Disclaimer: The show Victorious, its characters and other associated copyrights are property of someone else and not me.

Start from scratch.

Chapter 39 – Hold me

Jade's POV

It's December now, the weather continues to get cold again and Tori and I have been officially dating for 17 days. The first 14 of them were wonderful. I felt alive again. Tori really cares about me and does her best to make me happy. I do my best to make her happy. I really feel something growing between us. We went on several dates out to dinner, we took walks at night holding hands, it was great.

But as I said the first 14 were wonderful. I didn't make mention of the last 3 days.

We had a problem, last Thursday. It was something I was afraid of happening, a fear that hung constantly in the back of my mind.

It was later in the evening around 9:30 and we were cuddled on the couch watching Orange is the new Black. When the show ended, Tori turned and started to kiss me.

Now up to this point, I'll tell you that that's all we've done; kissed and had a few make out sessions on the couch. Tori not once, has pressured me to go any further.

That thought both excites and scares me. Let's face it my experience with Beck has scarred me and I'm scared I can't function as a lover anymore. I haven't voiced this with Tori or even in therapy. I've read that some women who are raped find themselves unable to have normal sexual relationships afterward.

I'm afraid that I'll be not the person she wants me to be. I know we've been through a lot and she truly cares for me and my fears may simply be irrational, but they are very real to me.

She had started to kiss me slow at first. She'd kiss for a few seconds and break away, then kiss for a few more. We'd done a lot of that since we started dating. But that night, her kisses became longer and longer.

I could feel my heart beating with each kiss felt more and more aroused. Each kiss she gave me was welcomed and returned with vigor as the moment got more heated.

Soon the kiss between us was deep and full of passion and at that moment I felt like it was starting to run away from us. I could have stopped it then and there, but part of me wanted it to run away.

After a half an hour she broke the kiss and started to work her way down my neck. I love having my neck kissed and I purred with pleasure.

Just then as the moment got more heated, Tori reached under my t-shirt and began to fondly my ever hardening nipples. I was not wearing a bra.

But without knowing it, Tori triggered something inside me. I liked having her fondle my breasts and was about to take off my shirt when she playfully pinched one.

That was something Beck did, a lot. Only he'd pinch hard. I remember his taunting laugh when he did it was just a part of his cruelty.

Right then and there I had a horrible flashback to the day several months ago when he raped me. Instantly starting to freak out, I screamed and literally bolted off the couch and retreated into the corner.

Naturally upset, Tori ran to me, to see what was wrong. "Jade are you ok?"

But as she spoke, she touched me on the shoulder, and I recoiled instantly. "Don't touch me. Don't touch me."

Tori had begun to cry, but I was too busy freaking to really pay attention. "Jade, what's wrong?"

"You pinched me, Beck pinched me like that, he'd laugh. Just go away and leave me alone." I said, now crying myself.

"Jade, I want to help you."

I had been set off and I didn't want Tori around. Partially because I really wanted to be alone, partially to protect her from anything I may do or say.

"Jade please?"

"Leave me alone!" I roared.

Only then did the sobbing Latina, get up and go into her room. For the rest of the night, Tori left me alone and remained in her room.

I cowered and freaked out in the corner for at least a half an hour before returning to the couch. By then, I was a giant mess as my insecurities, anxieties and fears all came boiling to the surface. Could I ever be a lover again, would Tori want me, was I broken and could I ever be fixed.

At the same time, I was also deeply ashamed and embarrassed for my sudden freak out. I don't know how I could face her. Could we even think of moving forward, I simply didn't know.

The next morning, I woke to the sounds of her in the kitchen eating breakfast. Normally I would poke my head in and say hello or get some coffee. Instead I went straight into the bathroom.

She worked both jobs that day so I knew I'd not see her to the next morning.

By the next day I was depressed, but outwardly showed it as anger. Tori decided to leave me alone and stayed in her room until she had to leave for work. I don't think we said more than 5 words to each other the whole day.

