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Chapter 25 – Thaw

Jade's POV.

Journal of my haunted head, by Jade West.

Day 33

I always thought diaries were stupid and the people who wrote them, rather insipid. I imagined them writing down their boring lives, as if it could possibly matter to anyone. But here look at me, writing down my life and I've done it for 33 days straight. I suppose I owe my fellow diary/journal writers and apology now. I won't though, screw them.

I have one notable exception, that of Anne Frank. To her and her alone, I apologize for my unkind words. The rest of you, can fuck off. I actually just finished reading her book. In group, they always stress that you're not alone in your misery and pain. Others have suffered in various ways and you can learn from that.

I'd been reading these other books that were recommended by Dr. Cortez, on surviving sexual assault and violence and decided to switch gears a bit. I wanted to see how she, under her circumstances coped with the horror around her. She was a victim of a different sort, but suffered no less than I, actually she suffered much more than I can ever imagine. But unlike so many others of her time, she retained her humanity, that's the one thing they could never take away from her.

But I digress, I've been writing my various thoughts, feelings and fears that run amuck in my head on a daily basis. It's all part of my throwing myself headlong into my recovery effort. It's not easy doing so. It's so much easier to sit on the couch, drink, watch horror films to try and numb the pain and trauma away.

I can't do that. If I do, not only will I go down the tubes, but I'll pull Tori down with me. I should be doing this all for myself, but a lot of my motivation comes from Tori. I'm doing it for her. Maybe that's the wrong reason, but fuck reason.

In case you haven't been following along in the last 33 days, not to mention why are you reading my journal anyway, I've since joined group therapy, do this journal on a daily basis, and have been reading up on coping on how to cope with sexual abuse and assault. I've even got some money from my parents and joined a health club where I work out at least 3 times a week.

I've also fully thrown myself, into my self-imposed project. I consider it part of my therapy and use it to stay focused. I can't say I've had much luck with it yet. I won't bore you with details, but it involves sorting through tons and tons of useless, boring, electronic garbage. I spend no less than 2 hours a day working on it. It's a mission, probably a futile one, but a mission none the less.

I do it for her.

I'm not sure if any of this junk is actually helping me. One thing is for sure, I'm too fucking busy, to have time to be a basket case.

Barbie was right about Tori; that she would be not very nice to me. I made it through the last of summer, its September 2nd today, feeling like I was in an ice age.

Tori's been cold to me, down right icy in fact. She hasn't given up on me, she lets me say, still cooks and cleans, but she hasn't said one single word to me since our argument, that she absolutely doesn't have to. I even started to offer to help clean and make dinner, but my offers were quickly and coldly turned down.

I think she's afraid I'll just slip back, get angry again. I'm still messed up, I still have nightmares, I still can't think of being touched, but I'm determined not to go backwards, not one single step. She just doesn't trust me and I know she's afraid of me.

The more I think of it, the more painful that knowledge becomes. I miss the old Tori more than ever and it only spurs me on to throw myself into this. We were actually dating before it all went to hell, now I'm I can't say back to square one, I'm more like at square, negative 30.

Though in the last few days she's been paying a bit more attention to me, covertly that is. I'm not sure why.

I have to start over from scratch with Tori.

My parents are supportive; now. Back in high school, I'd come home with bruises sometimes. When then noticed, which wasn't very often, I'd always give them these flimsy, bullshit excuses. I walked into a door, I tripped on the sidewalk, etc… In fact I would use the same excuse more than once and did they ever see through that? No, they were too wrapped up in their own lives to bother to even try to see through my bullshit.

Tori bothered to, my parents didn't….screw my parents.

So the ice age continues and though it's not all my fault, I do bear a great deal of guilt…..

"Jade!"

Realizing that Tori was addressing me, which happened rarely, I looked up from my journal. She had gotten home from work a few minutes before, but had said nothing to me then.

"You talking to me." I should have imitated Robert De Niro from Taxi Driver, but sadly I thought of it too late.

