A few days later they were loading their stuff into Jack's truck when his phone rang. General Hammond sounded determined:
"Jack, where are you? Get to the SGC asap. And in case Miss Hess is with you, bring her, too."
…
"No! Jack, please! I can't do it again!"
Amanda was staring at him wide eyed and in panic.
"It might not be a big deal if you're military, but I'm a scientist. I'd never been shot at before, and I'm scared! I'm not going back!"
Jack pulled her close and gently stroked her back.
"I know, Amanda, I know. I'm glad you're not military, otherwise I might have to make it an order. I don't even want to make it a plea, but I don't have a choice. We need those results, and Daniel said he can't do it without you. Please..." - he pulled away from her enough to look at her face - "...I swear I'm right behind you. I won't let it happen again. I'd rather die than allow you to be in danger again. Please. Trust me."
"I do, Jack, really, I do. If I trust anybody with my life, it's you. But I'm scared to death. Please don't make me do it!"
"OK, I won't. We'll find another way."
He held her until she calmed down. But he had no idea what other way there could be.
…
Neither Carter nor anybody else had found another solution, so Amanda had teeth-gnashingly agreed to return to the damn planet one last time. They were all assembled in the 'gate room and waiting for the wormhole to establish. Amanda already started to regret the whole thing. Jack was trying to reassure her.
"It'll be a piece of cake. You said it yourself, it's only details. How long could that take, half an hour?"
Amanda nodded and tried to be brave.
"Ready?" Jack looked at her questioningly.
"Ready", she answered him, but the moment they set foot on the ramp the "Unscheduled offworld activation" announcement sounded through the 'gate room and Jack pulled Amanda out of the way. It turned out SG-3 were coming in hot. Just as the iris was closing one last bullet made it through. Jack felt Amanda sack against his side. Acting on instinct he put his arms around her and lowered her to the ground. When he saw the blood trickle from her lips he breathed a strangled 'No!'
He blinked to clear his blurry sight. Amanda opened her eyes.
"Jack", she managed.
He leaned in closer.
"I'm here, Amanda."
He couldn't breath.
"Not...your fault", she whispered, and then her eyes closed and her body went slack in his arms.
…
Jack O'Neill was standing at attention in front of the general's desk.
"Are you sure, Jack?", Hammond asked looking at the papers Jack had just handed him.
"Yes, sir."
"I know what you're going through at the moment, son, and I absolutely understand if you need time. If you want to take some leave that's alright with me. No matter how long."
The colonel briefly closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"Please, sir."
"OK. If that's really what you want – Colonel Jonathan Jack O'Neill, I hereby accept your resignation. You are dismissed."
Jack blew out the breath he'd been holding and stood at parade rest.
"Thank you, George", he said softly. He was already halfway out the door when Hammond called him back. Jack turned and looked at his former CO.
"Jack, I'm incredibly sorry. We shouldn't...if I hadn't approved the mission -"
"There wasn't much of a choice. We had to try. What happened to Amanda is on me. I should have made sure she was safe."
Hammond kept staring at his office door long after Jack had left.
…
There was a knock at Jack's front door, but he didn't feel like talking to anybody. He played possum and hoped the visitor would go away. When Jack didn't react to the repeated knocking it looked like he or she had given up, so Jack went back to nursing his beer. Suddenly somebody was standing outside the glass doors leading to his back porch. Sighing he went to open the doors.
"Carter, what are you doing here? I'm retired, save the planet without me."
The major smiled and came in.
"Sir, currently the planet doesn't need any saving."
"Retired, Carter. Lose the 'sir'."
"Uhm, yes, right. It's hard to get used to it, s- Jack."
"So? What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see how you're doing. I mean, what are you doing?"
"This and that. Mainly that."
He dropped onto the couch and Carter sat down in the armchair.
"Want a beer?"
"No, thank you. I'm still on duty, more or less. So? How are you doing?"
"Oh come on, how do you think I'm doing? The woman I loved is dead, and it's my fault."
"It's that guy's fault who fired the shot, Jack. Not yours."
"There was only one reason for me to be there – to keep her from getting shot. I talked her into going back to that damn planet. She was scared and I told her to trust me. She did, and look where it got her. I failed, she's dead. I don't deserve comfort. Actually I think I don't even deserve to mourn."
"Jack...you loved her! You were happy with her. I saw you together, you were another person when you were with her."
"A better person. I was better when she was with me..."
„Jack..." Sam stood and sat with him on the couch. She carefully touched his shoulder. He jumped to his feet.
"No. I'm sure you have more important things to do."
There was a lump in Sam's throat when she drove back to the base, deeply worried.
…
Sam woke from something that sounded like her door bell. She glanced at the alarm clock beside her bed. 2:32. She must have been mistaken. Just as she was about to fall asleep again she heard the sound once more. Puzzled she got out of bed and went to the door. She looked through the spyhole – and was more than surprised at her nightly visitor.
„Colonel!"
She stepped back to let him in, but he didn't move. He looked insecure, aware of his odd behavior.
"I'm sorry I woke you."
"Come on in. Now that I'm awake anyway..."
"Thank you, Sam." His voice was low and she could tell he was really grateful.
She led the way into her kitchen.
"Drink?"
His smile was bitter. "I didn't do much today but drink, Sam."
He really appeared to be not entirely sober.
"Should you be driving?" she said with a frown.
"No."
Sam sat down at her kitchen table and Jack followed her example. Expectantly she looked at him.
"You're wondering what on earth I'm doing in your house at this time. The fact is I don't know where else to go. That little monologue I gave about guilt and comfort..."
He rubbed his face. Sam took her chair and sat closer. She looked at him for a while and then she engulfed him in a hug without saying anything. She noticed him giving in and returning the hug, and then he drew a deep breath.
"I can't go there, Sam", he murmured against her shoulder. She pulled away to look at him.
"You can't go where?"
"The funeral. Tomorrow they are going to hold the memorial service for Amanda. But I can't go there."
Sam didn't know what to say.
"How am I supposed to meet her father's eyes? Mr. Hess, my name is Jack O'Neill, I'm the guy who let your daughter die?"
His head dropped onto the table. Sam put her hand on his shoulder.
"How about 'I loved your daughter very much?'", she asked gently. Jack didn't move.
"Do really want to deny yourself that opportunity? It's your only chance to say good bye."
"I have no right to be there."
"You're scared, that's all."
That made him lift his head.
"You're damn right about that. What a fucking coward."
"Don't you think her father has a right to know what happened to her? I doubt that the SGC gave him the full version."
Jack looked at her with a haunted look.
"Of course he has a right to that, and it's my goddamn job to stand up to him. I just can't."
Pushing back his chair he got up and stood looking out of the window.
"I'll come with you if you want me to", Sam said calmly.
He closed his eyes for a brief moment, and then he lowered his head.
"What a pathetic coward."
He took deep breath and asked without turning to her:
"Are you serious about this?"
She stood close behind him and put her hand on his shoulder once more.
"Yes."
After what felt like an eternity he finally did turn. Sam thought she could see tears in his eyes. Completely spent he allowed her to close her arms around him. He stood in her embrace for several minutes without a word, consoled for the moment.
...
TBC