Just a week ago, Barbie and Cat took us out to announce not only they were dating but officially girlfriend and girlfriend. It was fast, but just the way they looked at each other, it was obvious that those two had really connected. I'll admit I was jealous of them and their newfound closeness.

When we were alone, I asked Barbie, how much of a change it would be from her single life of going from girl to girl. She said.

"I loved the exciting life, but I was lonely. A lot more lonely then I realized. It's like when you do something strenuous all day, like work in a garden, only when you finally sit down to you really realize how tired you actually were. Only when I met Cat, realized how sweet, kind and funny she was, did I realize how lonely I truly was."

They're happy but we are not and now I'm afraid of what the future holds or doesn't hold.

Now it's Sunday morning and I sit here on the couch wondering what will come next, if there is a next. It's just after 10 and Tori's asleep, but she'll wake soon.

I'm thinking about it a few minutes later when I hear Tori's door open.

Looking over I could see her standing in the doorway, looking somewhat nervous, which only made me feel worse.

"Jade? Can we talk?"

I nodded and motioned to the couch and she quickly sat down, leaving at least 2 feet between us.

"Look Vega, I'm sorry, I know you didn't mean to set me off, but that one little thing triggered a flashback."

Tori nodded. "I'm sorry too. I got carried away and didn't think about how you felt. In fact I don't think we've ever discussed how far we go and how fast. I think I just kept putting it off."

"It's not all your fault, I should have stopped it too. I could have talked about it too."

Tori ran her hand through her hair. "Jade please tell me, what are you thinking, feeling."

I got up and walked to the window and looked out onto the street. "Once and a while I feel like Jade, but most days I'm this wreck of a person who once was Jade. Beck ruined me. You've said you have faith in us and I'm sorry, but a lot of days I can't. I had worried about my inadequacies; if I could be your lover. If you and I can be in a committed relationship. Our incident, scared me, in more than one way. I'm sorry Tori."

I wasn't looking at Tori when I said what I just said, I simply couldn't get up the courage to do it. I waited for a response but instead there was a silence, that only made my heart fall.

But then I felt a pair of arms reach around me as Tori hugged me from behind , putting her head on my shoulder.

"Jade, I'm not sure if this is the right thing to say, but here goes. You've been staying with me, for almost 10 months now. Baring that one month where you were away. But I that time we've been through so much. Come to depend on each other. We care about each other so very much and both are committed to make this work. Despite your lack of faith, I know it's what you want more than anything. Am I right?"

She had read my mind and that in addition to the hug meant the world to me. "Yes."

"Jade" Tori whispered in my ear. "We already are in a committed relationship and have been for a while. Granted our feelings are developing and we haven't expressed much physical, but as I see it, we are already together. I have a confession, I've already think of you as my girlfriend. I don't want anyone else. You don't want anyone else. Things aren't perfect and we have a ways to go, but we are already together as a couple. I won't say anything I'm not sure of right now, but Jade you don't have to worry about not getting me to commit. I already have and don't ever want to let go."

My heart suddenly beating faster, I turned around as this overwhelming surge of emotion charged through me. Looking at her eyes, I could see just how much she cared for me and how she meant every word.

Bursting into tears, I through my arms around he and cried uncontrollably. I just kept sobbing and sobbing all the while she gently rubbed circles on my back. She made me felt safe, wanted and I dare say loved, though she never actually said it.

"We've worked through so much Jade already, we'll work through this. I promise you."

She eased me to the couch and held me while I cried a bit longer. Finally I stopped, content to let her hold me.

"So Jade, who's your girlfriend? The one who will stick by you thick and thin and cares about you so very much."

"You are." I said quietly.

"And you're my girlfriend. I know you'd walk through fire for me and you've damn nearly done that. Look we're on no time table, we take things on our own pace. No rush, no expectations, just two women who are deeply committed to each other. Face it West, you're stuck with me."

Only then did I laugh. "Vega, you have such succinct way of putting things sometimes. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, what?"

"Can you just hold me for a while?"

I could feel myself being pulled in closer and a gentle kiss was planted on my head. "Always."