Chapter 18 - Can I Talk to You?

Author's Notes: I own nothing but the storyline, the mistakes, Riley, and Bitchtits. Oh, I mean Amanda. This chapter is written entirely from Simon's point of view!

See the end for more notes.

"Simon."

My hope for a hasty retreat was dashed at the quiet voice that I knew too well. Through the entire line, I was ansty, nervous, and jittery, wondering if I'd bump into her at the end. I didn't, and I was grateful I got my order quickly, my thoughts still on her. Wondering how she was doing, even though I wasn't supposed to care, and then remembering her slapping my best friend, the girl I was truly in love with, simply because of jealousy that she had me in her corner solidly. I remembered going out with her for Chinese, bumping into her on Carson Street, the horror movies at The Exchange. Knowing what I know now, I didn't know of what to believe. If any of it was genuinely accidental, or because of planning and stalking on her part.

I turned facing her with a smile on my face, though I could feel it was fake, I couldn't not smile at her. "Amanda."

She looked around quickly, almost as if she were looking for someone. Or multiple someones. "Can I...talk to you?" When I nodded silently, not saying a word, she looked around again. "...privately?"

"No." The word was gentle, though firm. "I'm sorry, but no, Amanda. Right now, I don't trust you enough to go somewhere alone with you. Given the way you reacted around Clary that day, I'm sure you can understand why."

She winced, maybe remembering just how she'd hurt me and my best friend. Or maybe she remembered my rejection, I couldn't be sure. A part of me didn't really care, if I was honest. "I do." Her voice was quiet, eyes wide a bit as she looked up at me. "Simon, I understand why you don't want to be around me, and I accept that. And I know I deserve it for the way I acted. Right now, I'll be happy with whatever you give me, civil conversation like right now. A nod on campus as we pass by each other, a greeting here in the coffee shop, and maybe, after awhile, we can start hanging out again." Her voice was hopeful, and I didn't want to diminish her hopes. After all, I really did enjoy hanging out with her.

But, on the same page, she did hurt Clary. "I'll see what I can do." I told her honestly, and I could tell she knew it was genuine, because she smiled so widely that I thought her face was going to split, and she released a long exhale, almost like she was holding her breath waiting for an answer.

"Thank you, Simon. Really, you have no idea what this means to me. I was afraid you'd never want to talk to me again." Her voice held nothing but relief, and I could tell she truly thought that.

Which proves that she doesn't know me as well as she thinks.

"Nah, I just considered waiting for a horde of zombies and throwing you to them." I told her with a small smile, one that would be wider if she hadn't done what she'd done.

"I deserve it." It was spoken sincerely, with a nod to accompany it.

And I could only nod myself, because I thought about agreeing with her, that she did deserve it a bit, but I didn't speak the words. Because I honestly had a feeling that that was what she wanted me to do. Agree with her so that she could martyr herself, take that I thought all of these bad things about her in light of what she'd done, and then get it out of my system. So that we could then go back to how we were. Which I wasn't certain could be reached again. Dahlia and Clary wouldn't dare hang out with her again, and I wasn't going to hang out with her in secret like I was secretly carrying on some torrid affair behind their backs, which Amanda would undoubtedly say when (not if) the girls found out about us hanging out. So, really, we were stuck when it came to spending time together.

And I couldn't find it in me to be completely bothered by that.

"So..." The strawberry blonde shifted her feet a bit, looking about the coffee shop watchfully, but seeing no one needing assistance. Or anyone else around that would rip her head off for talking to me. "...where's everyone else?"

"Dahlia and Clary are in the city for the morning before class." I answered her, not mentioning exactly where they'd be: Rite Aid, Dollar General, and Giant Eagle. I wasn't kidding when I said I couldn't trust her, especially in light of what Dahlia said about her calling off of work and then 'bumping' into me.

Amanda once again nodded, accepting of that answer. "And you?" She asked quietly.

"Coffee fix before going to the library." I told her honestly, holding up the to-go cup as if it were evidence. "Without it, I'll fall asleep over my books and probably miss my first class."

The strawberry blonde smiled softly. "Work here." She told me honestly, pointing over her shoulder at the counter. "You'll never sleep again, even if you want to."

Getting that being surrounded by coffee would probably keep me up all night, I couldn't help but give her a grin. "Yeah, I believe that." I told her honestly, making her smile a bit before she became serious.

"I meant what I said, Simon. I really am sorry." Her voice was sincere, eyes beseeching. I could tell she wanted to reach out and touch me, but was holding back. I felt a certain amount of respect for her for that, while also simultaneously wishing that she showed my best friend the same restraint.

"I know you are." Which was true, she was at least better than Jace in my honest opinion. Because she was apologizing for her hurtful actions, whereas the perfect blond would never do such a thing. Never has for years. At least Amanda knows she did wrong, and is at least willing to try and fix it.

She looked ready to say something else, but ended up getting cut off due to her name being called, looking over her shoulder to see one of her fellow coworkers waving her over. "Uh...it looks like I gotta go..."

I gave her a smile in return. "No big deal, I have to get going, too." I really did, too.

"So. I'll see you next time you're in here?" I didn't imagine the hopeful tone in her voice, did I?

"Yeah, you will." I told her, which is true. I'd be in here when she'd be here, but I wouldn't go out of my way to find her like I had last week when Clary and I weren't speaking to one another. And it'd be awhile until I could trust her again, of that much I was certain.

More notes: Yeah, it's shorter than all pretty much all of my other chapters, but I couldn't really think of a place to end it after this without it being awkward. Although, now the question is...does Amanda actually mean what she says? ;)