Dearest Father,

Varric visited me this morning with concern regarding Anders. Rumors of the clinic being closed, Anders disappearing for weeks at a time, drastic behavioral changes… I'm well aware that he has grown more distant over the years, but I didn't know that he was hardly seeing patients at all. Meredith has cracked down on the mages since the Viscount's death, so I had assumed Anders was simply trying to lay low for a while and stay out of trouble.

So at the behest of Varric, I went to check on Anders. Upon entering the clinic, I ended up walking right into the middle of a fight between him and Aveline. He accused Aveline and the city guard of being another arm of the Templars. Said that if they showed up at his clinic, he was blaming her. Aveline would never do such a thing. Regardless of their disagreements, she knows I wouldn't stand for any of my friends being threatened. If anything, she's been looking out for him, so this attack from him concerned me. Aveline walked right past me in a huff; I could see she was upset, and with good reason.

Anders apologized to me for their fight, said he didn't mean for me to see it. I wasn't the one he should've apologized to, but before I could tell him that, he went on to say that things have become out of control since Meredith has taken over the city. I asked him if he was in trouble, if anyone had come for him. He said so far he hadn't been threatened, but the mage underground he was working with was all but destroyed, the few remaining members resorting to blood magic to survive.

Unfortunately those actions only prove Meredith isn't wrong, and I told him as much. His defense was the Blight, and how it was stopped by two mages, one being an apostate. I don't see how that had anything to do with mages in Kirkwall turning to blood magic. I got the feeling he was trying to defend their actions, and that concerns me. My fear grew as he continued by saying something catastrophic would need to happen in order to stop Meredith and the Chantry from cracking down on mages.

Thankfully he changed the topic quickly, said that he was grateful I had come to visit because he needed my help with something. Apparently his seclusion over the last few years was largely in part because he was studying Tevinter magic, trying to find a way to separate himself from Justice. This was the first positive thing I had heard from him in a long time, a first step in a right direction to improve his quality of life. I know Justice is such a burden on him, and I was more than willing to help him in whatever way I could. He admitted that what they did was unnatural, that he can't possibly be expected to help mages when he himself is a near abomination.

I wasted no time in this; we left immediately, picking up Fenris and Varric along the way to set out and collect the ingredients Anders needed. Fenris wasn't too happy that Anders was resorting to potions created by Tevinter Magisters, but I didn't care. If it would free Anders from Justice and didn't require blood magic, I didn't see the harm in it at all. Until I found out what getting the ingredients would entail.

Picking through feces and urine from the sewers was not my idea of a good time by any means. Thank you Father, for never teaching me alchemy. Disgusting as it was, at least Anders did most of the digging to find what he was looking for. And as much as I despise the Bone Pit, it was a welcome change from the stench the sewers left on my clothes. It took most of the day to gather everything Anders needed, so we agreed to meet up again tomorrow to discuss what happens next.

I admit I am a bit nervous about what's to come. Anders asked that I come alone, that he has one more favor to ask. I'm assuming since this does involve Tevinter magic that maybe he doesn't want Fenris around for further arguing, or Varric since they didn't seem to get along well today. Varric tried several times to get Anders to laugh, even pulled out some Templar jokes, but Anders wasn't in the mood. He certainly has changed, but maybe he too is just nervous. I can't imagine what it'll be like for him to be apart from Justice, and maybe he's worried things won't turn out like he hopes. He admitted that this potion is dangerous, but if that's true, I wish to have some support with me should things go wrong.

I suppose I won't know until tomorrow.

It was odd feeling, being in the clinic of Darktown so early in the morning. Hawke had used the passage from the estate to the undercity with the hope of avoiding the early crowds in the markets. Being Champion had its disadvantages; everyone in the city knew her now, and she feared that with every step she took, someone was always watching. Even though she was given the title by the Knight-Commander, that didn't mean Meredith approved of her apostate status. It would do Anders no good to draw more attention to him, so the secret passage was her preferred method when travelling to Darktown.

Anders locked the door after she entered. What once was an open clinic to all in need had now become somewhat of a prison, of Anders own making. Hawke felt guilty at times, knowing she could walk the streets of Hightown while he was forced to hide. But still she remained hopeful; perhaps this potion would be a success, and with Justice out of the equation, Anders may prove himself worthy of some freedoms as she had.

"I appreciate you coming," Anders said when he turned to face her. "There is one more thing I must ask of you Hawke, but I can't tell you my reasons behind it."

Hawke studied his expression. "Go on," she asked cautiously.

