xiv. Chains
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Do I imagine it, or do I see your stare
Is there still longing there?
Oh I hate myself, and I feel crazy
Such a classic tale
Current girl friend, ex girlfriend, I'm trying to be cool
Am I being paranoid, am I seeing things?
Am I just insecure?
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People say you can only have one epic love story in your life. That once-in-a-lifetime shot at happiness with the person meant to be with you. Your soulmate. I never believed any of that cheesy crap. I wouldn't exactly call myself a romantic. I'd always had my head on straight, I wasn't too keen on being in a serious relationship anyway.
They say there is a person out there who's made for you. But what if that person is already taken?
I never believed in love at first sight. The people who believed in it, I called superficial. I mean, you can't fall for someone at first glance. You might be attracted to them, but you don't really know them. You don't know what they're like, if they and you would be compatible or, more likely, clash. But the minute I laid eyes on Natsume Hyuuga, I knew I wanted him.
He was attractive, damn, he was. Tousled black hair, tall, elegant features, kissable lips, and red eyes. He came strolling into the Starbucks I frequented like he owned the place. Staring down at his phone, frowning slightly, worrying his lips, and approaching the counter, ordering a latte. I had been working on a report for work when he'd come in, but it was forgotten now, and I was trying to devise a strategy to get him to come over. Thankfully, an opportunity presented itself.
After he'd received his order, he looked up and scanned the shop for a table to sit down at. Savvy as I was, I waved at him and pointed to the empty seat next to mine, giving him a sexy smile. I was a clever woman, and a pretty one at that. I knew what kind of impression I made on men, and I wasn't too shy to use my feminine wiles either.
He grinned and sat down next to me. "Thanks for the chair." he thanked me, and up close his red eyes fascinated me even more. Leaning onto my elbows so he had a good look at my cleavage, and I had a good look at his dark-fringed eyes, I smiled coyly. "Anytime, mysterious stranger." I retorted flirtatiously.
"It's Natsume." His voice was wry, like he saw right through my cheap ploy to get him to reveal his name. I expected him to ask me for mine, but he didn't. To my dismay, that annoyed me. "You don't usually come here." I told him redundantly, as if he didn't know that himself.
The way the tips of his mouth twitched in something akin to a self-assured smile and his eyebrows went up, I could tell he was arrogant. I didn't mind. I wanted him.
"You noticed that, huh? Why, aren't you a clever one." He was mocking me! This should have alienated me from my original plan, but curiously enough, it only steeled my resolve.
"That's right." I told him. "I'm clever, and I'm aware of it. I also know what I want, and that's you. So why don't we cut to the chase, you give me your number and we postpone this entertaining yet tension-filled banter to a more convenient time? Huh, what do you say?"
I was challenging him. He picked up the proverbial gauntlet."Fine." he drawled. "I like you, you're sassy. Give me your phone!"
I handed it over and watched his graceful, nimble fingers do their work.
When he was finished, his eyes bored into mine, and sparkled with mischief. "Can't wait to see you again, sweetheart."
His charming smile was so disarming that all appropriate replies fled my brain, and my lips parted slightly. In retrospect, I don't want to say that I knew he would be the one.
However, I knew he was perfect, and he would be perfect for me.
I want to believe
It's just you and me
Sometimes it feels like there's three
of us in here baby
Our first date was wonderful. Our second date was even better. By the third one, I was head over heels for him. I never let my guard down around boys, so my vulnerability and uncertainty around him were a first for me. Usually, it went the other way around. I made the boys come undone, and they couldn't get enough of me. Natsume was so different.
He was charming, sarcastic, cynical. Basically, all the qualities I looked for in a man. He was successful, he could be authoritative, he looked awesome, and his skills as a lover made me swoon.
But.
There was something about him. Something was off. He could be so guarded at time, he would completely withdraw sometimes. We would be watching TV, be out on a stroll, whatever we, now a couple, usually did. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes clouded over, his lips thinned, and it was impossible for me to get a hold of him. It frustrated me, it upset me, but I couldn't do anything about it.
