Sebastian had offered his silent comfort to her last night, so Hawke wasn't surprised when he showed up at the estate early the next morning to escort her to the Gallows. Their friendship seemed to be blossoming into something much deeper, the way he continued to support and encourage her. It was nice, much more than she ever thought possible with the Chantry Brother, and his continued presence made her smile.

Even during the difficult times.

"Are you ready?" Sebastian asked, standing in her foyer dressed in his armor.

Hawke gave him a warm grin. "Expecting trouble?"

Sebastian laughed. "One can never be too cautious when it comes to you Hawke," he said in jest. "Especially if I am to escort you through the Gallows."

Allowing his kind nature to ease her fears, Hawke tried to think positively as they moved through the city. She hadn't seen her brother since Leandra's death, and Hawke wasn't sure what kind of reception she in for. But maybe time had healed some of their wounds, at least she hoped, so she refused to let her nerves consume her.

When they arrived at the Gallows, the Templars were running drills in the courtyard. Hawke realized they had never been there so early in the morning, early enough that no mages were permitted outside of their quarters yet. It was overwhelming to see so many of the mage hunters together, enough that she reconsidered her visit.

Sebastians gentle hand on the base of her spine nudged her forward, and the two waited at the top of the stairs for the Templars to finish. Cullen had noticed their arrival and made his way toward them with a welcoming smile. It seemed no matter what her insides were feeling, the warmth from Cullen combined with Sebastian's support kept her from bolting.

"I take it you're here to see your brother?" Cullen asked.

Hawke nodded. "If that's possible. I probably should've asked for a visit first, but..."

Cullen interrupted her. "It's alright," he assured her. "We expected you sooner given the, uhm, circumstances. My condolences Hawke."

Hawke hadn't realized in avoiding Carver she also hadn't seen Cullen since everything had happened. "Thank you," she replied, hating the awkwardness that speaking of someone's passing always blanketed over a conversation. "Mother always had a kind word to say about you," she added, recalling the many times her mother had mentioned Cullen after a visit with Carver.

"She will be missed by many, I'm sure," Cullen added. "If you'd like to wait over here until morning practice is over..."

"Thank you," Sebastian answered for her, as Cullen escorted them to a bench on the far side of the courtyard.

Hawke couldn't sit though, her nerves returning as she scanned the faces of the Templars in the crowd. Cullen had gone to the instructor and informed him that Carver had a visitor, and the instructor called for Carver to drop out of line. She watched as her brother approached the Knight-Captain and learned she was there, studying his expression for any hint of disappointment as his eyes met hers.

"Hello sister," Carver said when he'd reached them, neutrality in his tone. His eyes narrowed at Sebastian beside her. "I'm sorry, I feel like I know you but I do not recall your name?"

Sebastian extended his hand to the younger Hawke. "Sebastian Vael," he introduced himself formally, though Hawke took notice he did not call himself a Prince nor a Brother. "I owe your sister for helping in the vengeance of my family's murder."

"Right, that was it." Carver accepted his hand. "Carver Hawke, though you probably knew that already."

Dropping his hand, Sebastian bowed slightly to the both of them. "I shall leave you to your visit," he stated. "When you're ready to leave, I'll be speaking with Cullen on the progress of the Starkhaven mages."

"Thank you," Hawke said to Sebastian as he left.

"Shall we?" Carver gestured to the bench.

Now that the moment had arrived and she was alone with her brother, Hawke's nerves returned at full strength. He looked good, almost happy even, his skin a bit darker from the constant sun of patrols she assumed. His eyes no longer held an uncertainty, instead there was determination there, a purpose, and she hoped that maybe he had finally found his place in this world.

Carver appraised her with the same scrutiny. His sister appeared tired to him, sadder than he was used to seeing her. Even in the worst of times she always had some inner glow about her, but looking at her now his concern grew. "So tell me," he started, attempting to break the tension between them. "What have you been up to?"

Hawke filled him in on just that, everything that she had been involved in since they had last seen each other. From the problems with the Qunari to all of the problems her friends had needed help with, Hawke told him everything. Eventually her tales led up to what had happened to their mother, and she gave him only the briefest description. He didn't need to know the gruesome details, or be subjected to the nightmares she herself had endured because of it.

It was cathartic for her to release some of what she'd been holding back from her friends, telling the only person who knew her complete history how some of the recent events had affected her. Spilling her deepest secrets to her father in letters was one thing, but to be able to tell someone face to face her struggles and fears was comforting. He listened as he always did, and his support gave her the courage to face that final demon between them.

"Carver, if I ask you something, do you promise to give me an honest answer?"

"Of course," he replied.