"I must get inside the Chantry," he told her. "Preferably without being seen. And then if you can, distract the Grand Cleric for me. Talk to her for a few minutes, so I can do what must be done."

An uneasy feeling began to come over her. "We could use the passageway back to the estate and then reach the Chantry from there," she said. "But what exactly do you want me to talk to Elthina about? And what exactly is this thing that 'must be done?'"

"Food? The weather? I don't know," Anders said, but then an idea came to mind. "No, talk of mages. Let her hear how we have suffered, maybe help her understand what we have been forced to endure. She needs to pick a side, and I think she'll listen to you, considering your relationship with Sebastian."

Hawke shook her head. "I doubt that, but I will try. She has some influence over Meredith, and at the very least, she needs to see what's happening because of the Knight-Commander's actions. But I don't like going in blind Anders, tell me of your plan. Why is it exactly you need to get into the Chantry?"

Anders turned away. "There are some things better left unknown," he said quietly. "Some things you shouldn't know. And regardless of how often you've supported the Templars in the past, and whatever our differences, I know you still care about what happens to the mages in this city. What could happen to me."

Hawke approached him and placed her hand on his shoulder. "What is it Anders? What is it that you don't want to tell me? I want to help, but I need to know what it is you're planning."

He turned to look at her, and the sadness and pleading in his eyes nearly overwhelmed her. "You said once that you believed in me. And you have supported the mages before when possible. Although I didn't always agree with you sending some of them back to the Gallows, or informing Cullen and the Templars when there were blood mages about, you obviously still care. I ask that you trust me now, know that I am only doing what is necessary."

"I do trust you Anders," Hawke assured him. "But there isn't just you to trust, is there. You said yourself, Justice is a vengeful part of you, and that concerns me. As much as you want me to trust you, you should also trust me. You're asking me to act blindly without telling me of your plan, and I'm worried for you."

"I am taking a risk," he admitted. "Going to the Chantry, where I am most feared and hated. You are the Champion of Kirkwall, with the freedoms that title provides. I have no doubt you came here without being noticed as much as possible for fear of the consequences being seen with me may be. For us to walk into the Chantry together would be no better. It's for your own protection that I ask you of this, to allow me to go unseen, and it is also for your own protection that I do not tell you why."

There were so many unanswered questions that came with this request, but Hawke was beginning to suspect Anders was not going to give her the answers she was looking for. "We are friends Anders, that is why I feel the need to protect you. I would walk through the Gallows proudly with you by my side, but you're right, the reason I don't is I fear what harm may come to you because of it. If me doing this is the only way I can prove to you that I honor that friendship, then so be it. I just wish I didn't feel as though you were taking advantage of that friendship by putting me in this position without knowing all the facts."

"This way, I can promise to you that whatever happens, it is on my head," Anders told her. "I don't want it to come back on you. Perhaps one day you will thank me for keeping you in the dark, as I thank you now for your aid."

Against every warning bell sounding in my head, I helped him. I went to the Chantry and spoke with Elthina while Anders slipped in behind me and disappeared down the darkened halls. I asked Elthina which side she was going to take in the brewing war between the Templars and the mages. She turned it around on me, asking me if I had changed my mind. Yes, I have supported Meredith in the past, but to hear from Anders what has been happening over the last few years since she began literally ruling the city, I'm not so sure I can continue that support.

Elthina said we should give Orsino and Meredith time to work out their differences. She also said she was not going to show favor to either side. I told her that I understand her position; being that the Chantry and Templars go hand in hand, she really can't side with the mages no matter what Meredith does. But she said I was wrong, that she doesn't support Meredith and her methods as of late.

To hear those words from Elthina? That even she is starting to fear Meredith? What is happening in this city Father? If innocent mages are resorting to blood magic in order to survive, that means the Knight-Commander has grown stricter, tightening the noose around their necks. Maybe Orsino was right, maybe Meredith has grown paranoid. Or am I allowing Anders' influence to cloud an opinion I have been so certain of for so long? I was starting to think his passion about the mages plight was rubbing off on me, but now with Elthina worried as well, I'm just as confused as ever. Whose side am I on?

Anders disappeared after I left the Chantry. I have no idea if he accomplished whatever it was he set out to do, or what was going to come of the potion he was creating. I'm sure he'll come to me when he's ready, but for now I need some time away from him, the Templars, the Chantry, anyone having to do with this brewing tension. I must find out for myself what is happening in Kirkwall, and only then can I make a decision on who I should be supporting.