Tori who was standing a few feet from the couch where I was sitting, furrowed her eyebrows. "Is anyone else here named Jade?"

After looking around in an exaggerated fashion I shrugged. "Guess not, but let's face it, I'm not your favorite person to talk with right now, so I really wasn't sure. It's bad to make assumptions."

Shaking her head quickly, Tori turned and headed back to the kitchen. "Nevermind!"

"Come on Tori, what did you want? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so rude." I shouldn't have, this is pretty much the most she's said to me in a month and here I go acting like a jerk.

Tori paused in the doorway of the kitchen, her back facing me. "It was a long day at work, I just got home, I'm tired and don't feel like cooking."

"Do you want me to cook? I'm sure I could whip something up."

Tori answered, but her words were spoken just a bit slower and more deliberately. "I would like to go out to eat. Would you like to come with me?"

I was so stunned by what she said; I needed to hear it again. "I'm sorry what did you just say?"

Tori spun around, looking just a bit frustrated. "Do you or do you not want to go and get a bite to eat with me."

I think she's made in an effort to break through her shell and I'm not helping any. As much as it would please me, I can't give any snarky replies.

"Sure. Do you have a preference?" I said, as I got up and grabbed my purse.

With her normal and very guarded expression Tori then grabbed her purse. "I would like Italian. We can eat at that little place down the street, if that's ok with you."

"That's fine."

Nothing more to be said, we left the apartment and emerged on the street just as it was getting dark.

We started on our way, walking about 2 feet apart and saying nothing.

About halfway to the restaurant, the silence was becoming deafening.

"Nice night. It's cool, but not too cold." I said in a rather bland fashion.

"Yes it is."

"With the really cold winter, I expected the summer to be really hot. But it wasn't, hardly a day above 90."

"I thought it be hot too."

We were talking, but it felt horribly awkward. It actually kind of felt like, a really horrible first date. One of those ones, where you're checking our phone halfway through the date to see what your friends are up too, all the while you're looking for a back door that you can sneak out of.

We arrived at the restaurant, which was decorated as about a 1000 other Italian resturants in the US were,' with pictures of Rome, The Leaning tower of Pisa, The Italian Alps and the like. All of this of course, was to the sounds of Dean Martin singing, "Ain't that a kick in the head."

Soon we were seated and sitting across from each other in a booth. I looked calm but my head was swimming with guilt and a very unfamiliar fear of saying the wrong thing. She of course looked as cool as a cucumber.

Again the awkward silence returned and actually seemed to grow more oppressing by the second.

"How's Trina." I blurted out, needing to say something. That's how desperate I was to break this, asking about the most annoying person in the damn world.

"Still working at the hair salon, convinced she'll be discovered off the street."

"Like Lana Turner?"

"Pretty much. I liked Lana Turner in The Bad and the Beautiful."

I hated this conversation, it was a bland nothing conversation taking place to merely cover the fact that both of us were simply to chicken to say what was on our minds.

So I gathered all my courage, looked Tori in the eye's and said.

"Why am I here?"

Tori looked at me funny for a moment. "What do you mean, we're getting something to eat?"

"No, why am I here with you. You could have easily called Barbie. Look…before you answer that. Just let me talk. I screwed up and I screwed up badly. I blinded myself to the fact, that I had essentially betrayed myself and everything I stood for. But more importantly I hurt you, I scared you and I almost…"

No longer able to look her in the eyes I lowered my head in shame. "I'm sorry Tori. You were better to me that I deserved and I paid you back with grief."

That said, I just looked down at my placemat, which doubled as a map of Italy. I had no idea, if she'd respond at all or just leave.

After what felt like an eternity, I could hear Tori softly say. "I can see you've been really trying. I accept your apology Jade but to be honest, I still don't fully trust you."

I was still feeling quite horrible and found myself not able to look back up at Tori. Instead I found myself visually tracing the outline if Italy, on my placement.

"You're still scared of me as well."

"I'm not."

