Expecting the Unexpected and Living the Unlived
4 September 3020, of the Third Age
12 Halimath 1420, Shire-Reckoning Time...
I sang as I sewed patches onto a quilt for Rosie, since we'd recently heard from Sam that she was expecting a baby, most likely to be a boy. After Sam and Rosie had quietly separated themselves from us, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and I began to lead a quieter, more normal life. Merry often took Pippin and I on long walks deep into the Shire, ignoring the gaze of the disapproving hobbits, and often secretly led the hobbit-children in lessons on sword fighting. They loved it, and Pippin and I loved it too.
Merry sometimes joined us with ponies, and we fought horseback, leaving the children in absolute awe, as we told the stories of how we got our ponies and named them (Merry's was Éomer, Pippin's was Faramir, and mine was Minas, short for Minas Tirith). Other days, Pippin, Merry, and I would engage in thunderous horse- or foot-races across the Shire, from Hobbiton clear across to the Old Forest. Or we'd chat in memory about the things we were doing two years ago as we made our incredible journey, and when we weren't enjoying ourselves we were doing hobbit-like sorts of things.
The neighbors were terribly glad we hadn't lost all hobbit sense.
Sam continued to tend Bag End's garden, and come for visits, but mostly stayed with Rosie, who needed a lot of help. I helped the new family in their hobbit hole, one they'd bought shortly after being married, cooking and cleaning and decorating, or such things. It helped to keep me busy and I enjoyed being a hobbit again, save when Rosie felt the need for me to wear a dress or I felt the need for an exciting swordfight with Merry and Pippin, something they could not resist. But, since Sam and Rosie were married, it meant they led separate lives away from Merry, Pippin, Frodo and I. It meant our companionship had been subtly divided. First by Frodo's distance and now by Sam.
As my birthday approached slowly, and I began to get a feel for the comfortable life in the Shire again, I realized how much I missed Rosie and Sam, even when I was at their hole. And even Frodo, though he was ill often, tried his best to lead a normal life, and we continued to go the Green Dragon weekly for a relaxing evening of singing and dancing.
Rosie, unhappy at the prospect of having to stay home, allowed me to borrow her barmaid's gown and take over her duties serving customers as well as sing for them. The boys thought me a bit young for it, but since I was so responsible and prompt, the owner of the Green Dragon let me work there. Secretly, though, the only reason I think Rosie let me do it was because I was getting a feel for my feminine side again. "She's not living with boys so she doesn't need to act like one," I could picture her sigh, holding her expanding belly. "She's becoming a girl again, beginning to settle down and become a hobbit, thank goodness!"
23 September 3020, of the Third Age
2 Winterfilth 1420, Shire-Reckoning Time...
The morning of my 29th birthday, the first birthday that we had celebrated in two years, Pippin woke me urgently. "Come on!" He said, coughing as he had been the last week, smiling, and leading me to the kitchen where Frodo and Merry were waiting with breakfast.
"Sam and Rosie brought you presents as well," Frodo said. "And…here…"
He stuffed packages in my hands and I opened them each quickly; a new pen and inkwell from Merry, a new dress (from Rosie, of course), a rack to mount my sword and new belt to hold it, from Sam. Frodo gave me some pairs of pants and boys' shirts ("Don't tell Rosie," he said) and Pippin bought me stacks of paper, hand-drawn with music staffs, to record songs as I wrote them.
After breakfast, and after I'd led a chorus of "Happy Birthday," I invited Pippin to come outside with me for a while.
"Let's go for a walk," I said, actually wearing a blue dress (but not the corset), and Pippin excitedly said yes.
We walked through the Shire together, our swords belted to our waists, our elven cloaks fastened with brooches our shoulders and avoiding the stares everyone gave us. I looked longingly down the road we'd trod many times with Merry…past the field where we'd stolen the fat ponies for a ride before Bilbo's party; the very same road which led to Maggot's farm and beyond. Sitting in a patch of grass, I sighed and let my head fall back, feeling the cool breeze as autumn warned of its ending. I leaned back and let the wind pick up the ends of my hair and blow it around.
Pippin watched silently as a V of birds flew past and he laid back in the grass with his arms behind his head. He coughed a few times and sighed. "I love the Shire, Mandy. I really do love it here. I'm so happy we're home, together, but it's strangely sad, too. Everything is changing now."
"I know, Pippin," I said softly, lying back with him. He rested his head next to mine and shook with shivers even though he had his Lórien cloak wrapped around him.
We stared up at the blue sky together, Pippin resting a hand on his stomach and I on my side, where my wound was still stinging. Time could not heal everything, I supposed. We were all still waiting for that.
Pippin whistled a little tune and then sighed again, trembling with a few hollow coughs. "This looks familiar, oddly familiar," he said, and began a song; his song, my song.
