Stress can take either an extremely low or high toll on anyone, no matter age, gender, or personality. Chloe, unfortunately, fell victim to one of the outcomes of it. She stared over herself, at what she had just done. Blood flowed down her arms like a raging waterfall, over her white scars of the past and coming together in a small puddle at her feet. A tear fell from her face as she watched the scene unfold, the blood turning her pale skin dark red. She let the razor blade drop from her shaking fingers onto the stained carpet, and just stared at herself in silence. Her lip quivered as she allowed the blood to drain from herself. Not too deep, but not too shallow, just enough to leave a permanent scar. She held her arms out at her sides and deeply sighed. For once, for just once in her life, she just wished she could live a normal life, have friends, not be different, to just be perfect.
"I'm different. Why do I gotta be different?" She sighed and ran a hand over her stomach. "Skinny. I need to be skinny."
Chloe saw herself as fat, disgusting, worthless, useless, invisible, the list just went on and on. But in reality, she was pretty much wasting away, her weight shedding off of her like hair on a cat. At times, her whole body ached, for a million and one different reasons. From excessive exercising, self inflicted wounds, the list was endless. Most of the time, she was just exhausted from straight up living, and at that moment she was beginning to question why she had come to L.A. in the first place.
She reached down to the floor into one of the many boxes she didn't unpack yet and pulled out a picture. It was of her when she was younger. Her, her mother, her older brother, and her old cat. She touched the frame gently, letting her fingers run smoothly over the clear glass. She remembered being that little, when school and stress and unhappiness didn't matter. She looked around the room, at her brand new apartment, and realized she was all alone. She looked at the picture once more and a tear slipped down her face. Her face twisted into a heartbreaking frown and she tossed the picture back into the box and sprung up off her bed. "I gotta get out of here." She said. She grabbed a sweatshirt off a chair in her room and headed out the door. "Before I do something fucking stupid. Again."
"Man, I'm beat." Carlos said, flopping down on a couch in the studio. He spread out his arms and legs, stretching and yawning as he breathed a sigh of relief. "So glad we got the day off tomorrow. What should we do?"
"I'm going to be the responsible one and actually work on my schoolwork, like we all should be doing." Logan said. James laughed and put his arm around him.
"You need to take a break, you definitely work too much and worry about everything! It's the weekend, you need to chill." Kendall laughed as Logan rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"Ok, but whenever you guys fail the year, don't come crawling back to me." Logan replied. "What are you planning to do, genius?"
"I am definitely overdue for some much needed pool time." James said, grinning. "The ladies haven't been seeing much of James lately."
"Speaking of ladies," Carlos said, turning to Kendall, "When are you gonna go talk to yours?"
Kendall groaned and rubbed his head. "We're not together and we won't be, I don't even know this girl. We talked for like a second but that's it. She didn't even wanna talk to me."
"Yeah but that girl, uh what's her name, Chloe? Yeah, she seemed to kinda take a slight interest in you." Logan said.
"Gee. Thanks." Kendall said. He sighed and rubbed his head. "And, no, she didn't. I tried talking to her because she looked anxious but she was avoiding me. But that doesn't bother me."
"The look in your eyes when you saw her says otherwise, buddy." James said. He slapped Kendall across the back and leaned against him. "Now if you really wanna get her, I can help you out cause, you know, I'm stunning to look at."
"Wow, there's really no hurting your confidence, is there?" Kendall said, rolling his eyes. He pushed James' arm off his shoulder and sighed. "Besides, she didn't seem like she wanted to talk to anyone. There was something on her mind, I could tell."
"Social anxiety, it's not uncommon for people who are new to a strange place. Ms. Collins said she was from Pennsylvania, that's all the way on the other side of the country. I mean, you guys saw how fidgety she was, pulling on her sleeves and everything. She definitely has some anxiety issues. Maybe talking to her will help her." Logan said.
"No, there's definitely something more than anxiety that's wrong with her." James said, seriousness flooding his face. "Did you see how skinny she was? I've never seen a girl that looked like that before. She was all skin and bones."
