said, "Shepard, I..." She trailed off, uncertain, and Shepard could feel her heart drumming even faster. She must have been nervous, not angry. Propping herself up on her elbow, Liara raised her head to look into Shepard's eyes. Chewing her bottom lip she said, "Shepard what do you want in our future? I mean... I was just wondering what you want life to be like after we are married." She blushed, though Shepard was not exactly sure why.
She could understand her nervousness though. Shepard wondered about their future almost constantly and she also wondered what Liara wanted from their future. She had been too afraid to ask because she feared that their desires might not align. She was a realistic woman, she knew there were several things they might have differing opinions on, and she also knew that they needed to discuss those things before they got married. Being such an obsessive planner she had played the possible responses from Liara a thousand times in her mind and thought of how she might react to each. She had thought about what was most important to her, the things she had to have and the things she could do without, and she had realized the most important thing was having Liara. She was willing to give up almost anything else for that.
Still, she knew that she had to be honest with Liara and tell her all the things she had been mulling about in her head for the past few weeks. "I've thought a lot about it," Shepard told her. "The council wants me to stay a spectre. I think they're afraid not to have me close at hand or where they can keep an eye on me. And if I stay a spectre I can keep an eye on them in turn and continue to help the galaxy, but I'll be in danger a lot. I'm afraid the council might expect the impossible from me now - they might send me into impossibly dangerous situations. And I don't want to risk that because I don't want to hurt you. I've also thought about rejoining the Alliance, but I think the problem will be the same there. Plus I don't want to have to be away from you for long periods of time. I want to be with you." Taking a deep breath, Shepard then admitted, "But I know that I can't just retire either, Liara. I hate to admit it, but I'm addicted to the action. I've been fighting and struggling for so long that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I just stopped. And I don't know if there's a middle ground. I'll try to think of something because I don't want to put myself in danger, because I know you don't want me to put myself in danger, but I can't stop being a soldier either. I just don't know what I will do yet."
"I thought you might say that," Liara said. "I wondered if you would be able to give up being a soldier. I could never imagine you doing something... tame." Smiling, she brushed the fingers of her left hand against Shepard's cheek. "And you are right that I do not want you constantly far away and in danger. I had hoped that after the Reaper War we would not have to be apart any longer."
A pang of guilt stabbed at Shepard's chest. She wished that she could just settle down with Liara, but who she was made something as simple as that too difficult. Not only was her fame going to be a constant issue, but her own need to lead, to be in the thick of the action might drive them apart. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Liara.
"I'll think of something, Liara," she promised. "I just need to think about it. I know I will think of something."
Nodding, Liara answered, "If anyone can it is you." Then she grew quiet again, averting her eyes from Shepard's, her left hand coming to rest on the human's collar bone. Instinctively, Shepard laid her own hand on top of Liara's, squeezing softly. Liara had flushed a darker blue again in embarrassment, but Shepard still had no idea why. Finally, Liara said, "Um... Do you remember what you said before, about marriage, old age, and... and a lot of little blue children?" Shepard's stomach immediately did a flip as her level of nervousness skyrocketed to meet Liara's. This would be the most difficult question to answer, and the most important thing they would have to discuss. "Did you... did you mean what you said?"
"I've thought a lot about this too," Shepard admitted. "I decided that... I want whatever makes you happy." Taking a deep breath, Shepard steeled herself to explain her reasoning. She knew that she had to let Liara know that she understood the situation. She had to make sure Liara understood the situation too. "If the question were: "do I want to have children with you?" I would say yes. I grew up in a big family, and I loved - still love - them all dearly. And part of me wants that back. I want a family, and more than anything I want a family with you. But... I know it's more complicated than that. Any child we had would be under constant harassment by the press. I don't know how normal a life we could provide for her. I don't know if having me as a parent would be a hindrance to her." Taking another deep breath, she continued, "And the biggest issue is whether you are ready for kids. You're young by asari standards. You have hundreds of years left to live and I... I won't be around as long. After the Lazarus Project and all the... modifications, I think I might live longer than a normal human. Miranda told me once that she will likely live to be a hundred and fifty. I might live as long, if not longer. But even so I won't be around for the majority of our child's life. And I don't know if that's fair to her and I don't think it's fair to you. And maybe you're too young to have kids. I just... I just don't think I have the right to make this decision. So, if you want to have children, then I promise to love our daughter or daughters and protect them. But if you don't want to have children, if you're not ready or you are unsure of what will happen when I'm gone... then I am ok with that too. I promise to love you no matter what and I promise to be devoted to our family, no matter how many of us are a part of it."
Her heart still pounded in her chest as the last words left her lips. The mixture of emotions present on Liara's face were too numerous to separate and discern. Shepard hoped that Liara understood her reasons for choosing to hand the decision to her. She knew that she was placing a burden on Liara, but she had been honest: the decision had to be Liara's because she would live long after Shepard was gone. All that remained was Liara's response.
