Hawke couldn't believe her eyes when Bodahn told her two letters had arrived for her that day. One was from Macha, Keran's brother, thanking her for defending him before Ser Cullen. Given her recent interaction with Cullen, Hawke was happy to hear about a time when he was a little more reasonable and forgiving. It seemed like a lifetime ago after knowing what she knew now, that he wasn't entirely against making mages tranquil for the sake of keeping the peace.

Macha's letter fell to the floor though when she noticed the second one, and immediately recognized the handwriting. Carver had written, and not to Mother like he always did, but to her. She settled down in the chair next to the writing desk and read his words several times.

Dearest Marian,

How are you? I hope you and Mother are doing well. Things are good here. I've found my place among the templars. It's nice to have purpose, to be part of something bigger than myself... and you! All right, all right, I'll stop being a pain in the ass.

It's not a perfect job, though. I don't really like what we do to the mages, but do we have a choice? It keeps everyone safe, and it's better than the alternative. Many mages understand that we're trying to help, even if our methods could use improvement.

Unfortunately, there are extreme elements within the Order. Some argue for a permanent solution and have ideas I hope never take root. Makes me glad you and Bethany never had to live in a place like this.

I'll wrap this up. Duty calls. Send my love to Mother.

Your brother,
Carver

She hated how short it was, but Hawke cherished the first bit of contact she had from Carver since the last time she'd seen him. She wondered if Cullen had told him she came to see him? Perhaps it was his way of trying to make amends. Either way it didn't matter...she finally had words from her brother and he was safe. The mention of permanent solutions and extreme elements worried her, but she suspected he was mentioning what she was already aware of, Alrik's plan, which hopefully was a non-issue at this point.

Bodahn announced that Merrill had come to visit, and the elf met Hawke in the living room. "Oh, I'm sorry if I interrupted," the nervous mage said when she saw Hawke still seated, holding the letter.

"It's alright Merrill," Hawke said. "Got a letter from Carver today," she said with a smile.

"Oh, you've heard from your brother?" Merrill sat in the chair beside her. "Is he happy? With the templars I mean?"

Hawke gave her a curious glance. Merrill had never been one to ask about her family before. "Why trouble yourself over him?" she asked.

"I know how hard it is to give up everything and live amongst strangers," Merrill admitted. "I worry about him, and not just for his sake."

Hawke nodded. "This is the first I've heard from him. I worry too."

"Do you think he still resents you then?" Merrill asked. "I know he was angry when he left, but I hope you realize this wasn't your fault. One day he'll understand you were trying to protect him."

"Maybe with time he'll forgive me," Hawke whispered, staring down at his words again.

Merrill patted Hawke's knee. "Your brother loves you. He just doesn't show it very well. Things will be alright, somehow."

"Thank you Merrill," Hawke said, appreciating the kind words. "I'm sure you didn't come here to talk about my brother though. Everything okay with you?"

"Oh!" Merrill exclaimed, as if she just remembered herself why she was there. "Aveline was looking for you at the Hanged Man. Said you should go see Seneschal Bran when you have a moment. Something about the Qunari."

Dearest Father,

Today I confess to you the horrendous actions that I have committed. I don't know how or why it came to be, but I lost my way. There is no excuse I can think of, nothing said or done to make me do such a thing, but Father I have now idea how I have come to such a dark place within myself.

The day started out normal enough. Well, maybe not normal. I got a letter from Carver finally. He seems well if a little sad. I was so happy though that he had at least written, and didn't send some offhanded hello through a letter to Mother. I've read it a dozen times, wishing he were here. Maybe if he hadn't run off to join the templars he could've stopped me.

I received word that the Seneschal wished to speak with me about some missing Qunari delegate. They were taken from the steps of the Viscounts Keep by an overzealous templar who believed they were nothing but filth and a danger to Kirkwall. I agreed with him Father. I didn't mind hearing that they had been taken, and cared even less when we found out Sister Petrice, I'm sorry, Mother Petrice now, was aware of their kidnapping.