"Home is behind, the world ahead…"
His other hand, resting in the grass, found mine, and we edged closer together. Best friends were we forever, come what may. He laced our fingers together and smiled at the clear, blue sky.
25 March 3021, of the Third Age
3 Astron 1421, Shire-Reckoning Time...
Rosie's baby came at last, at the end of March. Frodo was feeling ill and sat at his desk all day, troubled with memories, but that was normal, since it was the anniversary of some terror four years before.
I'd stayed with Sam and Rosie for nearly a week as she waited for her baby, just as a precaution, since Sam did not know what to do. Their baby came in the early morning hours. I was exhausted, having rushed for clean towels and coaxing Rosie who was terrified and in pain, and terrifying me. The boys paced in the other room, asking questions till I shooed them away, and appreciated it greatly when Diamond and Lily came to help as well. Suddenly it didn't seem like we had to hate each other for our differences; we were all girls helping a dear friend with her baby. We exchanged smiles when the girl finally came, and I was thrilled to be the first to hold her.
"Sam," I called softly, "it's a girl…" and handed her to Rosie.
"Now we need a name for her," Sam groaned from the next room, calling on Frodo. "Since we were gonna name him 'Frodo,' and 'cause it's not a he, well, I guess you should name her…"
Frodo smiled, but painfully, at the little girl, whose golden hair had attracted a name to him. "Elanor," he said. "After the beautiful golden flowers in Lothlórien."
It was common knowledge that hobbits named their girls often after flowers, and so we were able to keep to that tradition, although explaining what flower Elanor was and where it came from would take some difficulty and angry glances from bewildered hobbits.
Sam promised me I would name their next baby, whatever it might be.
"Welcome, little stranger," I cooed, when Rosie came to call as soon as she was feeling strong again. She let me hold the baby, and Elanor blinked with big beautiful brown eyes, smiling toothlessly at me and at her mother.
"Oh, she's so cute, Rosie," I said with a smile. "Why, I hope my children…" Then I paused. Seeing Rosie in childbirth was enough to scare me out of thinking of having children. The blood, the pain, the agony, the fear!
"You," she said, "You're almost of age—you'll be 30 soon! And you haven't even set eyes on any boys except for Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin. You spent thirteen months with no one except men and still you act as though they are a foreign language to you. How on earth you expect to have children without a boy to settle down with is beyond this good earth, and beyond my mind, let me tell you."
I blushed, thinking of eligible boys I could "settle down" with, and she caught sight of it. It was true, I'd spent over a year with men and I was no closer to finding one than Elanor was. No normal hobbit boy would care that I was a Guard of the Citadel, or a noble knight of Gondor, or a defender of the Ringbearer, or one of the saviors of Middle-Earth. No other hobbit but the ones I'd spent time with would understand what I had gone through, and would probably be forewarned by their parents that there was something wrong with me. I did not, of course, explain this to Rosie, for she would say something about how she accepted Sam as he was, though in the Shire, boys going to war and girls going to war was very different. I just nodded nonchalantly at Rosie, who nodded back, satisfied that her words had made some impact on me.
Life did in a way return to normalcy. Rosie and Sam, who wanted to live their lives, often called on Pippin and I to watch over Elanor, and we together watched her grow, as well as each other. I knew I could and probably never, ever fall in love with Merry or Pippin, since we were closer than siblings and had been through a lot, more than any other boy could go through.
But, I couldn't help but admire Pippin's noble spirit, and his expressive eyes, and his singing voice, though when I looked at Frodo, his bright blue eyes and his courage, all thoughts of Pippin fled and I could only feel my warm face and kicking heart.
All Turns to Silver Glass, A light on the Water, and Grey Ships Pass Into the West
29 September 3021, and the Beginning of the Fourth Age
7 Halimath 1421, Shire-Reckoning Time...
Sam and Rosie were expecting another baby the day the carriage arrived for Frodo, bearing his cousin Bilbo. We saw him run to Bilbo and we gathered up our ponies, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and I, and rode in front of it. We had heard little of this latest journey, but we all anticipated it, hearing rumors that the last ship to leave Middle-Earth would carry over the last of the elves and were giving Bilbo a remarkable honor. He would live his last days in peace and comfort, after his great adventure and bearing the Ring.
At a pier, where the surrounding buildings reminded me of Rivendell, a gray ship waited, and gulls called. Pippin, Merry, Sam, and I tied our ponies to a post and trembled in the breeze, awaiting our chance to say a farewell to Bilbo. Though I knew I must have met him as a young hobbit, my cheeks and eyes still held sorrow, like we had just met and now I had to say good-bye to him forever.
A greatly aged Bilbo, much different from the one I'd shook hands with four years earlier, stepped out of his carriage, accompanied by Frodo. Beside the ship stood four tall figures; Gandalf, Galadriel, Celeborn, and Elrond.
"The power of the three Rings is ended. The time has come for the Dominion of Men." She looked to Elrond, who looked down upon Bilbo and then out at the sea.