Soon enough, this was the one thing that disrupted our relationship. I tried to coax him out of the place he went to when he was no longer in the room with me. Physically, yes, but not mentally. "What's wrong?" I would ask. And he would shake his head and not meet my eyes.
Of course, I wasn't one to take shit from others for long, so I confronted him soon enough. "I demand you tell me what's wrong! We're in a serious relationship, we're both mature adults, so what seems to be the problem? If you want this to work, I need you to trust me!"
"Would you shut up?" He snapped. "Jesus, Sumire, I don't appreciate you being intrusive and meddling into my business. Back off, will you? Not everything's about you." Angrily, I left his apartment then, banging his door on the way out. Loudly. I expected him to follow me, the way boys usually did. He didn't.
Nothing, for two days. No messages, no calls. Then, he showed up at my workplace. A bouquet of flowers in his hands. The flowers looked expensive and my colleagues immediately started commenting on his good looks. Smugly, I watched him approach me, my arms crossed, my face blank.
I decided to play hard to get. I wanted him to grovel.
"Look who's decided to show up." I greeted him coldly. "Remembered you have a girlfriend, did you?"
He offered me the flowers and sighed. "Look, I'm sorry for the way I treated you, okay? Please don't make a big deal out of this." I looked at him incredulously. Surely, he couldn't think that this would be enough? I expected a bit more considering the way he'd treated me.
"What? And you think this makes it okay? Showing up here with a bunch of pretty flowers and expecting me to forgive you for being a massive asshole? I don't think so!"
To my utter surprise, Natsume didn't look down in shame, but rolled his eyes instead. "I won't make a spectacle out of myself for you, all right? I apologized, that should be enough for you. Take the flowers, or leave them."
He made to throw them into the trash, but I prevented him. "No, wait..." I couldn't believe that I was the one begging now. I hated Natsume a little for reducing me to this. My pride stung.
"What does this relationship even mean to you, Natsume? Do you even value me? Do you even want to be with me? Or is this just some short fling for you?"
Natsume looked surprised by the vehemence in my voice. His eyes softened. "No, of curse not. I'm serious about us, okay? There's just...look, I don't have the easiest past, you know? Crap, I really am an ass, aren't I? You really deserve better than me."
He looked so crestfallen that my heart instantly skipped a beat, making me forgive him. Hugging him, I kissed his cheek. "You can talk to me! You don't have to be so reclusive and secretive all the time. Talk to me!" I resented the way my voice shook.
"Yeah." he promised, his warm eyes engulfing me. "I will."
We'd been dating two months. And he already meant the world to me. I swallowed. "Natsume." I began, my voice creaking. "I love you."
His eyes opened wide, he looked surprised, overwhelmed, and suddenly, I was scared. I didn't want him to respond to my declaration. So I kissed him, preventing him from answering. I would never know if he would have responded in kind, telling me he loved me, too. Or if he would have rebuffed me, not being able reply with those words.
I told myself it was the former, but deep down, I knew the latter was the case.
I was a coward.
So I, wait for you to call
And I try to act natural
have you been thinking 'bout her or about me
And while I wait I put on my perfume, yeah I want it all over you
I gotta mark my territory
Pretty soon, I caught on to what was happening. There was another woman involved. Not that Natsume was cheating on me, not that. But he was hung up on her, and it was so clear to me suddenly that I couldn't believe I hadn't realized it sooner.
The times he suddenly drifted off, he was with her in his thoughts. Even though he'd promised to tell me what was up, he never did. And I never prodded him either.
I began to resent her, whoever it was, without even knowing her. In my head, she was gorgeous. Tall, well-proportioned, with wallowing hair and a face to die for. The jealousy ate at me, it turned me bitter. Whenever we went out together, I stared at the women we came across, wondering if they were the one. I didn't dare breach the subject, even though I was itching to. So when I met some of his friends, I dropped some hints, and they clued me in. Well, somewhat. They were reluctant, avoiding my eyes. All they were willing to surrender was that he'd been with the girl a while and when she'd broken up with him, it had shattered him. Apparently, her name was Mikan. They had separated on her twenty-fifth birthday, and it took one year, and me, to get Natsume to date again.
