Disclaimer: The show Victorious, it characters and other associated copyrights are property of someone else and not me.

Start from scratch

Chapter 24 – Life amongst the ruins

NO One's POV.

All Jade wanted to do was bury the pain and make it go away. She didn't want to talk about it, she didn't want to deal with it she just wanted to numb herself to it and make it go away. So Jade had started to build and emotional dam. Attempts to breach that dam, by Tori or Doctor Cortez were met with stiff resistance and sometimes anger.

So Tori coming in and announcing she had spoken to Dr. Cortez, naturally incurred the wrath of the Goth.

But it wasn't until that split second she saw herself in the mirror, fist raised, did Jade realize what hideous thing she was transforming into.

To her horror, Jade realized that she was essentially turning into Beck. Furthermore Jade realized that had she not seen herself in the mirror she may have really hurt Tori.

That combined with Tori's sudden icy demeanor, goading her into striking, burst Jade's emotional dam right there on the spot.

Jade spent the next hour sobbing uncontrollably as at pretty much the same time, she completely fell apart. The fact that Tori had left and not returned only made Jade feel more guilt ridden.

Even after she stopped crying, Jade was what could be best described as a "Basket case." Her emotions, memories and fears running around like hyper children on a playground.

She attempted to call Tori at this point but the Latina wasn't answering her phone. Jade then tried to leave a message, but found herself too choked up to speak.

Of all the emotions the two biggest and most overwhelming, were self-disgust and fear. Jade was utterly disgusted by her behavior, her uncontrollable urge to hit Tori during the argument. At the same time, it terrified her, as Jade feared she would do it again and not stop herself.

Alone in the apartment, Jade nervously paced back and forth. As she did, another fear began to grow, that Tori once again would abandon her. Thinking back, Jade concluded that she had been so wrapped up in herself she had never once thanked Tori for taking care of her.

For Jade it was a long and terrible evening, as she constantly bounced from despair to guilt to self-loathing to fear and back again.

At about 9:00 pm she again tried to call Tori, but there was no answer and Jade hung up without leaving a message.

Shortly after, exhausted by hours of emotional turmoil, collapsed on the couch and fell asleep.

Though she slept it was a very restless sleep. At one point she thought she Tori return, but wasn't sure if it was a dream.

In her dreams around 2:30, the events of the argument began to play out once again, except Jade found herself an unseen observer. She watched as her other self and Tori argued as they had, hours ago.

Finally the argument came to Tori's words,

"NO JADE, FUCK YOU, YOU ROTTEN INGRATE."

Jade watched in horror as her doppelganger grabbed Tori's shirt and then without hesitation, punched Tori in the face. The Latina's head snapped back and no sooner as she had recovered, was hit again.

"NO! STOP IT!" cried Jade to her double, but neither Tori nor the double could hear her.

Jade watched helplessly as again and again her double punched, kicked and brutalized, the now crying Latina.

"Jade, I just want to help you….Please."

As the nightmare continued, Jade became aware of subtle changes to her doubles appearance. With each punch, her double's voice became more like Beck's voice. With each kick her appearance changed just a bit more to look like Beck.

Jade wanted it to stop. She cried, pleaded and screamed, but in vain.

By now, Tori was a bloody bruised mess on the floor and her double was no longer her double.

The figure had transformed into a grinning version of Beck.

He punched Tori once more, then turned to Jade. "Thanks for setting me free babe!"

Now sobbing herself, Jade tried to stop Beck as he grabbed the beaten form of Tori by the hair, but she passed right through them.

Beck laughed and dragged the whimpering form of Tori into the bedroom. Jade tried to follow, but the door slammed shut in her face.

Through the door, Jade became aware of Tori's blood curdling screams. Jade tried to get in, but the door wouldn't budge. She banged, pounded and finally she threw her whole body against it. But while the screams continued, the door would not open.