Elrond said a few quiet words in elvish, and held his arm out to the ship.
"Well," Bilbo said cheerfully, turning to face the five of us hobbits. "I think…I'm quite ready for another adventure." Without looking back, he approached the ship, hobbling to the pier where Elrond took his hand. I turned to Frodo in question, who stared straight ahead.
"The sea calls us home," Elrond translated, as he aided Bilbo in boarding. Galadriel and Celeborn followed him, with a final blessing smile at us.
Gandalf stood above us, and suddenly a pain shot through my chest as he leaned on his staff. "Farewell, my brave hobbits. My work is now finished. Here at last, on the shores of the sea comes the end of our Fellowship."
I opened my mouth, but couldn't speak, for tears were spilling, and spilling fast. Pippin linked his arm in mine and I could hear him sniffling, as was Sam and Merry. Only Frodo was strangely calm. Did he not understand that our dearest friend Gandalf was once again leaving us?
"I do not say 'do not weep' for not all tears are an evil," Gandalf said sadly, looking down at us. Then he looked at Frodo and nodded. "It is time, Frodo."
I looked at Frodo in surprise. "What does he mean?" Sam asked fearfully.
Suddenly I felt the need to run away, to escape, to run far, far away… the tears came faster. Surely, not Frodo?
"We set out to save the Shire, Sam," Frodo said softly. "And it has been saved…but not for me."
Sam was weeping now, staring at Frodo. "You can't mean that!" He howled. "You can't leave!"
Merry hid his face under his hand and Pippin sobbed, holding me close to him. I couldn't take my eyes off Frodo.
"There's so much to care about still," I sobbed. "There's your kin, the Shire, the world you saved! Stop escaping your pain, stop running away, you can't just leave, Frodo! You can't…" I couldn't say any more and shook, my head burying itself into Pippin's shoulder. It was difficult to breathe; my chest was throbbing as sobs caught in my throat and rattled my body. Frodo bent near me but I closed myself in away from him. "Just came to say goodbye," I said softly.
He put a hand on my shoulder and I lifted my head. With his other hand, he led me to him and looked me in the eye.
"I don't mean to hurt you any more," he said in a whisper. "And especially not myself. But I cannot stay, I cannot linger here. You don't want to watch me die…" He paused as my eyes grew weak and helpless, and tears came. "I don't expect you to understand…you did not bear the Ring. Only one other could understand this burden." He looked at me one last time and walked to Sam, handing him the Red Book; Bilbo's stories and his.
"The last pages are for you Sam," he said. He gave him a sorrowful look, and turned to all of us. Silently, he hugged Merry, then Pippin, and me. He stood before Sam last, and placing a hand on his cheek, kissed his brow. Pippin, Merry, and I were still sobbing as Frodo turned back and gazed at me, walking back slowly.
"Why do you weep?" He asked as he lifted my chin with his hand. "What are these tears upon your face?"
A single tear fell down my cheek as he shut his eyes and kissed my forehead, and took my hand, squeezing it, bending down and kissing the tear from my face. "Goodbye," he said. "Farewell."
As he turned away, I took a step forward. My words were blurred by tears. I was thinking of Merry's words in Fangorn. I felt my chin trembling as Frodo stopped again, turning back with a look of confusion.
"Don't say we've come to the end," I said. I had to turn away from him, heart pounding, as he boarded the ship and smiled broadly at each of us. "Goodbye," I repeated in a murmur. "Farewell."
As the ship grew smaller, the tears continued to fall, and the pain in my heart grew. I sang, knowing Frodo would never hear me, but I believed and hoped, with all my heart.
"Hope fades, into the world of night…
But we will meet again, Frodo.
You'll be in my arms…safely…just sleeping…"
After all that we'd been through, I could not shake off the thought that Frodo was gone forever. For ages, it seemed, Sam and I stood silently on the pier, sobbing together. Merry and Pippin had to turn away, to go home, for Pippin was feeling ill, though I paid that no mind.
"Curse and damn these consequences!" Sam shouted at the white gulls. "Why do you call him?" He broke down into tears again and opened Bilbo's and Frodo's book of memoirs, sitting down on a small stone wall next to me. I tried comforting him, but sorrow engulfed me again, and I hung my head, sobbing without seeing anything and without feeling anything but the emptiness of my heart and the warm, wet tears.
It took a little while, but eventually Sam got to his feet, wiped his eyes, and held his hand out to me. We mounted our ponies, riding in silence, allowing the tears to fall, and allowing the pain to overwhelm us.
We reached Sam's home, where Rosie was waiting with little Elanor. She ran to my pony and pulled on my skirt, waving shyly. I hopped off slowly and wrapped my arms around her, leading her, hand-in-hand, to where Rosie and Sam waited. Sam kissed his wife and picked Elanor up, looking out over the horizon, and down at me.
"Well, I'm back," he said.