Knowing her name kind of made it worse. Sometimes, her name was at the tip of my tongue, almost slipping. But I never asked him about her.
We'd been dating four months when he got the invitation to a friend's wedding. He didn't want to go.
"I didn't really plan on going, to be perfectly honest." He confessed when I found the invitation and asked him about him. "Why ever not? It sounds like it might be fun, and didn't you tell me that you've known this boy, Yuu, for almost all your life? You should be going!"
I wanted him to take me with him, I wanted his friends to meet me, to like me. To like me more than Mikan.
Maybe I was even hoping to meet her.
"Fine." He finally relented. "If it means you'll be getting off my back about this." And he rolled his red eyes at me, and gave me a playful grin.
I wanna fill the room, when she's in it with you
Please don't forget me
Do I imagine it, or catch these moments
I know you got history
It was a wonderful ceremony, and though I would never have admitted it, I shed a few tears. The bride was pretty, and the groom, even though shy, looked dashing. When I got to meet them, I was surprised how they treated Natsume. Instead of acting like his other friends I'd gotten to meet, they were good-natured with him, making fun of him. There was a closeness between them and Natsume that I hadn't anticipated, and even though Natsume pretended to be annoyed by their warmth, I could tell he enjoyed it. I attributed it to the fact that they'd, according to Natsume, known him almost all of his life. He kept them at a distance, but it was clear to me that he liked being with them.
A man who introduced himself as Ruka, Natsume's best friend, to me, was especially charming. He teased Natsume mercilessly and treated me like he knew me well. His charm flattered me and if I hadn't been with Natsume, I would have gone for him.
Unfortunately, it did not escape my notice that throughout the wedding, Natsume was fidgeting. His attention was never fully focused on anything, he seemed to be on edge. A few times, I saw his eyes wandering, as if he was looking for someone. Since I suspected that his friends were mutual friends of his ex, I was sure that he was looking for her. I felt hurt by how much he ignored me, like he forgot I was there.
It was twisted, but I wanted to meet her. Mikan. The one obstacle in my happy life with Natsume. More than anything, I wanted to meet her.
I got my wish.
Once we'd exited the church and were about to get in our car and drive to the reception, I heard someone say his name. We both had our backs to the voice, but I saw the way his shoulders tensed when he heard the softly spoken "Natsume."
In all my fantasies, Mikan had been a beauty, someone worthy of Natsume's love. But to my utter surprise, she wasn't. She was average-looking, at best. She was tiny and slender, at least a few inches shorter than me. Where I was busty, she was flat-chested, and her hands looked so tiny, they could have been children's. She had huge amber eyes, and, I registered enviously, wonderful honey-colored tresses. Besides that, she was completely inconspicuous. Nothing about her made anyone look twice at her, she had a unobtrusive, forgettable face.
She was biting her lower lip, a faint blush covering her cheeks, and her eyes were trained on Natsume. At once, my dislike for her flared back to life. The way she had spoken his name, like she had probably done thousands of times before, and like she knew him intimately. Like she knew all his secrets.
Slowly, Natsume turned around, and if I'm being honest, that was about the time I realized he still loved her. At that time, of course, I lied to myself, telling myself I was being the one he loved, even though he'd never explicitly told me so. In hindsight, however, it became perfectly clear then that this was their story. I was merely an intruder, the one standing in the way of love. She was the one that got away, and I was the one standing on the sidelines.
As he looked at her, there was a softness about his eyes, like she was something precious he wanted to hold and to cradle in his arms. Sharp as I was, I did not give them much opportunity to reconnect. "Hi." I chirped, thrusting my hand at her, successfully breaking the tension. "I'm Sumire. Pleasure to meet you!"
Only now did she seem to realize I was there, and she looked slightly guilty. I felt smug. Mikan shook my hand, giving me a genuine smile. "I'm Mikan. I was just saying hi to Natsume, but uh...I'd better go now, I'm catching a ride with Ruka, so..." She made a vague gesture in the direction of the other cars and made to go, but to my anger, Natsume hand shot out and caught hers. I saw Mikan flinch and Natsume release her hand instantly, like her skin had burned his. "No, please." he said huskily. "You can drive with us."