Finally with a terrible crescendo, Tori's screams abruptly stopped and the door quickly swung open.

Stepping into the room, Jade saw Beck, looking very pleased with himself, as stood over Tori; who was half naked, beaten and dead.

Pulling up his pants, Beck chuckled. "Jade, I never knew you had it in you. I'm proud,damn proud."

Jade opened her mouth to speak, but Beck smiled and as he moved closer, seemed to merge or actually vanish into her body.

Now Jade was alone with Tori, who's sightless eyes seemed to gaze accusingly at her. It was a sight that struck terror in the Goth.

With a start, Jade woke up screaming, realizing she was simply having a nightmare.

Terrified and horribly shaken, Jade got off the couch and walked to Tori's door.

Knock, knock. "Tori?"

No response.

"Tori, please open the door... I...I have to see you. I had a nightmare. Just tell me you're ok. Are you there?" Pleaded Jade.

Though there was no reply, Jade noted the faint sound of someone shifting in or possibly sitting up on the bed. That was followed by brief sound of a floorboard creaking.

Jade, shaking like a leaf, began to cry. "Please answer me."

This time where was a response, but not quite the one Jade wanted.

In a weary and rather icy tone of voice, Jade could hear. "Go back to the couch Jade. You're a grown woman I'm sure someone who sees horror movies all the time can get over a simple nightmare"

Devastated, Jade wordlessly wiped her tears, moved back to the couch, where once again she fell into an exhausted sleep.

Jade woke up to a quiet apartment several hours later. Looking at the clock on the dvd player, she could see it was just after 11:30 Am.

Sitting up on the couch, Jade lowered her head and spontaneously began to cry. She was now sure she'd be kicked out and she'd let down the one person who cared.

Jade was still crying 10 minutes later, when there was a knock on the apartment door.

Almost mechanically,Jade got up and opened up the door, not even bothering to wipe her tears first.

Much to her surprise, it was Barbie.

The blonde on this morning was wearing tight pink shorts and a t-shirt that said. I will steal your girlfriend. She was also holding a to-go cup from the local Jetbrew.

"You look terrible." Deadpanned the blonde with the Ice blue eyes, as she walked past Jade into the apartment.

"Tor…Tori's not here, she's at work." Replied Jade, in a heartbroken voice.

"I know that" Barbie then handed Jade the cup of coffee. "Here, I guessed what you liked, so you got black with 2 sugars."

While Jade blankly looked at her coffee, Barbie sat down on the couch.

"I've never been to Tori's place, before. It's rather nice."

"Why are you here?"

Barbie shrugged. "Well if I came here to seduce you, I'd have you naked by now, so since you're still wearing clothes, I've come here to talk to you about Tori and last night. Talk some sense into you."

Jade sat down nervously on the other end of the couch and took a cautious sip of the coffee.

"For God's sake Jade, the coffee's fine."

As Jade took a second sip, Barbie leaned back and began to talk. "Tori was at my place last night. To be blunt, you scared her, you also made her feel pretty friggen worthless."

Jade lowered her head. "It doesn't matter, she's going to kick me out."

"Well for starters, I spent almost 3 hours last night talking with her, she's not going to kick you out. She's scared and horribly hurt, yes without a doubt. But she won't kick you out."

Jade shook her head in disbelief.

"You need to remember she feels so guilty about her failure to free you from Beck, plus her subsequent abandonment of you, she can't possibly even think of abandoning you. But even if that wasn't the case, I still don't think she would."

"I doubt that."

"Jade, she cares about you. She wants you to get better. Your failure to do so, she takes as her own failure."

"Why are you here Barbie, why come to me. You're Tori's friend."

