Chapter Five:
The view was radiant- the beginning of an end. A star, reaching the end of its life. No more hydrogen to convert to other elements, Helium, in the case of Earth's sun. A great expansion, in search of fuel, a vague, desperate attempt to cling on to life just a little longer- destroying the lonely planet down there below them in the process.
Every atom, every proton and electron and neutron in between, in this star, would be recycled. To form a nebula, which would in turn birth new stars. Or they would condense, forming dust and rock, which would gravitate together, and planets would form. Planets in which someday, there might be life.
Knowing this, it was far too easy to look at the girl beside him and believe she was made of star dust.
This girl, with her amber eyes and fair skin and yellow hair- and all the colours in between, was most definitely a star. A star, he felt had to be moving further away from him, for all that her light reached him. It was too much- surely, like the planet below- she would expand, consume him in her path and he would burn.
He knew burning. Had felt liquid fire course through his veins and force change upon his body. Force his very molecular structure to disintegrate and reform in a coded mess of DNA, alleles fighting for dominance. Time Lord DNA was very complex after all, being able to support the regeneration process.
He had felt burning. But never like this.
She would laugh, and he would feel the heat in his bones.
A word escaping her lips meant a breath entering his, lungs needy for the air surrounding them. Often, he could taste her. All those chemicals reacting and acting upon others in her body, keeping her alive.
A touch, her hand in his, her head against his shoulder, her arms around his back, and he was on fire.
He had brought her to the end of her world.
She had brought him to the end of him, for surely he would be unable to function should she leave.
She stood, the fiery sun her backdrop, and he was in awe. Passably, he could claim it was what she was seeing, what she thought he was seeing, that had him speechless.
You're getting too attached.
Yes. Yes he was. But he couldn't seem to bring himself to care. Instead he found himself drawn to her, like a moth to flame. It was elemental, a gravitational pull to be near her, an electron attached to a proton- stabilising them both.
Or maybe just you.
He had never felt this before. Sure, he had cared for all his companions, felt their presence like a warmth in his hearts during their time together, mourned their departure. But nothing like this. This pure heat coursing through his soul that told him that if it left he would be far, far too cold to function again.
He couldn't lose her.
He wouldn't lose her.
He had almost lost her.
She had been trapped, stuck in a tiny room with an expanding sun and he couldn't get to her- couldn't shield her from those harmful UV rays. Solar light was more than warmth. It was radiation, it was particles so toxic to life that logically the simple lack of shielding in some of the room should have been enough to kill her, light or no light.
But she was alive.
Because of him.
She was in danger in the first place because of you.
It had been a simple task really, in any other circumstance. A simple instruction delivered to the main processor completely bypassing the translation unit. An order to raise the shield was easy, despite the interference present. What made it difficult was her. Her shouting, her panic-
Her life.
He had panicked, making his motions slow despite the adrenaline burning through his systems. She had barely survived. He had never been so relieved. He had taken lives before, felt its essence leave their bodies in frightful clarity. He had enjoyed the feel of them under his hands, their nails piercing his skin. It made him feel alive. Made him feel stable.
He reasoned, that the lives he saved outweighed the lives he didn't. He didn't like it, he didn't stop though. In some ways, he could forgive himself.
If he killed her he would never forgive himself.
He felt no remorse killing Cassandra.
Everything has a time to die, and hers was long overdue. Like the Earth that had been behind them, like the sun that still was- everything had its end, and everything died. He simply did what natural processes had failed to do.
He did, however feel remorse for upsetting Rose, as she had made clear that night.
"You killed her." It was soft, raw. She looked at him warily, her body language closed and tense.
"I did." He was the opposite. Stern, but open. He would not make her scared of him, if he could avoid it.
"Why? You could've helped her."
"Everything dies Rose."
"Even you?" It was pointed, but curious. He rationalised that to her, he was an alien.
"Especially me."
Rose looked at him, eyes on his. Slowly, her hand reached out and grasped his own, fingers entwining through his. He let out a breath.
"Thank you, for saving me today."
Oh Rose.
"Thank you."
"For what?" She wet her lips, face leaning forward ever so slightly. Her thumb traced circles on the back of his hand, what she could reach anyway.
"For doing the same thing."
Her eyes widened, and she leaned back slightly. He mused, that to her, she had done nothing.
Never before had doing nothing been so powerful.
She was silent, staring at him with such thoughtfulness that he almost had the urge to shy away and hide himself from view, lest she discover just how much of a monster he was.
She'll figure it out eventually.
But not yet, he told himself- the words holding him together at his torn seams.
For now, he was content to keep the silence and stare at their joined hands, letting the peace of her presence wash over him.
The next day relative to the last, came far too quickly for his fragile mind. He was cramped under the console, muttering under his breath as a particularly difficult bolt refused to come undone. Rose had gone to bed several hours ago, leaving him alone to his thoughts. Needless to say, the destruction around him was proof that they were not good ones. It had started. He'd felt the tightening in his chest, the crawling of his skin. Felt the way his hands moved with tiny tremors. Felt the way his blood coursed through his veins, far too fast to be healthy.
Flashes of fire, of intense burning and heat. Images of friends, of family. Of him. And worst of all. He felt it. Felt the way his body tensed. How his mind itched.
You want to kill again.
He had felt the adrenaline leaving his body after the day's events. Felt how his hormone levels dipped and fell back to normal, his body calming.
His mind craving.
Since then, he'd responded with vain attempts at console repair. However, there had been nothing broken. Soon enough there was.
There always is, with you involved.
He could only imagine what Rose would think, emerging from her room in peace, to witness the destruction that lay around him. Soon, she would catch on. But he couldn't let her.
He had to get out.
Had to leave, get some of this tension out of his system before she came back because who knew what he would do to her- Rose, with her rosy lips, and silky skin and—
No. He wouldn't.
He couldn't.
Decision made, he dragged himself from the console, detangling his limbs from the mess of wires and broken metal around him. He had to leave.
Setting the coordinates to a system in Genesis 8, he raced to the door- wrenching it open in one swift movement and-
Air.
He felt it in his lungs- the way they dilated to consume more air, more precious oxygen.
He was free, the hustle and bustle of a crowded city filling him with an immense euphoria.
His eyes scanned the area, taking in the crowd, the way they moved as one. A hive mind of species going about their daily life.
He paused, feeling the way his muscles ached, the way his body was coiled and tense. His fingers twitched, and his gaze fell on an Edonian- a race known for its brutality. He watched as the Edonian broke away from the crowd, turning down an alley way. It would be so easy.
He shouldn't do this.
Don't do this.
It sounded strangely like Rose, as though she was standing next to him, whispering words in his ear.
You don't have to do this.
The thought of Rose, sleeping back in her room, her soft face relaxed in peace- made him tense. If he didn't do this now, how could he keep her safe from him?
He had to do it.
A/N:
So, I wanted it longer, but I'm about to leave for a trip to America with some friends in a few hours, and I wanted to post something since I'll be gone for 20 days.
Hope you're all well. xx
-Does It Say Sass On My Uniform.