I shot him a furious glare. Of fucking course he would ask her. Wasn't he just a perfect gentleman? Masking my annoyance, I agreed with Natsume, telling Mikan we insisted she drive with us. So she got in the car, next to Natsume in the passenger's seat, where I had been sitting before, where I usually sat, and I sat in the back seat. I didn't comment on it, even though it bothered me, and neither did Natsume. I saw Natsume shoot Mikan glances while he drove, missing a few red lights and almost causing an accidents. No one spoke.
At the reception, Natsume and I shared a table with two girls named Anna and Nonoko. Like everyone else, they'd apparently been friends with Natsume since he was but a mere foetus, so of course they shared lots of inside jokes and teased him mercilessly. Natsume let them, for the sake of their old friendship or maybe because he'd been telling them to shut up for his whole life and was growing tired of it. Not that I was bitter that I was the third wheel. (Or so I told myself, seething.)
Thankfully, or not, considering I didn't know what he was up to, Natsume left halfway through the event. As in, he left me all alone at the table with two strangers, who were admittedly nice enough, but just riddled me with gazes of pity. I hated pity, and I disliked them, but in my slight state of inebriation, I wasn't too ashamed to ask them about Mikan.
At first, they seemed reluctant. "We really shouldn't talk about this behind Natsume's back." Anna reasoned, sharing a look with Nonoko. "And we wouldn't want to burden you with that."
Nonoko nodded. "You should ask him about it yourself."
Repressing the urge to roll my eyes, I forced myself to shed a few fake tears. "I don't think it's fair that everyone but me knows about it. Especially since I, as his current girlfriend, have a right to know. You know Natsume, he can be so distant. I don't want to alienate him." I grabbed Anna's hand. "Please?" I croaked.
She sighed. "Fine, but I'm warning you, listening to this story isn't gonna make you feel any better. Okay, how to best start this..?" She looked over at her friend who decided to take it upon her to start.
"Natsume didn't have an easy life. His mom died when he was just a kid, and his dad raised him and his sister." Nonoko stopped, looking at me. "Have you met her, Aoi?"
I shook my head. Apparently, this was significant, as she shared another look with Anna. I hadn't even known Aoi even existed up until that moment. It was telling, really, as apparently, they were really close, yet he had never mentioned her to me. "Well, she's...difficult. She isn't all there mentally, you know? It's always been really hard on him. Of course, Aoi is the sweetest girl anyone could ever hope to find, but she hasn't had the easiest life. After their mother's death, their father got depressive, so Natsume took care of her. During that time, Natsume was really difficult, a kind of a bully to others. He didn't go out of his way to make life hard on others, but he kind of vented his frustration that way. We knew him, of course, and what he had to face at home, so we just took it and let him get away with it. It was sad to watch such a bright child wasting away like that, you know?
"Well, when he started high school, there were new people. Not everyone was willing to cut Natsume slack the way we did, so he got into trouble a lot. The teachers despaired, he spent a lot of time in detention, that kind of stuff. Then he met Mikan."
She sighed dreamily. "They were adorable together. Mikan wasn't willing to just let things go the way things were. She called him out on it, she told him what she thought of the way he did things. For him, it must have been love first. The way she just walked up to him, challenged him...of course, he didn't just take it, he had to tease her, and to annoy her, but everyone could see it. He was stricken. He changed, he cleaned up his act. We all knew it was for her.
"He started following her around, keeping other boys away, and she evidently reciprocated his feelings, as she never did date, but they never acted on them. Until junior year. They had a huge fight, she slapped him, and he...well, he just calmly told her he loved her. From then on, they were inseparable. They were the couple everyone wanted to be a part of, they were perfect for each other. The way they complimented each other, challenged each other. We knew, they were made for each other, as cheesy as that sounds."
Nonoko sighed and wiped away a few tears, as she was crying. Anna nodded, and continued the story. "They stayed together all through university, made a long distance relationship work. Natsume never even looked at other girls. For him, there was only ever Mikan. After uni, they moved in together, as happy as can be. Then...something changed. None of us knows what went down, but a few months after Christmas sixteen months ago, they split. Mikan moved out and in with her best friend, Natsume was crushed. We never asked them what happened, but it's obvious that they are still suffering. They are still in love."