"Would you still hate me if I had taken you to the Deep Roads?" she asked, needing to know. "Do you think if I had, that would've changed anything between us?" She searched his eyes for the truth, knowing she'd see it there before it left his lips.

Carver sighed. "I don't hate you Marian. Do you really believe that?"

Hawke looked away, not wishing her brother to see the tears forming in her eyes. She saw Sebastian watching her from across the courtyard, and he gave her a curious glance as to the sadness in her expression. It appeared as if he were about to walk over to her, but she shook her head and gave him a small smile. He returned the gesture, which comforted her enough to face her brother again.

"Don't you?" she asked, unable to hide the sadness behind her words. "I've done nothing but let you down since you were born. I was hardly there for you growing up, and then after Father died..." she couldn't finish that thought, the pain of it all flooding to the surface. "I couldn't save him, or Bethany, or Mother... I didn't want to take you because I didn't want to lose you too. People I love keep dying Carver, and I couldn't... I just couldn't..."

Carver pulled her into an embrace as the tears fell, her release of all the pain she had been carrying causing her sobs to become near hysteric. He stroked her hair and held her tight, wishing he could take some of her pain away. "I have never hated you," he whispered in her ear, his own emotions surfacing as well. "Believe me when I tell you this, please."

The only image that stuck in her mind was the day she had returned from the Deep Roads; her brother in his Templar uniform and her mother begging for him not to join. She was so certain her brother hated her that day, and every day since, and even more so now that Leandra was gone. It was the last time the three of them were together. The last of her family.

Over and over she repeated apologies into his chest, and his heart ached for her. His sister had always carried such burdens, often unnecessarily, and he didn't know how to relieve her of such sadness. "You did everything within your power to save them all," Carver continued, trying to convince her. "It is not your fault. You must stop thinking this way. I don't understand why you punish yourself like this."

It's what she knew to be true. No matter what words he offered, or how much anyone could tell her otherwise, Hawke felt responsible for all of the loss in her life. If only she had done things differently, made one choice instead of the other, the rest of her family would still be alive.

She allowed the warmth of his embrace to sooth her for a few more minutes before pulling away. He wiped her cheeks with his thumb and kissed her forehead. "Please Marian," Carver repeated. "Stop this. You'll drive yourself mad."

Hawke managed a weak smile. "Perhaps I'm already there," she whispered in a teasing voice, though sometimes she wondered if she was on the brink of madness herself. Not wishing to completely ruin her first visit with Carver, she pushed down the remaining guilt and gathered what little strength she could find within herself. "I'm sorry, I didn't come here to get all mushy on you."

"Do so whenever you need," Carver stated, brushing the hair away from her face. "I will make sure I am available to you." He knew her better than she thought he did, because he knew this was just the beginning of her facing her guilt. Trying to lighten her mood, he flashed her a mischievous grin. "Would you like a tour of the inside of the Gallows?"

Hawke hit him playfully on the chest, but his plan had worked as she smiled. "I think I'll pass, being what I am and all," she replied. "You really do like it here though don't you?"

"I do," Carver admitted. "I can do good here. And keep you out of trouble in the process."

"My brother," she sighed, though finally coming around to his decision to join the Order. "I am so very proud of you. You will do good here, I'm sure of it."

"Just following in my sister's footsteps," he said honestly.

Dearest Father,

I had a good visit with Carver today, I'm sure you saw and I hope it made you happy. I know I was, finally facing my fears of seeing him and not being met with the hatred I thought I'd find. He seems to be doing well, really well, and you'd be proud of him I'm sure. I can't wait to share with the others how our meeting went. I think I'm facing our future sibling relationship with a happier heart than I was this morning.

I miss you. I know I've said it before, but I really do miss you. Seeing Carver always reminds me of you, the two of you so strong and yet so soft in how you've treated me. I was afraid he would hate me, but he proved to me today that he loves me, and has always loved me, and there is nothing more I could ever want from him. Knowing I still have him is a positive in my life that I need to hold on to, to help me through the darker times.

And then there's Sebastian. Maker help me, I have no idea what's happening there. The more time we spend together the less time I want to spend away from him. He came with me to see Carver, and then took me home, and never once does he have expectations of anything in return. He's easy to fall in love with Father, and I struggle against those feelings, because I know nothing good can come of them. His future is as unclear as mine is, as any of ours are, but still there's no denying something is happening.

We haven't discussed our feelings since the last time, when I confronted him on his feelings for me and how he no doubt felt they were a sin against the Maker. And while I expect him to make the next move, since he is the one fighting that war within himself, I find myself having the same trouble. Can I just give in? What harm would that do to him, or to myself?

A thought for another day I suppose. Goodnight Father.