Dearest Father,
Aveline sent word that she wanted to speak with me, so Sebastian and I met with her in her office. When we arrived, Varric was there, telling her one of his infamous stories I'm sure. He had also brought her a bottle of wine, late wedding present I believe, and was laughing heartily as we crossed paths in her doorway. It was nice to see the two of them getting along; sometimes I forget my friends go to see each other when I'm not around.
She showed me a letter from Ferelden; apparently she was listed as dead after the events of Ostagar, but when King Alistair came across her name in the reports, and remembered her from his visit to Kirkwall, he sent word offering to reinstate her commision to the Ferelden army. I thought it odd she'd even consider returning, as she served Cailan and not Alistair. But she dutifully reminded me that she served Ferelden, regardless of who was on the throne.
Aveline asked if Carver had ever told me what happened at Ostagar. I think after fleeing for our lives from Lothering and Ferelden, Carver just wanted to put it all behind him. He's never brought it up, and respectfully I've never asked.
Sebastian and I sat across from Aveline as she went into detail about the war and what she had seen. How the Wardens were a heavy presence, Cailan standing proud among them giddy as a school boy. He had been inspirational, so sure in their defeat that no one believed the horrible outcome was possible. And then in the thick of it, darkspawn slaughtering the Wardens and her fellow squadmates, the beacon atop the tower was lit, and for a moment everyone paused, waiting for Loghain and his forces to join the fray. A moment of hope, met with nothing but silence.
That was the memory of what she left behind in Ferelden. Fighting for her life, escaping the darkspawn, finding Wesley only to lose him. Aveline decided she wasn't going to return to Ferelden. In Kirkwall, she was doing good, making a difference. Her actions had positive and somewhat immediate results, and that was more rewarding than anything she had accomplished in Ferelden. She has Donnic, a job she loves, and a city she now called home.
And that's the truth of it, isn't it Father? It doesn't matter that we were raised in Lothering. As great as Ferelden was, it really holds only the worst of memories for us both. It began with you leaving us, and then our home being overrun by darkspawn, Bethany's death. What is there really to go back to? Aveline's right, there is nothing but pain in Ferelden. It will always hold a special place in my heart, but I don't think I'd ever return there either.
But is Kirkwall home for me? I've spent so much time the last few months considering Starkhaven as my future, that I haven't stopped and taken a good look around at what I have here, what I would be giving up for that future. Of course Starkhaven isn't far from Kirkwall and I already foresee several trips to visit Carver, but am I ready to give up this city? I am the Champion of Kirkwall; survivor of the Qunari onslaught, representative of those who have no voice among the likes of Elthina and Meredith, but would I not look back on Kirkwall as I now do Lothering?
Mother wanted this estate, the return to noble status. But I never wanted that. Am I staying here only to try to fulfill her legacy in re-establishing the Amell name? I am only half Amell, but I am also half Hawke, and I have always used the Hawke name with pride Father, for you. The Amell's belonged to Kirkwall, not me.
Sebastian will be in Starkhaven, and he has already implied that Fenris has an open invitation to live within his city. Anders and I grow more distant by the day, Isabela is gone, Aveline is so wrapped up in her job that we barely see each other, and Merrill? I'm still unsure where Merrill and I stand as far as a friendship goes. But it's certainly not enough to remain in the city for her. My brother and Varric are here, but so are the ghosts of the past.
Aveline says that she isn't running from Ferelden, rather she's remaining where her heart is. And as much as I love Kirkwall, and have done much for the city, my heart belongs to Sebastian, and I need to be where he is. So one day I will look back on Kirkwall as Aveline and I look back on Ferelden; fond memories, but tragic ones as well, and hopefully her stay here and my move to Starkhaven will help us find the peace we are both searching for.
Of course all of this is silly thinking for now; Sebastian isn't ready to take over Starkhaven, and I have unfinished business here. I will not leave until some resolution can be found for this mage templar crisis. But hopefully we find it soon, because thoughts of starting a new life in a new city are exciting! Now if only I could convince Varric to come with us.