They'd obviously forgotten I was there. And Natsume's girlfriend. "To be honest, I think it's just a matter of time until they will be back together. They have the kind of love you keep, you know?"
On our way home, Natsume and I were silent, both busy with our own thoughts. My voice broke the silence first. "Why did I never meet your sister?"
Natsume looked surprised. "I don't know. It never occurred to me that you two would get along particularly great." He didn't ask where I'd heard about her. He just went back to driving and not looking at me. I recalled that Anna and Nonoko had told me that Mikan and Aoi were both very close, almost like sisters themselves, even despite the breakup.
"Are you still in love with Mikan?" I inquired, my voice cold and hard. This time, he looked angry. "Why would you ask me that? I'm with you, aren't I?"
"Well, yes. But you've never told me you loved me!" I'm sure he would go back to Mikan the minute she so much as intimated she wanted him back. "What do you want me to say to that? I wasn't ready to say it, okay? But if you're so keen on it, here you go: I love you, Sumire."
But I knew he didn't mean it.
But I'm your girlfriend, now I'm your girlfriend trying to be cool
I hope I'm paranoid, that I'm just seeing things
That I'm just insecure
At Ruka's birthday party, I met her again. She wore a cheap looking dress, but it suited her, and she looked prettier than she'd had at the wedding. Still, she was no match for me. I had set out to get to know her, and so I did. I found her completely unremarkable.
She laughed about jokes that weren't even funny. Maybe she did it just to suck up to people, or maybe she did to make them feel better about themselves, I found it annoying. She was weirdly touchy-feely. She would hug and touch anyone she talked to. She squeezed my arm repeatedly and she embraced me at least thrice. She had a sunny disposition, and only around Natsume, she sobered and quieted down. She didn't talk about anything in particular, just about random nonsense, but for some reason, she found even the stupidest shit fascinating.
She was like a child.
She could focus her whole attention on one thing and like a bulldog, she would bite down on it and never let it go. She was stubborn, and although she wasn't stupid, she wasn't as educated as I was. She worked as a elementary school teacher. I couldn't see what fascinated Natsume about her.
After she'd told me about all the animals that lived with her, hurt ones she found and adopted and couldn't bear to let go, I asked her if she wanted children. Mikan looked at me strangely. Instead of answering, she replied. "Do you?"
"Not really."
"I do." She wasn't meeting my eyes, playing with her bracelet instead. "Do you want children with Natsume?" Her question baffled me, it came out of the blue. "We've never talked about it." I admitted. I wondered if they had. Probably, since apparently they had been oh-so perfect.
"We would have to get married first." I watched her closely, waiting for her reactions. Mikan swallowed, and took a moment before answering. "You two would make a lovely pair. Excuse me. I need to..." But she didn't even take the time to think to offer an excuse. It didn't matter anyway, as I could see the tears glistening in her eyes.
I felt strangely satisfied. I'd hurt her, and I'd made her think Natsume and I would get married. I hoped that would keep her away.
"Do you want children?" I asked Natsume later that evening when we were at his place. He thought about his answer way too long before saying "I don't know."
The next weeks, I was more occupied with Mikan than ever. The whole thing was starting to morph into an obsession. She was all I could ever think about. What perfume she used, what she might be wearing. It kept me from working, it kept me from sleeping. It was starting to get seriously unhealthy. I needed to do something about it, lest I turned into a full-fledged stalker.
So I confronted Natsume with my insecurities, which was a huge deal for me, seeing as admitting my weaknesses and fears took a lot of pride.
"I know I should let this go." I began as we sat down at a table in the Starbucks we'd first met. "But I just can't. Look, it didn't escape my notice that you're still kind of hung up on your ex-girlfriend. Now, don't even try to deny it, because I'm not blind. And frankly, I'm sick and tired of investing time in a relationship I'm the only one caring about."