"You don't have to spare my feelings Tori. I know you still are. I can't blame you for still being scared or not trusting me. Now that I think of it I can't even blame you for giving up 3 years ago. You were angry and hurt. I deserved to be abandoned, for my own stupidity." I sadly lamented, as a wave of despair seemed to overwhelm me.

"Jade, look at me."

Still I couldn't get myself to look up and with my finger, traced the outline of Sicily.

"Please Jade, just look at me."

Slowly I managed to lift my head and look at her.

"Jade, don't say that. Please. I think we both need to stop torturing ourselves over it. To answer your original question, I just wanted to know how your therapy and efforts were going. It's extremely hard for me to show it right now, but I do care. It's taking pretty much all I have to even speak to you about it. I'm so used to retreating into my cold persona, its second nature. But as I said, I do care and I never stopped. You've been trying so hard, don't think I haven't noticed. I'm proud of you."

Hearing her praise I managed to smile faintly. My first smile in a very long time. "Thank you."

"You're welcome Jade. How is your group therapy going?"

"I've only gone 4 times, but it's interesting. They're all women like me, who have been battered abused by men and at least one case by a woman. This gal had a girlfriend with short temper and almost no self-control, it's a sad story. I listen to their stories and at the very least, it puts it into perspective. I've been working out, writing in my journal, reading, everything and anything that may help me put myself back together. "

Tori would have answered right away, but we were interrupted by the waiter who took our order. Finally making progress and I get interrupted, which quickly made my blood boil.

As soon as the waiter left, Tori looked at me with a worried expression. "What's wrong?"

"Look at me, I can barely control my emotions. We get one small interruption and my mood bounces from despair to anger in a heartbeat. You're right not to trust me." I cursed.

I then to calm myself down, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, exhaled and counted to 10. Dr. Cortez told me to do that.

After watching me for a second Tori paused as if she were choosing her words carefully. "You did get mad, but you right away, you used a relaxation technique and calmed yourself down. I'm sorry I had to say I don't fully trust you, but I had to be honest. But what I saw just now really shows me you're serious about getting better."

"I'm doing it for you Tori." I suddenly blurted, out without meaning too.

For a moment Tori paused, her lips partially open and for a moment a pained expression came to her face. "You should do it for yourself Jade."

"I owe you too much to not do this for you, besides….miss you….the old you…I liked our dates…." I then stopped speaking, as I was beginning ramble uncontrollably.

Tori smiled. "I'm flattered. I miss the old you as well and I liked our dates as well, but I think that's a conversation for another day. I'm sorry."

She was right and I had to admit it. "Don't be. I'm not ready and I know it. I just let my emotions get the best of me. Another day. But thank you for forcing yourself to be open. It's helped me get some of this stuff my chest and before I forget again. Thank you for everything you've done. I'll never be able to repay you."

"Just get better, be the old mean, snarky you and that's all the reward I want. Oh before I forget, you've been working on something else. I see you on your laptop, for 1 sometimes 2 or more hours each night. You're writing stuff down in a notebook. What's that?"

"It's self-imposed therapy at the suggestion of Barbie, a project I gave myself. At the moment, it's nothing and I really don't want to talk about it yet, as I may end up with nothing. No point in making a big deal out of it now. I will tell you when the time comes, I promise."

Tori nodded and after studying her I could tell she seemed to be wearing out, as if the efforts of breaking through her shell was taking a lot out of her. I felt a bit weary as well.

"I understand Jade, that's fine."

"I can tell you're tired, I'm too, we don't have to talk anymore. I know you'd like to retreat back into your shell for a while so to speak. We can just sit eat and maybe enjoy each other's company and some good Italian food."

Tori seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. "I'd like that. Thank you."

I nodded and we just stopped talking, and then ate our dinner in silence. I'd like to say all of that awkwardness between us was gone, but that simply wasn't the case. But it felt like a chunk of it had vanished, but a great deal of it still remained.

I described life with Tori as like living in an ice age, well it feels like the temperature just popped up a few degrees.

Well, there's finally the beginning of a thaw between the two and Jade is throwing herself into her recovery effort.

I do hope you like this chapter.