Barbie got up and faced Jade on the couch. "Tori's a special girl, very special. Just seeing how caring and giving she is, not to mention all the crap she's taken from you, tells me she's not only special, she cares for you a lot. From what I know about you, underneath all that human wreckage, is probably a pretty special girl as well. I want her to be happy and I want you to be happy, but my immediate concern is that I think you both are at a very delicate state. You're emotionally a total wreck and Tori has retreated beneath a cold hard shell. She called me this morning about you having a nightmare and what she did. I think she handled it badly. I think at this point, with you in your state, there is a decent chance of one of you really hurting the other or one of you causing the other to do something…rash. I figured I could perhaps, help avoid any unpleasantness. "

"I don't want to hurt her, believe me." Jade suddenly becoming agitated got off the couch and started to pace. "I'm the one that forced her back in her shell. Me! Stupid fucking me. I hate cold Tori, it's just not her. I never wanted to hurt her or make her like that."

Barbie nodded." I believe you. Many abusers were abused themselves at one point. Your Beck for example, I'd bet his dad was probably pretty horrible to him. Not that it excuses his actions, but the cycle of violence must be broken. Also don't knock yourself too much about Tori, you need to remember this Ace Decade guy and your ex-friend Cat both burned her too, so you are not the only one to blame."

"I'm so messed up, I can barely think straight."

"Look Jade, I hate to say it but you don't have a monopoly on pain. Others who have been through worse, have come out alright and you can as well. Accept you need help, listen to Dr. Cortez, and let Tori help you. If you bury your feelings, try and ignore the pain, Tori will just keep trying to help until you both self-destruct. For now, just calm down, take a deep breath and start your journey, one step at a time. Am I making any sense here?"

"Yeah." Mumbled Jade.

"I know Dr. Cortez has given you some ideas and I'll give you one of my own. During your recovery you need to find something, to occupy your mind. Something to focus on. I had an uncle who when he was quitting drinking, needed something to focus on too. Oddly, he chose puzzles. When he'd get that itch to drink, he'd pull out a 2000 piece puzzle and work on it until he finished. By then the urge to drink had passed. It gave him, not only something to focus on but when he finished, a sense of achievement. Now you may think puzzles are stupid."

"They are!" Retorted Jade sharply.

"You don't have to pick puzzles, but find something to do, give yourself a project, a challenge. Something that will help you focus and will make you feel good when you're finished. It sounds kind of stupid, but as the saying goes, any old port in a storm."

Jade sat there for a moment mulling it all over. Finally she took a deep breath and said. "I think I understand. I need to pull myself together or I'll just pull down Tori with me."

"Yes. You can be happy, both be happy and together happy, but not like this."

"I'll do it, I'll do what needs to be done." It was something that Jade now truly meant, if not for her, but for Tori.

"That's good, but one warning. Tori's kind of very hurt right now, she's rather incased herself in that cold persona. I told you she won't kick you out, but she's not likely to be very nice to you, at least for a while. Understand?"

"Yes."

"Good, now that I've done my good deed for the day, I can spend the rest of it being downright devilish. Like the t-shirt says, I think I will steal some dude's girlfriend. I love bringing them over to the other team. Wouldn't be the first time…. I'll see myself out. You can do it Jade."

Feeling a sliver of hope, Jade nodded. "Thanks Barbie."

Once she had let herself out, Jade wondered where to start. Finally it came to her, the journal of how she felt, that Dr. Cortez told her to write. He explained that putting them onto paper will help put them in perspective.

Ignoring the fact that she still thought it was silly, Jade found a notebook, a pen, then started to write.

A journal of my feelings thoughts and whatever else that comes to mind. By Jade West.

Day 1…..

After writing a few sentence, Jade paused. "A project. Hmmmm….Something that suits me, not this current pathetic version of me, but the old me, when I was a force to be reckoned with, when my mere gaze struck terror in the hearts of anyone in my path.….what? "

Trying to get an idea, Jade looked around and spotted Tori's piano. It was then an idea began to take shape in Jade's head.

"That's it, that's what I can do."

Idea in mind, Jade sipped her coffee and returned to writing her journal.

Thanks to Invader Johnny.