Instead of getting defensive, as I'd feared, Natsume merely sighed and played with his watch. "Maybe I really do harbour some leftover feelings for her." he admitted reluctantly. "Yeah, so? What are you going to do about it? Try to get over it? Or end our...thing? I need to know, okay? Because if..."
Natsume didn't let me finish. "You deserve the truth. It's long overdue I told you what really happened, I know." He sighed. "If I'm being completely honest, I'll probably always love Mikan. She was the one who helped me through a really harsh time when I was younger, and understood me like no other. She was glorious, listening to all my complaining, never thinking of herself, always there for me. For me, it was love almost immediately. For her, it took some time. When we finally did get together, it was blissful. Never before had I felt so happy and carefree. She was like an antidote for a poison that had slowly been killing me. I worshipped the ground she walked on.
"I've heard that in a relationship there's always one party that's more active, loves more easily, while the other is more passive and doesn't love as strongly. I don't know if that's bullshit, but in our relationships, I was definitely the one who loved more. It wasn't like she didn't reciprocate my feelings, because she did. But her love wasn't as all-consuming as mine for her. Anyway, we were very happy, and for me, it was always clear we would get married some day. We got engaged the day we graduated university, and I'll never forget the way she smiled at me then. To me, she was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. So graceful, shining so bright."
Natsume was almost rambling, evidently somewhere else mentally. He didn't even seem to realize I was there anymore. He looked like he was in pain, but so was I. I could no longer deny it. He was still madly, deeply in love with her.
In my head, I tried to imagine Mikan as Natsume saw her, but it didn't work, she would always be a grey mouse, nothing special about her.
"Then, something happened. She found out she was pregnant. It didn't really fit in our plans. I was overjoyed, but Mikan was doubtful. She wasn't sure she wanted a baby just yet, she wanted to keep working. Sure, we'd talked about kids before, but they hadn't been part of the equation until we were at least nearing the end of our twenties. I could tell she was unhappy, but I persuaded her to keep the baby. I was even willing to be a stay-at-home dad.
"We didn't tell anyone, since we wanted to wait until she was at least five months pregnant in case she lost...the baby."
Natsume looked up then, and I flinched when I saw there were tears in his eyes. I'd never seen Natsume cry, never pecked him for a man who was comfortable with showing weakness. I considering reaching for his hands, but I didn't.
He wet his lips. "As you can see, I'm not a father, I don't have a child. That's because I killed it. It was an accident. We drove home after a Christmas party. I'd been drinking, just one or two glasses wine, a few hours before we left. I didn't think it mattered, I'd never been drunk driving before, but Mikan was in pain and I was worried, I needed to take her to the hospital. The streets were iced, I lost control of the car. I totalled the car. I wasn't harmed, but Mikan...she'd lost the baby."
He was biting down at his lip, hard, so hard it started to bleed. There was a wild look in his eyes. He coughed. "She couldn't even...couldn't even look at me. Sure, she hadn't wanted the baby, but now that it was gone, she felt so empty. She wasn't the Mikan I knew. She grew depressed, couldn't even leave the house anymore. She didn't speak to me anymore, so I took her to a doctor, and he sent her to a psychiatric ward. I visited her regularly, and she was getting better. She looked so frail, as she wasn't eating enough. She still looks too thin even today, have you noticed? Anyway, she decided in order to get better, she needed to leave me. So she did. She told me she needed space, she didn't blame me, but she couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. She said she still loved me, and she needed to do this for me as much as for herself. Since I always granted her every wish, I complied. I left, didn't call her anymore, even though I wanted to. More than anything. I was broken. I alienated myself from my old friends and found new ones that didn't know me well, weren't close to me. I got a new job.
"But unconsciously, I was still waiting. For her to take the first step, to call me. She never did. Then I met you, and you were so easy to talk to, easy to be around. You were exactly the kind of woman I should want. Clever. You know what you want. But I couldn't get fully invested in our relationship. Not with Mikan still in my periphery."
He took my hand. "I'm glad I told you this. Maybe things will start getting better now. Will you still stay with me, even after listening to my pitiful story?"
I gave him a small smile. "Sure.," I said. "Sure."
In our relationship, I knew, I was the one who loved more.