Sapphire blue eyes stared at Shepard, unblinking, while her bottom lip quivered. A tense silence lapsed before Liara said, "I do not know what to say. I - You mentioned the things I have been worried about for a while. All the things I have been trying to figure out." She sighed, smiling. "It is actually a relief that I do not have to explain them to you. There are things I hate to think about... hate to say too... and the fact that I do not have to, that you understand... makes it easier." She stared at a point on the far wall for a while, gathering her thoughts before she said, "Since you were honest with me, I need to be honest with you, Shepard. I am frightened. By the idea of having children and wondering if I will even know how to raise a daughter." Her eyes drifted back to Shepard and she gave a warm smile. "I know any children we had would love you. I know you would be a wonderful parent. But I am afraid I would mess it up. I have gotten better, but my social skills are still lacking in some areas, and my own mother was not always the best example. What if I became like Benezia and pushed our daughter away? I am afraid... that when you are gone I will not know what to do and she will drift away from me without you to keep us all together. You always hold people together, Shepard. And when you disappear... things fall apart."
Shepard felt like she had been sucker-punched right in the stomach. The realization that Liara thought she might be a bad mother was both shocking and practically unfathomable. Liara was the light of her life, the most amazing person she knew. Shepard, on the other hand, knew that she had the capacity to harm those around her just by being who she was. She was the primary danger to their child, not Liara.
Cupping Liara's face in her hands, Shepard said, "How could you think that? You would be an amazing mother, Liara. You would teach our child patience, curiosity, kindness, and courage. And how could she drift away from you when love would bind her as tightly to you as it does for me? She would worship the ground you walk on like I do. It would be me that would struggle to be a good parent. I want her to be able to choose her own path, not feel pressure to live up to the expectations anyone else has because of who I am. I want to be more than a tough, military parent. I want her to see me as more than Commander Shepard. I want her to know that I love her no matter who she chooses to be."
Eyes shining with sudden warmth, Liara answered, "You make her sound real already, Shepard. I can almost see her in my head, and thinking of her puts my heart more at ease." Then, wrapping her arms around Shepard and pressing close, resting her head on the human's shoulder she asked, "Do you think she will be as hot-headed as you?"
Realizing that Liara had used the future tense, had said "will she be..." instead of "could she be," made happiness blossom in her heart like a springtime flower. She could almost see their daughter in her mind as well, a hope that she had not dared to allow herself to imagine until now. But now that little girl was a real vision of the future. A future of the family Shepard would regain after so long.
Hugging Liara close to her and grinning, Shepard said, "I think she will definitely be as determined as her mother."
And so the couple talked about their daughter as the night wore on. Planning, describing, and loving their new hope for the future, aware of the storm raging outside but choosing to ignore it while they were sheltered in each other's arms.
~.~.~.~.~
Greetings from the world of tomorrow a.k.a. Japan (because we're ahead of everyone else time zone-wise)! Let me begin by saying thank you to those who gave such wonderful reviews for the first chapter. All of them brightened my day and I appreciated all the well-wishes for my trip, even though none of you know me personally. I was very touched by all of your comments. I'm thrilled that people have responded well to the first chapter and I feel optimistic about where this project is going. It is difficult to write something post-ME3 and still appeal to different people, I think, but I hope to offer a probable prediction and a fun story.
Anyway, I just wanted to share a funny story (or something I thought was amusing). I've been wanting to write this conversation between Liara and Shepard for a long time (I almost placed it in one of the previous stories, but decided that it wasn't the proper time) because I think it's the elephant in the room that I haven't really seen other fanfics address at length. I think we all like to think of Shep and Liara having kids post-ME3, but I definitely couldn't blame Liara for being like hell no. She'll be a mom long after Shep is gone and she's so young. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to share what was the most perplexing and difficult logic puzzle while writing this chapter. Anyone care to guess what question stumped me and required me to scour google for answers? Have something in mind? The answer: Is it possible for it to rain/storm on the Citadel? Seriously, this question had me really worried. I wanted it to be stormy at the beginning of the scene because of the literary implications, and I wrote it originally without much thought to the logistics. Then, while proof-reading I suddenly realized that it might not be possible to have rain on the Citadel since it is a space station. I thought about changing it to be safe, but I really wanted it to be stormy. I just like how it mirrors the metaphorical storm in their lives. So I did a bit of research about storms in space. I'm still not positive whether it would ever storm on the Citadel, but I decided to leave it in because I figured it was theoretically possible. Seriously guys, I learned how the weather works in space because I was so worried about whether this was even theoretically possible. I have problems.
As for the next update, I'm afraid I can't really give any kind of date for that. I need to figure out how far ahead I want to jump chronologically. I know some of you might want the wedding itself, but I don't want to look up anymore marriage stuff... it makes me feel like a creeper for some reason. I also don't have any ideas for it either, so I'm favoring just skipping it. The question then becomes how far ahead to skip. I'll need to think about it some.
As always, thanks for reading and thanks to those who are kind enough to review. I wish you all the best.
~N.Q. Wilder
P.S. I don't think speaking broken Japanese and English has completely screwed up my brain yet, but if you catch any typos let me know and I will fix them. Thanks!