"He's right." Carlos said. He sat up and straightened his hockey helmet. "I noticed her body, too. She's beautiful and very skinny, but almost maybe too skinny. Maybe she's got like an eating disorder or something."
"That's none of my business." Kendall said. "And besides, even if you guys were right, there's no way she would talk to me. Clearly she doesn't want to talk to anyone. She wouldn't even talk when Ms. Collins was introducing her to the class. Now let's go, the car's out front to take us home."
Kendall deserted them and went out the door, the other guys just shrugging their shoulders and following him back to the Palm Woods.
Chloe walked through Palm Woods park with her hands stuck in her pockets. The wind blew furiously against her, and she silently thanked herself for bringing her sweatshirt. You could never have too many layers.
She gazed up into the sky and let the wind beat against her face. She grinned and sighed peacefully. "It's gonna rain." She said to herself. She breathed in the L.A. air and smiled. "I love the rain."
Walking through the park definitely took Chloe's mind off of things. The air made her feel more relaxed, and she almost forgot about what she kept hidden under her sweatshirt. She hugged her arms closer to her chest the more she thought about it. She pulled down a part of her sleeve and observed some of the white lines that were etched into her wrist. She sighed and pulled her sleeve down far over her palm, gripping the cloth tightly. Maybe coming to this town was a bad idea, she thought. Maybe she really should've just stayed behind.
"Better head back to the Palm Woods." She said to herself. As the wind beat against her harder, she hid her face from the world and walked towards the large building, back to the safety of her new home. Her fresh cuts got snagged against her sweater as she walked, and she bit her tongue to bite back the screams of pain. As she passed by the pool area, she saw everyone happily getting out of the water to avoid the stormy weather. Girls in their bikinis and tiny bodies jumped out of the water and laughed as they wrung their hair out, smiling as guys handed them their towels and draped them across their shoulders. Some got hugs, some got kisses, but all Chloe got was a kick in the gut. It pained her to see things like that, because she knew she would never be pretty enough to live a life like that, for some guy to hold her and tell her she was beautiful. She looked at the other girls, then at her own body. She bit her lip and moved along, tears forming in her eyes. She knew she would never be as skinny as them, no matter how hard she tried. She ran through the pool area and into the lobby, avoiding unwanted stares and whispers.
"I can't wait to actually go to bed. I'm so beat." Carlos moaned. He leaned against Logan and yawned. "Can you carry me the rest of the way?"
"Carry yourself, Carlos, I'm not carrying you." Logan replied, pushing him away. But Carlos continued to beg.
"Come on, pleeeaaaase? I don't want to waaaaaaalk." Carlos whined. "I'm so tireeeedddd."
"Carlos, stop, I'm tired too." Logan said, pushing him away. He himself yawned and rubbed his eyes. "You'll be fine until we get upstairs."
"Guys, stop arguing. We'll be upstairs in a second." Kendall said. "I'm sure you guys can stop complaining for a minute."
"But Logan's being mean to me." Carlos complained. He smacked Logan's shoulder and Logan hit him back.
"Knock it off, guys!" Kendall said, walking backwards in the lobby so he could face them. "If you guys don't pay attention you're going to hit into somebod-"
Kendall was immediately knocked over by an unseen person. "Ow!" He screamed as he hit the floor. He rubbed his head and noticed it was a girl that ran into him. He pushed himself up off the floor and rushed over to her. "I'm sorry!" He said, extending his hand to help her up. "I wasn't looking where I was going."
"No, it's my fault I wasn't looking where I was going." She said, sounding like she was in some obvious pain. Kendall reached down to help her but stopped when he realized it was Chloe.
"Chloe, right?" He asked. She looked at him and instantly fell silent.
"Yeah. Sorry I hit you. My fault." She said, picking herself up off the floor. But Kendall grabbed her underneath her arms and helped pull her up. She hissed with pain, for underneath her sweatshirt where his fingers were, her cuts still ached.
"Oh man, I'm sorry. You must've hit the floor hard." Kendall said. "I was walking backwards, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"I was running. My fault, not yours." She said quietly, pushing her hair behind her ears and avoiding his gaze. She hugged her arms closer to her chest and stared at her feet. "Thanks for helping me up." She was so quiet, he could hardly hear her.