I want to believe
It's just you and me
Sometimes it feels like there's three
of us in here baby
I wasn't a good person by any means. To be exact, I considered myself kind of a bitch. I wanted Natsume and now I had him. But even though he tried with me, I could see he couldn't do it. He was withering away, pretending all was good, when it wasn't. That was no basis for a relationship.
I decided to be a good person for once, I did something worth of a fucking saint. I went to Mikan. When she opened the door to her tiny apartment, she looked surprised, but gave me a warm smile. "Come in." she greeted me, and when I did, she gave me a hug. She didn't ask what I was doing at her doorstep, she just took me in like one of her stray cats. She lead me into a tiny living room, which was overrun with at least seven cats. "I love cats." she confessed and picked one up that had been mewing up at her. Everyone knew cats never came when summoned, that they had their own head. But it was different with her. The cats flocked to her like they were kittens and she was there mother.
They sat down at her feet, rubbed their heads against her legs, jumped up onto her lap. "Do you want a cup of tea?" she asked me politely, stroking one of the cats absent-mindedly. "No, thanks." I declined curtly. I decided to get right down to business.
"I don't like you." I blurted out. Mikan looked surprised. "Oh, okay. Sorry." She blushed and touched her hair self-consciously. She acted like she'd done something wrong, like she was at fault here. Even though she was completely innocent. Why did she have to be so damn good? She was so nice, so kind, she was everything I fucking wasn't.
"I'm here because of Natsume." I went on, ignoring her. She bent forward slightly, frowning now. "Oh? Is something the matter with him."
"You bet there is. He's still in love with..."
"Please don't say it." she rushed out, her eyes wide. That wasn't what I'd expected. "Don't tell me he still loves me. He loves you now. I know he does."
Oh, hell. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I spat. "I came here like a fucking martyr, and you don't want to hear it?"
Mikan got up, clearly agitated, and started pacing the room. "I don't need your sacrifice. Natsume and I are done. Over."
I was getting really furious now. "Don't be such a coward. He still loves you and he wants you back."
"Oh, shut up." she said loudly. I was taken aback. "You don't know...you don't know anything, okay? We're bad for each other, we would be toxic together. He's better off without me. I sent him away almost two years ago, and he never came back. It doesn't matter what I think. He shouldn't love me anymore. Staying with me almost destroyed him. I was so horrible to him. You can't...you can't understand that."
She wasn't making sense now. She was pacing frantically, and when she started speaking again, she was sobbing. "I was pregnant. I didn't want the baby. And I got my wish. I lost it. It almost killed Natsume, I could see. And I...and I...was happy. For a tiny moment, I was happy it was gone. Of course, I felt awful after, and I hated myself, and I wanted it back more than anything. But that tiny moment of relief, it told me how horrible I was, what a disgusting person. I felt like, because I hadn't been over the moon because of the baby, wished I had never conceived it, I had somehow made it happen. I didn't deserve Natsume. He was suffering so much, and being with me, such a mess, only destroyed him further. I needed him to go and be happy elsewhere. I couldn't stand looking at him, he was so good, and I was so bad, and in order to be better, I needed to know he was happy.
"So don't tell me he isn't happy now. Please don't tell me he isn't happy!" Mikan knelt in front of me, hid her face in her hands and cried. The cats came to her and rubbed their tiny heads against her, mewing softly. The room was silent except for them and Mikan's sobs. "Well, aren't you two just fucking martyrs. He left you so could be happy, and you sent him away so he could be. When, in fact, you two would be happier together. You two belong together. Fuck, I can't believe I'm saying it, but you two belong together."
She raised her face to me, blotchy with tears, and shook her head. "I couldn't. I couldn't stand it if he left you for someone as wicked as me." she pleaded, taking my hand and squeezing it. "Make him happy for me, will you?"
"Fuck that." I shoved her away and got up. "I'm going to do the right thing for once in my life."
So I, wait for you to call
And I try to act natural
have you been thinking 'bout her or about me
And while I wait I put on my perfume, yeah I want it all over you
I gotta mark my territory
I forced Mikan to clean up, dragged her to my car and fastened her seat belt. She was still crying and I rolled my eyes at her breakdown. The cats followed us to the door and looked up at me with accusing eyes. Their eyes reminded me of Natsume's.