I went to confront her, thankful Sebastian wasn't at the Chantry when I did. I wasn't ready to see him. My heart is still heavy from the last time I saw him, when he and Cullen were both agreeing that mages were a danger to themselves and others. Sometimes I wonder if the differences between us are worth struggling with my feelings for him. It would've been much simpler to fall in love with Anders. But I digress.

Petrice wasn't aware that her former bodyguard, Ser Varnell, was doing these things under the pretense that he had the Grand Cleric's permission. She gave him up quite easily then, seemingly more upset that it would've come back on her if word of Varnell's actions got to Elthina. I don't know why I agreed to help her in the first place, but I did, and followed her directions to where Varnell was holding the Qunari.

We confronted Varnell. I knew the Seneschal's position on the Qunari, and Petrice, even Cullen said that they were heathens and the templars were prepared to defend the city against them. If no one in Kirkwall wants them here, why has it taken so long for any of them to do something about it? Varnell and Petrice may have gone about things the wrong way, but they had a point. How much longer were the Qunari supposed to be allowed to stay here, plotting and waiting for whatever it is they are here to do?

I wish Carver were with me today. I wish Aveline had stayed with us when we went to see Varnell. She bailed before we confronted Petrice, not wishing to get mixed up in confronting Elthina and starting a potential war of her own between the guard and Chantry. So I had Merrill, Fenris, and Isabela. None of them stopped me from making what was probably the biggest mistake of my life thus far.

Fanatics. Zealots. All fueled with hatred for the Qunari. Varnell in charge of them all. And I fed off their hatred. Instead of stopping him from taking the lives of those Qunari, I encouraged him. Told him to do so swiftly and he did. Vernell slit their throats, the blood covering him after the deed, and I just stood there.

In a matter of seconds the fanatics were attacking us, Varnell assuming I was playing some game with him when I was trying to prove to him that I was on his side. My friends sprung into action, defending me from the onslaught, but all I could do was look at the bodies of the fallen Qunari. The battle continued around me and I didn't even hear it. I had wanted them dead and dead they were. It wasn't until Fenris called out for healing that I snapped out of whatever trance I was in and helped them with the fight.

I sent Isabela to retrieve the Viscount, to see what he suggested we do to fix this mess that I allowed to happen. He stood over the bodies, as shocked and in as much disbelief as I was, but for different reasons. He was at least satisfied with the knowledge that the group of fanatics were dead along with Varnell. We decided to burn the corpses, try to hide the torture the Qunari had endured by Varnell's hand. I'm sure that won't fool the Arishok, but I didn't know what else to do. My so-called friends had suddenly lost their tongues and said nothing to assist us.

Maker, what do they think of me right now?

As much as I did not want to see Sebastian, I ran back to the Chantry, praying he was there and could help me. I needed to talk to someone, anyone, confess this horrible sin I'd committed. But he still wasn't there. Petrice was, nearly congratulating me for my part in her and Varnell's plan. I was so disgusted with her, with myself, I marched right up to Elthina and was prepared to tell her everything that had happened.

When I asked her about the Chantry's stance on the Qunari, she remained as neutral as she always is. If the Qunari attack, the templars will defend. Until that day she will do nothing but wait. She had the nerve to tell me not to trouble myself. That she'd step in when it was time. It almost sounded as though she knew all along what was happening with her own people. Why did that surprise me, especially after she knew everything about Alrik and what happened with him and the Tranquil Solution? This woman is nearly as corrupt as those that follow her.

But who am I to speak about corruption? My own hatred has corrupted me, caused me to do the unthinkable. You and Mother raised me to care about life, no matter what, and yet I was happy to see the Qunari fall. Each time I am presented with the opportunity, I can not see beyond the past and what their kind has done. If I can stand by and watch something like this, who can say whether or not I would be able to resist a demon or resorting to blood magic?

Oh Father, where are you? Where are you when I truly need you? I have never felt so lost and alone, and this letter to you has brought me little comfort. I know I must find a way to figure this out, find out why I can not control this anger and hate that dwells inside me. I just don't know how.