Kendall looked around for the guys but realized they were standing farther back, waving at him as he talked to her. Kendall rolled his eyes and turned back towards Chloe. Maybe the guys were right. Maybe if he tried to talk to her, it would make her feel better. After all, she was new there, and maybe all she needed was some friends.
"You're from Pennsylvania, huh?" He asked her, crossing his arms. This question seemed to take her by surprise, because she looked around the room before looking back at him.
"You, you're talking to me, right?" She asked, pointing to herself. Kendall laughed and nodded.
"Yes, I am. Didn't get to talk to you much during school today. Thought you'd maybe wanna talk now?"
"You thought wrong." She snapped back, quietly and quickly. She noticed a look of hurt on his face and she lowered her head. "Sorry." She said. "Just gotta get back to my apartment, hasn't really been a good day."
"It's ok, we all get days like that. We just got back from a horrifyingly long day at the studio and we're all a little irritated."
She forced back a smile and nodded. "Yeah, I know the feeling. And yes, I'm from Pennsylvania."
Chloe stopped for a moment and looked at Kendall; really looked at Kendall. Her days before then, way back in Pennsylvania, she spent listening to their music and wishing she could go to their concerts, but never had the chance to. Now, there she was, standing right in front of him, going to the same school and living in the same building. It was then that she really noticed all of his features. His hair was a dirty blonde styled slightly upwards. His eyes were a beautiful shade of deep green that sparkled as he spoke to her. His smile curled perfectly in the corners of his mouth, showing his perfectly white teeth. He stood calmly and cooly, not impatiently, but intently, like he was actually listening to her and interested in what she had to say. She had never encountered a person who acted this way around her before.
"Sorry I bumped into you, K-Kendall." She said, stuttering. Talking to people scared her, especially when it was Kendall Knight, famous popstar from Big Time Rush. She wanted to get out of there. And fast. "Excuse me, but I really need to go."
"Hey," Kendall said, grabbing her shoulder and spinning her around. Chloe panicked and turned to stone. She looked at Kendall with wide eyes, and Kendall immediately stepped back. "I-I'm sorry. I, I didn't mean it." He said.
"I'll catch you later Kendall, I'm really late and gotta get back." Chloe said. She turned and swiftly headed towards the stairs, disappearing from view. Her hair flowed gracefully behind her as she ran, and when she disappeared, Kendall felt a strange emotion in his chest he couldn't quite pinpoint.
He turned back towards the other guys and shrugged, and then headed off in her direction, his feet picking up at a great speed. Chloe ran quickly up the stairwell, and she was almost on the second floor when Kendall caught up with her.
"Hey, wait up!" He said, breathing heavily. Chloe stopped and shook nervously as Kendall stopped to breathe. "Damn, you're fast."
"Why did you chase me?" Chloe asked. She pushed some hair behind her ears and started fidgeting with her sleeves. She too began to tire, for her small body couldn't handle the excessive running, but she wasn't going to show it. She didn't need anymore sympathy from him.
"I just wanted to talk to you before we all head off to bed, get to know you better. Is that ok? My apartment is right on this floor, we can just walk around a bit."
Chloe looked around nervously. She really didn't want to do that. Her cuts burned through her sweatshirt, and she bit her lip hard and looked at the ground as she furiously pulled at her sleeves.
"Come on." Kendall said, gently placing a hand on her shoulder. "I promise, I don't bite. And it won't be long. Let's go." He motioned up the stairs, and although Chloe was very much against it, she went with him. She walked slowly down the hallway with him walking next to her, wondering why on earth he would be talking to her when there were a million other pretty girls for him to have a conversation with and a comfy bed he could be sleeping in after his long day at work.
"Where's your apartment at?" He asked as they walked, sticking his hands in his pockets. Chloe hugged her arms close to her chest.
"That one." She pointed to 2M as they passed it. Kendall grinned and pointed to 2J just a few doors down.
"That's cool. Mine's right there." He said. "You're really going to like it here. Bitters may act like a dick sometimes, but you'll like it here. And you'll get used to the Palm Woods school. The kids will be good once you get to know them. So, what part of PA are you from?"