I drove us to Natsume's flat and practically had to carry Mikan up the stairs to his door. "Wait here." I instructed her. She nodded weakly and did as she was told. I unlocked the door with my key and found Natsume in the living room, watching TV. "There's someone to see you." I informed him. I felt weirdly light-headed, and like I was on the outside looking in, while someone else was inhabiting my body, and doing things I would never have done. "Who is it?" he asked, not really sounding like he cared. "See for yourself."
Natsume looked annoyed but followed me nonetheless. When he saw who it was, it was like he forgot I was there instantly. "Mikan? What's wrong?" He rushed to her side, tilted her chin up and looked at her with such love in his eyes that my heart ached. I couldn't believe I'd let him go willingly.
"I'm so sorry I sent you away back then." Mikan told him, her tears stilling as he touched her. "I thought you deserved someone wholesome, someone who matched you better, not someone broken like me."
"Don't be silly." Natsume replied, like he'd said the phrase a thousand times before, tenderly, yet teasingly. "Of course I still want you. I will always want you. You're mine. You're polka, the girl who slapped me when I looked up her skirt. The girl who told me to quit moping and be such a self-involved loser who takes his feelings out on others. When I was but a spoiled, teenaged asshole, you found it in yourself to love me. For that, I will always be yours. If you still want me, I'm still yours."
The display in front of me made me tear up. I couldn't believe I could have been as greedy as to think Natsume could be mine. He and Mikan had history, they were the loves of each other's life. Natsume might have been the love of mine, but what did it matter? He had already found his other half. Silently, I walked to the door, meaning to leave. "Sumire." Natsume said. I looked up, tears in my eyes. "I'm sorry it couldn't be you."
"Yeah." I replied. "Me too."
I'll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells my perfume
I'll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells your perfume
I hide it well, hope you can't tell but I hope she smells my perfume
I hide it well, hope you can't tell but I hope she smells my perfume
Of course, they invited me to their goddamn wedding, and of course I went like the fucking loser I was. Of course, Mikan radiated happiness, and everyone told them things like "We always knew you'd make it." or "Your wedding was inevitable."
I saw money change hands as some of their friends won bets they'd made years ago. At least five different women asked me if I didn't think they were the prettiest couple ever.
Natsume looked annoyed for most of the wedding, like he just wanted to get it over with, get rid of all the guests, and couldn't wait to be with Mikan. Wistfully, I remember what a skilled lover he was, and that I would never again experience him. Mikan didn't exactly look like a sexual deviant. Sex with her must be so boring, I pondered. Or maybe not, since I was pretty sure that besides me and her, Natsume had not been with a lot of women, and he must have practised his skills somewhere.
I'd dated Natsume's best friend Ruka for a while, but he reminded me too much of Mikan. He was like a male version of her. I'd started going out with another friend of their little clique, Koko. He was a facetious fellow, always cheerful, and I quite liked him. He was different from Natsume in so many ways, and I like the way he looked upon me like he was the most precious thing in the world. Almost like Natsume looked at Mikan.
Koko had confessed to me that he'd been jealous of Natsume and didn't think Natsume really knew what he treasure he had in me. I felt flattered. I could tell Koko really liked me. I liked him too. I wondered how long it would take for me to love him. It had happened fast with Natsume, but then again, that hadn't gone over very well. Maybe the best kind of love takes a while to build. Or maybe my feelings were simply so exhausted they took a time to convalesce.
Maybe the best kind of love isn't the passion-filled one, but rather the consistent one, the one you can rely on.
Anyhow, I knew what I'd found in Koko, and I didn't plan on letting him go anytime soon.
A/N: Written 11/29/13-12/1/13. The quotes are taken from the song Perfume by Britney Spears. This is the longst chapter yet, I believe. Hope you like it, it's quite sappy. I wanted to try something different, so I had Sumire tell Natsume and Mikan's story. Thanks ever so much for the sweet reviews, I hope you like this chapter just as much.