"Northern." She said. "It's pretty cold up there." It confused her. This whole thing confused her. Why was she talking to him? Why was she there? She hated talking to people. It sickened her. A lot. But she felt that if she just talked to him like he wanted to, then maybe he would leave her alone for a while. And maybe this would make the evening go quicker. Another plus, she thought, was that it was keeping her away from her own thoughts. But the burning question still lied within her: Why did he want to talk to her so badly?
"Yeah, I understand. I'm from Minnesota, so the weather gets pretty bad up there most days."
"Yeah, I know." She said, half smiling. "I heard it gets pretty bad up there, especially during the winter."
"Yeah, and then you come here and it's like woah, where'd the snow go, right?" Kendall laughed and pushed his hair back. "Sometimes I miss going sled riding or playing hockey on natural ice, or even having a good snowball fight every now and then."
"Yeah, I'm gonna miss that living here." Chloe said. "I mean, I've lived in Pennsylvania my whole life, so coming here is gonna be a big change."
"What made you decide to come here?" Kendall asked. "What are your plans? Are you a dancer, singer, actor, model?"
Chloe laughed. Not because the conversation was light and fun, but because of his expectations. "No, I dunno what I'm gonna do yet. I really just came here to start over, truthfully. Didn't really enjoy it back home, thought this would be a lot nicer."
"Yeah, I get it. I didn't know if I would like it here at first, because it wasn't my idea to originally come here in the first place. James was the one who wanted to audition for Gustavo, I wanted to be a hockey player. But Gustavo wanted me and I said I wouldn't come if he didn't take the guys. It's been a long journey but hey, here we are now."
"Yeah, I know." Chloe said, and she actually smiled. LIke, a real, honest, genuine smile. She even surprised herself as she felt the edges of her mouth curl up. Her face blushed an embarrassed red as she ducked her head away from him.
"Wait, you know? Are you a Rusher, Chloe?" Kendall asked, laughing. Chloe nervously laughed and tried to hide her smile from him.
"Kinda." She said. "I, uh, I listened to you guys a lot back home. I even brought my CDs with me here. Granted, they're somewhere buried deep in one of the many boxes I have not unpacked yet, but hey, they're there somewhere."
Kendall grinned from ear to ear. "That's pretty cool. You ever been to one of our concerts before?"
Chloe immediately frowned and stared straight forward. She bit her lip and shook her head. "No, no I haven't. I just...I never really got around to it. Had too many problems back home I guess."
"Well, if you ever want a private concert, you just let us know. We're always doing rehearsals and stuff, if you ever wanna come you're welcome to."
Chloe nervously smiled and tugged on her sleeves some more. "Thanks." She said quietly.
The two walked around for a little while longer, and after a while Chloe forgot that she even wanted to be home. The more Kendall spoke to her, the less and less nervous she felt, and towards the end of their walk, she hardly felt nervous at all. She was actually having a decent time talking to him. Her entire life, she never ever had a conversation like that before.
"It's getting pretty late, I should probably be heading back." Chloe said. "I uh, I got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow, and I still got stuff to unpack."
"That's cool, same for me." Kendall said. He stopped in front of her apartment and smiled at her. "This was fun. And hey, me and the guys are off work tomorrow, so after school we're gonna hit the pool with some friends. You wanna come with?"
"Thanks, but…" Chloe swallowed hard and kept the tears from coming out of her eyes, and tried her best to keep herself from shaking. "Thanks, but...I don't swim. I'm sorry."
Kendall frowned and shrugged his shoulders. "It's ok, but if you wanna just come down and hang out you're welcome to. I'll see you tomorrow Chloe, goodnight."
She hurriedly entered her apartment and quickly locked the door behind her. She silently thanked God that she got away from him, because she felt like she was going to fall apart. That entire time, her feet would not let her walk away from him, no matter how badly she wanted to run. She could feel him judging her, taking her in little by little, learning her weaknesses and plotting to use them against her. She kicked her shoes across the room, fell to the floor, covered her ears, and screamed. She had told herself she would never let anyone take advantage of her ever again, and she failed.